Friday, October 23, 2009

Pre-gaming: College Football is entertainment, after all. Let's go already!

Anyone else, we hate to say it, bored?

This (albeit young) college football season is just missing something.

Where's the BCS chaos?
Where's the epic Heisman race?
Where are the multiple top-5 matchups?

We have Florida, Alabama, Texas and everyone else. And, frankly, those three teams would get crushed by the 2008 Florida, Alabama and Texas.

It just seems that the overall college football landscape is down. And that happens. And that's fine. I understand that not every season can be littered with stars and top talent.

But where's the excitement?

I was on board with a few games last weekend -- Arkansas-Florida was fun; USC-ND got wild at the end; and there was a great finish to the Washington-Arizona State game if you like the feeling of 1,000 daggers covered with cobra venom thrust into your back.

Two weeks ago we had those SEC battles between Florida-LSU and Ole Miss-Alabama that rivaled Lost in Translation in terms of entertainment value. That's when I started to realize that I'm not having fun this college football season.

One of the reasons I so love Gary Danielson calling the (usually) 3:30 p.m. CBS game is because he calls the game as a fan with an analyst's knowledge. So when Florida and LSU were playing a boring, sloppy game, he seemed genuinely disappointed -- like he had been promised Saving Private Ryan and instead got The Thin Red Line.

So I, too, feel a little cheated. GIVE ME SOME FUCKING CLASSICS ALREADY! It's only Week 8. Still plenty of time for some fireworks...

Who will be giving us a show this weekend?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

None. Good weekend to go bury your head in a sandbox.

No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m., Versus?
: I get wood for the Mountain West. The Mountain West is to football as the Missouri Valley Conference was to mid-2000s basketball.

Mid-majors duking it out, playing in front of passionate fans -- some of which can't drink a Pepsi but sure love football! -- in packed stadiums in games that really matter.

Not a whole lot of talk about TCU as a BCS contender yet, but if the Frogs win this game, a mid-November home date with Utah could be the only thing in the way of TCU and a Orange-Bowl berth.

Boise State and TCU would scare BCS bigwigs, while making the college football fan -- and BCS haters -- very happy. Here's to the Horned Frogs and screwing the BCS! TCU 20, BYU 14.

Oregon State at No. 7 USC, 8 p.m., ABC:

Taylor Mays jokes are fun!

-Taylor Mays can slam a revolving door
-Taylor Mays is so fast he celebrates his birthday every 300 days.
-15 minutes saves Taylor Mays 20% on car insurance.
-Taylor Mays can find Carmen Sandiego.
-When Taylor Mays does math, 100 x 0 = 100.
-According to Mapquest, Taylor Mays can drive from LA to Paris in two hours -- with traffic!
-When it rains, Taylor Mays doesn't get wet.

USC 38, Oregon State 27.

No. 13 Penn State at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC: This should be exciting for people who enjoy pastels, vanilla ice cream and reading dictionaries." Penn State 10, Michigan 6.

No. 3 Texas at Missouri, 8 p.m., ABC.

South Florida at No. 20 Pittsburgh, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arkansas at Ole Miss 12:21 p.m., Gameplan.
Tenneseee at No. 2 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS.
Oklahoma at N0. 25 Kansas, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Auburn at No. 9 LSU, 7:30 p.m., ESPN.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:


You're 99-percent guaranteed to get your ass kicked, but your team still has a 50-50 shot to win, unless you're North Texas.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"2?@9lamn1#50&AdloipacK" (Don't stop moving your feet).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Georgia Tech (-5.5) over Virginia
. Don't let that 2-0 ACC record fool you. This is the same Virginia team that lost to William & Mary.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-5

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Jeremiah Masoli, QB, Oregon

"Day-to-day" is the most frustrating thing a fan can hear. Either you're ready or you're not. It's fucking night and day, buddy. Either your knee is going to hold up or it's going to fall off like a leper. Don't leave us to this speculating business.

Heisman Watch:

1. Keyser Soze
2. Batman
3. Tyler Durden
4. That hot chick from American Pie.

Ha! Like you're winning the Heisman, Mark Ingram. Worst Heisman race I can remember. Can they just not give one out this year?

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Paul Wulff, Washington State
2. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Virginia Tech's Tech Triumph

Sorta sounds like something they played near the beginning of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Babe of the Week:

Mia Lai

She probably gets lai-d a lot. Bada ching!

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!


GMoney said...

Just an awful season, indeed. There is absolutely nothing interesting in the entire nation right now college football-wise. I think you're on to something here. This season is The Thin Red Line.

JMC said...

sounds like a boring saturday - way to ruin my excitement for the week

Frigidevil said...

What do you mean where's the BCS chaos!? Just because ESPN isn't harping over the 'injustice' of the Big 12 not getting 3 teams into the BCS doesn't mean this year isn't ridiculous. Have you not noticed how far we are into the season with 7 UNBEATEN TEAMS!!!! We are more than halfway to BCS Armageddon, which could end with as many as 6 unbeatens. Here's how nightmare scenario would play out (and force playoffs to be imminent)
1. Florida/Bama wins the SEC outright
2.Texas wins out for Big 12
3.Cincy wins out for the Big East
4.Iowa wins out the Big 10
5.Boise wins out the WAC
6. TCU wins out the MWC

Now I think the best way to create chaos is if Bama, Florida and Texas all lose out, because if there is a matchup of 1 or more 1-loss teams over 4 other undefeateds, including 2 BCS teams, you know shit's gonna hit the fan. And when shit hits the fan, people start talking, and maybe just maybe we can have a playoff.

Just because ESPN doesn't have a raging Teboner doesn't mean its a bad season. If you didn't switch around today you missed a ridiculous day of football. Oh and the game people actually called as a potential upset, yet you didn't even MENTION ended up being epic even though it was on the big 10 network (Iowa vs MSU)

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