Jim Caple still remembers the little guys

ESPN.com senior writer Jim Caple (of Page 2 fame) hung out with us last night. Sorta.

Caple, a University of Washington alum, and former writer and editor at the same college paper we worked for, came to campus and talked to some aspiring sports writers Monday night in the intimacy of The Daily newsroom.

He had all sorts of great anecdotes and was nice enough to answer all of our questions for over an hour.

Some of the highlights:

-Caple told a great locker room story from when Shaq was with the Orlando Magic. A bunch of reporters were waiting to talk to the 7-foot-1 O'Neil as he got dressed after a game. But before he finished putting on his clothes, 5-foot NY Times writer Selena Roberts got too close to Shaq and as he turned around, he slapped Miller's face with his penis. Shaq fucking cock-slapped this poor reporter!

-We asked Caple about the sinking ship that is Page 2 and he sort of dodged the question. Go figure. But we also mentioned new Page 2-hire Jemele Hill and Caple didn't seem to know what we were talking about. Shows how smoothly information flows over at ESPN.

-He said "clusterfuck."

-Caple holds a Hall of Fame vote and said, as of now, he'd certainly vote in Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.

-We also asked Caple about his "Back to School" columns that ran during the 2005 NCAA Tournament, where he went to different schools -- like Michigan State, pictured above -- and lived like a college student. He said he drank more beer during that span than he did in college. Oh, and he says he's never playing beer pong again.

-Caple is not a reader of blogs, but does like the writing of Jayson Stark.

-He has never met Bill Simmons.

-Caple, married, reminded us just how high the divorce rate is among sportswriters.

It was a fun evening and he was a pleasure to talk to on such a small, personal level. If only he can hold Page 2 together.

Update: There's speculation that Caple's story about Shaq cockslapping a NY Times reporter is more of an urban legend than fact. Though we did leave out what we didn't see as critical to the story, but perhaps is.

Shaq, in the story, was standing on a ledge to get up to his locker (or something like that). By standing on the ledge, it supposedly put the short reporter at scrotum height.

Again, Caple told us this story, it was funny and he certainly didn't pass it off as just a myth, though maybe it is.

It's Halloween!

The San Diego Chargers cheerleaders, courtesy of The Hater Nation

One of our favorite days of the year. As kids, we could never sleep the night before Halloween. We got to dress up, have a school parade and trick or treat until we dropped. All until we were 18!

But the grown-up version of Halloween is still great. Rather than getting candy and sugary treats, we get beer and other liquor-filled drinks. People still dress up in fun costumes -- like ghosts and goblins -- but now the girls go as hookers, sluts, call girls, mistresses, Paris Hilton, whores, escorts, tramps, strippers and madams.

We're not complaining.

But we've always liked to think we're more creative than that. We want to have a good costume for the festivities this year and we're here for you too!

If you don't have your award-winning, panty-dropping costume yet, allow us to help. Here are some ideas for costumes for that sports fan out there.

- Barbaro
-A fan that "can't bear to watch." (Wear a losing team -- say the Detroit Lions -- shirt and simply put a paper bag over your head. Optional: write something on it like, "Just Shoot Me.")
-Randy Moss
-Fred Smoot (though costume requires you go around with a lady friend -- who will undoubtedly be dressed like a tramp -- and carry a double-headed sex toy as an accessory).
-Scott Spiezio's red soul patch
-Clinton Portis or Coach Janky Spanky
-Steve Bartman
-Stuart Scott (glass eye not included)
-The Chicago Bears (costume simply requires you wear a crown. That's it. Because "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass).
-Chuck Amato
-Dennis Green
-Chad Johnson

Us? Well, we're thinking going as Barry Bonds. The costume is simple, really. We were just going to slap on our Giants hat, wear a t-shirt, and draw a large asterisk on it. We'll do our best to get some photos, but no promises.

Good costume? Great. Send it our way and we'll try to put it up on the site.

Be safe out there, folks. Happy Halloween!

