It's hard work being Tim McCarver

Being a catcher is hard work, man. Gotta be able to hit a nasty slider, handle a similar nasty slider and play at your best in the toughest situations.

For former catcher Tim McCarver, that was the easy part. Trying to broadcast a World Series is much more difficult.

Veteran Fox analyst Tim McCarver used to be a catcher. But, he suggests, his mike presents more challenges than foul tips. "It's a lot tougher to announce a World Series that it is to play in one," he says. "Playing in it, you can do something about it."

It's also tough work when you're not very smart. And, hey, forming complete sentences with verbs and nouns and adjectives is challenging for any grown up.

Not quoted in the story: Joe Buck.

[USA Today via Ben Maller]

Act now and you too can avoid listening to Joe Buck

Last October I wrote about all the possible ways you could watch the World Series without having to listen to the awful Fox announcers. This may sound easy, but of course the problem is that the sound from the radio is often 3-4 seconds ahead of the TV signal, so it makes it pretty annoying to simply mute the TV and listen to the radio. So I looked at the various ways you could delay the radio signal to match it up with the TV. One of the most affordable options was the SportSync radio.

Well, I am proud to announce that I am now the lucky owner of a SportSync radio. I put it on my Amazon wish list, and good ol' Mom got it for me for my birthday. I have tested its delaying capabilities and I am happy to say that it totally works. I can now watch a Giants game and listen to Jon Miller calling it on the radio, and they are perfectly in sync! Needless to say I am more than excited to use this genius invention during the playoffs and World Series.

Sadly I have no idea how long this thing takes to ship once you order it, but I strongly urge all of you Joe Buck haters to order one RIGHT NOW. You will not be disappointed.

FOX is killing the already-terrible BCS

A riddle:

How can you make the BCS any worse?
Are Verne Lundquist, Mike Patrick and Ron Franklin calling the games?
Then you can't.

We've had enough of FOX's coverage of these so-so BCS games that seem to becoming less interesting every year. Not only are the matchups not that enticing, but we have FOX -- which covered zero college football games all year -- sucking the life out of the games with drab announcers, bad camera shots and no passion.

SI.com's Stewart Mandel -- are you reading Stewart Mandel yet? We've basically been doing free advertising for the guy the last few months! -- wrote that the installment of the fifth BCS game is killing TV ratings.

BCS officials can't be pleased with these early returns. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the addition of a fifth BCS bowl can officially be declared an abject failure.

Seven of the nine lowest-rated games of the BCS era have now taken place over the past three seasons. That coincides with the beginning of the current cycle in which the BCS added a fifth game and turned the national championship game into a stand-alone event.

It also happens to coincide with the BCS' contract with FOX. Coincidence?

Sorry, but we can't take a broadcast team of Matt Vasgersian and Tim Ryan seriously. And by "we," we mean anyone with two ears and a passion for college football.

BCS out of Joe Buck's hands???

According to this report, ESPN is the top bidder to take over the BCS television rights when the current deal with Fox runs out after next season. If they get the deal, we won't have to suffer through Joe Buck ruining another championship.

PLEASE, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, come true!!!!

IRONY!

The Taco Bell owner is British. That seems backwards.

(Yeah, we saw that hard-hitting interview by Chris Myers in the bottom of the sixth, too. Great work, FOX!)

Please God anything but Joe Buck

If you're like us, and I suspect you are, you probably can't stand the fact that the World Series, year after year, is broadcast on FOX, meaning you have to listen to the drivel from Joe Buck and Tim McCarver for 4-7 games. On the other hand, you probably really appreciate the professional, enthusiastic, and knowledgeable Jon Miller, calling the game for ESPN radio. Yes, Joe Morgan is the color guy, and we all know he can say some stupid shit, but there's one thing we can agree on: Miller and Morgan are FAR better than Buck and McCarver.

So like us, you've probably tried to turn off the sound on your TV and listen to the game on the radio. The problem? The TV feed is almost always 3-4 seconds or more behind the radio feed. So they're not in sync and you hear the play before you see it and it sucks. So we've gone ahead and done some googling to see what we can find in the way of a solution. We found several options for products you can use to delay the audio feed so it matches with the TV.

