Friday, October 09, 2009

Pre-Gaming: Cupcake anyone?

The script is so simple for the top teams in the preseason rankings: play an entire bakery full of cupcakes before conference play, squeak out some close wins, maybe lose a close game on the road, win some more games, win the conference championship, go to National Championship.

That's basically it for Florida and Texas this year. Charleston Southern, Troy, Florida International, Louisiana Monroe, UTEP, Central Florida all have something in common: they're from the South. (AND THEY ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE!)

These games were scheduled years ago, well before Florida and Texas knew they'd be the unanimous 1-2 in every poll, which makes it that much worse. Preparing for a championship years out by feasting on the weak.

Then you have Oklahoma, who scheduled tough games against BYU and Miami, and it led to an already-disappointing season.

And it's this kind of shit that only reinforces the notion that teams like Florida and Texas should play high-school talent until they get to conference play. After the smooth sailing, the strength of their respective conferences can carry them to college-football bliss in early January.

It's hard to blame the schedule makers because, hey, it's working! Florida and Texas will be meeting Jan. 7 in Pasadena unless Tim Tebow becomes a leper and Colt McCoy gets Mono.

So, instead, let's blame Urban Meyer and Mack Brown. I don't like you and I have no good reason for it. I don't care. Jerks.

And now Florida will play another football team with actual players and coaches and uniforms. And they'll probably do what Florida does and beat them soundly. Florida is a VERY good team. But it would be fun to see the Gators play four or five of these marquee games rather than one or two.

How will the rest of Saturday's big games turn out?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not hang out with your girlfriend. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."

Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If spending precious time with the girlfriend will help the relationship, go for it...but it better be worth it. Like really worth it. Otherwise, watch these games."

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. YouTube doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Champions are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.

No. 1 Florida at No. 4 LSU, 8 p.m., CBS: Some fun facts about Florida QB John Brantley:

Major: Humanities and Letters (what???)
Astrological sign: Pisces
Awards: 2006 Gatorade Player of the Year
Career starts: 0
Favorite food: Kung Pao chicken, Fruit by the Foot
Favorite Music: Tupac, OutKast, 'Lil Bow Wow
Favorite TV Shows: The Hills, Disaster Date, College Football Live
Favorite Quote: "Fuck it, let's play football" - John Brantley

Florida 30, LSU 12.

No. 3 Alabama at No. 20 Mississippi, 3:30 p.m., CBS
: Have you ever been to Alabama or Mississippi? I have not. Can't say that Jackson is a tourist trap. But it's like a whole different world down there, from what I hear. I bet the nightlife in Mobile is to fucking die for. Alabama 21, Mississippi 10.

Wisconsin at No. 9 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m., ABC:
Wisconsin has got to be the most boring team to ever be 5-0. The Badgers are also the most boring team to ever wear the color red. They are the most boring team to score over 28 points in all of their games. They are the most boring team to ever play on a 100-yard field. They are the most boring team to put their pants on one leg at a time. They are the most boring team to give 110 percent. They are the most boring team to give it their all. They are the most boring team to go out there and execute. They are the most boring team [enter football cliché here].

I have a feeling that this game is going to be very entertaining. Ohio State 28, Wisconsin 19.

Michigan at No. 12 Iowa, 8 p.m., ABC: So Iowa plays real well against the better teams (Penn State) and plays down to the lesser teams (Arkansas State). So the real question: Why is Rich Rodriguez such a fucking asshole? Iowa 17, Michigan 14.

No. 22 Georgia Tech at Florida State, 8 p.m., ESPN2.

Georgia at Tennessee, 12:20 p.m., Gameplan. Dear ESPN, I don't like the Big 10 and nobody else does either. I would rather watch Georgia play Tennessee than Purdue play Minnesota. Thank you! Sincerely, Everybody. Georgia 24, Tennessee 16.

Stanford at Oregon State, 7 p.m., Versus? FSN?
Baylor at No. 19 Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m., ABC.
Boston College at No. 5 Virginia Tech, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:


1 bottle champagne

1 bottle orange juice

Fill a champagne flute 3/4 full. Top with orange juice. Stir.

It's not only a brunch drink. Try it with grapefruit juice instead of orange to knock your socks off. Or spike it with some vodka and you have a Screwmosa. Let's not forget that champagne is the drink of royalty. And the carbonation helps you get drunk faster. Learned that in an Alcohol Awareness seminar.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oiAo"ƒj@4n˚l∑jg´h ˚hgk≈zlkop*6jh∫lj (Give 110 percent).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Auburn (-2.5) over Arkansas
. The Razorbacks gave up 51 points to Georgia. The same Georgia team that scored a 23 combined points in its two losses.

Look for undefeated Auburn to keep that offense rolling.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 2-3

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Toby Gerhart, RB, Stanford

Enough of you and your boyish good looks. Play somebody with a defensive line and we'll talk.

Heisman Watch:

1. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
2. Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati
3. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
4. Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

We welcome Irish QB Jimmy Clausen to the Heisman discussion with fists raised and cocked...nobody likes you, Jimmy. Just wanted you to know that.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State
3. Lane Kiffin, Tennessee
4. Dan Hawkins, Colorado
5. Bobby Bowden, Florida State

Fight Song that makes me want to be in a marching band:

Oklahoma's Boomer Sooner

Great name, good trumpeting, yet a little Revolutionary-War-esque.

Babe of the Week:

Laura Michelle Prestin

Well, hello there.

Full gallery here. (Sorta, not really safe for work).

College football, tailgates and girls. What could be better?!


GMoney said...

Well, looky there, thanks for the link! I do despise Clausen's spiky hair and pompous facial expressions.

Why should Florida schedule anyone OOC, when they don't need to and will get enough BCS love just from winning the conference?

Bokolis said...

That fight song makes me want to fire a RPG at the Sooner schooner...but, I must say that, if I went to OU, I'd probably dig the shit out of it.

SEC RULES!!! said...

Ole Miss is located in Oxford, Mississippi (not Jackson).

The University of Alabama is in Tuscaloosa and plays some of their home games in Birmingham - not Mobile.

Don't they teach geography in the good ole L.A. based Pac 10?

The Big Picture said...

i know where those schools are, SEC. i was just referring to the "big" cities in those respective states.

Pay per head sportsbook said...

I really like that kind of games when you have to be in the game the whole time to avoid missing your cupcake