Mr. Kool-Aid doesn't have a back pocket. But what if he could? What if he could?

What do the days of the week mean? Mon-day. Tues-day. Wednes-day. Thurs-day. Fri-day. Satur-day. Sun-day.

It would make more sense the days were called Workday, Secondworkday, Stillfuckingworkday, Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, Almostweekendbutstillworkday, Funday and Restday.

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That dotted line, which signifies a change in thought, looks like the beginning of a hangman game.

Kids probably shouldn't play hangman. It sends mixed messages about word puzzles.

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Storming the court is one of the coolest tradition in sport. Kansas State gets a 9.3 for its storming after beating KU. That was a good rushing of the court.


How do you get a 10.0? Tear those motherfuckers down. In football they tear down the goalposts. In basketball, they just come out on the court? Bullshit. Cause some destruction.

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We have to submit our absentee ballot tomorrow (Almostweekendbutstillworkday). We don't know who to vote for. (Thoughts?)

If a candidate suggested changing the name of Thursday to Theresnotenoughboozeintheworldforthisday, said candidate has our vote.

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Why don't all pants come with pockets? Not talking about jeans, khakis, etc. But sweats. And athletic pants and shorts. Pockets should be mandatory.

If I went to the gym with my athletic shorts that don't have pockets, where do I put my membership card? Where does my iPod go? What if I want to play pocket pool?

Just imagine life with pockets. And a removable back pocket. That would be huge.

The ad slogan: "What if you could? Yeah. What if you could?"

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Here's a neat story about the adopted son and grandson of infamous cult leader Jim Jones. We usually like Gary Smith's work more, but this piece is interesting, nonetheless.

Kool-Aid used to be good when you were like 5. Absolutely nothing about the spelling of Kool-Aid makes sense.

Though the Kool-Aid man could nail any cartoon character he wanted.

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This dividing line isn't as long as the other ones because it isn't a complete subject change.

If you could bang any cartoon character, who would it be?

Our list:

1. Jessica Rabbit (hotter than most pornstars)

2. Daphne from Scooby Doo (closet freak)
3. April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
4. Ariel from The Little Mermaid
5. Belle from Beauty and the Beast

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If we read one more thing about Tom Brady's fucking ankle, we're going to go all Philip Rivers on someone.

The media is making the Super Bowl (as always) one of the worst weeks in sports.

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The rule in the NBA where a timeout gives a team the ball at halfcourt is the silliest rule in sports. Do they have a timeout in the NFL where you advance to field goal range for a game-winner?

Bron Bron got the ball at halfcourt, passed Go, collected $200 and hit the game-winner. Would've been much tougher had he been forced to go the length of the court.

Silly rule.

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Ever consider legally changing your name? We haven't given it nearly enough thought.

If we could, we'd go with: Bigge Cauck.

Or change the spelling of our name to Xaque. Think about it.

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We're just three days away from Super Bowl Restday! Get excited!

Big Picture Categories: Super Bowl MVPs

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Sunday's the Super Bowl! HOLY SHIT! THE SUPER BOWL!!!! CAPS LOCK! EXCLAMATION POINT!!!

With XLII just a few days away, we're starting to get Super Bowl fever. We have our potato chips, deep fryer and butt groove ready. To get even more in the mood, today's category will be naming all the Super Bowl MVPs. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. If you look these up at some reference site or something, your penis will fall off. Honor system, people. First person to mess up has to deep fry a beer.

We'll start with a random one: Dexter Jackson (Tampa Bay, Super Bowl XXXVII).

All right, Super Bowl nuts. Brag about your useless knowledge in the comments.

Santana accepts trade to Mets to save goatee

In a blockbuster move that shocked the baseball world yesterday, Johan Santana waived his no trade clause to accept a trade to the Mets pending a physical and a contract extension. Many people have questioned why the Twins would take the Mets trade offer when the players offered by other large market teams like the Yankees and Red Sox were superior.

