Monday, April 27, 2009

Draft-Day Diary

For the draft, I went up to Davis, Calif. with five other guys on Friday night. We cramped into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Nobody threw up inside. There was a lot of shitting. And beer. Here's how Saturday went down.

8:09 a.m.: Wake up with pounding headache despite Alka-Seltzering the night before. That shit doesn't work at all. And drinking wine, Sparks and Coors Light, and getting six hours of sleep after sharing the bed with another man leaves you with a headache. These are indisputable facts.
8:10: Feel the turd wrapped around my colon.
8:15: Do something about it.
8:31: Wished I hadn't. (This, by the way, is a horrible feeling. To feel worse after dropping dung is a bad way to start a day).
8:58: Everyone's up. Hard to tell if Sam slept at all. He got in bed hawking Brian Orakpo and he still is. Sam is alone in this sentiment.
9:01: With so many needs for the 49ers, I say that the only way that they can fuck this up is if Crabtree is available at No. 10 and they don't take him.
9:02: Think that in about five and a half hours the Niners will do exactly that.
9:26: Walk over to the Financial District. It's not really a financial district, but there's a Wells Fargo, Bank of America and Chase all on the same block. Davis is not New York City. But there is a Financial District. +1 Davis.
9:45: Order breakfast at Crepevine. Crepes are a stupid food that should be left to the French and stupid people. Good thing that this stupid food restaurant also had normal breakfast items like eggs and toast and other non-stupid food.
9:48: Realized that I fucking hate regular breakfast places, too. For example, Friday night before hitting the road, I made a five-egg scramble with Andouille sausage, bacon, cheese, onions and bell pepper. First off, Andouille is better than sex. I would eat Andouille sausage in my fucking Cheerios. Andouille turns vegetarians into carnivores. Andouille could kill Chuck Norris. Secondly, this cost me about 10 minutes and maybe $3. At Crepevine, I got some southwestern scramble with salsa, avocado and other things that aren't particularly native to the southwest yet is considered southwestern cuisine. It was fine, yet there were only two eggs, there was no meat and it cost about eight bucks. Grrrr.
9:49: Mind-fuck a few of the waitresses. College girls wearing tank tops and daisy dukes is a good way to earn a tip.
9:51: Sam will not shut up about Brian Orakpo.
10:35: Begin beer/munchies run at local supermarket. Note supermarket's ping-pong ball selection is in the beer aisle.
10:36: Also in beer aisle is a make-your-own-six-pack. This is AWESOME! They have a bunch of individual bottles of good beers -- nice selection, too -- and you can arrange your own variety pack for like $8.50. Solid supermarket.
11:00: Next door, Papa Murphy's has just opened so we go to get some take-'n'-bake for lunch.
11:11: Order two cheese pizzas. It took us 11 fucking minutes to settle on two cheese pizzas. Our pizza maker was somewhat amused by our general ineptitude.
11:36: Compose and erect a NFL Draft Big Board and rotate through the bathroom. You wouldn't believe the action this toilet saw over the course of 36 hours. We just torched the hell out of that thing.
12:40 p.m.: Twenty minutes to go. Time to pop the champagne and pore some grapefruit mimosas.
1:00: "The Detroit Lions are on the clock." jkdjfiohsiotheodnuhndklsjfhwiothewh!!!!!!!!!!!
1:01: (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
1:02: Love how Jets fans are booing the start of the draft. These guys would boo the birth of their sister's child. "Shoulda been a boy."
1:12: Discuss how Seattle and Jacksonville hold the keys to this draft.
1:22: Tyson Jackson!!!!! A late mover has us out of our seats.
1:34: Proven wrong about the 'Hawks and Jags. Jets move up! MAJOR TRADE! Jets fans seem pleased, yet still booing.
1:55: Oakland takes Heyward-Bey from out of left fucking field. Al Davis is absolutely insane. He masturbates to 40 times. Heyward-Bey!?!?! At No. 7?!?!?! This is Al Davis.
1:57: Realize that if Crabtree makes it past Jacksonville he could be a Niner! We nervously anticipate the upcoming pick.
2:10: Crabtree still on the board! This is incredible news. Green Bay isn't going to take a receiver!
2:18: Niners are on the clock. The pick has to be Crabtree. But it could be Michael Oher. They need line help. Sam is fighting for Orakpo. We're in accordance that the worst pick here would be Jeremy Maclin. They're gonna fuck this up.
