Thursday, April 09, 2009

An interview with Shooter McGavin

Today is the beginning of the Masters, which is an excuse for rich white men to gather and wear golf shirts and khaki pants. A nine-iron is not a sexual term despite sounding remarkably like one.

The Big Picture:
Thanks for joining us, Shooter.
Shooter: Sure thing.

TBP: What's up with your name? Were your parents siblings?
Shooter: No.

TBP: You know that movie Shooter with Marky Mark and the black guy from Lethal Weapon?
Shooter: Yeah, it was entertaining.
TBP: Were you pretty pissed when you found out that movie had nothing to do with you?
Shooter: Not really.

TBP: What will it take for you to win the Green Jacket?
Shooter: I won't be playing this weekend. It's for the pros.
TBP: What's your point?
Shooter: I'm just an actor. My real name is Christopher McDonald. I played Shooter in the movie Happy Gilmore.
TBP: What?!

TBP: So do you expect to go head-to-head with Tiger this weekend?
Shooter: I won't be playing.
TBP: Does Happy stand a chance?
Shooter: Happy is just a character from the same movie.

TBP: That woman in Happy Gilmore is pretty hot.
Shooter: Julie's a lovely actress.
TBP: She was also in Weeds and nailed a high-school kid. Have you ever banged a high-school kid?
Shooter: No.
TBP: Will she be in Augusta?
Shooter: I don't think so.

TBP: You're a real actor?
Shooter: Yes.
TBP: That's too bad. You've been in some terrible movies. Did your work in The House Bunny make you want to hang yourself a little or a lot?
Shooter: I had a good time with that project.

TBP: Adam Sandler: Big into coke?
Shooter: No.

TBP: If you were going to pick an assortment of ice cream flavors to try to make sense of Tiger Woods' ethnicity, what would you choose?
Shooter: I don't know.

TBP: Phil Mickelson sure gets a lot of credit for being a career loser. Don't you think that goes against everything we're told as children?
Shooter: Not really.

TBP: Here are some random questions.
Shooter: All right.

TBP: Don't you think the saying, "Water under the bridge," is sort of silly?
Shooter: I guess.

TBP: Do you think swimmer's ear is actually real or just something swimmers make up to sound like there are swimming-related injuries besides drowning.
Shooter: I think it's real.

TBP: Worse: Comcast or Free Credit Report.com commercials?
Shooter: I don't watch much TV.

TBP: Would you make out with Steven Spielberg to get the lead in his latest film?
Shooter: No.
TBP: What if he had just eaten a York patty?
Shooter: Probably not.

TBP: Do you think it's bullshit that Cheez-Its and Goldfish are the same product or is it just clever marketing?
Shooter: I don't eat junk food.

TBP: Thanks for joining us, Mr. McGavin. Good luck this weekend.
Shooter: OK.

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