And the winner is...

Ace, of The Ace of Sports, is the winner of Friday's little caption contest, offering up this gem:

"And that, gentlemen, is how you make Campbell's Chunky Soup."

Thanks to all for playing. We'll do it again soon.

Fun with pictures

If captions are your thing, we suppose this would be an appropriate time to leave one in the comments.

Best caption gets choice of:

1. A link
2. A shoutout
3. Porn links

Go.

Fantasy Throwdown!

As you all know, the NFL season kicks off this week, and that means fantasy football. In what's probably not a surprise to anyone, the writers of this blog are in a fantasy league together with a bunch of other schmucks. Lo and behold, two of us are matched up in week 1. Zach (The Pink Tacos), and JMC (Daddy's got a Zikpah) will face off this Sunday. Here are the lineups -- it's projected to be a close game, who do YOU think will win?

Click the picture for a larger size!

Oklahoma City Thunder: It rolls right off the tongue

The Seattle SuperSonics are officially dead: welcome to the NBA, Oklahoma City Thunder.

Thunder? Really? Daunting. Scary. Intimidating.

And there is thunder in Seattle, too. And in Miami. And in just abut every fucking city that has weather or the sky.

What's even more humorous than actually referring to a professional basketball team (that does not contain women on it) as the Thunder is the other names OKC brass were considering.

They were Wind, Barons, Marshalls, Energy and Bison.

One by one:

-Wind. OMG! WTF! LOL! The wind. DURANT FOR THREE AT THE BUZZER...WIND WIN! WIND WIN! Yeah, that would work for a WNBA team.

-Barons. Like it. A title of nobility. Beer baron. Baron Davis.

-Marshalls. Not bad. A western term. A form of authority. Carry guns.

-Energy. No. No. No. Kinetic energy. PG&E. Energizer.

-Bison. Safe. Go the animal route. Fine. Plural without an S. Love it.

Going the path of storms or thunder or weather, we thought Twisters could've been good. Or Tornadoes. Why not? Kind of trite, but pertinent to the region, daunting and easy to turn into a logo.

But instead we now welcome the Oklahoma City Thunder to the NBA. And we officially say goodbye to the Seattle SuperSonics.

Dr. Williams, Medicine Man

This is a funny article. And it's about sports. So we wanted to put our stamp on it, FJM style.

The pre-algebra teacher was just making small talk when he approached Dolphins running back Ricky Williams on the star's first day of school at Nova Southeastern University last week.

Three things:

1. Ricky Williams is back in school. Wonder what he wore to his first day of class.
2. Nova Southeastern University is a place of higher learning. Really. This is not a joke. Seriously.
3. We took pre-algebra in seventh grade. Just saying.

Yes, Williams is just a regular student these days, apparently unrecognizable to dozens of students and his teacher as he pursues an undergraduate degree he never got during his tenure at the University of Texas.

Going back to school is important. Nova Southeastern University. One more time. Nova Southeastern University. Probably has a great business school.

Perhaps the most intriguing reason, though, is Williams' return to school. Currently enrolled in a pre-algebra class and a writing class, Williams only devotes two hours per week on the evening of his off day from the Dolphins.

In "writing class," Williams is learning the difference between nouns and verbs.

Next semester, he'll become a full-time student, needing 74 more credits to graduate. But he doesn't plan to stop there. Part of his reason for wanting to stay in South Florida is his desire to enroll in Nova's medical school.

Surely a top-tier program.

Williams wants to become a doctor, and Nova has a program that will allow him to study Osteopathy.

This is not going towards medicinal marijuana. Uh uh. No way.

These are obviously high aspirations,

See, not going towards medicinal marijuana.

but Williams said he realized he was gifted in the field of holistic medicine, which is encouraged in Osteopathy, during his world travels.

Holistic medicine, n.: a philosophy of medical care that views physical and mental aspects of life as closely interconnected and equally important approaches to treatment.

World travels refer to the time he traveled the world. He may or may not have smoked a joint that was, "sturdy enough to prop open a door."

''I like seeing people feel better, and I know what it feels like to deal with pain,'' Williams said.

He is in no way referring to medicinal marijuana. Absolutely not. No dope. Drugs are bad. DARE.

Whatever happens after his career, though, is not what the Dolphins necessarily care about.

Be a doctor. Be a monk. Smoke some doobies. It's all good, brah.

If Williams and Brown can remain healthy -- and if Williams can continue to show his current level of dedication to football -- the controversial star said he believes the Dolphins are on the right track to success and he can help them get there.

Here's to 3-13, bitches!

Then, Williams' teacher might start to know his name.

If 4x = 8, what is the value of x?

The next president of the United States of America...

So this is a fun game.

Go ahead and make one. Send your permalink to zachls5@gmail.com and the one that makes us laugh the hardest will get a shoutout of some sort.

