Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Foul Ball Etiquette

It's not easy getting a foul ball. Some people go to hundreds of games and leave with nothing but a lighter wallet. If you're lucky enough to be in foul-ball range, here's some proper etiquette to make sure you don't get jumped in the parking lot.

6a. Put down your fucking beer if you're serious about getting a ball.

There are three beers in that picture, two of which will surely spill on someone who won't get the ball. Put the beer down, put on your glove and act like a professional.

6b. Bring a glove -- if you don't, get the fuck out of the way.

Like seriously, bring a glove. People will think you're a true fan and not some corporate schmuck who is giving downtown ballparks a bad name.

5. Don't steal the ball from the kid when the umpire tosses it in the stands.

That poor girl doesn't stand a chance at getting the ball. If you're making a leaping grab on an Albert Pujols liner, fine. But when the ump casually tosses the ball to the crowd in between innings, let the little kid have the glory. Baseball is for the kids, after all.

4. If you chase a ball down the aisle in section 406 during a day game at Dolphin Stadium, do not pat yourself on the back.

I could get a foul ball in the nosebleeds at Marlins game while simultaneously jerking off, online shopping and making a peanut butter sandwich. If you happen to get an easy one, sit right back down and enjoy the rest of the game.

3. If you make a good catch, don't jump up and down like an idiot; act like you've been there before.

You've brought your glove, are in position and then Matt Kemp rips one in your vicinity and you leap and get it! Great catch, dude, but you didn't help the home team win. Enjoy the applause as you happily sit down without making a scene.

2. When do you have to give the ball to a kid?

Tough question. Let's decipher this from a few angles:

If you're at the game with your kid:

ALWAYS give the ball to your kid. Wanna pay for years of therapy down the road? Fuck. No. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! Give it to your kid.

If you don't have kids, but there's a kid sitting close by:

1. Make a leaping one-handed grab? And it's your FIRST EVER?!?! It's yours. Keep it, frame it and send a text to your GF who won't give two fucks that you caught a foul ball.

2. The ball bounces off three people, rolls down the aisle and it accidentally lands in your hand? Your call. But karma says give it to the kid. If not, a flat tire's coming your way.

3. The ball bounces off the kid's glove right in front of you, rolls down the aisle and accidentally lands in your hand? No-brainer. Give it to the kid.

If it's Adults-Only Night and there is no kid anywhere in the stadium.

Doesn't matter the circumstances. Give it to your girlfriend. You might actually get laid.

1. Don't pull a Bartman.

If you reach into the field of play,

1. Leave the stadium immediately
2. Find the nearest train tracks
3. Wait
4. Keep waiting
5. Stare the train down
6. Move at the last minute.
7. (If a repeat offender) don't move at the last minute.

Any omissions in the comments, please.


Bazooka Jones said...

Catching the ball after ANY bounce, be it a bounce off another person, the ground or anything else, is the same as the rolling ball.

Unless that motherfucker hits a bird and falls into your hands, sit the fuck down with out holding it in the air, because you didn't earn it.

And others in the stands... Please stop clapping for those jackasses, it only encourages them.

rstiles said...

I am 40-years-old and never caught a foul I could care less about some snotty nosed kid...

I look at it this way - I am 40-years-old and the kid may be 10-years-old...more than likely, he has more years to live than he has a better chance of getting a foul time is running out - SCREW YOU KID!!!

When did it become etiquette to give a ball to some kid you don't even know...maybe if his mom was super hot and she went down on me, then maybe I would consider it...otherwise, to hell with the kid...

GMoney said...

Are you fucking kidding me? Leave the glove at home, faggot. There is nothing more pathetic than going to a game and seeing ANYONE over the age of 12 with a glove on.

I was watching the Yankees/White Sox game two weeks ago and they kept showing John Turturro in the stands...WEARING A FIRST BASEMEN'S MITT. It was the saddest thing that I've ever seen.

Mr. Ace said...

Seriously, the gloves are reserved for children and pussies.

Bokolis said...

Agreed. Grown-ups should not bring a mitt to the park. Unless you're worried about your manicure, it's not that hard to catch a baseball bare-handed.

And, FUCK giving these kids the ball. What kind of pussy-whipped world is this that we can't teach a kid the value of earning/stealing/fighting for something?

Anyway, I used the one and only ball I got from game action- tossed a 10 year old out of the way (I was 17) to get it, too- in a game with my friends. Should that be in the rules, either way?

I'll add that, if you catch the t-shirt launch (somwhow, I've caught 4, including 2 at one game), you should give it to some kid...after you've checked for a prize.

HM said...

If a child is anywhere within 20 feet of you, you should give the kid the ball. WTF are you going to do with it? Seal it is plastic? Jack off to it at night? Unless you catch a key late-season or playoff home run (or a Bonds-record-breaking HR) you don't need a frigging baseball. I have had a number of girlfriends who loved watching baseball -- I can't imagine any of them wanting/keeping/displaying a baseball.

Simon said...

I think my buddies and I make fun of every single person above the age of 16 that we see in the stadium wearing a glove. Man up and use your bare hands.

JMC said...

I agree with Zach, bring your glove. I hate seeing someone have a ball clank off their bare hand because they didn't bring the mitt. But maybe that's just the SF culture - our announcers are always touting the glove-carrying folks.

rstiles said...

Screw these kids!!!...if its not your kid, why in the hell would you give this little creep the ball???...

John said...

I think half the challenge is using your hands! Yeah, and adults carrying gloves is pretty dorky. I believe it was Jerry Seinfeld who said "What do you think they're going to ask you to play?"

Also, I think if you're a fan of the opposing team and you can influence the outcome of the game--interfere all you want! If Steve Bartman was a Marlins fan he'd be a hero!

Frigidevil said...

Wow really, bringing a glove makes you look like a true fan? I think the correct word is pathetic child. And there's a much easier solution to this whole looking like a moron vs. ruining your chance and your palm at the same time, use your hat. No harm, no mitt to lug around everywhere, you can get a slightly longer reach, and best of all your dignity can remain intact.

Anonymous said...

Baseball sucks.

James said...

If someone wants to use a mitt, go right ahead. There are no age restrictions here.

But if you're going to go for it, you better catch it.

Anonymous said...

Why would I give a ball to a kid I have never seen before? My kid I could understand, not a total stranger.

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well I think that nowadays it is really difficult to find etiquette in sports and in life actually, it is a shame I think