You Know What Really Grinds My Gears (named after the segment on Family Guy, of course) is a new feature that will run whenever the fuck we want it to...but usually on a slow news day. It will focus on those pet peeves that, well, really grind your gears. It likely won't be sports-related. Fuck sports. This isn't a sports blog anyway...Oh. Right. Um, yeah, we'll see about making them sports-related. If you have any suggestions -- or would even like to guest write one! -- send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org or Ballhype us or something Internet-y like that.
You know what really grinds my gears?
Cake is perhaps the best desert of them all. I fucking love cake. I used to celebrate my half birthday because it meant my parents getting me a second cake a year. And not that fancy shit with like white chocolate and marzipan. I want my fucking cake covered in rainbow frosting. No. Rainbow frosting is not gay. Or maybe it is. I don't care. It brings me to a happy place, so fuck you.
Talk about ruining something that's great. Putting fruit in the middle of a birthday cake is like raisins in oatmeal cookies, a shemale in a porno, having to wear a condom during head.
I've been having a lot of cake lately because I fucking love cake and cake fucking loves me. I've celebrated a lot of birthdays in the last two weeks and three of the four cakes I've eaten lately had fruit in them.
One was this huge, white-frosting number from Costco. It looked pretty bomb with all sorts of colored frosting and shit, but then I cut in and I'm slapped across the face with a hand of deceit and betrayal. I didn't do anything to that cake. Why did it have to do something to me?
So fuck you, fruit-filled cake. May you be poisoned by your worthless product.