In other news: New England beat the Minnesota 31-7 because the new-look Vikings couldn't get their sea legs.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're running a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Denny is fucked!

Last week, Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green had a Queen Level ranking, after losing to the lowly, yet up-and-coming Oakland Raiders.

This week, Green and the Cards were no better. Arizona lost 31-14 to Green Bay and in consecutive weeks, the disgraceful Cardinals have made the Raiders and Packers look like the fucking '85 bears and '72 Dolphins, respectively.

Really, what's left for the lame duck coach? He's got to be fired any day now. But until he is, we can't give him the King Level ranking. But last week Green got the Queen level and his survival took a ruptured-spleen size hit with his latest loss.

So what's Green's survival rating? We'll give him the Queen Level ranking again, with a nudge closer to being unemployed. But there's not much more room to go, as firing Green at this point is nothing more than a formality.

Grand Theft Auto: Seattle

We briefly mentioned this on our other site, but don't think we realized the magnitude and downright thuggery of this until now.

As first reported by the wonderful Wizard of Odds, University of Washington running back Michael Houston -- he's a transfer from Texas, go figure -- got in some legal trouble a few nights ago. We'll let the Wiz explain:

"Michael Houston, a transfer from Texas, was arrested on suspicion of auto theft. Specifically, a cab. According to police, Houston, two other men and a woman were picked up by an Orange Cab at a Deja Vu strip club. As the cabbie drove them to a McDonald's, the woman allegedly spit on a window. When the cabbie stopped the vehicle, got out and called 911 on his cell phone, it is alleged that Houston jumped from the back seat to the front and drove away. "

Houston was of course arrested and has been suspended by Coach Willingham, who doesn't preach auto theft, strip clubs or McDonald's.

Pretty great stuff though. And in our backyard makes it even better! So this is what a guy does when he's sitting out the year because of transfer rules. Go to a strip club, likely drink some drank, and steal a fucking taxi. Beats doing homework.

As for why the cabbie called 911 after the women in the car spit, that's unknown. Seems like he jumped the gun, no?

For anyone who's played Grand Theft Auto, well, let's just call Michael Houston our new Carl Johnson. Like the car? Just take it.

But next time Michael, bring some strippers with you.

Hating Fox Sports Part 6: Scooter

If you've been able to stomach Fox's MLB telecasts over the last few years you've probably had the misfortune of seeing "Scooter," Fox's attempt to make their game broadcasts more appealing, and apparently informative, to kids. According to Wikipedia, Scooter was designed "to explain different types of pitches with the education of children in mind." As is the case with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, the guys behind MLB on Fox apparently don't know a bad thing when they find it. Despite quite a few negative reactions to Scooter, Fox has kept him around.

If you've never seen Scooter, consider yourself lucky. He looks something like this, although apparently pictures of him don't exist on the internet. He whooshes on screen and in an annoying voice butchers explanations of different types of pitches. He typically says something like "a curveball is a ball that curves on its way to the plate." Enlightening.

Last night Scooter made what we believe to be his first appearance of the 2006 postseason, and his schtick was taken to a new low. This time they had Jeff Suppan's head floating on the screen next to Scooter, and in an irritating, condescending tone of voice, Suppan explained that a change-up is a fastball that goes really really slow. Of course, if it goes slowly, it's not a fastball at all, is it? This explanation is insulting. If they're trying to educate children they should have said that a change-up is a pitch that looks like a fastball, but is much slower, so it fools the hitter. They could have demonstrated the various grips used to throw changeups, or shown footage of pitchers with really good ones (e.g. Johan Santana). Instead they probably went to an extra commercial break so we could have the pleasure of hearing "Our Country" for the 12,000th time of the night.

They might as well just change to name from "The World Series on Fox" to "The World's Largest Crappy Baseball Broadcasting Party."

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here here, here, here and here, as well as here, here, and here.

In other news: Much to our chagrin, the "great fans" in St. Louis are continuing to imitate this.

