Tuesday, January 22, 2008

If Philip Rivers died a famous movie death...

Don't read too much in to that headline. We do not want Philip Rivers to die a tragic, gruesome movie death. Frankly you could insert any athlete/sport figure's name who you dislike for Rivers'.

It's just Rivers is sorta in people's minds and he's really a cock-fuck who can go fuck himself. But, we must reiterate for you literal readers out there: we do not want bad things to happen to Rivers beside multiple interceptions and abstinence. This is just a fun way to talk about some awful things that could fictitiously happen to him in a fictitious movie world.

So here's a list! Everyone loves lists. The top 10 ways to die a famous movie death...

10. Alan Rickman falls from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard.

There's nothing like a long fall for Mr. Rivers. And who better to throw his ass out of a window? John McClane. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. You, Philip, are the motherfucker.

9. Jon Voight gets eaten by an Anaconda in Anaconda.

Makes sense that Rivers, a giant dickbag, gets fucked up by an animal that is often used to describe a gigantic penis. Go eat a dick, Phil. Or, in this case, vice versa.

8. John Travolta gets shot while taking a shit in Pulp Fiction.

Rivers is probably like one of those rich guys in that Family Guy episode who claim his bowel movements smell like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls. Except this time, you get pumped full of led while taking your pleasant-smelling dump.

7. Elijah Wood gets his limbs cut off in Sin City.

Wood's character in this surprisingly good movie was annoying as hell and the first thing we said when we saw it was, "it'd be cool if this guy gets his limbs sawed off." Low and behold... But hey, it'd cut down on Rivers interception numbers.

6. Jaws explodes in Jaws.

Jaws was a badass. He probably pulled tons of fish pussy. And he went out epically. Rivers doesn't deserve this hero's fall, but getting your shit blown to eight million pieces is savage.

5. Dennis Hopper gets decapitated in Speed.

Yikes. This is like the one cool thing Keanu Reeves ever did. Phil's IQ seems pretty equivalent to Keanu's -- "if this bus slows down, we are all going to die" -- so a wrestling match on top of a speeding train would be pretty entertaining.

4. Steve Buscemi gets axed up and put through a wood chipper in Fargo.

This would make it hard to taunt fans...

3. Bad guy's face melts off in Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This is one of the scariest scenes in cinema. Holy crap this freaked us out when we were 22. Man, imagine seeing this as a kid. Scary as hell. But Rivers sorta resembles our wide-mouthed friend in the photo above, so his face melting would be the obvious next step.

2. Guy gets curbed in American History X.

This is actually pretty fucked up. Yeah, this wouldn't be funny to joke about.

1. Guy gets heart ripped out in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Rivers either doesn't have a heart or it's black and covered in ice. So to call upon the bad guy from Temple of Doom seems appropriate. Pull that shit out and set it on fire. Not like Rivers needs any more fire in him, though.

We're sure we've left some good ones off the list. Yours please in the comments.


The Beautiful Game said...

what a great post, classic

how about leo freezing at sinking to his death in titanic because that damn bitch wouldn't share the big door

GMoney said...

Great stuff, Zach.

When I think of absurd movie deaths, the scene in Austin Powers when the guy gets run over by the steamroller eventhough he has 5 minutes to move out of the way always cracks me up. Rivers getting smashed sounds alright to me.

Chris said...

Best post thus far.

How about the Ricardo Montalban death from The Naked Gun???

JMC said...

I can NOT believe that Sam Jackson getting eaten by the shark in Deep Blue Sea didn't make this list. Seriously.

And I'll be honest, I don't really get the hate for Rivers. It was pretty gutsy of him to play with a busted ass knee 6 days after surgery.

How bout the dude getting his head blown off by a canon in Glory? Or Boromir getting shot by like 100 arrows in Lord of the Rings. Or a better Lord of the Rings - that one dude getting burned alive and then jumping off the cliff - that was epic. How about Obi Wan getting light-sabered to death by Darth Vader? I got it - getting your face eaten off by Hannibal Lecter - that would suck. Wait a minute - how about when the lawyer gets eaten by the T-Rex while taking a shit in Jurassic Park - another good one. And even though it doesn't involve death, if you really want to inflict pain and suffering - what about the scene in that latest James Bond movie where he gets whipped in the genitals. Ouch.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Good List!

I actually watched a new favorite movie death the other night. F/X had The Punisher on, I finally figured out what it was right before the final killing spree, so I had to keep watching.

But he grabs a guy's hand, and twists his arm behind his back, breaking it, then pulls out a knife and stabs through the hand of the broken arm, pinning it straight to his ass. Then he turns the guy around, shoves him against a wall, and makes a cut across his stomach with a whole different knife, letting his guts spill out as he slowly dies.

It's a bad ass movie killing.

Bokolis said...

The way Hannibal Lecter (in whatever the name of the movie was when they re-made Manhunter) hung the Italian dude off the building with his guts all out was a fucked-up way to die...even worse than getting a curb-job.

Travolta had wrapped up his dump when he got done. Come to think of it, that was a pretty quick shit; he got done before the Pop Tarts were ready.

Shane Rollins said...

How about getting beaten to death by Ivan Drago, that's gotta be up there as well. Maybe not as cool looking as your heart being torn out, but come on, everything he hits, he destroys!

Chris said...

How about just being Heath Ledger....

T Dizzle said...

The list is pretty good. The one I feel is deserving is the scene in Last of the Mohicans where Daniel Day Lewis's friend is exacting revenge for his sons death comes to mind.

Joey K. said...

It's safe to say that Rivers' stance on abstinence and constant trash talking have not made him a popular figure.

Anonymous said...

I'll add the death scene at the end of Marked For Death, when after Steven Seagal decapitates his brother Scarface, Seagal uses his thumbs to poke out Screwface's eyes, breaks his back with some sort of wrestling move (backbreaker), then throws him down the elevator shaft where he lands on a spike and what's left of his heart is left sticking to the end of the spike.

Shane Rollins said...

What about Scarface, getting shot about 253 times and high as a kite on cocaine

Anonymous said...

Watched Shoot Em Up last night and saw the perfect fit for Philip.

The main character kills a guy by jamming a carrot into the guy's mouth, then hitting it so hard it comes out the back of his head/neck.

It's go great with Philip's bucktoothed smile.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic list! Philip Rivers is such a cocky jackass.

The mental image of Norv Turner curb jobbing Rivers after that pitiful performance in new england will lull me to sweet dreams tonight.

Mary Mass said...

The policeman with his face ripped off in Silence of the Lambs should make it to the list! Not only is the movie "epic" but the kind of death is to some extent unusual. Anyway, I could not help but laugh at "JAW EXPLODES" at Jaw!

obagi nu-derm said...

The guy from Indiana Jones looks very very hilarious, perfect for the top rank.

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