Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Letters of Intent, fallen into the wrong hands


Happy National Signing Day, dick weasels! It's like Christmas morning, only with undeveloped, pimply-faced high school kids valued with stars instead of shiny new toys. We fucking love shiny shit.

We got our hands on some Letters of Intent and deleted the names for privacy purposes. Wouldn't want to, you know, get sued. Anyway, these are neat. College! Letters! Hooray!!!!

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Dear Mr. Bowden,

I am pleased to announce my intent to attend Florida State University and to play football for your fine program. Unfortunately, sometime during my redshirt season, I plan to be arrested for doing drugs, getting in a fight, or sleeping with an underage girl in my dorm room. I'll also likely be put on academic probation, because, let me tell you, it's pretty hard to concentrate on your studies while your high, getting head from a high school senior and fighting with her boyfriend. At that point you'll probably have to kick me off the team. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you on campus!

Warm regards,

Top Recruit

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Dear Mr. Paterno,

I do not intend to attend your university. Frankly, I'd like to play for a coach who I don't fear will die before I graduate. Good luck!

Best wishes,

Top Recruit

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Dear Athletic Director,

I am pleased to announce my intent to attend your university and play for your football team. Unless of course you fire your coach, don't get funding for your new locker room complex, or if I don't start soon enough.

Fondly,

Top Recruit

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Dear Coach,

I really enjoyed my recruiting visit, but the blow just wasn't pure enough for my taste, and one of the chicks you lined up for me refused to suck my dick after it had been in her friend's ass. What's up with that? Good luck getting top recruits with that attitude.

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Dear Notre Dame,

Some university you have here! Lots of religious white people. I like that! And Charlie Weis is a nice man. I didn't get any other offers, so I'd like to give you my intent to join your team.

Psalms 19,

Top Recruit, #41

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So there you have it. Pretty interesting stuff there. As for us, we would only have one thing to say if we were writing a letter of intent:
To whom it may concern,

We, the writers of The Big Picture, hereby declare our intent to not get caught.

1 comment:

GMoney said...

Nice M&M's coat, dumbass.