First up: RTS-200C RADIOTVSYNC^TM STEREO AUDIO DELAY WITH REMOTE. This is a serious piece of audio equipment that goes for $189.95. Then you probably have to add on shipping costs, and of course it won't get to you in time for the game tonight, so screw it. But for next year, maybe.

Second: SPORTSYNC, the AM/FM radio with Sports Audio Delay. This appears to basically be a walkman with a delay feature. It can plug into the stereo and is a much more affordable $39.95. It appears this is also not available in stores, so you'll have to wait.

Third: Radio SHARK 2: This appears to be like a TiVo for your radio. $49.99 and you have to order it. Seems like not a great option.

Next: Radiodelay from Daan Systems. This looks like a decent piece of free software that allows you to plug a radio into the microphone port of your computer, and then delay the audio to match it with the TV. Sadly it only works with PCs and I'm running Mac, but if anyone out there tries it let us know how it works. This could be the answer.

Finally: Use the TiVo. This link explains how to set you TiVo or other DVR to pause the game, then sync it to the MLB Gameday Audio broadcast of the game. Of course, you have to subscribe to MLB Gameday Audio to do this. Sounds a little like a pain in the ass. But it's also only $4.95 to get all the World Series games. I don't have a DVR at home, so this won't work for me...

So what am I to do? I'm not gonna spend money and wait for the SportSync. I don't have TiVo, and I'm not running a PC. Time to get creative. As a speech therapist I have some odd stuff including this Delayed Auditory Feedback device, check it out. Now, I'll have to wait till I get home tonight to find out, but I think I have the right cords and cables and I'm pretty sure this will do the trick. I plug the radio into the microphone port on the DAF, run a cable from the headphone jack of the DAF to my stereo, adjust the delay, and voila, I'm good to go!

One final note - from what I've read it appears some people have the opposite problem - the radio being behind the TV. Well if you have TiVo that's fixed easily enough (pause the TV for a second, unpause when they're synced), and if not, shit you're on your own.

A FOX producer was either in a marching band or plugged up a band member with a clarinet

Our friends at Awful Announcing told you all about how ridiculous FOX's coverage of the Orange Bowl was last week. According to AA, FOX cameras found a band member from either team 110 times, which is about 108 times too many.

Things weren't much better for Monday's National Championship. Those fucking bands were on TV more than the teams. We didn't count the shots, but it was probably about two hundred thousand. Bloody hell.

American Pie told you all the goodies that happen at band camp, so we were crossing our fingers we'd get a shot of a trumpet player getting sodomized with a trombone or a shot of the sultry saxophonist getting a facial from the drum line.

Meanwhile, after about 900 looks at the Ohio State band, we've fully decided they are dressed more appropriately for war than for football. They look like the French fucking army. Those berets are a combination of hideous and horrendous.

But hey, Thom Brennaman was fucking great. The same enthusiasm you'd hear for a preseason game. Thanks, Thom.

Joe Buck is exciting

Find more videos at BurlySports.com

Burly Sports comes up with this great video of what certain historic sporting events might sound like if they're dusted with the monotone of Joe Buck.

Buck, a personal favorite or ours, never quite learned the use of voice inflexion. But monotone is good. As is cauliflower, BET and high cholesterol.

CFB coverage > NFL coverage

Saturday:

