Wednesday, May 24, 2006

It took 5 hours to talk about the number 5?

Athletes can be very superstitious about the number on their jersey. Hard to blame them when a number alone allows you to do this.

So we can understand why Reggie Bush threw such a kiddy fit over his cherished No. 5. Ultimately, the NFL Competition Committee (reach arounds for anyone who can recite the mission statement of the NFLCC) said, “fuck you, dyke!” which we took to mean, “no, Reggie, we’re sorry but we can’t grant you this request. We just see no real reason to change a numbering system that has been in place for years. We respect your desire to wear this number and hope you understand our decision.”

We get that Bush is no exception to the rule, but we are a little curious as to what the Competition Committee discussed during the two 21/2-hour conference calls to come to this seemingly obvious decision.

It may have gone something like this:

Chairman A: “one”
Chairman B and C simultaneously: “two”
Group: “dammit, start over”
Chairman D: “one”
Chairman: A: “two:
Chairman B and F simultaneously: “three”
Rich McKay (committee co-chair): “you mother (expletive) sacks of donkey (expletive). I’m going to cut out your hearts and feed them to your (fucking) children while I overpay your wives to watch.

It probably went something more like this:

McKay: “So, what do you think about denying Bush’s No. 5 request?”
Chairman A: “Yeah sounds great. Let’s deny it.”
Chairman B: “I agree”
Chairman C: “Yeah, me too.”
.
.
.
Chairman M: “Well, I see two ways to this. We could give Bush No. 5 but that would undermine the entire integrity of our committee. We don’t want to conform to one man’s request just because he values this silly number. At the same time, we don’t want to get pigeonholed into being the bad guys of the NFL who do things one way and one way only. I’ve recently heard how we’re being too old-fashioned, so maybe it’s time for a change. Rules can be broken if the time is right. This could be one of those times. It’s hard to say what is best for us, Bush and ultimately, the league, but I think we should at least dedicate some valuable discussion to what is becoming a hot-button issue.”
.
.
.
Chairman Z: Yeah, deny it.

Bush will survive with another number, and will still be New Orleans’ lightning to Deuce McAllister’s hurricane.

What, too soon?

Now we’re big Bush fans. The guy is incredibly mature and is making all the right moves in his early NFL career. He’s not pulling any Eli Manning shit and actually seems excited to be a Saint. His attitude is exactly what the team and city needs in the aftermath of Katrina. The fact that Bush will donate 25 percent of his jersey sales to the hurricane victims is a great show of class and respect to his new town.

For Saints fans, it’ll be a joy to see Bush tearing up the league. Even if he’s wearing No. 25.

In other news: The Portland Trailblazers didn’t win the NBA Draft Lottery because the convicts miscalculated their chances of winning.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the sports editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He'll be honest with you: "I love his music, I do, I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, it doesn't get any better than when he sings 'When a Man Loves a Woman'".

4 comments:

Mike said...

Reggie Bush will hopefully trigger Houston residents to move to New Orleans as a result of their desire to actually watch the number 1 pick in the draft play in person.

Also, nothing beat's Michael Bolton's "Our Love is Like a Holiday"

josh mayers said...

the counting game bit is absolutely hilarious!

so funny, it warranted my first post ever here at the 'Big Picture'

good stuff fellas

Anonymous said...

Thanks Josh -- glad you liked it!

-Adam

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