And the woman in the video is a fucking dime! Shoutout No. 2 goes to the person who can find naked pictures of her on this lovely Internet.

At least he kept his walks down

Future A's and Giants played a little Triple-A game Saturday, and for Sacramento River Cats pitcher Lenny DiNardo (he's an Athletic, phew!), he would've probably been better off watching college football all day.

Rather than watch his Stetson Hatters take on...well, Stetson doesn't have a football team and its mascot is a fucking hat...he went out on the hill at beautiful Raley Field and had one of the worst days in the history of pitching.

He went three-plus innings, gave up 14 hits, 15 runs (all earned) and gave up two jacks. He struck out one. You can see the hilarious box score here.

Not entirely sure why he would be left in a game long enough to give up 15 earned (though, we think that the bullpen allowed a few inherited runners to score), but man, 15 earned will fuck up your ERA.

But we always look for a silver lining: only two walks. Way to make them hit their way on, Len.

Hand pounds to Hot Clicks for the link.

Question of the day

You see a mediocre-looking woman, with a decent enough body doing the splits. How many drinks?

Labor Day!

And there's your expected, gratuitous tit-shot that fills this space instead of informative, edgy writing on national holidays (and every Monday-Friday).

See you tomorrow, Kid-Os.

The Best: college football helmet

Welcome to "The Best," a new series from the people who brought you "Would You Do," "Blogger Interviews" and "What Really Grinds My Gears."

It's just what it sounds like: what's the best ______? "Best" is such a subjective word and that's really the point -- let's get you guys talking! If this works, there will be intelligent, thoughtful debate on the day's topic. And if it doesn't work, well, back to the drawing board.

College football starts today! HOLY SHIT! OMG!!!! AGGGHHH!!!! If eight and a half months without college football hasn't got you drooling over the upcoming season, perhaps some good uniform talk will.

But rather than talk about a full uni, let's stay specific to one part: the helmet. It's the most recognizable feature of any football uniform and can make or break a team's look.

So, the best college football helmet?

Some things to consider:

-colors
-logo
-tradition/history of helmet

Here's how we'd go:

5. Alabama
4. Michigan
3. Georgia
2. Texas
1. Penn St.

Debate away.

Chiefs take Jay Feely on emotional roller coaster

You might say it's been an up-and-down summer for NFL kicker Jay Feely. Despite drilling 21-of-23 field goals last year for Miami, he was cut two weeks back as the Dolphins attempt to get younger.

Not surprisingly, the veteran was picked up -- by the Chiefs, two days ago. Happy day for Jay. Monday, August 25: A life starts anew. From The Kansas City Star: "Chiefs hope veteran kicker Feely helps."

Why that's exactly what he must've been thinking: "I'm a darn good kicker, dammit, I can help." And to help a team whose kickers made only 66.7% of their kicks last year couldn't be too hard. Besides, he would only have to beat out Nick Novak and Connor Barth.

Jay Feely: A life back on track. A journeyman kicker in a new home with a new team. His team. His time.

Then this from The Star on Tuesday: "Feely's out of here."

Oh. Hell. Cut one day after being signed. Losing out to Nick Novak and Connor Barth. These are hard times for Jay Feely. We hope he's not pointing to anyone particular in that photo. After yesterday, we're not sure anyone is pointing back.

Pretty awful day for A-Rod

So you're in a pennant race (sort of), you're the best player in the game (maybe) and you're battling your heated rival for the final time at your historic park (true).

You're Alex Rodriguez and things are fine. Until you go 0-for-5 with two strikeouts and two double plays, leave seven on base, commit an error, and lose the game to Boston to fall six games back of the wild card.

Oh, and you get booed throughout the game, drop to 1-for-10 on the season with the bases loaded and continue an August slump that has your team headed for an early autumn vacation for the first time since 1993.

Yow! So, Yankees done? Does A-Rod bounce back from one of his worst days as a pro to take the team into October. We don't think so. You?

In other news, Beethoven told to stop composing

By now you've probably seen this story. You know, the one about the 9-year-old pitcher in Connecticut who was told to stop pitching because he was too good (that's him over there). This is ridiculous. What's he supposed to do? Move to another town where the other kids aren't so damn crappy? Maybe these wimps should suck it up and learn to hit some real pitching. Maybe these parents should get over themselves. I got it, tell a bunch of kids that are lousy to stop playing because they're not good enough. Wouldn't that be nice? Idiots.

This just in: I.M. Pei told to stop designing buildings, Ron Jeremy told to stop fucking, and God asked (very politely) to stop being so almighty.

It's time we start talking about college football

That's a photo of some of the Preseason All-Americans, highlighted by Ohio State's James Laurinaitis on the right, doing some Rock Band action. Our money has them playing along to either "Cherub Rock" by the Smashing Pumpkins or "Epic" by Faith No More. But it could be "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet.