9:01 PST: Wake up. With wood.
9:05: Get out of bed.
9:07: Get in shower.
11:42 9:29: Get out of shower. (It's a running joke with family and friends. We take really fucking long showers. And we don't even give ourselves a tug. Honest.)
9:31: Start watching Nebraska vs. Wake Forest.
9:32: Realize Bill Callahan is probably a bigot.
9:32 and 27 seconds: Switch channel to Miami vs. Oklahoma.
9:33: Decide that The U is more successful when undisciplined.
9:35: Morning wood starting to go away.
9:36: Switch to Marshall vs. West Fuckin Virgina. Enjoy a close game. (For a while, anyway).
10:05: Eat some french toast. With fucking cinnamon and nutmeg in the batter. French toast batter without cinnamon and nutmeg is like getting head with a fucking rubber on.
11:01: Leave for UW pre-game (or pre-funk, pre-party, pre-fiesta, pre-dag-nasty).
11:04: Ask if someone had taken a piss in our Bud Light can. (They said no, "But we have Coors instead." We held back a smug comment).
11:06: Continue watching multiple football games.
12:03: Get to Husky Stadium. Watch Huskies beat Boise State.
4:06: Leave Husky Stadium, go to work.
5:01: Arrive one minute late to work.
5:01 and 10 seconds: Turn on Penn State vs. Notre Dame.
5:03: Realize that Notre Dame is bad, Jimmy Clausen will soon be the butt of herpes jokes, and Charlie Weis would be fucking raw at sumo wrestling.
5:05: Change to Georgia vs. South Carolina. Watch for a while. Enjoy good, SEC football.
5:25: Check in on Texas vs. TCU. Blow out. Too much "Don't mess with Texas" bullshit.
5:26: Do some work...complain about it.
6:01: Tune in to beginning of LSU vs. VA Tech. Avoid making tasteless joke.
6:15: Start watching Auburn vs. South Florida.
7:31: Oh, Arizona State vs. Colorado is on FSN?! Fuck yeah.
7:33: What the fuck is Versus? Didn't that used to be OLN? Whatever. This Versus shit is showing Wisconsin vs. UNLV. Booyah!
7:41: In unison with coworker, blogger and college football homie, say, "College football is fucking awesome!"
11:14: Leave work late. (Don't ask). Arizona State game is still on. Blowout, but who fucking cares at this point? College football was on for over 12 hours!
11:21: Get home from work. Take care of late-night wood.

Sunday:

10:01 PST: Wake up.
10:03: Start watching Green Bay vs. Philly.
10:04: Realize that watching an NFC game is like watching paint dry or water boil or something else that's incredibly fucking boring.
10:05: Change channel to Denver vs. Buffalo. Root on Marshawn Lynch like a motherfucker. (He's our fantasy stud).
10:20: Look for third TV game. No luck.
10:22: Turn on our Slingbox -- fucking awesome invention! -- which tunes in to our Bay Area TV.
10:23: Notice the Bay Area is seeing the same two games.
10:24: Say fuck.
11:06: Start jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas when Lynch scores.
12:55: With roommate, try to decide if Shannon Sharpe sounds like he has a ball gag in his mouth or just has an abnormally large tongue. Decide on ball gag.
1:10: Afternoon games begin.
1:11: FOX has local coverage. Seahawks vs. Tampa. See 10:04 comment.
1:15: Check CBS. Tennis. Fuck.
1:16: Check Slingbox. Oh good, Raiders vs. Lions.
1:17: Start tying noose.
1:18: Consider sending an email to FOX saying, "There are three afternoon games. Through the wonders of technology, we are watching two of them. We are not seeing Chicago vs. San Diego. Will you please consider throwing yourself in to the middle of the freeway? Thanks! Sincerely, The Big Picture.
1:21: Say fuck again.
4:02: Masturbate thinking about NFL Sunday Ticket.
4:15-midnight: Do some other shit that's none of your motherfucking business.

Hating Fox Sports Part 6: Scooter

If you've been able to stomach Fox's MLB telecasts over the last few years you've probably had the misfortune of seeing "Scooter," Fox's attempt to make their game broadcasts more appealing, and apparently informative, to kids. According to Wikipedia, Scooter was designed "to explain different types of pitches with the education of children in mind." As is the case with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, the guys behind MLB on Fox apparently don't know a bad thing when they find it. Despite quite a few negative reactions to Scooter, Fox has kept him around.

If you've never seen Scooter, consider yourself lucky. He looks something like this, although apparently pictures of him don't exist on the internet. He whooshes on screen and in an annoying voice butchers explanations of different types of pitches. He typically says something like "a curveball is a ball that curves on its way to the plate." Enlightening.

