Wednesday, February 25, 2009

There's beauty in a public restroom

I love public bathrooms. Really. They're among my best friends. A public bathroom is like Bert to my butt's Ernie.

I'll shit in a bathroom in a

-movie theater
-dentist office
-doctor office
-theme park

Let's go back to the airport. I LOVE shitting in an airport john. Just about every time I fly, I make stew in the airport first. I'll even shit if I'm not flying, but rather picking someone up. I'll look for a reason to shit at an airport. I'll take a fucking laxative if I have to!

This embrace of public restrooms, of course, comes back to the fact that I have poophobia -- the fear of poop. And even more so, the fear of shitting while others (namely women) know that I'm doing that.

I still can't shit while my girlfriend (who doubles as a roommate) is home. Even if I just casually slip in the bathroom while she's watching America's Best Dance Crew or some other TV show that makes me want to hang myself with an extension cord, I'll have that fear that either she'll knock on the door or come in or ask what I'm doing.

Me: I'm, ugh, taking a shower.
Her: The water's not on.
Me: I'm combing my hair.
Her: For 25 minutes?
Me: Yes.
Her: Um, all right.

Because of this, I'll often hold in a shit until I'm out of the house. And that often means a public place. I've become so comfortable shitting in what many would consider the worst of conditions because I can do it anonymously. And, frankly, that's what we should all have while taking a dump: anonymity. I value that psychological comfort over physical comfort tenfold.

You, too, Married Man or Domestic Partner can find pleasure in the public restroom. It might be dirty, there might be someone else's fudge already in the toilet and you might catch herpes from the toilet seat. But, jeez, you'll be able to shit in peace. At the end of the day, that's all we can really ask for.


GMoney said...

I disagree though. That is YOUR home. You pay to shit in that toilet.

JMC said...

you and I are such polar opposites. I hate shitting in public. Hate it. I go out of my way to make sure I have privacy, and that means being at home. I don't care if my gf knows, we freakin live together, some things just aren't a secret any more.

Anonymous said...

Are you freakin' kidding me? You are such a pussy! You can't drop a deuce with your girlfriend your own house? hahahahhahaha...fag!

Anonymous said...

I don't care where I am...there is nothing more enjoyable than dropping a big load somewhere. My favorite spot is the work bathroom....especially because I work third shift...I can do my handy work...leave a nice smelling bathroom for all the production workers who stroll in at 5:00 am and use the office bathroom. I love the looks on their face.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Big Picture. I don't want to know my GF craps and don't need her to know about mine. Some guys are like hey deal with it, it's nature. But I'll bail for the nearby grocery store if I need to. It's not being a pussy, it's keeping her not grossed out be. Hard enough as is haha