Welcome back, you sexy bitch of a college football season. I've missed you. Come here. Give Daddy a little kiss. No, not there...
Whew. College fucking football! Back. The beginning. This is the point of the year when we have the most college football available. Fan-fucking-tastic.
With college football infiltrating our homes once again, The Big Picture is your Pre-Gaming home every Friday through Bowl Season. (Though we're running it Thursday this week because there's a big fucking Northwest bukkake fest tonight!)
I did this for PlayboyU.com last season, however with Hef only splurging for Viagra and new tits for his girlfriends, The Big Picture is your exclusive home for Pre-Gaming. (Read: I'm not getting paid to write this anymore. Fuck! But at least I got a Cyber Club Pass out of the deal!) You'll notice the Playboy theme of the column, which will stay the same because college football fans also like tits. Hey, it was either Bunnies or helmet stickers, so you're welcome very much.
Welcome back if you've been here before, if not, welcome, and let's get this shit started right! Some fun Week 1 match ups that I'll dissect without real insight and rather with cock jokes and swear words. College football is back, baby! I'm excited. Are you?
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."
Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."
Two bunnies means: "It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."
One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."
Opening Week. FUCK and YES! All times Eastern.
No. 5 Alabama vs. No. 7 Virginia Tech, in Atlanta, 8 p.m., ABC
This will have the feel of a Sugar Bowl, except it's only September, the ACC doesn't often play in the Sugar Bowl and this game is being played in Atlanta.
Nonetheless, big-time feel from Week 1. Last year Alabama used Week 1 to make a statement by crushing another ACC foe, then No. 9 Clemson, while Va. Tech was shocked by East Carolina. Winner of this game is an instant National Championship contender. The loser? I have a feeling, if this game gets ugly, that they'll lose five games and fire some coordinators.
I couldn't tell you much about these teams except John Parker Wilson's ancestors probably were slave owners (and he's no longer at 'Bama) and the Hokies' Darren Evans has a boo-boo that a Band-Aid won't fix. It's going to be physical, rough and there will probably be 27 punts. BUT PRIMETIME BABY! Alabama 17, Virginia Tech 13.
No. 13 Georgia at No. 9 Oklahoma State, 3:30 p.m., ABC:
Remember when Georgia was the preseason No. 1 last year and they weren't very good because everyone thought Matthew Stafford was really good but he threw a five-yard slant about 40 yards down field? Yeah, last year didn't work out so well. But the last time the Bulldogs had to replace a strong starting backfield was 2005 and nobody thought UGA would be good and then they won the SEC, which you have to be good to do.
Stillwater will be rocking, but the SEC is knocking. (Fuck me sideways for writing that). Georgia 28, Oklahoma St. 24
No. 16 Oregon at No. 14 Boise State, Thursday, 10:15 p.m., ESPN:
Check it out: you can create your own Oregon uniform combination. That's pretty fun. You could play there for like five minutes. I liked the all white. The wings, though, are a big fucking mistake.
I once interviewed Broncos QB Kellen Moore when he was in high school. He was very polite but was a terrible quote. Oregon 42, Boise State 30.
No. 3 Oklahoma vs. No. 20 BYU, in Dallas, 7 p.m., ESPN.
Miami at No. 18 Florida State, Monday, 8 p.m., ABC:
This rivalry is missing a brawl. Like a big one. When FSU and The U meet I feel like it's all talk, but no follow through. Fuck that. Follow through. I'm certainly looking your way, Miami, to start this. Florida State 24, Miami 14.
No. 11 LSU at Washington, 10:15 p.m., ESPN.
This is probably the only time winless-in-'08 UW will be able to get in this column, so love for the Alma mater is necessary. Washington 274, LSU -6.
Colorado State at Colorado, Sunday, 7 p.m., No TV?. Shouldn't this rivalry have a name? Oh. It does. The Rocky Mountain Showdown? Yeah. That makes sense. Colorado 17, Colorado State 10.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
Gin and Tonic
2 oz. gin
5 oz tonic water
1 lime wedge
Helmet Sticker of the Week:
One of the classics, this helmet must look empty if you suck. If you look closely, the sticker sorta resembles a pot leaf. Coincidence? Ask Maurice Clarett.
Hot Student Section of the Week:
Will she be in Seattle, Saturday? It looks like she has some friends, too.
(Photo via Poon of the SEC)
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"ƒ©Axpo?&π,aQ" (Take the crowd out of the game).
It's Safer than Crack:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Nevada at Notre Dame (-14.5). Notre Dame, unfortunately, is going to be "back" this year which upsets just about anyone outside of South Bend and Catholicism. But the Irish should be good. Nevada not so much. The Wolfpack don't still have Nick Fazekas, do they?
2009 Bet It Hard Record: 0-0
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Pete Carroll, coach, USC
I play in a Pac-10-only fantasy league. I might as well burn a 10-dollar bill. But it gives me reason to root for Arizona State's kicker.
And now Carroll can't give me consistency at running back, so rather than draft a stud, I'm stuck with a second-stringer who will probably get hurt by the second quarter of Saturday's game.
Stop platooning, you fucking asshole.
1. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
2. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas
3. Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
These will be the only three guys that matter all year. This order will probably change on a weekly basis. Nod to Tebow because he's the best player on the best team. He still probably hasn't had sex.
Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:
USC's Tribute to Troy
Dun dun dun dun...
(Fight On, meanwhile, is for pussies and, seemingly, anytime USC runs an offensive play).
Babe of the Week:
Wow! That hands-over-the-boobs things is so hot and so frustrating at the same time. Just slide them down, darling. Your hips are nice to hold onto too.
Full gallery here. Tissues not included.
College football, booze and tits. What could be better! May all of your teams be National Championship contenders after Week 1. Enjoy the games!