Friday, October 16, 2009

Pre-Gaming: Fried Butter, Taylor Mays and how this year's Heisman race is as lame as the 69th Academy Awards

Fried butter: the reason why 2/3 of Americans are overweight

Fuck it. Grab some fried butter, a bacon cheeseburger on a doughnut "bun" and let's head straight to the games (and the bathroom).

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 20 Oklahoma at No. 3 Texas at Cotton Bowl, 12 p.m., ABC:

Strong advice from an emailer to Stewart Mandel's mailbag:
You've got to check out the heart-stopping fried food at the Texas State Fair just outside the stadium. My lunch at the fair today included a fried corn dog, fried Oreo, fried butter, fried yam, fried pickles, fried pork chips, fried ribs, fried cheesecake, fried shrimp, fried alligator, and the boring fried potato. Be a man, do the right thing.
That's a big lunch... Fried butter?! Fried cheesecake! The heart attack might be worth it.

Meanwhile this game is 9 a.m. on the West Coast. NO WONDER WE'RE FUCKING PISSED OFF! Everything is so neatly arranged for those East Coasters. But there's a little something called Friday Night. And often the plan does not involve waking up at 9 a.m. to watch an important football game. Poor planning.

Texas 28, Oklahoma 17.

No. 6 USC at No. 25 Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC

For Taylor Mays, 2+2=5.
Taylor Mays is faster than the speed of light.
Taylor Mays can kill two stones with one bird.
If you have $5 and Taylor Mays has $5, Taylor Mays has more money than you.
Taylor Mays can believe it's not butter.
Taylor Mays won a hand of Hold 'Em with five aces.
Taylor Mays can divide by zero.
Taylor Mays watches 60 minutes in a half hour.

USC 38, Notre Dame 24.

No. 4 Virginia Tech at No. 19 Georgia Tech, 6 p.m., ESPN2

No. 22 South Carolina at No. 2 Alabama, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Love or hate Steve Spurrier, you gotta admit that visor makes him more ready to play the back nine than coach a football team. Yet it somehow works. Some people call that "style." Alabama 31, South Carolina 10.

Texas Tech at No. 15 Nebraska, 3:30 p.m., ABC. Not so sure why "system quarterback" is such a dirty term. The Red Raiders' backup -- in his first career start! -- threw for 490 yards and seven touchdowns last week in a rout of Kansas State. Perhaps other teams should consider this "system." Texas Tech 38, Nebraska 35.

No. 11 Iowa at Wisconsin, 12 p.m., ESPN.

Missouri at No. 16 Oklahoma St., 9:15 p.m., ESPN2.
Arkansas at No. 1 Florida, 3:30 p.m., CBS.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Tequila Shots

1 1/2 oz. tequila Lemon or lime wedge 1 pinch of salt Moisten the back of your hand below the index finger (usually by licking) and pour on the salt. Lick the salt off your hand. Drink the tequila. Quickly bite the lemon or lime wedge. Rinse and repeat.

Certain types of alcohol can set a mood:

When you're having a party at your house and your buddy and his girlfriend bring over a bottle of wine, you know that it's going to be low-key, boring night and you're going to resent your friend's GF because she's low-key and boring and makes him low-key and boring.

Tequila shots would be at the other end of the spectrum. Want to have a night that's going to be full of fun and bad decisions? Skip the lime and take another shot.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"J9opiøwµ#√5∆sA-1" (Every play counts).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Kansas (-10) over Colorado
. The Buffs are fucking terrible. Meanwhile, Todd Reesing has been the KU quarterback since 1998.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-4

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Sean Canfield, QB, Oregon State

You play quarterback for fuck's sake! It's OK to throw a touchdown every once in a while.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

This is the lamest Heisman race ever. The winner is going to win it because no one else did. It'll be like the year that the English Patient won Best Picture because none of the other movies were really any good.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Al Groh, Virginia
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Alabama's Go Bama

I don't like the Tide one bit, so hearing this song after every play is tiresome. But certainly catchy. This shit could be top-40!

Babe of the Week:

Candy Ace

Hi, how are ya? Is that your real name?

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!


GMoney said...

Your locks of the week are awful. You are hitting at a 33% clip. If I actually bet my paycheck with you, I would not have been paid in 4 of the past 6 weeks. Good day, sir!

JMC said...

somehow I'm getting the impression that the low-key night scenario is a reference to me... shit.

rstiles said...

I was doing good until I saw that photo of Candy Ace in an Indian headdress...

I just unloaded a load in my pants

Bokolis said...

If that were my bag, I'd much rather wake up to (American) football at 9 or 10 AM than have to wait around (nursing a hangover) until noon or 1PM. That's also a function of the bars closing down at 1:30 or 2AM out there, which means you have to go to sleep.

On this side of the Great Wasteland (by wasteland, I mean everything between the San Bernardino Mountains and I-287), if we're trying to catch the ~7AM footie match, there is no sleep. The good news is that they serve until 4AM, or later/never, if you're in the know.

You seriously underestimate the potential for bad decisions (by females, who are the only ones who should be making bad decisions) from wine.

als said...

I'm pretty sure that doughnut burger had a fried egg on it.

1. Where do you get that?
2. How many bites until you die?

JMC said...

als - after we move into the house we should totally make and try those burgers. And by try I mean see if we can convince Sam to eat one.