"The World's Largest..."

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Cole Leinart is a bastard. Really.

Photo credit: Deadspin

As first reported by The Big Lead, (well, we first saw the story there anyway. But those guys do such bang-up work that perhaps they were the first to break the story.), Matt Leinart is the proud new father of a baby boy.

Remarkably, Young Matthew's child is with his college sweetheart and USC basketball player Nick Young Brynn Cameron, and not his boo-boo, Paris Hilton.

Now we can't blame Matthew too much. When a guy hears "women's basketball player," the first reaction is naturally this. But Cameron is no Rebecca Lobo. She's pretty damn hot and you know the kid, Cole, will have just about every advantage in the world.

As for Hilton, well, fuck her (not literally, though Leinart took it that way). She's too skinny, annoying and looks like she's overly dependent on heroin. We'd go with Cameron over her in a heartbeat.

This, after all, is probably a joyous day for the Leinart and Cameron families. Leinart has a son who he can turn into a future star -- a career that will likely go through USC. He'll be like the Archie Manning of this era.

Cole was born out of wedlock and it seems that Leinart and Cameron have no intention to get married. But perhaps they should. Not like being in a relationship has stopped Matthew from getting groovy with other ladies before.

But a big day for Leinart, Cameron and Trojans fans. There are all sorts of high-fives and man-hugs taking place over on the USC campus right now.

Barbaro ain't goin' out like that

So this is strange.

A possible case of equine herpes at Monmouth Park has led New Jersey sports officials to ban the shipment of thoroughbred horses out of the state.

Perhaps the horses were doing a bit too much beastiality or just cuddled up near Nicole Richie.

This seems sort of reminiscent of the movie "Outbreak." But for horses. If these things are quarantined, what will all the bettors do?

Don't let our little headline fool you: Barbaro's just fine. He's not the type to fuck around with herpes. Babs knows better than that.

Sure, it'd be likely that a huge pimp like Barbaro, who's hung like, well, a thoroughbred, could contract herpes because he gets so much horse pussy. But Babs is smarter than that. He picks and chooses the fillies he "associates" himself with, and we know that Barbaro is a smart fucking horse.

If a broken leg can't keep Barbaro down, equine herpes can't either.

(Giant hat-tip to With Leather for the story).

This father is taking football a bit too seriously

Next up for Derkotch is terrorizing little kids.
Via the awesome blog, I Dislike Your Favorite Team, comes a tale of a parent who is far too "involved" with his son's football team.

Upset over his son's lack of playing time, irate father Wayne Derkotch, 40, pulled a gun on his son's football coach.

But the story gets better: Derkotch's son plays on a team for 6 and 7-year-olds! Holy fucking bukkake!

This man is absolutely Tom Cruise-crazy! Pulling a gun because a fucking 6-year-old isn't getting enough playing time is beyond absurd. It's beyond crazy. It's beyond sane.

But this man did it. Wayne Derkotch, pat yourself on the back. You're about to win Father of the Year.

And of course this happened in Philadelphia. This same guy probably put a gun to Terrell Owens' head and made him pop a bunch of pills.

In other news: St. Louis beat Detroit 5-0 in Game 3 of the World Series Tuesday despite Chris Carpenter smearing dog shit all over his hand.

The Dennis Green Survival Rating

We're starting a new feature here at The Big Picture, called the Dennis Green Survival Rating. Because Green's chair is so ass-burning hot, we thought we'd take a weekly look at how Green is surviving as coach of the Arizona Cardinals.

Much like EDSBS's Chuck Amato Survival Meter, the Dennis Green Survival Rating will analyze just how screwed Green is by comparing him to royalty. Why royalty? Because, "if you want to crown 'em, crown their ass." When Green reaches the "King" level, he's as good as fired.

Today Green gets a Queen Level ranking. After a 22-9 loss to the Raiders, Arizona is 1-6, losers of 6 straight, and in last place in the NFC West.