Last night Scooter made what we believe to be his first appearance of the 2006 postseason, and his schtick was taken to a new low. This time they had Jeff Suppan's head floating on the screen next to Scooter, and in an irritating, condescending tone of voice, Suppan explained that a change-up is a fastball that goes really really slow. Of course, if it goes slowly, it's not a fastball at all, is it? This explanation is insulting. If they're trying to educate children they should have said that a change-up is a pitch that looks like a fastball, but is much slower, so it fools the hitter. They could have demonstrated the various grips used to throw changeups, or shown footage of pitchers with really good ones (e.g. Johan Santana). Instead they probably went to an extra commercial break so we could have the pleasure of hearing "Our Country" for the 12,000th time of the night.

They might as well just change to name from "The World Series on Fox" to "The World's Largest Crappy Baseball Broadcasting Party."

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here here, here, here and here, as well as here, here, and here.

In other news: Much to our chagrin, the "great fans" in St. Louis are continuing to imitate this.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 5: NASCAR

Take your Ford Taurus, pull it out of the driveway, take it around the corner, and speed -- say 45 MPH in a 25 MPH-zone -- and you have NASCAR in a nutshell.

It's one thing that NASCAR is boring as hell. C'mon, cars spend a couple of hours driving in a fucking circle while backwoods hicks look on and pass the time by flirting with their sister. NASCAR is one of those things that cater to the type of people who own guns and bang their siblings. Just gross.

And Fox, out of all stations, broadcasts this event. (NASCAR is by no means a sport). The races are seldom exciting and the stars, such as Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., are nearly as hick-like as the folks who are watching them go in circles. Apparently the commentators of this monstrosity are none too good either. Monkey Outta Nowhere had this to say about Fox's coverage:

"They were full of hick sayings, bad metaphors, and just plain poor coverage."

NASCAR is an unsophisticated, unintelligent, gun-bearing social gathering. And Fox is right there to bring it to your living room. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Don't get too dizzy.


Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here, here and here.


In other news: American skier Bode Miller was disqualified from the Alpine combined Tuesday for straddling Michelle Kwan.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 4: Joe Buck

Let's face it: Joseph Buck is a daddy's boy. His father, longtime great commentator, Jack, was legendary. And son, Joseph, is anything but.

Craig Barker, commenting on bravesbeat.com, suggested that Joseph, "Will sell anything Fox tells him to sell. He'll promote anything. He's a pathetic corporate 'yes' man riding his no talent ass on his father's coattails."

That seems just about right. He resembles a puppet (or one of those dudes from "Team America") and seems to be a puppet for Fox Sports as well.

We've ripped on good ol' Joe pretty good here at The Big Picture. We've compared him to a brick wall, stuffed animal and an asshole. Stating the obvious, he's all of the above.

It's not so much that Joseph says stupid things from time to time. I can look past that. It's how he calls the game. He can make the most exciting game, play or moment as dull as his love life. For example, after the Chicago White Sox won their first World Series in 300 years, he said something monumental and profound like, "And the White Sox have won the World Series" in a monotone voice that public speaking teachers will tell you to never, ever use.

It's safe to say that if ESPN's Mike Patrick (one of my favorites) was calling that game, he may have had a fucking heart attack in pure jubilation and excitement. There's nothing exciting about Joseph.

Football is no better. Hearing him call a playoff game is agonizing. Buck's ignorance, and gift for making things boring, makes his partner in crime (and perhaps in bed), Troy Aikman, sound far better than he actually is.

According to Wikipedia, an online encyclopedia, Joseph has won numerous Sports Emmy Awards, which apparently get handed out to anybody who has access to a microphone.

Joseph is bad for sports, bad for fans and bad for society. The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and prefers that you take no part in calling anything that people actually plan to watch.

Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here and here.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 3: Best Damn Sports Show, Period

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the numbers are in, and it turns out that Fox's Best Damn Sports Show, Period is not actually the best damn sports show period.

It's not even close.

There are many sports shows that trump Fox's late-night, sports disaster. Officials have said that ABC's Sports Night -- a fictional show about a sports TV station, which lasted for about 27 minutes -- was far better than the Sixth or Seventh Best Damn Sports Show, Semicolon.

"We really blew it with that one," admitted tyrannosaurus rex, Rupert Murdoch. "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking putting those douche bags on air."

The "douche bags" Murdoch spoke of were hosts Chris Rose, John Salley, Rodney Peete and Rob Dibble.

