Monday, June 08, 2009

Clubs, breathalyzers and Clear and Present Danger

Saturday was Example 1,024 that I have no idea how to talk to girls.

I was out with some buddies at this club and I was DDing. They're all getting tossed and I'm the awkward guy with his hands stuffed in his pockets looking slightly annoyed.

My buddies have lost inhibition, so are naturally talking to the hot girl with the fakies and also the overweight chicks with the prison tats.

I'm clearly interested in the idea of actually talking to the hottie with the fakies. I don't actually wanna talk to her (I was told later that she said she was from Richmond, Calif., despite saying that she was from the South Bay. Richmond is in the East Bay and a good hour from anything slightly resembling the South Bay.) but I want to know that I could talk to her.

But I had no idea how to initiate the conversation. Making me think, I need some sort of gimmick that serves as a conversation starter.

For example, in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the author has one of those store-bought breathalyzers so you know how drunk you are before you're facing a breathalyzer in a far worse situation. He basically gets wasted while checking his BAC after every drink. He naturally gets the whole bar involved and then throws up all over himself. Had he cut himself off, he would have totally gotten laid.

Other ideas for good ice breakers include going waaaay overdressed (like nice suit and tie) to a dive bar, pretending to be foreign, actually being foreign, pretending to be new to the city. Your ice breakers highly encouraged for everyone's sake in the comments.

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Meanwhile, there was one chick Saturday who was beyond smoking hot. She was like Eva Longoria with sexy piercings and tattoos and probably got paid to dance naked at one point in time. While in line for the bathroom, she comes over and asks what nationality my brother and I are. I think that was her way of saying she wanted to fuck me. Yeah, she definitely wanted to fuck me.

I told her that I was whatever she wanted me to be and she laughed and I came a little. But then what looks like the club manager (or owner) comes and opens like a secret door and she follows him in. I then say to her, "What's going on back there?"

She responds: "Wouldn't you like to know?"

I don't like hypothetical questions. Well, I would like to know. That's why I asked the fucking question.

There is no doubt that she blew him. He looked like a relative of Tony Soprano. With a big chain necklace. Sometimes I hate this world.

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Feel like I say this every year: the NCAA Baseball Tournament is the best tournament that nobody talks about. There's no Fresno State this year, but nonetheless, always a fun tourney. Tune in to the CWS as we'll surely be talking about it in the coming weeks.

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I think I've said this before, but Clear and Present Danger is on every single day. (AMC yesterday. Probably USA the day before. Probably TNT the day before that. FX tomorrow.) There's no other way to explain it. Easily the most showed movie in the history of cinema and television. Solid movie though.

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I was proposed this question over the weekend: name one TV series where the show's first season wasn't the best season. I came up with Arrested Development. Saved By the Bell, maybe, because Kelly Kapowski gets older and her tits get bigger.

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Anybody still watching the NBA Finals? In five years, "The Orlando Magic," will be the answer to the very difficult trivia question, "Who did the Lakers sweep in the 2009 Finals?"

FUCK LA! FUCK THE NBA! What's it going to take for people to realize that this is a very flawed, uninteresting league? C'mon, who's with us?! REVOLUTION!

11 comments:

Bokolis said...

A gimmick only (tenuously and dubiously) gets you in the game. If you can't close, it's worth fuck-all. You do not (all caps) need a gimmick.

It's a state of mind. All you need really need is confidence and a smile. Once you get numb to the sting of rejection- it will take a varying amount of shoot-downs (go with 200 - 300) and maybe a few drinks to the face- you'll be on your way.

Until you develop that, get some just-the-right-amount-of-drunk bird radar.

And...and...and... stop thinking you can bag pussycat dolls straight away. You have to work your way up to that.

GMoney said...

"Whatever you want me to be"??? You've got to be kidding. She would have been more impressed had you just started beating off.

First season of Seinfeld sucked.

Bokolis said...

Also seen that movie way too many times. Just my silliness, I always liked the part when they try to rent the huey...the way the guy says "...two million dollars."

HM said...

First season of "Cheers" is not good. Huge improvement thereafter.

I give you credit for the try. Hey, if the girl was a hooker there to blow the owner, any line you would have offered up would have failed. Might as well get a direct shot in. Next time go with "Is a blow job out of the question?"

ROTU said...

I have found that being a sarcastic a-hole and blatantly making fun of ladies to their face is not a successful way to go. While it makes your buddies laugh, it does not get your d*ck wet.

JMC said...

My Wahoos just made the College World Series for the first time. THat's kind of Cinderella like.

Anonymous said...

No icebreaker help, sorry - I suck with women and lucked into a girlfriend.

The Wire - season 4 completely and easily the best season, with season 3 following very closely behind.

The Beautiful Game said...

the office

always sunny in philadelphia

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