Bow Down, motherfuckers

Ah, the joy of winning a National Championship. Today the grass is greener, the sun warmer and the Washington football team didn't go 0-12 last season.

The UW softball team made us proud, sweeping top-seeded Florida and winning its first softball title.

Naturally, ESPN fucked up that above headline, suggesting that this was U-Dub's first national championship in any sport. It isn't.

The women's volleyball team won the title in 2005 and UW captured the NCAA football championship in 1991 behind guys named Mark Brunell and Steve Emtman, who you may or may not have heard of.

So today we are all champions. Bow down to Washington...

Pick the Perp Contest Results

Fun times at picktheperp.com. We had two winners -- see, that shit is hard! -- who could successfully identify the criminal.

Big ups go out to Sean Falese and Bobby Hundley for getting three in a row. Neither of them wanted the porn links. We're surprised, too.

Dennis Rodman is going to televised rehab, so basically he's just on TV

Dennis Rodman in rehab is about as much fun as virgin margaritas, but VH1 seems to think the former NBA star -- and current reality television star (star?) -- makes for good TV. The Worm will be on the Season 3 of Celebrity Rehab on VH1.

Dennis Rodman will be on the third season of Celebrity Rehab.

See? Blockquote. That means it's real.

Rodman has also been on reality shows like The Celebrity Mole, U.K. Celebrity Big Brother, and Celebrity Apprentice. All of those shows have clever titles.

Clearly being a retired NBA player with an alcohol problem is tough work. Not easy to rebound (pun!)...that's why celebrities and reality television make such a depressing pair.

In non-depressing news, Rodman was briefly married to Carmen Electra. They probably had sex. A lot. There is nothing remotely unfortunate about that.

Pick the Perp Contest

Go to Pick the Perp. It is hilarious, awful, and surprisingly difficult all at the same time. If you get three in a row, we'll give you the normal choice of prizes: guest post, link to your site, porn links. Send us a screengrab of the top right of the page where it says, "Best Streak," to verify that you know your police lineups. Reach us at zachls5@gmail.com. Good luck, detectives.

Morning Headlines: Florida State 37, Ohio State 6

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: SSReporters (again!) with this from Texas' 25-inning win over Boston College: BC eager to play Army in next game.

[Florida State-Ohio State box score].

-Buckeyes pound out 13 hits in loss

-Second-inning rally paces FSU to Super Regionals

-Seminoles overcome two errors, 'spotty' pitching, to advance

Your college baseball blowout headlines encouraged in the comments.

Miserable Sports Cities

Just when something good was about to happen to Cleveland, a city that's been waiting for nearly 50 years for something good to happen, along comes Dwight Howard, raining threes and punishing defense to remind Cleveland natives that "good" and "sports" in the same sentence just aren't meant to be.

But Cleveland isn't the only city that's hurting. Here's a look at the top five most miserable sports cities. As always, omissions, thoughts and disagreements welcome in the comments.

5. Atlanta

Hard to consider Atlanta as miserable seeing as the Braves won 14-straight division titles starting in 1991. Yet, they only won one World Series in that span ('95) and have had mediocre attendance since, despite their regular-season success.

Aside from the Hawk's 1958 championship (which actually occurred while in St. Louis), Atlanta's success has been scattered and inconsistent. The Dirty Bird was fun while it last, though.

4. San Diego

Neither the Chargers or Padres have won a Super Bowl or World Series, respectively, though the Chargers did win an AFL title in 1963.

Of the four pro teams to have called San Diego home (the Rockets and Clippers used to play there), none have an overall winning record in the city. This futility has led to the term San Diego sports curse. Nobody really refers to the San Diego sports as a curse because we don't think anybody really cares. Great weather and nice beaches can really go a long way...

3. Buffalo

It's been 44 years since Buffalo has been a championship city. Sure, the Bills tried really, really hard in the 90s, but lost four-straight Super Bowls, which must be some sort of record.

The Sabres have had success, yet have only made it to the Stanley Cup Finals twice, most recently in 1999 losing to the Stars in six.

Pro baseball and basketball isn't really a big deal up there. But Niagara Falls is pretty neat.

