Friday, September 18, 2009

Pre-gaming: Moving, 'Revenge,' and Aggie Punch

Moving fucking grinds my gears. Boxes, packing tape and storage really suck.

I had to move this week. It fucking grinded my gears. I already said that. Fuck you. I moved this week. And you didn't.

Carrying a 40-inch TV by yourself? Not fun. Having to move a sofa bed down three flights of stairs? I'd rather be covered in paper cuts and then go swim in the ocean. Trying to fit a queen-sized bed in a car? I will toss salad before doing that again.


Just when you think you're done -- the boxes are all out. Hooray! -- you're scrubbing the walls, dusting the shit out of the window blinds and cleaning the motherfucking fridge. You know how gross my fridge was? My girlfriend spilled Gatorade in there and then kept the contents of an entire farm in there for like three months. LETTUCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BLACK!

Then, after you've become a professional cleaner, you expect to get your hefty deposit back. Oh? You still have to hire a cleaning service? FUCK YOU WITH HEDGE CLIPPERS.

So the moral of the story? Watch college football this weekend. (And don't ever leave your home.)

Who will be moving and shaking this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means:
"It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Game on. All times Eastern.

None. Fuck this.

No. 19 Nebraska at No. 13 Virginia Tech, 3:30, ABC.

Hard-nosed, defensive-oriented, grind it out...all euphemisms for BORING FUCKING FOOTBALL. If the Beamer Ballers can score two TDs, they'll probably win. Virginia Tech 14, Nebraska 13.

No. 18 Utah at Oregon, 3:30, ESPN.

Don't sleep on Oregon. Bad showing in Boise, but this Oregon team is loaded with talent. Now that they're unranked, be weary of those mighty Ducks. Oregon 38, Utah 35.

Texas Tech at No. 2 Texas, 8 p.m., ABC.

Taylor Potts could throw for 821 yards and the Red Raiders would still lose by two touchdowns.

"Texas has one word in mind: Revenge." (Guarantee that's Brent Musburger's open!) Texas 42, Texas Tech 28. (Potts throws for 821 yards in the loss).

No. 17 Cincinnati at Oregon State, 6:45 p.m., TV?

Big, big week for the Pac-10. The Quizz show is going to be televised in Big East country. Oregon State 24, Cincinnati 21.

Florida State at No. 7 BYU, 7 p.m., TV?

Tennessee at No. 1 Florida, 12:3o p.m., CBS.

Florida's going to run up the score in this one. Lane Kiffin's gonna start watching what he says in the offseason. Florida 54, Tennessee 26.

No. 23 Georgia at Arkansas, 7:45 p.m., ESPN.

Michigan State at Notre Dame, 3:30 p.m., NBC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Aggie Punch

2 shots Gold tequila (Cuervo)
1 splash Lime juice
6 oz Apple-cranberry juice

Combine ingredients and stir. Best served over ice and in a clear glass.

In honor of Texas A&M, UC Davis and any other Aggies out there, this one's for you.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:

Florida State

Ah, the Tomahawk. A bit cliché at this point, but a nice subtlety on the helmet. Very good, FSU. Now about that 19-9 win over Jacksonville State...

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Wisconsin Badgers

The girl on the right looks like Elisha Cuthbert in a "I'm 19, shaved and just blew a Sigma Chi in the bathroom kind of way."

(Photo via Big 10 Poon).

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"oqa˚π∑q119Pkn!#&" (Win the battle in the trenches).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Southern Miss (-15) over Virginia
. UVA is this year's Washington State. Until the 'Hoos can beat William & Mary, I'm picking against them.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-1

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

USC Defense

The only thing that matters in this league is scoring. Points allowed, turnovers forced, sacks...they don't mean shit. You can shutout a team, force 26 turnovers and sack the QB 418 times and you still won't get any points. But give up 63 points, force no turnovers and don't even once hurry the quarterback, yet score two TDs, you have the Defense of the Motherfucking Year.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

20-25, 270 yards, 3 TD. Against the 14th-ranked team. Until Tebow and McCoy start playing real universities, this Harris thing might have legs.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Al Groh, Virginia. This isn't going well at all. Let the students wear the shirt and tie. The sea of orange isn't working.
2. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. This "internship" is nearing it's end.
3. Bobby Bowden, Florida State. Five days of golf a week might start sounding good for the 79-year-old Bowden.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Notre Dame's Victory March

South Bend would prefer to be hearing this a little more often.

Babe of the Week:

Carin Ashley

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Full gallery here. I would love to be that robe.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Make Week 3 your bitch.


JMC said...

shit. You're gonna pick against my wahoos every week and every week they're gonna prove you right. shit. This is terrible. I think I'm glad I live 3000 miles away and can't go to any games.

those Wisco girls are hotter than I was expecting.

Alex said...

FINALLY! A BABE instead of lamo sports!

Anonymous said...


Steve from Topeka said...

Can you at least pick a DD fav that isnt trailing until the 4th qtr....S Miss is a fraud...When they couldnt cover -15 vs a lousy C. Fla team, that should have told you right there to staya way from them.