Friday, September 11, 2009

Pre-Gaming: O U are fucked

If you root for Oregon (UO) or Oklahoma (OU) -- funny how acronyms work -- you've probably got reacquainted with your pal Jack Daniels and your other buddies Smith & Wesson this week.

Really about as shitty as an opening game can be. Which, though, was worse?

The case for Oregon: Loses one of its best players for the year (LeGarrette Blount), the offense looks average at best and "image" is now more of a concern than fixing the spread option.

The case for Oklahoma: Now has an uphill battle getting back to the BCS title game (will need to win out and probably get help) and isn't exactly sure how long Sam Bradford will be sidelined.

Also, very bad, were the weekends for Blount and Bradford. Bradford, a virtual lock to be the top pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, sees his elite draft status possibly in limbo and can kiss a second Heisman goodbye.

Blount now might not be running on Sundays and can kiss the 2009 season goodbye. But Blount does have one good thing going for him. Orson of EDSBS fame puts it best:
He’s as completely suspended as Byron Hout was completely bitchmade by Blount’s sucker punch. Unsportsmanlike? Oh, certainly. Dirty? Completely, yes, but shit, would you so much as step on Blount’s shadow without his permission now? Somewhere he and Ron Artest are walking through a suburban mall right now punching people in the face randomly and talking about how awesome smoothies are.
Smoothies are the fucking balls.

Whose season will get ruined this week?

Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:

Four bunnies means:
"Put the condom away. Tell the hottie that you're busy. Don't go dancing with Misty and her six hot, single friends. Grab a seat on the couch. Pull out some cold ones and nachos. Park your ass for three and a half hours and only pee at halftime."

Three bunnies means: "Misty and her six hot, single friends are welcome to come over and have some drinks, but going out is not yet an option. The couch is still your friend and give it the respect that it deserves."

Two bunnies means:
"It's snowing outside, there are no good movies in the theaters and you just got a new Flat Screen. Better put it to use."

One bunny means: "Yikes. You're scared of catching Swine Flu, you hate your dog and you burn easily on cloudy days. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours."

Let's do this! All times Eastern.

No. 3 USC at No. 8 Ohio State, 8 p.m., ESPN

The Big 10, year after year, pretends to have an elite team just for them to be exposed by better teams from better conferences when it counts. Look at Ohio State the last, shit, 10 years. The Big 10 has lost its last six Rose Bowls and hasn't won one in nine years. I would put money on a mid-tier SEC team dropping the best Big 10 squad at a neutral site.

So despite the Buckeyes being at home, despite Terrell Pryor being similar to Vince Young and despite Jim Tressel's sweater vest, there is no valid reason why anyone should think that Ohio State can win this game. USC 38, Ohio State 14.

None. Fuck.

No. 18 Notre Dame at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC:

I think that if somehow these teams were both equally embarrassed, at the same time, by each other, on the same day (tough task), the sun would shine brighter on Sunday. Notre Dame 28, Michigan 24.

UCLA at Tennessee, 4 p.m., ESPN.

Lane Kiffin's a douchebag. Rick Neuheisel's a douchebag. Something's gotta give. Tennessee 41, UCLA 30.

Stanford at Wake Forest, noon, Gameplan.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Fisting in a Mexican Prison

1 oz 1800 Tequila
2 oz cranberry juice
1 splash fresh lime juice

Shake the tequila, cranberry juice and the lime juice in a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes. Strain into a salt-rimmed cocktail glass with a lime wedge, and serve.

This awesomely-named drink doesn't look the part, but should be perfect for girlie-girls and UCLA fans. Drink these in honor of those sodomized.

Helmet Sticker of the Week:


These are new, yes? I can't decide if I like them or not but I don't think I do and I don't like Michigan. So fuck you, Rich Rodriguez.

Hot Student Section of the Week:

Clemson Tigers

South Carolina can fly any flag it likes as long as it has girls like this! (Not really, though. That's a pretty backwards state).

(Photo via ACC Poon)

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Jkl˚a&ˆ©p2a,lk1{?q" (The fourth quarter's ours).

It's Safer than Crack:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Army over Duke (pick)
. Duke couldn't beat it's fucking basketball team. Give me the Cadets Black Knights without points on the board.

Whoa, whoa. Who the fuck are the Black Knights? What happened to the Cadets? You can't just change your fucking mascot when you've been around since fucking 1802.

2009 Bet It Hard Record: 1-0

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

LeGarrette Blount, RB, Oregon

Think about the fantasy implications before you go off and get all assault-y, bro. This is the equivalent to Adrian Peterson tearing his ACL in Week 1 except if he was still in college and cold cocked a bitch.

Heisman Watch:

1. Jacory Harris, QB, Miami
2. Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
3. Colt McCoy, QB, Texas

Jacory Harris is going to win this award. He's the next Gino Torretta.

Coach whose ass is burning:

1. Greg Robinson, Syracuse. Greg Paulus won't save you, man.
2. Al Groh, Virginia. Love the crew-neck sweatshirt. Don't love losing to William & Mary.
3. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. Beat Michigan and people will stop talking about your job security and instead recollect your weight-loss surgery.

Fight Song that Gives Me a Slight Boner:

Florida's The Orange and the Blue

I'm getting really fucking sick of hearing this tune in BCS games. Someone take out Tebow's legs already.

Babe of the Week:

Nichole Jackson

Hi there, Nichole with an H. Nice to meet you. I like college football and sex. Do you wanna have sex and watch college football?

Full gallery here. Jergens recommended.

College football, booze and tits. What could be better?! Here's to some good games!


Anonymous said...

ehhhh the bitches were better las week. more bigger and better tits.

GMoney said...

Psst, Greg Robinson doesn't coach at the 'Cuse anymore. It's some Marrone guy.

Thoughts on Hawaii -2 @ Washington State. Conventional wisdom tells me to take the Rainbows.

rstiles said...

Michigan had helmet stickers back in the 70s...

BTW, what did the Washington Huskies finish last year?????

The Big Picture said...

Whoops. Guess robinson got the axe. Sloppy reporting. UW went 26-0 last year (there were 14 moral victories)

THN said...

Do not call them the Rainbows.

Gonzalesdbyf said...

Whoops. Guess robinson got the axe. Sloppy reporting. UW went 26-0 last year (there were 14 moral victories)