Chris Rose, like most Fox-style broadcasters, adds as much to the program as a stuffed animal. John Salley, aside from being good at being very tall, isn't very good at anything. Rob Dibble is more 'roided than the Bay Area and Rodney Peete is more washed up than a bar of soap.

The show originally featured Tom Arnold as the host. Turns out that Arnold knew about as much about sports as Arnold Schwarzenegger does about governing. Ironically, Arnold's best performance was as Gov. Schwarzenegger's sidekick in the movie True Lies.

Hot chick Lisa Guerrero was on the show for a brief time and occasionally makes guest appearances. She's really the only good thing about the show. Because she's knowledgeable and contributes to the discussion? Of course not. It's because she's way hot.

Fortunately for sports fans of all ages, this catastrophe airs at 10:30 p.m., so most people should either be asleep or getting hammered at a local bar instead of watching Fox Sports Net.

Because, after all, we hate Fox Sports and everything about it.

In other news: USC's Reggie Bush has announced he will run for president while George W. Bush has said he will turn pro.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 2: Terry Bradshaw

Terry Bradshaw, former Steelers' QB and now one of Fox's NFL analysts, is much like an attic. The light rarely works and everything is covered in dust. The same can be said for Mr. Bradshaw's brain.

Bradshaw brings the word "stupid" to a much lower level than normal. On game days, he sits in the studio with some guys, like James Brown and Howie Long, who are actually literate and somewhat articulate. Terry isn't either. He's loud and obnoxious, which for him, is probably a compliment.

Bradshaw is a good example of Fox putting anybody who played professional sports on TV. (Much like Fox's baseball analyst, Tim McCarver). One can speculate that Bradshaw took too many big hits (on the field and off the bong) to be able to form complete sentences now.

Living on the West Coast, I'm fortunate to wake up late enough so that I only have to put up with Bradshaw's antics during halftime, when he tells me how shitty my fantasy players are doing.

Not only is it clear to everybody who watches him that his IQ is equivalent to a chalk board, but he even admits his lack of intelligence.

“I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid," he famously said.

Hate to break it to ya buddy, but you're both.

In other news: Manny Ramirez says he's staying in Boston and has made arrangements to star in the movie, "Identity 2: I still can't find it."

Hating Fox Sports, Part 1: Tim McCarver

They don't get much worse than Old Man McCarver. The former major league catcher turned TV analyst turned moron, has been calling the last few World Series, which is far too many to be calling.


He teams up with Joe Buck to put together one of the most boring fucking broadcasts known to man. McCarver has nothing insightful to say about the game and appears to get dumber by the pitch.

His bio on his website says:

McCarver’s broadcast career started with the Philadelphia Phillies, almost immediately after his retirement as a player, but it wasn't long before his talents were recognized by NBC and WOR, the superstation home of the New York Mets. Within two years, McCarver was doing double duty as the network's Game of the Week baseball analyst and WOR's everyday analyst of the New York Mets, becoming a mainstay in All-Star and World Series broadcasts.

The fact that somebody had the fucking audacity to say "talent" and "Tim McCarver" in the same breath makes puking sound like the only option.

Years ago, when calling the Atlanta vs. Cleveland World Series, Old Man McCarver said, "Marquis Grissom was born the 14th of 15th children. He bats second in the Braves lineup, a spot known as the table setter. That's ironic because I'm sure he was setting the table quite a bit as a child."

And this past year, McCarver had his nose so far up A.J. Pierzynski's ass during the playoffs that A.J. considered defecating on his face. Unfortunately for all of us, A.J. reluctantly held it in.

Old Man McCarver has won three national Emmy Awards as "Best Sportscaster/Analyst," which makes one wonder who the fuck is voting.

McCarver, with the help of Buck, has made the World Series virtually impossible to listen to on television. (Thankfully, Jon Miller has the call on the radio). The ratings for the playoffs suck nearly as much as Old Man McCarver.

Tim, The Big Picture certainly does not salute you and considers you to have a lower IQ than a crayon.

Norv Turner update: 7:03 a.m. PST and our boy is still in as the Raiders' coach.

In other news: Bengals' QB Carson Palmer has signed a 6-year contract extension with an option for a guest appearance as President Palmer on "24."