2. Seattle

The Emerald City's last professional championship was 30 years ago by a team that no longer plays there (the Sonics). Of course the Seattle Storm captured a WNBA crown in 2004, but nobody really seems to notice that.

The Seahawks made the 2006 Super Bowl and have been a playoff team for much of the decade, yet its history is built on losing.

The Mariners won a record 116 games in 2001, yet remain one of few teams to never reach the World Series.

The Washington Huskies football team captured a co-National Championship with Miami in 1991, but are in the midst of five straight losing seasons and went 0-12 last year which we still can't believe actually happened.

1. Cleveland

The Browns won the NFL Championship in 1964 and that's about all the city's got. Of course Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore in '96 (where the Ravens later won a championship to add to the pain) and the city was without an NFL team for three years. Now they have Brady Quinn. Take that any way you want.

The Indians made the World Series in 1997, yet lost to the Marlins and have the second longest World Series drought behind the Cubs. They're more known for their controversial mascot than anything else.

The Cavs made the NBA Finals in 2007, only to be swept. This latest disappointment will lead to off-season speculation of LeBron James' future in Cleveland. If he leaves, Cleveland could become a ghost town.

Best things a girl can say

Saw this thread on some message board and it was pretty funny. What's the best thing you can hear out of a girl's mouth?

Some of ours:

-Don't worry, it's not yours
-I got my period
-I just broke up with my boyfriend
-Is it cool if you don't wear a condom tonight?

Yours, please, in the comments.

Morning Headlines: Texas 3, Boston College 2 F/25

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Texas-BC box score].

-Eagles' run in bottom of the sixth forces extra innings

-'Horns overcome three errors for 'important' win

-Austin Wood throws 169 pitches in middle relief

Your college baseball marathon comments welcomed.

It's like if Yao Ming grew three inches. And became slower. And looked different. And was named Sun Mingming.

World, meet Chinese center Sun Mingming. He's 7-foot-9, plays professionally in Japan and wears number 79 (maybe because he's 7-9? That would be a bit contrived.) Did we mention he's tall?

His size has led to the comparisons with his compatriot Yao of the, but Sun’s lack of speed is considered by some experts as a barrier to a career in the NBA.

If he ever makes it to the NBA, Sun would be the tallest player in the league’s history, overtaking Manute Bol and Gheorghe Muresan, who both stood 7-foot-7. Yao, at 7-foot-6, is the tallest active NBA player.

You'd think someone would take a waiver on him. If he can hold a basketball with two hands and walk without falling over, he's good for at least 15 and 10 a game.

Though his imposing figure could become a rude welcoming for some of the league's shorter players. Much like the defender picture above, fighting off a screen might turn into the 15-year-old's equivalent of second base. Though things could probably work out well for Sun's girlfriend: knee pads not necessary.

[AP]

Fuck You, Bird

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Take a fucking hint, Bird. We don't like you and you don't like us. People don't go get all up in your shit by sitting on telephone wires and FLYING THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR. So when you enter our space, we'll hit you with a MOTHERFUCKING BASEBALL and make you explode like fireworks.

Oh yeah, that was on purpose, Bird. Consider it a message from man to bird. We're watching you. You may be watching us from the sky, plotting to take over the world one public park at a time. But you're doomed. Stay the fuck up in the air where you belong, Bird, because hitting you with baseballs is just the start.

Mount Davis really isn't cool and it sucks and it's awful

The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

I hate Mount Davis. Not in the “sports hate/I don’t really hate this” kind of way. I flat out HATE Mount Davis.

I was born an A’s fan in 1987 when I went with my preschool playground and sat in the right-field bleachers watching A’s baseball. This was one of the purest experiences of baseball: sitting on metallic or wooden benches elbow-to-elbow with your fellow fans in the warm afternoon sun. This is what makes Wrigley the greatest party alive and makes me envious every time I watch a 1:20 CST Cubs game on WGN. Sauced up Cubs fans sitting on ancient wooden benches surrounded by a basket with ivy below them.

The Oakland version of this was metallic bleachers with a combination of ice plants and the Oakland hills in the background. My childhood is built around memories of this Oakland Alameda Coliseum. And in 1996, with one swift and petulant move, Al Davis and his silver jumpsuit squashed it.