Green is like Queen Elizabeth in the year 1600. She died three years later, so her reign was nearing its end. Green, while he may not die, is nearing his end of power as well.

If the embarrassing loss to the Raiders isn't the last straw, the end is near.

In other NFL news: Drew Bledsoe was benched in Dallas' 36-22 loss to New York after coach Bill Parcells brought in not Tony Romo, but Tony Roma.

"Our Country" would be better without you, John Mellencamp

Mellencamp, right, has awfully buff lady friends

We guarantee you've seen the commercial. You know, the one for some truck company (probably Chevy) and in the background we're enlightened by the musical overtures of John Mellencamp telling us all about our fucking country.

But Sunday, those at Comerica Park in Detroit, as well as anyone tuned in to the Fox telecast, got to see Mellencamp live in action as he sang his hit new song before Game 2 of the World Series.

There are just all sorts of thoughts swirling through our heads.

-Why was John fucking Mellencamp (and where the hell did John Cougar go?) singing to a Detroit crowd? Mellencamp is from Indiana, and while those on either the East or West Coasts seem to collapse all of the midwestern cities and states as one in the same, we're intelligent enough to know that Detroit is not in Indiana.

-And couldn't the folks at Comerica just put up that commercial on the jumbo-tron or something. That commercial must be aired about 68 times per sportscast. Over the weekend, we probably heard the song "Our Country" more times than Mellencamp has sex partners. We could probably recite the trite, clichéd lyrics from memory. Though we still couldn't be 100% sure what the commercial is actually for. Proves how effective advertising is.

-But of all the people to sing a song at the World Series, John Mellencamp? And "Our Country?" If he would have instead busted out "Wild Night," we probably wouldn't be ragging on Mellencamp today.

Though don't think Fox can escape the ridicule either. Loyal Big Picture readers know how much we hate Fox, and we somehow think that those at Fox headquarters were behind getting Mellencamp to sing. Kinda the same way we blamed ESPN's Stuart Scott for showing a rap video at halftime of Monday Night Football.

And hey, "From the East Coast, to the West Coast," John Mellencamp can go suck a dick.

In other World Series news: Detroit beat St. Louis 3-1 Sunday after the Tigers' Kenny Rogers knocked out a camera man to pump him up before his start.

Your Pac-10 Coaches (South Park style)

The smart kids can fight too

Overshadowed by the melee in South Florida Saturday, (which we've touched on plenty this week; here, here and sorta here) was another college football brawl.

The smart kids over at Dartmouth and Holy Cross (we think they're smart over at Holy Cross. Certainly brighter than the kids over at The U) had a little scuffle of their own this past weekend, as there was some pushing, shoving, and helmet swinging name-calling. It was soooo bad, that Dartmouth apologized for the brawl.

We don't have video or details of what was actually said, but we can imagine that Dartmouth made some cracks about Holy Cross not having a graduate program and the Crusaders likely ragged on Dartmouth for being located in New Hampshire.

And an interesting side note, the Dartmouth head coach is Buddy Teevens, you know, the former Stanford coach. We'd say it's a shame to see Teevens go from a Pac-10 school to an Ivy League one, but the way Stanford's been playing, perhaps it's a good thing he got out when he did.

Oh, and if you didn't know, Dartmouth is nicknamed the Big Green. Ricky Williams is probably a fan.

(Edit: so we jumped to the conclusions above: there is video!)

So that's the formula for winning in October

Remember a few weeks ago when the Tigers blew their AL Central lead and ended up settling for the Wild Card? Remember a few weeks ago when the Cardinals lost 26 in a row and barely held off the Astros to win the NL Central?

Well, people in Detroit and St. Louis probably don't give a hoot-flying fuck about it anymore.

Apparently the new formula for reaching the World Series is sucking it up so fucking bad in the last week of the season that you get a "gut-check," and "turn it around" in the playoffs.

(We're pretty excited about landing two clichés in one action-packed sentence, by the way. And if you don't know what a cliché is, we highlighted them for you in quotes, you silly bastards.)