Sources close to The Big Picture have confirmed that the Twins were set to accept the offer from the Yankees, rumored to include star pitching prospect Phil Hughes, a potential ace, but the trade was nixed by Santana. The reason Santana wouldn't go to the Bronx? They would have made him shave his goatee.

The Yankees have a history of making the more wild haired members of the baseball world look like total pussies, including the most infamous of the bunch, Jason Giambi. Santana evidently had no interest in giving in to the aesthetic requirements of the Yankees.

Rumors have it that not only does Santana think he's pretty fly with the facial hair, but that his goatee is actually the secret to his great success that has garnered him two American League Cy Young Awards. It may even have secret powers.

Santana now takes those secret powers to Queens to play for the Mets, making sure he's as close as possible to the team that he spurned. The Mets now appear once again to be a front runner to take the National League crown, goatees included.

-JMC

Movie Review: The Game Plan

The fine folks at Disney contacted us a few weeks ago about promoting the release of the new "sports" flick, The Game Plan. They offered us some money, blow and 15 minutes with Minnie Mouse to do "anything." Naturally we accepted.

So, The Game Plan. Yeah. It has The Rock in it. And Roselyn Sanchez. Roselyn Sanchez is fucking hot! And she plays a ballerina instructor. She basically struts around in tight pants and skimpy tank tops for most of her scenes. And you can totally see her nipples at one point! Schwing!

Oh. The movie. Let's let Disney take it away:

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson stars as Joe Kingman, the high-living star quarterback for the Boston Rebels. Kingman is called upon to make his most important play in a position for which he has no practice when his seven year-old daughter unexpectedly shows up on his doorstep.

You can pretty much predict how this one ends up. And the daughter is one of the most fucking annoying girls in the history of acting. If The Rock would've thrown her off the Empire State Building, few would've faulted him.

She's rude, obnoxious and conniving. All by age 7. By the time she's 18, she'll probably have broken more hearts than Jessica Simpson.

The Rock is fine. We think he's better suited for steroids commercials or touching other men in a wrestling match, but he has some charm in this.

Charm. That's a good word to describe The Game Plan. It's charming. We'll leave it at that.

The Ladies... had the same offer from Disney, so read their much better review here.

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? People who write dashes instead of swear words, like f--- or sh--.

That's bullshit. I know what you're saying. What do those dashes do that the actual letters don't? It's like if I wrote, "I went to t-- store to buy some m--k." It doesn't make any fucking sense.

I've often seen headlines in newspaper or on websites that read something like, "Brady is a real b-tch," or "Manning is a f---ing douchenob." The article or whatever then proceeds to swear like Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa. That makes as much sense as Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. If you're going to use naughty language in the body of the story, why avoid it in the headline?

It's not that swearing is a good thing. I'm the last person to condone that shit. But if you're going to swear, come out and say it. Your dashes don't fool me, man. I'm easily fooled, but I'm not falling for you game this time.

So liberate yourself. Speak your mind. Say the real words. It'll make everybody feel better. No secrets, no dirty laundry, no holding back. Let yourself go. The world will be a better place.

Dwyane Wade is happy to smile for the camera...

...But it won't come at a small price. From the Miami Herald via Ben Maller:

Dwyane Wade was celebrating his 26th birthday with about 20 family members at DeVito South Beach when an unidentified Canadian man approached general manager Chris Cuomo and asked to meet Wade in exchange for paying half of Wade's $4,500 bill. Wade had the fan sent to his table and took a photo with him.

There ya go, folks. Wanna take a photo with an NBA star? It'll only cost you $2,250.

We once stood in an empty waiting area at a restaurant with A-Rod. He had a camera and asked to take a picture with us, but seeing as our bill was only about 100 bucks, we declined.

Really though, we did stand in a waiting area with A-Rod a while back around when he signed that $252 million deal. We nearly asked him to buy our meal, but thought better of it.

Sub-aqua ice hockey: all the cool kids are doing it

If you're an extreme sports enthusiast or just looking for a way to kill yourself but make it look accidental, sub-aqua ice hockey is for you. Reuters reports:

Sub-aqua ice hockey is the latest craze for extreme sports enthusiasts

Forget ice skates, helmets and padding, all you need to have a go at sub-aqua ice hockey is a wet suit, flippers and a good set of lungs.

