Wednesday, January 25, 2006

LeBron's mother charged with DWI

AKRON, Ohio -- Gloria James, mother of Cleveland Cavaliers' star LeBron James, was arrested last week for driving while intoxicated, disorderly conduct and other charges, police said.

"I was high as shit too!" said James, 37, of suburban Green, Ohio.

James reeked of alcohol and appeared to be disoriented. She was going 50 MPH in a 30-MPH zone.

"I woulda been going faster, but it's tough to drink and drive at the same time," James said. "You think I can multi-task?"

Apparently James was multi tasking, though. According to sources, police searched her vehicle and found a bottle of Jack Daniel's, three empty cans of whipped cream and a 6'8" bong that was in the shape of her son, LeBron.

"'Bron turned me onto the whippits," said James. "He also got me into refrigerator fumes. That shit is the fucking chronic!"

James didn't go down without a fight. According to an AP story, she kicked a window of the police cruiser she was being taken away in, but didn't break the glass.

"You'd think she would've been stronger," said an unnamed Akron police officer. "I mean, she gave birth to a fucking beast and her weak ass can't even break a window?"

James posted a $2,500 bond and was released from jail. She appeared in an Akron court Monday and pleaded innocent to several charges, which included drunk driving and disorderly conduct. She will have a pretrial hearing early next month.

LeBron James was unavailable for comment by phone, but sources speculated that he was at the local supermarket stocking up on whipped cream.

In other news: The Sacramento Kings are pursuing Ron Artest to ignite their offense and to beat the hell out of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger next time he's in Arco Arena.


JMC said...

oh Zach, you're a genius

TJ said...

This will be the toughest test for Arnold since he had to rescue Alyssa Milano from Nick Tortelli and the chain mail wearing Freddie Mercury lookalike.

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