Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Paterno: 'It ain't old hat'

DALLAS -- Penn State's Joe Paterno was named coach of they year by the American Coaches Association yesterday -- the fifth time he has received the honor from his peers.

"I'm fuckin' stoked!" said a clearly elated Paterno, 112. "This may be my last chance to win the award, and I'm happy to go out on top by beating the shit out of those other dudes."

The Nittany Lions went 11-1 this season, capped off by a thrilling triple-overtime win over Florida State in the Orange Bowl. A classic coaching matchup against fellow elderly coach, Bobby Bowden, some have said that it was a remarkable game and that it was remarkable that neither coach died during it.

"To win for the fifth time, you think it's old hat, but it ain't old hat," Paterno told the Associated Press. Coincidentally, Joe Pa was wearing a hat from 1873 when he received notice of his award.

Paterno won a close race to win the honor. He beat out other regional winners Texas' Mack Brown, USC's Pete Carroll, Mike Shula of Alabama and Miami's Larry Coker.

Paterno also was honored in 1968, '72, '82 and '86. He began coaching at Penn State in 1899.

Brown, who some thought would win based on his Rose Bowl victory, did not take losing well.

"You better believe I'm pissed," said Brown. "We beat USC and then I lose to a fucking dinosaur?"

Paterno has not commented on Brown's choice words, but some suspect that Paterno, thought to have mob ties, has contacted Tony Soprano about putting a hit on Brown.

But on this day, it was all smiles for Joe Pa.

"I haven't been this happy since they came out with Viagra!" said Paterno. "I'm grateful just to be able to take a piss standing up these days and now to win this! I could die tomorrow and be a happy man."

Sources say Paterno is, in fact, still alive.

In other news: Rich "Goose" Gossage was mistakenly left out of the Hall of Fame when HOF officials confused the former reliever for an actual goose.

(Read more columns like this here, here and here).


NFL Adam said...

Very nice. This was a good spin.

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