On the flip side, there are broadcast teams that are the fucking Mozart of the college game. They bring knowledge, insight and excitement to any game. Who are these wonderful, wonderful human beings? Glad you asked.
1. Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, Tracy "The Wolf" Wolfson, CBS.
Doesn't hurt that this team gets a solid SEC game each week, but by golly, they could make Vanderbilt at Mississippi State sound like the most important game in college football since the Taft administration.
Lundquist calls it beautifully, Danielson gives accurate, no-nonense insight and The Wolf looks good while giving you insightful updates like Tim Tebow is an effective football player.
2. Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, ESPN.
I would pay for Ron Franklin to read me Goodnight Moon. He's soothing, sophisticated and a wonderful story teller. Goodnight Moon fucking rules.
3. Mike Patrick, Craig James, Heather Cox.
I'm a big Mike Patrick fan. He gets really excited when there's a two-yard run on 1st and 10, but so be it. Call him the opposite of Buck, I'd take Patrick any day.
4. Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge, Erin Andrews.
Nessler and Blackledge are fine in the booth and Andrews gives sideline reports that give adolescent boys boners in 100 words or less.
5. Chris Fowler, Craig James, Jesse Palmer, Erin Andrews.
Fowler's pretty good. Wasn't Jesse Palmer on The Bachelor? That show is fucking rigged.
What broadcasts will you be watching Saturday?
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 9 Miami at No. 11 Virginia Tech, 3:30 p.m., ABC: It's probably a good thing that a four-bunny ACC game no longer involves Wake Forest and Clemson. When the conference stole from the Big East, these are the kind of match ups they had in mind.
While on the topic of Wake Forest, did you know Riley Skinner's still in school? He's been there since Tim Duncan was a fucking sophomore! Graduate already! This isn't Van Wilder! Miami 27, Virginia Tech 19.
Texas Tech at No. 17 Houston, 9:15 p.m., ESPN 2: D-fense. D-fense. D-fense.. Texas Tech 427, Houston 426.
Arkansas at No. 3 Alabama, 3:30 p.m., CBS: Holy shit the sundresses are gonna be good. Nothing like hot, southern girls in skimpy sundresses on a college football Saturday. The South is an amazing place. Alabama 42, Arkansas 28.
Iowa at No. 5 Penn State, 8 p.m., ABC: Can't the Big 10 just simulate the rest of the season so they can fast forward to getting their ass kicked by USC in the Rose Bowl? An early season game between Iowa and Penn State will engage about six people who know what an ocean looks like. Penn State 20, Iowa 13.
Fresno State at No. 14 Cincinnati, 12 p.m., Gameplan.
Arizona State at No. 21 Georgia, 7 p.m., ESPNU: The percentage of unattractive girls between the ages of 18-30 at this game is going to be -2%. Georgia 34, Arizona State 24.
Notre Dame at Purdue, 8 p.m., ESPN.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
Tucker Death Mix
750 ml Everclear
32 oz Gatorade (lemon lime)
2 cans Red Bull
Pour all ingredients into a jug, and serve into highball glasses. Or drink out of a Camelbak.
A Tucker-Max original, this will convince you that even Duke can win. (And it'll probably make you throw up on a police officer.)
Helmet Sticker of the Week:
Give a dawg a bone...
Hot Student Section of the Week:
They grow 'em big in Florida. The lineman. Yes, the offensive linemen in Florida are big.
(Photos via Poon of the SEC).
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"i¬9ƒul∑r7~" (Don't go out there and think, just play).
It's Safer than Crack:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
USC (-45) over Washington State. Fuck this, I'm picking against Washington State every week.
2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-2
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Rob Gronkowski, TE, Arizona
OUT FOR THE SEASON?!?! Did I call your mother a whore? Why do this to me? You and LaDainian Tomlinson can go eat a pile of shit together.
1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
If Harris lights up a good Va Tech defense, let's just give him the award right now.
Coach whose ass is burning:
1. Al Groh, Virginia. It's only a matter of time, right? Right?!
2. Paul Wulff, Washington State. Maybe you aren't doing well because your last name's spelled all sorts of wrong.
Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:
Ohio State's Fight the Team
A little too peppy, but classic nonetheless. Cool name.
Babe of the Week:
Yowzers! Sand is the best form of bikini.
Full gallery here. Thank me later.
College football, booze and girls. What could be better?! Week 4: get reckless!