Because everything is super elegant at Churchill Downs -- custom-made hats, luxury boxes and limo rides -- this year's Derby will offer $1000 mint juleps.
We don't think that they laced the drink with acid, but perhaps for a grand you deserve to hallucinate. Word has it that these drinks will use mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South Pacific. They will also include Love Potion #9 and the semen from an African elephant.
We're not big fans of horse racing -- it seems kind of cruel, in our opinion -- so we won't exactly be glued (get it? glued!) to the TV following the event. But we have our money on Secretariat with Seattle Slew and Smarty Jones as our sleepers.
If you don't attend the Derby, perhaps you can spend $1000 on some nice booze or just run out to Jack in the Box and grab about 2,000 tacos. Or buy that hooker you've been thinking about since last Christmas.
In other news: Denver Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke will not extend the contract of GM Kiki Vandeweghe because he is tired of trying to spell Vandeweghe.