Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Cleveland 74, Detroit 72: This wasn't what he guaranteed

Here’s the thing with making guarantees: they mean you absolutely, 100% with a cherry on top (and probably some whip and Spanish peanuts) promise something is going to happen. In essence, when a guarantee is not met you’re kind of like the boy who cried wolf (except in this case, the wolf or Mike Tyson will probably eat you and your family.)

Metaphorically speaking, then, Detroit’s Rasheed Wallace was eaten by Iron Mike.

By now you’ve heard that Wallace guaranteed a Game 4 win over Cleveland last night saying, “Tomorrow night is the last game here in this building for this year.”

Well, it wasn’t. Cleveland's win makes Wallace look a bit sheepish.

“Oops. That wasn’t supposed to happen,” he said while looking over his shoulder for Tyson. “I mean, we’re good and they’re, well, from Cleveland."

But Wallace, who is known for making guarantees, kept the shots coming after the latest Pistons loss.

“I ain’t worried about these cats,” he told the AP. “There’s no way in hell they beat us in a series.”

For starters, 'Sheed, Cavaliers aren't cats.

A few things to watch for in Games 5 and 6 (and Game 7 if LeBron wants to shit on Detroit for another game):

- LeBron shitting on Detroit — figuratively and literally
- Wallace making guarantees mid game. Like with Detroit up 85-73 with 14 seconds left: “I ain’t worried about these cats!”
- Cleveland to win the series in six
- Wallace getting eaten by Tyson
- Wallace guaranteeing he’s going to enjoy watching Cleveland in the Eastern Conference finals.

In other news: The Miami Dolphins signed Marcus Vick because they were impressed by his social skills.

-Adam Landres-Schnur

Adam is the sports editor at the University of Washington's The Daily. He's pissed because "There's no fucking coke. There's no coke on this boat."

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