Played under the ice of a frozen lake and upside down, the sport is proving to be a big hit among extreme sports enthusiasts.

After banging head against a brick wall, playing sub-aqua ice hockey would probably be No. 7 on the list of things not to do. It would move to No. 4 if they threw some sharks in the rink.

Thursday is one day closer to Friday than Wednesday

We had to improvise with our editorial plans for today. We have a really awesome Blogger Interview lined up that we were going to run today, but instead we're going to run it tomorrow.

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That dotted line signifies a change in thought.

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Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to have two dicks?

We don't ask that hypothetically. What if you really had two dicks? Would that not be the most awesome thing in the history of history?

You could masturbate twice as much.

Women might find you weird.

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Baylor is our new favorite team. We're going to root for them in everything they do that isn't against the Washington Huskies.

Five OTs is 25 minutes of free basketball. The players probably felt like Gumby afterwards, but they put on a helluva show.

Probably should be spelled probabbabbly.

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Our Presidential vote is up in the air. Whichever candidate (in our registered party) says that the work week will now be Monday through Thursday has our vote.

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Here are two funny pictures from reader JMC's Flickr page.

Flickr should have an E in it.

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We play in a Pac-10 fantasy basketball league at work.

Ten teams, five players per team. Scoring is like this: 1 point per point; 1.5 points per rebound; 2.5 points per assist.

That makes guys like Jon Brockman, Kevin Love and Ryan Anderson hugely valuable because they're all good for a double-double every time out.

Our top player is O.J. Mayo. (We got him at No. 4 behind Brockman, Anderson and Love). He should stop hanging out with Carmelo Anthony. The party they were at was probably pretty fun if 'Melo stayed up past his bedtime.

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We don't really understand tennis -- how it works or why people like it. It seems redundant, no? Suppose basketball is too. OK, throw that last point out.

We watched both women's semifinals matches of the Australian Open. People have been talking how all four are total hotties.

We'd need a pitcher of Long Islands and some date rape drugs before we served any of them.

Though the one with the white outfit in the second semi (starts with an H, ends with a OVA???) totally had hard nipples. Hot.

The other one was sweating from her breasts.

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Our buddy Josh of The Beautiful Game brought up a great idea: what if instead of the Super Bowl, the Patriots played the NFC Pro Bowl team?

That would make for a much better game.

We're not one for predictions, but NE: 31, NFC: 24. A late Favre interception seals it.

Really though, it would be a neat experiment. The Patriots are essentially a Pro Bowl squad already and they have chemistry that you don't see from All-Star teams. And defense. The NFC Pro Bowlers probably don't play defense.

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Our boy GMoney of The Money Shot fame had a great suggestion to give a shameless plug for The Hater Nation and its wonderful roast of Georgia Frontiere. That site just doesn't hold back. Spectacular.

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Tomorrow is Friday, which is one day closer to Saturday.

Big Picture Categories: Super Bowl sites

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

We're less than two weeks away from the Super Bowl and we're about as it excited for it as we are a trip to the dentist. Nonetheless, it is the Super Bowl which is a great excuse to drink piss beer on a Sunday afternoon. Not that you needed an excuse...

With the big game on the horizon, today's category will be naming all the cities that have hosted a Super Bowl. This is Super Bowl XLII, but with all the repeat cities, we're guessing that there have been about 30 host sites. So let's get 'em all! We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. First person to blow it gets to have a run-in with Ray Lewis in a dark alley.

We'll start with a recent one: Detroit (Super Bowl XL).

All right, football fans. Show off your Super Bowl knowledge in the comments.

Eddie Murphy is prophetic

The guy sees the future and shit while being pleasantly entertaining.



We want one of those vests.

If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death...

Don't read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure's name who you dislike for Rivers'.

It's just Rivers is sorta in people's minds and he's really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here's a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death...

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.


There's nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.


Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.


Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.


Wood's character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, "it'd be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off." Low and behold... But hey, it'd cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.


Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn't deserve this hero's fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.


Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil's IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu's -- "if this bus slows down, we are all going to die" -- so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.


This would make it hard to taunt fans...

3. Bad guy's face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.


This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.


This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn't be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.


Rivers either doesn't have a heart or it's black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We're sure we've left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.

We're on the hot seat

The kind gents at Sports Tech Now run a great interview series and posted a fun Q&A with yours truly.

Go read it. Leave a comment. Feel free to make fun of us. We're surprisingly comfortable with it.

Enjoy it now, Giants fans

Remember what happened last time the Giants were in the Super Bowl?

Yeah. Ravens 34, Giants 7. And that was a Baltimore team that didn't have an offense. One's gotta think that New England, on its quest to piss off the rest of the country and go undefeated, is going to make short work of New York.

Unless Brady gets picked off six times, the defense only goes hard for two downs at a time and a few guys get arrested in Phoenix, this game won't be close.

So enjoy it now, Giants fans. There won't be much to cheer about on Feb. 3.

Archie Manning has it good these days

Fuck. Two kids go to the Super Bowl in back-to-back years? He's like the Father of the Decade. You know Archie lives through his two NFLers, so to see each reach the Super Bowl in consecutive years, he's got to be creaming himself.

In fact, you'd think he's taking frequent trips to sperm banks to get more winners out in the world.

Another reason for Bostonians and New Yorkers to want to jab each other in the eye with a pencil

There doesn't seem to be as strong a Boston-New York hatred in football as there is in baseball. But here we are again: a huge game between the two most obnoxious fan bases in the country. The shit talking will be going on for two weeks while the rest of America just sort of shrugs its shoulders and turns the other way.

The happiest Giant? The long snapper.

The only time the long snapper is mentioned is when he fucks up. And he did. But he (and kicker Lawrence Tynes) righted the ship and got the Giants the win.

Thing is, read just about any recap of the game, and we dare you to find the long snapper's name. We just tried and failed. That's why we're not referring to him by name because we don't know who the fuck he is!

Had the Giants lost in OT after missing the very makeable game-winner in regulation, we bet the long snapper's name would've made most articles. Better believe he's happy in his anonymity.

Joe Buck can lie in the middle of the fucking freeway

We know we rip on Buck a ton, enough to merit his own tag, but c'mon, this was the NFC Championship Game, and a fucking good one at that. And we might as well be watching preseason amateur bowling.

Holy fuck is Buck hard to listen to. We had the game on in the background for a while because we had some work to do. The only way we knew what happened was based on the crowd reaction. That's not right.

Does this get Eli off the hook?

It should. Maybe he's taken too much heat all along. But don't think for a second The Hater Nation will let up. No way.

Rumor: Osi Umenyiora likes to give Cleveland Steamers

Cleveland Steamer \Clee-ve-lande-stee-mer\, noun: A Cleveland Steamer is when a man defecates on a woman's chest after some period of intercourse. A variation of this is the "chili dog" which takes the Cleveland Steamer one step further by "titty fucking" the woman using the feces as lubricant.

New York Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora may have a fetish. According to a model's website (NSFW) found by With Leather and Kissing Suzy Kolber, Umenyiora likes to, ugh, well, hmm, better let her explain.

Now let's talk about Osi Umenyiora of the New York Giants. He does likes it nasty in the bedroom. As a magazine model i get introduced to him last summer in NY by a friend of his who also used to play football for a team that I can't remember. We hooked up and he had an unusual request. He wanted to pee on me. I thought it was weird but I did so because he said he it would really turn him on and he would see me again if I did. After I did so in his bathroom he handled his business and asked me how I liked it. I said, "I don't know how I feel about it. It was kind of crazy."

The next time I was with him he offered me 3 grand if I let him defecate on me and I said no. He told me to leave and so I did. The next time he asked and I did and I accepted the 3 grand. And it became a regular thing.

