Thursday, June 04, 2009

An interview with Carlos Beltrán

A producer on the Mets' SNY broadcast crew was recently put in isolation with a possible case of swine flu. Carlos Beltrán had missed three-straight games with a stomach ailment. Enter the New York media and connect the dots.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Carlos.
Carlos: Sure.

TBP: We're sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
Carlos: I wasn't diagnosed with anything.

TBP: People can recover from swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How are you feeling?
Carlos: Much better, thanks.

TBP: That's too bad. Have you told your family?
Carlos: Told them what?
TBP: About your case of swine flu.
Carlos: I don't have swine flu.

TBP: How has your life changed these last few days?
Carlos: It hasn't really changed.

TBP: How's John (Maine) doing? Has he broken the news?
Carlos: What news?
TBP: About him also being infected.
Carlos: He isn't infected with anything.

TBP: You've only hit six homers this season. Is it because of the swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Is it tough when none of the guys talk to you and treat you like you're invisible?
Carlos: Nobody's doing that.

TBP: Did you hear about the McLouth trade?
Carlos: Yeah, it's a big pickup for Atla...
TBP: Are you jealous that he's healthy and you have swine flu?
Carlos: No.

TBP: Are you afraid that fans in Pittsburgh will chant, "SWINE FLU. SWINE FLU," if you play today?
Carlos: No.
TBP: Oh, and what's Jerry Manuel thinking trying to play you today? That's ridiculous! A guy in your condition can't play baseball!
Carlos: I can play fine.

TBP: Did you ever see that movie Outbreak?
Carlos: No.
TBP: That shit's fucked up. Really scary. Do you see parallels to your situation?
Carlos: No.

Rene Russo is a total MILF! I would totally do things to her.
Carlos: OK.
TBP: She's 55! That's super un-sexy, but she's really hot. How bad do you wanna fuck her?
Carlos: I'm not sure.
TBP: Do you think you can pass swine flu by fucking?
Carlos: I don't know.

TBP: You used to play for the Royals.
Carlos: That was a great way to start my career.
TBP: Do you ever think that if you still played in Kansas City you probably wouldn't have gotten swine flu?
Carlos: I never thought that.

TBP: The guy who drafted you in my fantasy league is trying to trade you. Do you think he's a doctor?
Carlos: I don't know.
TBP: He's not.

TBP: I know a guy who always roots against you. Why do you think that is?
Carlos: I'm not sure. Sometimes success leads to hostility.
TBP: Or maybe he's just racist.

TBP: Well, jeez, get better soon man.
Carlos: I'm fine.
TBP: OK, thanks for taking the time.
Carlos: All right.


Bokolis said...

Without knowing about the producer, we did this skit in the offices on Saturday night? How did you get the transcript? Actually, we're stuck substituting Kim Jones for Rene Russo.

If you're going to dig on Mr. Softee (regional reference), you have to work in the part about his wife (I think he married Glen Rice's ex-wife) not letting out of the house because he's sick.

I'm not sure Beltrán remembers playing for KC.

Bokolis said...

Sunday night, I meant. Shit's starting to run together on me.

GMoney said...

I must have missed it when Beltran experienced success. That's what you get when you fuck pigs though.

Bazooka Jones said...

Rene Russo reference gave me an idea... Next WYD Tourney: Women over 50.

The Big Picture said...

love it bazooka!

Anonymous said...

where are the babes, Zac? --CArlos