Friday, September 04, 2009
Advice for Pacman as he heads north
The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.
So the Winnipeg Blue Bombers have a new defensive back in one Adam “Pacman” Jones. Now Adam is a Georgia native who went to college at West Virginia. It snows on occasion in West “Fuckin” Virginia and in Morgantown, in specific. But this is “The Great White North” and the province that brought us Monty Hall. With that in mind, here are a few quick tips for Adam.
1. Winnipeg is located in Manitoba which is one of Canada’s 13 provinces.
2. The Canadian equivalent of the dollar is called a loonie and is a coin. You cannot “Make it Rain” with coins.
3. When people in Winnipeg refer to the “Jets”, they will not make any reference to Ken O’Brien.
4. DO NOT BADMOUTH WAYNE GRETZKY!!!
5. Yes, that is curling on TV.
6. Canadians are generally a friendly people but making fun of hockey is not advised.
7. Canadians also play rugby quite a bit. If you thought Hines Ward hit hard, try getting in a scrum.
8. The man with the loud suits on CBC at 8:00EST on Saturdays during hockey season is not, I repeat not, Howard Cosell or Craig Sager.
9. Make sure you have many warm coats/anoraks.
10. The head of the Canadian government is Prime Minister Steven Harper.
11. DO NOT BADMOUTH JOHN CANDY!!!
12. Canadian beer is stronger than beer “in the States.”
13. There are three downs in the CFL.
14. The field is 150 yards long and 65 yards wide.
15. The Grey Cup, much like its hockey counterpart the Stanley Cup, is larger and weighty. Should you and the Blue Bombers win one, make sure to lift with your knees.
Bonne chance, Monsieur Jones. While you are in Winnipeg, please remember that you are representing the United States to a small extent. As someone who likes Canada quite a bit, I would appreciate it if I didn’t hear that you and Link Gaetz are having a boxing match.