There should be nothing surprising about a Wild Card team making the World Series, though. We're in full accordance with the thinking that having to earn a post-season berth late equates to October success. The Marlins did it (twice), the Angels (fuck, shit, fuck!) did it, the Red Sox did it and there could be some others who also did it, but we're at work and way too lazy to actually look it up.

Get hot, win the Wild Card, win the World Series. Basic formula. And we've bought into it.

But we aren't really buying into the idea of sucking more than Jenna Jameson, back-dooring (zing!) into the playoffs and then making the Series.

So how to explain the Tigers and Cards? (If you think we're going to say "destiny" here, you couldn't be "further off the mark" -- catch the clichés?! Butt-slaps if you did).

No, not destiny, faithful readers.

Lots and lots of steroid-laced Marlboros. But probably just coincidence. Or luck. Fine, it was probably fate or playoff gods. Or even destiny.

Yeah, that must be it.

Punter could face 48 years in Federal "pound-me-in-the-ass prison"

Remember a while back when we, and by we, we really mean regular contributor JMC, wrote about how the backup punter at Northern Colorado stabbed the starting punter in the leg?

If you do, great. If you don't, go fuck yourself no worries. Well, this punter, Mitch Cozad, could serve up to 48 years in prison if convicted of the attempted first-degree murder charge.

Pretty harsh stuff. We're not sure how stabbing a guy in the leg is attempting to kill him, but hey, the law's the law.

But maybe Cozad has some problems. After all, he was the backup punter at a D-II school. That gets you as much pussy as an Engineering major. He was probably pent up and wanted to let people know that he was the real deal; that he was part of the team.

As far as sports and violence goes, this really isn't all that bad. This guy's no Rae Carruth, Ray Lewis, or Maurice Clarett. But going at a guy, let alone his fucking teammate, with a knife is kinda severe. Yeah, and now he may have severe walking problems after his first prison shower.

This guy's probably related to Danny Almonte

The life of a normal 14-year-old is usually pretty pathetic. It's that awkward age when you start getting hair on your nuts chin, your voice starts sounding more like Barry White's and you get stuffed into a locker for the first time. Adolescence, it seems, is the running theme here.

Dwayne Polee Jr., a freshman, is just a tad ahead of his Westchester High School buddies then. Polee, 14 and 6-6, has a beard that looks like this and probably doesn't fit in to too many lockers.

He's also made a verbal commitment to play for the USC basketball team. Either Tim Floyd, the Trojans coach, is fucking insane, or this kid has got more game than Jesus Shuttlesworth.

Either way, Polee Jr. is 14. Fourteen! We've compiled a small list of things he, being a 14-year-old, has probably never done:

- Truly enjoyed the beauty of a new Mach 3 razor.
- Attended an R-rated movie without his parents
- Driven a car
- Driven a car when he really shouldn't have (you know, like after completing an Edward 40-hands episode -- cause he probably doesn't even know of "Edward Scissorhands" or of the malted greatness of a $1.99 Olde English 40.)
- Shit blood
- Tapped a keg
- Smoked pot
- Sold pot
- Blown chunks in the middle of a Taco Bell
- "Giggiddy, giggiddy!"
- With a straight face, told a stripper his name is Solomon.
- Siphoned gas from a Federal Officer's car
- Been in a "compromising situation"
- Shared a laugh with some Hooters waitresses
- Read "Hamlet"
- Eaten soup from a bread bowl

That's what we weren't doing when we were 14, anyway. Then again, we also weren't making verbal commitments before playing even one high school game. We're gonna go ahead and say Tim Floyd's a fucking lunatic.

As for the kid in the photo, well, we haven't a clue who he is. But when we typed in "14-year old kid" in to Google Images, this is what we got. Hell, for all we know, this is what our boy Dwayne Polee Jr really looks like: spiky hair, too much gel, and, of course, braces. Ah, braces. The staple of any 14-year old’s physical appearance.