It was in that year that the once Oakland Raiders (1960-1981) cut ties with the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and returned to Oakland. The caveat was this: the Coliseum needed more seats because the triumphant return of the Raiders demanded the now infamous “Personal Seat Licenses.” Bear in mind that these were not the Raiders of Kenny Stabler, Fred Biletnikoff, Dave Casper, or Cliff Branch. I can’t even tell you who was on the 1996 Oakland Raiders. I’m not sure George Atkinson or Greg Poppa could. Nevertheless, Al had to have an extra two decks of seats and pull-out bleachers.

Since 1996, the best season the Raiders had was 2002 when they went to the Super Bowl and lost to Chucky Gruden and the Bucs. Since 1996, I have had to stare at two decks of seats primarily empty each night at the Coliseum. The only time I saw a giant crowd that filled these seats was an A’s-Giants tilt in 2004 (I believe) when they had 55,000 and change. A’s attendance hasn’t been stellar since and in general isn’t for a variety. I could harp on Schott and Hoffman or Billy Beane’s trading prowess, or even “the tarps.” I can’t speak with great expertise on these subjects but I can say this: the Coliseum changed when the Raiders moved back.

A prime example occurred a month or so ago when MLB network showed the 1989 ALCS. There, in all its glory, was the Oakland Alameda Coliseum as I remembered it. Green grass, ice plants, metallic bleachers, and views of the Oakland hills all in the afternoon sun. As I watched the game, which I didn’t remember because A) I was six at the time and B) I was in school and not at the game, I got nostalgic and angry. I wanted my Coliseum. I wanted the metallic bleachers, the Oakland hills, and the ice plants. Sure, I wanted Rickey in left, Hendu in center, and even Jose “Juiced” Cancesco in right.

We can argue forever about what to do about the A’s stadium issue. As someone who hopes to one day take his son to the Coliseum, either demolish the Mountain or give me a ballpark in the old vision of diamond-shaped stands and a completely open outfield bleachers. Please.

Here comes the Ticket Mobile

With ticket sales down throughout baseball, marketing and sales departments are getting creative to get more butts in seats. Take the Dodgers' new strategy:

Call it the latest in mobile marketing. In an effort to sell more tickets to minorities, the Los Angeles Dodgers are taking to the streets with a ticket sales truck that next month will begin patrolling Hispanic and Asian neighborhoods in Los Angeles. Fashioned somewhat after the many taco vending trucks that roam the city's streets, the truck is intended to give the Dodgers a presence at shopping areas.

Taco trucks are nearly as good as side-boob and slightly better than chocolate-covered gummi bears. This promotion, albeit creative, would be a zillion times better if your upper-deck-behind-the-left-field-foul-pole seats came with tacos for four.

[Sports Business Journal via Ben Maller]

Your 2009 National League All-Star: Manny Ramirez

Always thought it would be funny to get a guy who's spent the entire first half of the season elected to the All-Star game to expose how stupid fan voting is.

Others, clearly, are with us as Vote For Manny 2009 has popped up. The site's goal:

To highlight the silliness that are the MLB rules towards PED users as well as their "head in the sand" approach to this situation. Rather than confront it head-on, MLB is choosing to do nothing and simply hope there are three higher vote getters in the NL OF.

Yeah! Let's stick it to baseball one vote at a time. Voting in any Giants position player would be funny, as well.

[Via our friends at Busted Coverage].

Worse loss?

Two IKEA games Monday. Neither involved teams we care about. We still have a coffee table. Phew. Others might not be as lucky.

1. Syracuse defeats Cornell 10-9 OT in NCAA lacrosse championship:

No. 5 Cornell had defending champs Syracuse on the ropes. The Big Red (their mascot should totally be a big, bad fire truck) led 9-6 with 5:31 to play. The game seemed over. The Cornell players were nearly celebrating on the field, the announcers were saying the next few minutes were all but a formality; the game was over.

But the Orange cut the lead to 9-8 with about two minutes left. Syracuse had its chances in the final minute but TURNED IT OVER with like 25 seconds left. GAME OVER!!!!! THEY'RE BURNING DOWN ITHACA!

