Thursday, April 23, 2009

You fucked a girl waaaay out of your league, you got a promotion and your fantasy is fucking killing; yet two hours of traffic erased all of that

On my way back from the gym I have to take this major, two-lane surface street that has more fucking traffic signals than I have pubic hairs. One of the lights is at a major intersection and I swear if you hit the light right as it's turning red you can get through an entire Guns N' Roses song before the light turns green. And not one of their short, shitty songs. I'm talking about one of their fucking ballads, like "November Rain" or the vastly underrated "Estranged."

No car was directly in front of me as I was approaching this intersection yesterday. I saw that handy "it's safe to cross the street and you won't get hit by a car but you better not take your fucking time if someone's trying to make a right turn" timer counting down, which is great for timing traffic lights. The timer was at four and I was totally gonna make it. Then some fuck in Subaru -- they're always in a fucking Subaru -- cuts me off, drives through the light and I'm stuck with eight minutes of G&R.

If there's anything that can instantly change my mood, it's missing all of the lights on this street or being stuck in traffic. I know you're going, "Blah blah blah just another jackass that hates traffic. EVERYBODY HATES TRAFFIC YOU HATE-FILLED ASSHOLE!" but think about how much traffic really sucks. There is no silver lining to traffic. There is no upside. No potential. (Not that I'm excited about the draft or anything).

Remember that scene from Falling Down where Michael Douglas is sitting in his car on a hot day, a fly buzzing in the car, beads of sweat on his forehead and he drives like 10 feet in 20 minutes then fucking loses it, abandons his car on the freeway and proceeds to kill a bunch of people? That movie was pretty awesome. But traffic -- Michael Douglas was also in the movie Traffic -- turns a normal man into a killing machine! TRAFFIC IS THAT FUCKING AWFUL!

Your hate-filled traffic stories encouraged in the comments. Please don't pull a Michael Douglas. That wouldn't be very good at all.


rstiles said...

There is one traffic light that always FUCKS me whenever I come upon it - NO MATTER WHAT DIRECTION!!!...I CAN NEVER BEAT THE BLOODY FUCKING LIGHT!!!!!

If I was Michael Douglas, I would get a bazooka and bomb that fucking light!!!

Anonymous said...

When stuck in traffic try to remember one thing - you ARE the traffic to everyone else.

Bokolis said...

25k miles is a slow year for me. I've seen me some shit on the road. You can blog about it; that's why I'm here. Railing about traffic involves too much negative energy for me. I just yell "Cunt!" a few times and move on.

GMoney said...

Falling Down is badass.

I've been so frustrated in traffic that I've honked the horn and flipped off a retarded kid on a bike before that did nothing to cause me to sit at the light. Someone needed to feel my anger, retarded or not. I'm not necessarily proud of it...wait, yes I am.

rstiles said...

Retarded kids on bikes are great!!!...especially the 3 wheeler

adam said...

Intersection at the Woodlawn fields in Seattle is BRUTAL! I hit that coming back from the gym, and in rush hour, you can listen to a G&R ALBUM before getting through.