Now there's a very good chance that this actually did happen and Umenyiora gets off by dropping a pile-driver shit on a woman's chest. No way that this is just a swirling Internet rumor. There's all sorts of credibility behind this. C'mon, there's a model who has one blog post about the time she got shat on by an NFL player. She's probably the real Deep Throat.

Sometimes this site writes itself. But this isn't one of those times because this is hard-hitting news. Yes, hard-hitting. Especially if it's a tightly-packed turd.

Big Picture Categories: Quarterback Busts

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

[Editor's note: We're running low on these, so if you have any good future Categories (preferably sports-related), leave a comment or send an email to zachls5@gmail.com]

The NFL Draft is right around the corner -- frankly it's like the only sporting event that gets us really excited this time of year, besides March Madness, of course. That's right, fuck the Super Bowl. Corporate bullshit overshadows the game. Anyway, when you think NFL Draft, one of the first things to come to mind is QBs who went bust.

Today's category then will be naming all those first-round quarterbacks that never panned out. What's considered a bust? Well, use your judgment. But if a guy was picked three years ago (2005 Draft) or more recently, he's not eligible. So Young Alex Smith won't count...yet. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. First person to mess up has to convince his team's GM to take on Smith's $50 million contract.

We'll start with another 49er who sucked goat nuts: Jim Druckenmiller.

Let's go, Draft fans. Slang your QB-bust knowledge in the comments.

(Big ups to James of Horsetoothed.com for the idea).

Ines Sainz is a hard-hitting sideline reporter

Meet TV Azteca's Ines Sainz who is a combination of Cindy Crawford, Jenna Jameson and Michelle Tafoya. She's a sideline reporter that looks like a mix of supermodel and pornstar and would give Erin Andrews a run for her money.

Why's she relevant? Because it's Whack-It Wednesday! No, not really. Well, it is Whack-It Wednesday. But pretty much every day is Whack-It Wednesday even if it's not Wednesday.

Actually, Terrell Owens got taped talking to her last week.




T.O.: Hey, Ines. I got a scoop for you.
Ines: OK. (Walks over).
T.O.: Once you go black...
Ines: I've already been.
T.O.: Oh.
Ines: Yeah.
T.O.: My ankle doesn't hurt anymore. I'm 100 percent.
Ines: Sure.

(See more whack material at With Leather).

Sports fan? Avoid these cities

The Big Lead brought up a good question yesterday: what's the most tortured sports city? We'll let them explain the criteria:

What hurts more, a team that hasn’t won a title in 50 years (but is never really close), or a team that hasn’t won in a decade, but is always on the cusp? And the nominees for most Championship-starved city (requirement - minimum of three pro teams necessary).

Their nominees are Cleveland, Atlanta, Dallas, Philadelphia and New York. (Go read The Big Lead's post to get each city's résumé).

OK, fine, whatever. But we think the two cities we call home deserve adequate mention.

Seattle - Seahawks have been in the playoffs five years in a row, made the 2006 Super Bowl, but have never won a championship. Mariners won 116 games in '01, lost ALCS, and haven't been to the playoffs since. No championships. The Sonics won the NBA title in '79, but have only won one playoff series in the last 10 years. UW won the '91 National Championship and, most recently, '01 Rose Bowl, but has been miserable since.

Bay Area - Giants brutally lose 2002 World Series, haven't won WS since 1954. Niners last Super Bowl title came in '94. Only one playoff win in last nine years. Missed playoffs last five years. Warriors' last title came in '75. Haven't been to conference finals since '76. Went 12 seasons without making playoffs before beating Mavs last season. A's haven't won World Series since '89 (beat Giants). Lost ALDS four years in a row, 2000-2003. Cal last played in Rose Bowl in '59, last won Rose Bowl in '38.

Make the case for your tortured sports city in the comments.

Glen Rice beat the shit out of monster in wife's closet

This is a few days old and monsters don't actually exist, but former NBAer Glen Rice found himself in some legal trouble after he kicked the hell out of a man (likely nude) hiding in his estranged wife's closet.