But as the Big Red tried to run out the clock, they TURNED IT BACK OVER, Syracuse made two passes -- one nearly intercepted by Cornell -- and tied the game with FOUR SECONDS!!! Dude, HURL THE FUCKING BALL TO THE OTHER END OF THE FIELD. Or throw it in the FUCKING SKY. GAME OVER!

Syracuse finished it off about two minutes into OT and got its second-straight title. Cornell and its fans bought every bottle of whiskey and ever 9mm in all of New England.

Why it's so bad: Huge stage and the game was virtually over.
Why it isn't that horribly awful: Blowing a three-goal lead in five minutes isn't that unreasonable in lacrosse.

2. Indians beat Rays 11-10:

Who says every game doesn't count in baseball?

The Rays jumped out to a 10-0 lead and led 10-2 entering the bottom of the eighth. The Tribe, trailing 10-5 heading to the home half of the ninth, rallied for seven runs and walked off on Victor Martinez's two-run single.

The 10-run comeback is the largest in baseball in over five years.

Why it's so bad: NINE RUNS IN TWO INNINGS! Tampa relievers couldn't manage six outs.
Why it isn't that horribly awful: One of 162.

Worse loss? Debate in the comments.

Fuck You, Phanatic

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Oh, you think you can pull off the, "I dunno, I'm just a silly mascot," look, Phanatic? WRONG, FUCKER.

That bewildered look, the sideways cap, the big belly might play nice with the fans but you don't fool me for a damn second. There's a word for a normal person who has those same qualities: FUCKING RETARDED!

You are like a big, green, dumb mascot who rode the short bus when you were younger. It's nice that you try to brush off your kind demeanor and general wackiness to an adoring fan base, but I can see right through you, Phanatic, and I don't like what I see.

Happy Memorial Day

Enjoy your day off with penis in hand. See ya tomorrow.

Briefly

Costco's samples today consisted of three types of grilled tri-tip, bacon-wrapped steak, chili cheese dogs, hot links and Chinese chicken salad. I also saw a chick with obvious fakies.

GREAT SUCCESS!

Years later, Ryan Leaf is still making the San Diego Chargers look stupid

If being one of the most notorious NFL busts wasn't enough, Ryan Leaf has ventured into the underbelly of society that involves drugs and crime and sleeveless t-shirts.

Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf has been indicted by a Randall County grand jury on drug and burglary charges.

The indictment was handed up Wednesday in Canyon. It charged the 33-year-old former San Diego Chargers quarterback and former West Texas A&M football and golf coach with one count of burglary to a habitation, seven counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and delivery of a simulated controlled substance.

Canyon police Lt. Dale Davis said Leaf is suspected of breaking into a Canyon apartment on Oct. 30 and stealing the painkiller Hydrocodone, which had been prescribed to an injured football player.

He was a golf coach?

Sad thing, Leaf is only 33. He could still have a good four years of interceptions, bad reads and losing in the NFL if he, ya know, didn't have a history of interceptions, bad reads and losing.

[ESPN]

Morning Headlines: Minnesota 20, Chicago 1

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Wednesday's winner: Anonymous with this gem from the NBA Lottery: 'Dream scenario' unfolds for Memphis.

[Twins-White Sox box score].

-Blackburn pitches seven scoreless in win

-Quentin records 19th RBI in loss

-Gardenhire: 'Situational hitting was the difference'

Your MLB best in the comments.

Fuck You, Marlin

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Don't point at me, Marlin. I am not your friend. I will never be your friend. You don't have any real friends, YOU FUCKING PHONY.

You think you're so cool because of your googly eyes, gaping smile and baseball glove. But I'm on to, Marlin. Don't think I don't know that real marlins don't wear baseball gloves. And your whole two legs thing isn't fooling anyone.

Even your name is bullshit. Billy the Marlin. That's just inaccurate. Real marlins aren't called Billy or John or Frank. They have names like, "The Short One That Just Got Hooked By That Fucking Fisherman," "The One With Stripes," and "The Slow One With The Blue Tail That's Going To Get Eaten By The Great White Any Motherfucking Day."

So don't test me you two-legged asshole. I know who you are and what you stand for, Marlin, and I don't like it one bit.