The picture comes courtesy of our friends at Playboy and you can see many more photos of the All-America weekend at PlayboyU. And because it's college football time -- the first game is in two days! -- Playboy has its college football preview edition out on newsstands, which is sorta like the SI and ESPN editions, except with naked pictures.

We're not really into doing team-by-team previews or predictions, but we do like to talk about college football because college football is fun and we like fun.

So, let's just talk on a broad level.

Teams to beat? National Championship contenders? Biggest offensive threats? Darkhorses?

We'll just say this, because we feel like we only ever have about one decent point to make about anything: we'll be shocked if Ohio State isn't in its third-straight National Title game.

The Buckeyes will lose to USC in a primetime game in LA on Sept. 13, but then they'll run the table against a disgustingly-weak Big 10 (Wisconsin on the road will be their biggest test) and get back to the BCS championship game with one-loss and a date with _____?

(Our guess is a two-loss Florida.)

Osi Umenyiora out for season; more time for Cleveland Steamers

Osi Umenyiora, of New York Giants and Cleveland Steamer fame, is going to miss the upcoming NFL season with a knee injury.

We'll let the Yahoo! report sum it up:

Osi Umenyiora is out for the season with a knee injury.

This is devastating news for the defending champs as they'll now be without a Pro Bowl blah blah blah...

Osi Umenyiora once shat on a girl! Like what the fuck! That's degrading and awful and crass and animalistic and...fuck! Osi Umenyiora once dropped a duke on a woman! We find this inherently the funniest thing ever.

This kind of reminds us about our own bowel movements. If we were to defecate on a woman -- which we wouldn't, by the way, because we have all sorts of issues with shitting when women are present and it's horribly degrading -- it would be like an hour-long process.

Osi shits on a woman for pure, sexual pleasure. Nothing about our shits are pleasurable. Not even close. It's like we would do our thing on her chest (which, again, we absolutely would never do) and she would be like, "you're an asshole, but let's move on." And we'd be like, "baby, it's gonna be a while. Maybe you should go for a run or read a magazine or go to a movie or something cuz this is gonna take a bit."

So, yeah, Osi Umenyiora is out for the year and the Giants' pass rush isn't going to be very good.

Olympic outfits are pretty hot, athletes in them are not

We, the model citizens of appropriateness and good judgment, would never ever take note of a female athlete’s body or the clothing that accentuates it. Not us. You must be thinking of someone else. Lots of perverts out there.

That’s why we have not even remotely noticed that many of the Olympic events showcase scantily-clad athletes. Women, namely. Scantily-clad women. We like women.

Track, gymnastics and beach volleyball. Each event features women in revealing attire, skin-tight clothing or little covering at all. This concept is good. Because, as said before, we like women. We like good-looking women.

Thing is, many of the aforementioned events feature athletes who are
A. Not hot
B. Old
C. Illegal

These are not traits we desire in women who are half naked. When we look at these women and get a little half-woody in our trousers we feel like perverts. We don’t like perverts. We like women.

Can Usain Bolt catch a football?

We know, we know: Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt is super-mega-ultra fast. Like lightning, they say. He's a lightning Bolt.

You know this, we know this, the world knows this. Good.

But does the NFL know this? Or, to put it another way, does Bolt know that his speed could be a huge weapon on a football field?

We don't know if the kid can catch (or knows what football is, for that matter), but if he could, wouldn't he make for an intriguing wide receiver prospect? If he can catch, and could translate his straight-ahead speed into diagonal cuts and breaks, what defensive back could cover him?

Those are some big "ifs," sure, but there has to be a number of teams out there intrigued by the raw speed of the world's fastest man.

And with his show-boating tendencies, he'll fit right in with other NFL wideouts. Or we'll just see Chad Johnson doing the "lightning bolt" after scoring TDs this season.

Weighing in on the Olympics coverage

We’ve hardly touched on the Olympics around here the past couple of weeks, but that’s not to say we haven’t been watching them. We’ve tuned in nearly every night, and, for the most part, have enjoyed what we’ve seen. The coverage, however, has detracted from the overall experience, and the following observations hopefully support that claim.

The time difference is a nuisance – China is a day ahead of the United States. We understand this. But NBC doesn’t want to acknowledge the time difference. When we see an event, we don’t know when it's actually happening. Could be yesterday morning, could be tomorrow night. Might have been last month. It’s hard to tell, really. It’d be nice if the broadcast gave us a little clock and date on the bottom of the screen saying that the said event is happening at 9 a.m. Beijing time or 7 p.m. or whenever.