Former Miami Heat star Glen Rice was arrested Friday on a felony battery charge after police say he beat a man he found hiding in his estranged wife's closet.

Rice went to the home of estranged wife Christina Rice and punched Alberto Perez several times, police said. Perez fled the home and called police. He received a cut to his forehead that needed nine stitches, police said.

Just like a scene out of The Last Boy Scout, an awesome '90s shoot-'em-up with Damon Wayans as a washed up, coked-up former football star, Bruce Willis as a tired, disgruntled detective and Halle Berry as a stripper. (You get to see her cans, sorta. NSFW video action here!)

Anyway, Bruce Willis goes into his estranged (perhaps divorced?) wife's house, talks to her, gets all detective-y, sees the toilet seat up in the bathroom, opens the closet, sees his best friend (or something like that) naked, knocks him around, and then said best friend gets blown up in a car by the bad guys.

The moral of the story? The guy who got his ass kicked by Glen Rice is going to get blown up by the bad guys from The Last Boy Scout.

Oh, and Rice's wife is a total MILF. Why Glen ever let her become estranged boggles the mind. We'll happily get our ass kicked by him to hump with her.

What Really Grinds My Gears

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to zachls5@gmail.com or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.

You know what really grinds my gears? These new game shows.

TV programming is getting butt slammed by the writer's strike, so networks are turning towards cheap, easy-to-produce television which has resulted in the stupidest fucking shows ever. (Note: I haven't watched any of them, I'm simply playing the odds, inherently knowing that watching porn with six other dudes would be more enjoyable than watching 1 vs. 100).

Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Who the fuck are you to ask me that, FOX? Is the sky blue? Is your shit brown? I'm in fucking 18th grade, if such a thing existed. I'm smarter than a fucking 7th grader at least, asshole.

There's also Duel, which is hosted by Mike Greenberg. Super.

And CBS' Power of 10 is actually about my cock.

This new wave of primetime game shows is dragging the good name of classic game shows through the dirt. Remember the good ol' days of Family Feud (not the version with Louie Anderson. He's more annoying than hangnails. Ray Combs was the fucking man!), The $10,000 Pyramid and the original The Price is Right? Those shows were a.) awesome and b.) not in fucking primetime. I could watch those when I was sick and stayed home from school and then I could watch my fucking 90210 and Seinfeld at night, when real TV is supposed to be on.

These writers on strike are really bending over the collective TV audience. They fucking grind my gears as much as the shitty programming that's a result.

The answer to all of this is really porn. Just go out and rent lots of pornography. Or watch sports, which has always been the best game show of them all.

American Gladiators Welcomes Corporate Sponsors

The new American Gladiators debuted this week on NBC, and was a hit among adults 18-49, the prime targets of advertisers. Due to this strong start, the network has quickly decided to infuse future episodes of the program with corporate sponsorship, product placements, and related tie-ins. The first agreement will make-over the Joust event, finally allowing the Gladiators who fight with giant Q-Tips to actually use giant Q-Tips®.


NBC reached an agreement with the Q-Tips® brand, and parent company Unilever, to create giant Q-Tips® to be used in place of the pugil sticks that have been a staple of the Joust event since the series' conception in 1989. The event itself will change little, other than the name which will change from simply "Joust," to "Joust presented by Q-Tips®."

Other events will also receive similar corporate sponsorship. Although not yet confirmed by NBC, sources indicate that the following agreements are in negotiation:

-Assault will now use exclusively Wilson brand tennis balls and will be known as "Wilson® Assault."

-Hang Tough will become "The Krazy Glue® Hang Tough Event."

-Hit and Run will be sponsored by Geico car insurance and the Geico gecko will be painted on all the demolition balls.

-Powerball will become "Powerball presented by the Multi-State Lottery Association" and will feature winning lotto numbers being drawn based on the balls used to score during the event.

-The Eliminator will become the "Depend® Eliminator" with the new slogan: The Obstacle Course so difficult, it might make you go in your pants.

-And of course the show itself will change titles to "American Gladiators presented by BALCO."

-JMC