2:23: They don't! CRABTREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:27: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:31: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:55: Eat our first Papa Murphy's cheese pizza. Had never tried Papa Murphy's until now and think we probably won't again. That's not to say it was bad, but the take-'n'-bake concept isn't one we find appealing. Why would I pay someone to make me a raw pizza when I could not only have someone DELIVER me a pizza but it would be FULLY COOKED!
3:13: The hiccups have overcome Jamie (JMC). Jamie takes a "nap" to try to get rid of them. This is not a nap. This is Jamie passing out.
4:25: Jamie is back! Up from his nap and re-charged, he grabs another drink. We strongly approve of this.
4:26: Hiccups are back.
4:32: Can't believe Maualuga is still on the board. If he ends up in Baltimore, Pittsburgh or New England, he's a sure-fire Hall of Famer.
4:58: Maualuga ends up in Cincinnati. His Hall of Fame bid is over before it even began.
6:27: Eat second of two cheese pizzas. There is nothing good about Papa Murphy and what he stands for.
6:49: Turn on "Desperado." Fast-forward to the scene where Salma shows her tits. Salma Hayek is so mind-fuckingly hot in that movie we nearly circle-jerked. She was that amazing. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Here's a NSFW pic that will easily make your Monday better.
7:14: Rotate through the shower. Everyone shits again. Someone might have jerked it in the shower thinking of Salma. Probably not.
8:16: All cleaned up, drinks mixed in water bottles for the walk, and we get ready to burn down Davis.
9:27: We're two beers down apiece and have moved on to Scotch at Uncle Vito's. Horrible name for a bar. But they had the Sharks game on. SHARKS!
10:08: Walk outside to grab the mixed drinks we had stashed in some bushes. (Totally classy). We dusted those off while discussing the movie, "A History of Violence." Solid movie. Loved William Hurt in it. Thing is, we couldn't remember in one of the movie's final scenes when protagonist Viggo Mortensen encounters his brother (Hurt) and Hurt calls him by his real name, not the alias he has been living by the last many years. For the life of us, we couldn't remember his fucking name. It was driving us nuts. Conveniently, there was a Blockbuster a block away from the bar; everything in Davis is a block away. So Adam runs over to Blockbuster, drunk, and comes out five minutes later yelling JOEY!
10:37: Think tequila shots are a good idea.
10:39: Realize that tequila shots probably weren't a good a idea.
11:45: End up at some dance club -- it's Davis, so the dance club is just a Thai restaurant/bar with a big dance floor -- because the single guys want to, "go chase some skirt."
12:58 a.m.: Two dudes go back to some girl's house. Neither gets laid. Jets fans are booing.
1:14: The Niners drafted Crabtree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1:39: Walking back home, we stumble into two guitar-playing bums. We ask for "November Rain" and settle for "Knockin' on Heaven's Door."
1:52: End up at some corner mini-mart. Again, influenced by too much alcohol, think that Cup of Noodles, Pringles and beef jerky is a good idea. Alcohol is a helluva drug.
2:12: Turn on "Borat."
2:26: Make snooty comment about Cup of Noodles in Borat voice.
2:59: CRABTREE!!!
3:01: Asleep. (CRABTREE!!!!)


rstiles said...

I want your life!!!

JMC said...

12:00 the next day - locate missing member of draft-watching party, still at the girl's apartment with a dead cell phone

12:01 leave Davis

49er16 said...

You are suppose to drink any natural in Davis!

GMoney said...

Davis, CA has to be better than Vernon Davis.

Anonymous said...

Bad news: I heard Salma Hayak got married this weekend to some French gazillionaire. Sorry to ruin your Monday.

The Big Picture said...

way to be the bearer of bad news, anonymous!

for sure, gmoney. did you notice vernon though celebrating with brother Vontae? nice suit.

Christina said...

Whatever happened to "What really grinds my gears"?

rstiles said...

Hey Christina, I want you to grind on my gear!!!

The Big Picture said...

i know, christina, it's been a while. got any good ones? want to guest write one? holler at me at if you got something good; the well's run a bit dry.

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