- The media needs to be synced - A delay in Olympic coverage is understandable based on the time gap. We aren’t that bothered seeing an event nearly a day after it happens as long as it still feels current. But when media as a whole doesn’t abide by this, we get spoilers. Other news outlets are breaking the results in real time which is making the prime time telecast untimely and irrelevant. We saw on ESPN that Nastia Liukin and the 11-year-old Chinese girl tied in the uneven bars. It didn’t register then, but when we watched the event later that night the potential excitement of the competition was lost.

- The medal events don’t have enough context – Due to the magnitude of the Games, it’s impossible to cover every single round of each event. We aren’t going to see all the qualifying rounds of an event unless Michael Phelps is involved. That’s fine. It’d be nice, though, if in the five-plus minutes of pre-coverage before the actual medal competition we were informed – either by graphic or video (if the video exists) – of the preceding rounds that set the final field.

Dara Torres’ silver medal, for example, might have been even more impressive if we knew that she beat out 40 women just to get to the medal round. But this wasn’t made abundantly clear. We may have seen a semi-final heat, but that might have been days ago. It would’ve been helpful for the broadcasters to provide this info. at the top of the race coverage, even if it's just a refresher. Providing substantial context would enhance the excitement surrounding the medal round.

Some other observations:

- 11:30 p.m. is not prime time. Please don’t show important events then. This is a good time for events that people don’t watch or qualifying heats. Just make sure to replay those heats when the final airs.

- Don't assume the viewer is an expert in each event. The commentators should explain the rules and scoring so the viewer has an idea as what to look for. For instance, all the high dives look pretty damn similar. Explain why points are deducted for having the feet spread apart.

- NBC should be giving us a rundown at the top of the telecast as to what and when we’ll be seeing each event. This is commonly referred to as a schedule. They should do this throughout the night. At the top of the program isn’t sufficient. Just a simple sidebar on the screen with something like:
8:36 p.m. – 100m hurdles semifinals
9:06 p.m. – men’s vault finals
9:55 p.m. – Women’s beach volleyball: United States v. Brazil

NBC is doing a nice job of informing us of the top moments – we get about a 20 minute warning that Phelps will be swimming (useful when it comes to bathroom planning), but that’s about it. Constant scheduling updates would be easy, and the network shouldn’t be worried about losing the viewers by sharing the broadcast’s schedule. It’s the Olympics. People are going to watch.

Don’t get us wrong, we like the Olympics, even if we find them to be more spectacle than sporting event. This is the only athletic competition in the world that can get the average sports fan interested in men’s gymnastics or women’s diving. There’s merit to that. But these Games could be even more exciting, more inspiring, more breathtaking, if the coverage was more complete.

Those are our gripes. Yours?

Kyle Orton goes to Kyle Borton...

Perhaps the funniest thing we ever heard was a game created by a friend called "Six Degrees of Boner."

It'd work like this: Zach goes to Bach goes to Boch goes to Bonh goes to Boner.

It's so funny because it makes little sense and you're trying to get to the word boner, which is inherently hilarious.

But really, that sort of game is necessary when talking about Kyle Orton. He turns women into sex slaves, men into jealous lovers and dogs into...well...makes a dog's red rocket appear.

If there's anything sexier than Kyle Orton on this planet, we'd be hard pressed to find it. He's a symbol of anything and everything sex related.

Meanwhile, Grossman goes to Bossman goes to Bonnman goes to Bonnerman goes to Boner.

(Kyle Orton was named the starting quarterback of the Bears Monday, which in no way is relevant to this post).

Is J.T. O'Sullivan a starting NFL QB?

The name J.T. O'Sullivan isn't thrown around too much among NFL fans. Unless you enjoy talking about former presidents of the Phi Delta Theta fraternity.

The soon-to-be 29-year-old is a journeyman, having spent time with nine NFL teams and having played in NFL Europe. (Did we mention he was the president of the Phi Delts? That frat got kicked off our school's campus a few years back. Good guys, though).

But he was a killer collegiate quarterback. After throwing for a record six TDs in a playoff game for Miami USC Ohio State LSU Texas UC Davis (it's kinda like a football school, except it isn't and it offers a class called Tractor Driving, which we hear is fantastic!) he was drafted in the sixth round of the 2002 draft. And then he bounced around from team to team as you'd expect a player from UC Davis would.

But then you see sentences like this written by a good columnist from a respectable newspaper and you have to wonder if your favorite team's offense can put together scoring drives in back-to-back games this season.

With all but the most outlying counties still to report, we can now project a winner in Mike Nolan's preferred method of migraine management. J.T. O'Sullivan has pretty well nailed down the starting quarterback spot.

At least it's not Alex Smith! But still...

It appears that J.T. O'Sullivan is going to be the San Francisco 49ers' starting quarterback.

J.T. O'Sullivan plays football. J.T. O'Sullivan is on the San Francisco 49ers. J.T. O'Sullivan players quarterback. J.T. O'Sullivan is going to be the San Francisco 49ers' starting quarterback.

Oh dear.