Saturday is Halloween and it's college football, so they're essentially combining two great days which should make one cluster fuck of excellence.
This is where I could go all cliché on you and say, "Which teams have been wearing disguises all season," but that's bullshit and I'd rather talk about candy.
The fact that people just open their doors to strangers and give them delicious treats is one of the greatest concepts in the modern era.
It does still seem funny that when the door is opened -- and ideally there's a mid-4os middle-manager standing there dressed as a fucking astronaut -- the kids still say, "trick or treat." There is no trick. I'm waiting for that guy to say, "We don't have any candy, but here are 12 DOVES!"
Trick or treating is one of the best events there is. And I've done it so much -- pretty much up until college I would knock on doors -- I've become an expert on the candy that's given out. Here's how I'd rank them...
1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc. These candies are all spectacular and uncommon, making them Halloween gold.
2. Full-size bars.
More is better.
3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.
Yes. Good. No reason to go all original on us. Stick to the basics and you'll get some happy visitors.
I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.
If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!
5. Life Savers.
Highly underrated. The sour is just right and the chalk texture is perfect.
7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark.
Highly overrated. Some people love this. Not me. BORING! This is the Big 10 of Halloween candy.
8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?) The ones in the strawberry wrapper are especially disgusting.
9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. Better hire a window washer to get that egg off, you health-conscious prick.
10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Seriously. These people took the phrase, "Throw money at the problem," far too literally.
Who will be giving us a treat this weekend?
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon, 8 p.m., ABC: This game used to be good for like 100 combined points and 900 yards. Now both the Trojans and Ducks play defense. Too bad. Perhaps it's our Pac-10 bias, but we'd love to see the winner get one of those SEC squads. We'd put our money on SC over Florida or 'Bama. Not Oregon. That's why we're going Trojans in this one. USC 21, Oregon 18.
No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State, 8 p.m., ABC: Colt McCoy might be the most underwhelming QB to have a 70 percent completion rate. Texas 34, Oklahoma State 24.
Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:
The World's Largest Outdoor...
-Port A Potty
-Culmination of bad decisions
Florida 40, Georgia 21.
No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.
Washington State vs. No. 23 Notre Dame at San Antonio, 7:30 p.m., NBC. This is by no means a one-bunny game. It'd be like a negative-six-bunny game if there were such a thing.
Why it's here: BECAUSE THE GAME IS IN FUCKING TEXAS! This makes as much sense as advanced calculus because why would a team from the the Northwest and a team from the Midwest meet for a low-profile showdown in southern Texas? Either the Irish schedule-makers were unsure about U.S. geography or they actually think they're expanding their global reach by playing in Mexico, despite San Antonio not being in Mexico and it's in Texas and Notre Dame is HOSTING Washington State in San Antonio, TEXAS! This is bizarre. Notre Dame 482, Washington State siete.
No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn, 12.21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
1/2 can Red Bull
1 .5 oz Jagermeister
Pour red bull into a medium sized glass. Add a shot glass of Jagermeister, and chug.
A good drink for a tough defeat. Something about chugging uppers and downers seems like it should come with a side of EMT. And these are fucking gross. And will lead to bad decisions...
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"dWnoix®ykjpµ˜lk≈g&skJ!J#" (Don't give up the big play).
It's Safer than Crack:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Notre Dame (-28) over Washington State. We just predicted that the Irish would win by 475 points. The 28 shouldn't be a problem again the hapless Cougs.
2009 Bet It Hard Record: 3-5
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Nic Grigsby, RB, Arizona
The junior back is averaging 7.5 yards per carry and has five TDs on the year, yet has carried the ball a combined 22 times in the last four games! We know you like to throw the ball 328 times a game, Mike Stoops, but haven't you heard the football axiom: run to set up the pass?
2. The barista from Friends they all wanted to bang
4. SEC referees
Nope. No one wants it, no one gets it.
Coach whose ass is burning:
1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
3. Ron Zook, Illinois
Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:
Washington's Bow Down to Washington
This legendary piece was written by Mozart, Beethoven, The Beatles and U2 (before they sucked). It is perfect for any mood, event or game and has been known to be an aphrodisiac. It also suffices as a lullaby, Hollywood theme song and elevator music.
It guarantees happiness and is said to help people successfully lose weight.
Babe of the Week:
Slap a pair of bunny ears on and you'd have a "costume."
Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).
College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!