Thursday, July 16, 2009

Nothing happened in sports yesterday so let's talk about movies


About a month ago we mentioned starting a new series all about movies. We haven't written about movies since. Guess that was an empty promise.

But we stopped in a Blockbuster yesterday and, by golly, THERE IS NOTHING TO FUCKING RENT. LOOK AT THE MOVIES WE HAD THE CHANCE TO GET:

"Night Train" starring Danny Glover
"Two Lovers" starring Joaquin Phoenix and Gwyneth Paltrow
"Meet Dave" starring Eddie Murphy
"An American Crime" starring Ellen Page
"Deception" starring Hugh Jackson
"What Just Happened?" starring Robert De Niro
"In the Electric Mist" starring Tommy Lee Jones

WHAT ARE THESE MOVIES?!?! WHY ARE THESE ESTABLISHED, RESPECTED ACTORS MAKING MOVIES THAT AREN'T REAL?!?! WHY ARE WE STILL WRITING IN CAPLOCKS?!?!

Did we miss the boat on these, or are credible actors starting to make straight-to-DVD movies? "What Just Happened?" More like "when the hell was this fake movie with a good actor made and why didn't we see previews on the television set for it?"

Color us confused. Maybe we were hiding in a cave six months ago when they were in the theaters (we weren't and they never were, we don't think, anyway).

We picked "Push" off of the shelf but realized that movies like that are why people cut themselves. That should be your straight-to-DVD movie. "Push." Please.

There are just absolutely no movies worth renting (are we wrong? If so, help. PLEASE!), so we went with "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1.

You know what the cover of "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1 suggests? That this is a show about football, with football coaches and football players and other things that involve football, like first downs and touchdowns and referees and Fridays and lights and FOOTBALL GAMES.

You know what "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1 is about? NOT FOOTBALL. This show is a bigger soap opera than "Days of our Lives." And there are like six characters or so we'd strangle with a phone cord. Like Lyla Garrity, played by the mega-hot Minka Kelly. We would do things to Minka Kelly. We would do similar things to Lyla Garrity but take them further until they inflicted pain.

And this story line about these stupid kids killing a guy and then fucking each other because of it even though one is a dufus and the other is a hot/stupid babe? That has never happened in the history of high school. And then like five episodes later they'll be back to their happy-go-lucky ways as if THEY NEVER FUCKING KILLED A GUY! This show abandons story lines about as fast as we'd finish with Minka Kelly.

So yeah, pretty stupid show, but the critics love it and so do some sports fans, apparently. We'd love it if there was more football and more Lyla Garrity not being such a Jesus freak.

Tangent time: Why are all hot chicks Jesus freaks? We once dated a hot Jesus freak. She was soooo hot but soooo into Jesus. And didn't really buy into evolution -- "That's a nice theory," she'd say. "Theory!?!, you super-hot Jesus worshiper?!?! What color is the sky? It's blue. That's a fucking FACT. Know what else is a fact. Evolution. Done." There was no adult touching after that conversation for a long, long time.

Back to "Friday Night Lights" Season 2 Disc 1. The only good characters on this show are the coach, the quarterback kid (but not when he's spitting game at his grandma's caregiver. That's weird and Julie Taylor is smokin' hot and probably tight), the running back who nails the ego thing perfectly and the coach's wife, played by Connie Britton. Connie Britton might be our No. 1 MILF. She is dynnamite on this show. We are very jealous of the actress who plays her infant daughter.

Ok, now help us. What do we need to be watching so our next movie store adventure isn't such a failure? Should we have gone with "In the Electric Mist"? Help. NOW!

13 comments:

rstiles said...

This was a great blog rant today....

Anonymous said...

You went to Blockbuster? I didn't realize it was still 1997.

JMC said...

that is totally not the post I was expecting to see today...

Justin C. Cliburn said...

This could not be more timely. My girlfriend and I went to the video store yesterday and couldn't find a damn thing worth renting. We ended up going the "oldie but goody" route and rented "Coming to America."

GMoney said...

OK, Zach, let me explain this to you. First of all, FNL has the greatest cast tits in the history of TV. Even better than Charlie's Angels. You should watch the show just for the racks.

As far as the actual show, season 2 was a huge steaming pile of cripple shit. Season 1 was outstanding and they found their stride again in season 3 when they quit the bullshit plots and made it more realistic. Stick with it.

And you forgot about the Riggins boys...excellent characters

The Big Picture said...

this was not my post today! adam took care of this one as he masturbates to high-school soap operas while I prefer shows like "Two girls one black cock" and "fuck my wife while my husband watches."

i'm also netflixing -- see, 2009 bitches! -- the wire and entourage.

entourage. now there's a show that isn't really funny, isn't really dramatic, and you want to hang most of the characters (mainly turtle and drama) with a fishing line. but every single girl in that show -- down to the caterers -- is 110% jerk material. unbelievable the women in that show. them and jeremy piven are the only things worthwhile about that show.

yeah, but nothing out on video. i have rachel getting married on my queue. fuck my life.

adam said...

Good call with the Riggins boys, GMoney. I can't really make up my mind with them. At first I didn't like them, and then I did, and then I didn't again. But I think I will again.

Bokolis said...

Having to listen to the den mother and the office twink go on about American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Lost, The Bachelor, 24, etc., I can unequivocably say what should be abundantly clear to all:

Real men shouldn't watch anything on television that doesn't have an underlying point spread and/or money line.

There are birds out there starving for dick. Don't want to step out on your bird? Consider that, ultimately, we men are as faithful as our options>>>...>>>monogamy, therefore, is a sign of poverty.

Still not convinced? I-own-know-what-ta-tell-ya. Do some push-ups or something.

Anonymous said...

if you like tv shows, either "rescue me" (full of humor similar to this post) or "the shield" (an amazing show) will do perfectly.

as for movie, this is like the drought time of DVDs, all the good movie that came out last summer are no longer on the new release shelf, and it is now stuffed with the winter/spring crap line-up.

-noah

Anonymous said...

if you like tv shows, either "rescue me" (full of humor similar to this post) or "the shield" (an amazing show) will do perfectly.

as for movie, this is like the drought time of DVDs, all the good movie that came out last summer are no longer on the new release shelf, and it is now stuffed with the winter/spring crap line-up.

-noah

Alfred E. Spewman said...

Look for another MAD movie soon.

Anonymous said...

fuck that bitch erin andrews

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Anonymous said...

Movies? How about BABES?

When's the Baywatch movie coming out?