And please add to our list by blowing up the comments section much like the way Dennis Green blew up just a few precious days ago.

Thursday Morning Roundup

Some thoughts from a wild Wednesday in the sporting world:

The U only cares about one thing...
Winning. As opposed to say, integrity or discipline. You see, in the wake of the now infamous brawl, Miami suspended 13 players for a total of, get this, 13 games. Now we aren't math majors but we can infer that each player got a one-game suspension. To their credit, Anthony Reddick, who used his helmet like a sledgehammer, had his punishment changed to an indefinite suspension. Still, this shit is pretty lenient, and shows that the 'Canes care much more about winning than they do about having a program deserving of respect. And let's not forget that this week they play Duke, who they could probably beat playing blindfolded with one hand tied behind their backs. FIU on the other hand kicked two players off the team and gave 16 others indefinite suspensions, plus they are required to attend anger management classes and do community service.

Joe Buck still sucks...
Our favorite play-by-play man was back behind the mic for the NLCS game 6 in New York last night, and as usual, made the game virtually unwatchable. Our favorite moment came as the Mets recorded the final out sending the series to a decisive seventh game. His call, which was something along the lines of "chopper to the right side, Valentin throws to first and this series is going to game 7," totally sucked. Note the lack of expressive punctuation at the end of that sentence. No exclamation point, no words in bold or italics. That's because, if we didn't know better, we would have thought ol' daddy's boy was calling the last out of the third inning of a spring training Royals-Rockies game. We'd think about getting excited for the upcoming fall classic, but the thought of Buck calling every game makes us nauseous.

Because you can't take it with you...
Now you can take your favorite MLB team to the grave. Or to be more accurate, your favorite team can take you to the grave. In a somewhat frightening case of what Uni Watch would call "logo creep," you can now be buried in a coffin complete with your team's logo, officially licensed and all. No word on what the price will be yet, but, given MLB's love of taking you for every penny they can get, let's assume they'll be pricey. Because it wasn't bad enough that you died from an ulcer you got watching your team lose in the playoffs, you can now be constantly reminded of it for all eternity.

"Crown their ass!"

We're looking to "crown" a post-game tirade champion. Compare, contrast and make it happen in the comments section.

We'll leave our own biases out of this.


Dennis "THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE" Green:



Jim "PLAYOFFS?!" Mora:



Jim "WE COUDLN'T DO DIDDLY POO" Mora:

(No video, but check out the audio here).

Herm "YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME" Edwards:

Some call them cheerleaders, we'll call them sluts...but in a good way

Aren't college girls great!? Last year, the University of Louisville cheerleaders had fun during Halloween. Rather than dressing up as your traditional witch, ghost or vampire, these fine ladies decided to go out on Halloween as hookers.

Fortunately, they weren't charging for sex, but the way they were dressed, perhaps they should have. The Cardinals cheer squad said they dressed up as the Victoria's Secret angles, though we just think they were call girls with wings.

But this is a prime example of why both Halloween and college are so wonderful. Girls dress in as little as possible and it's the one night of the year they basically just have a sign on their chest that says: "I want to get drunk and have meaningless sex."

And we want to be there when they say that...though not in Louisville, Ky. We'd prefer LA, Miami or Phoenix. But the women in Seattle do seem to come out of the woods on Halloween and look like, well, angels.

A big tip of the cap to the fine gentlemen over at The M Zone for this.

Norv Turner Update: Yep, still employed by the 49ers. We're not sure why either.

Go Ned!

Who's Ned, you ask? Well, who isn't Ned?

Ned is the infamous FIU player on crutches seen during Saturday's melee with The U. Ned, unfortunately, is not his first name. He's A'Mod Ned. He's a running back. And he likes to use crutches as a weapon.

And here are some fantastic photos of him.

In other news: Green Bay Packers wide receiver Koren Robinson was suspended for the entire season for taking body shots off of Roger Goodell's wife.