For fuck's sake, can I catch a break???

My fantasy team is fucking good. That's evident by all the points I score every week.

My fantasy team is unlucky. That's evident by my 4-7 record and four-straight losses.

The last three weeks:

Week 9: Lose by LESS THAN A FUCKING POINT!!
Week 10: Score nearly 90 points. Lose.
Week 11: Score over 80 points. Lose.

I am No. 3 in points in my league yet in seventh place. That sucks. Maybe that time I burned ants with a magnifying glass is finally coming back to haunt me.

Fuck this. Fantasy football is supposed to be fun. This isn't fun. Losing is not fun. Having Brandon Jacobs on your team is not fun.

And fucking Ricky Williams! Dude scores three TDs in a game for only the second time since 2000!

Meanwhile, our previous league leader is 8-3 and second to last in points. He must donate to UNICEF and sing at retirement homes.

This totally sucks, but not for me for a change

I seemed to have won by two yards. Yes, after LT's 100-yard night, I won by .01. That's fucked on all levels for the other guy who is an awesome dude and commenter on the site.

Of course, I thought I was losing by about three yards for the last eight minutes of the game when Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers did everything in their power not to give Tomlinson the ball. I was screaming at the TV and think I might've declared Rivers a racist.

But now Norv Turner is my favorite tackle football coach, Rivers is my favorite player and LT is a fantasy stud. Those things are all true except that they're not. But fantasy team is the best to ever play.

P.S. I totally scraped Zach

TBP Fantasy Smackdown

Well folks, the NFL season is finally upon us and as luck would have it Zach and myself, contributor JMC, are already matched up in our fantasy league for Week 1. Zach already whined about his team, and now we get to see the first team he'll lose to. Take a look at the matchup and make your predictions in the comments. Full disclosure: I had the 1st pick (and hence, the 20th), while Zach had the 5th and 16th, and so on.

The changing landscape of fantasy football

It was the late 90s (early 200s?) where the first round of most fantasy football drafts saw quarterback after quarterback go.

Then things switched the last few years, with the emphasis on running backs. Popular draft strategies in our leagues the last few years would take running backs with your top three picks.

Now things have changed again because NFL coaches want to do everything possible to fuck you in a fantasy league. Oh, you're going to get Donald Brown involved? Fantastic. Fuck you with a lead a pipe.

And, maybe it's just us, but there aren't as many really good players as there used to be. Marshall Faulk, Priest Holmes, Daunte Culpepper...these guys were STUDS! Now we have decent NFL players elevated to elite fantasy status because they're in the right system. Matt Forte is not that good of a player. Neither is Chris Johnson.

Now, because of the shared backfields and lack of great talent, you have the top receivers going in the first round of some drafts. Seems weird drafting a guy who theoretically could go a full game without touching the ball. And everyone says to avoid QBs in the early rounds, maybe because there is such depth. But Matt Schaub is not going to win you much of anything.

Fuck all of this. WE HATE OUR TEAM. IT IS FUCKING TERRIBLE. (We'd masturbate to our bench, though! Beanie Wells, Michael Jenkins, Matt Schaub, Donald Brown, Steve Smith NYG and Glen Coffee). We should've drafted a kicker, defense and tight end with our first three picks. Instead you can figure out what we did by looking at the above graphic.

How'd we do? Marshall Faulk wasn't eligible to pick. Bummer.

Why your fantasy team sucks

My fantasy team sucks. This isn't going to be a "My Fantasy Team Sucks" post. But my fantasy team fucking sucks. I just picked up Joel Hanrahan because he got a save Saturday and I feel like he might be the difference in me being a bad team and being a mediocre team. My team is that fucking dreadful right now that picking up Joel Hanrahan is warping my mind. I also fear dropping Andy Pettitte because Joel Hanrahan has warped my mind thinking that Andy Pettitte is still a good pitcher.

In the main three fantasy sports, you often have these moments -- much like picking up Joel Hanrahan and feeling good about it -- where you realize down the road that your team is just terrible. Like you can't believe that a knowledgeable sports fan like yourself could possibly draft and manage a team that is this bad. You've hit rock bottom and have become desperate.

To help us all rationalize with a good laugh, here's a list of desperate moves and characteristics of shitty fantasy teams that will put in perspective just how bad your fantasy team really is.

Fantasy Baseball:

-Having a middle reliever in one of your RP slots
-Carrying Tim Wakefield's catcher
-Juan Pierre
-Having an N/A on your roster in hopes he'll help you out later on. (Ed. note: I had Barry Bonds all of last season).
-Trying to trade for Manny Ramirez despite a lengthy suspension. Hey, bargain shopping!
-Juan Pierre
-Having more than one Washington National on your team (Ed. note: I have two).
-Drafting and refusing to drop Mark Prior thinking this is finally the year he gets back to his 2003 form.

Fantasy Football:

-Starting a QB on a bye because Brian Griese would get you negative points
-Playing a second tight end in your TE/WR slot
-Starting a fullback in one of your RB slots
-Drafting Brett Favre this season as a late-round steal
-Carrying two kickers or two defenses
-Thinking this is the year that Denver won't platoon running backs

Fantasy Basketball:

-Starting a backup center who gets blocks; Theo Ratliff was born for this.
-Having a FT% specialist
-For head-to-head leagues: Benching Kobe late in the week to try to win the Turnovers category.

Your characteristics of a shitty fantasy team in the comments, please.

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Zach Wins! Zach Wins! Zaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaach Wins!

Ladies and Gentlemen you heard it here first, Zach's fantasy football team finally won! After a brutal 0-4 start he finally broke through with a victory this week. Never mind the fact that his team scored a modest 67.77 points and that the team he played managed only 34.57. He won!

Zach will spend the day sending thank you cards to LT, McNabb, Santonio Holmes, LenDale White, Chris Johnson, Josh Scobee, and the Green Bay defense for all scoring less than four points apiece and dooming Zach's opponent, who was previously 2-2. Zach's favorite fantasy player Ryan Grant got him 4.15 and he was carried by Stephen Gostkowski, Roddy White, and Reggie Bush.

It may not be pretty, but a win is a win. Congratulations, Zach!

Zach's Fantasy Woes

As you know, Zach and JMC had a recent fantasy throwdown, which JMC won. Just to keep you all informed, Zach is now sitting at 0-4. This past week, after changing team names from "The Pink Tacos" to "Vince Young's Shrink" he was defeated again. Zach's team did eke out a whopping 55.52 points behind Ryan Grant's rather impressive -1.20 and 0.40 points from Donald Driver. In fact, his three WRs and three RBs combined were outscored by his kicker, Jeff Reed.

If it makes you feel any better, Zach, you came in third in our recently completed fantasy baseball league. Way to go champ! Thank Dustin Pedroia and Chipper Jones.

[Editor's note: If you see that Ryan Grant has been hung with a jump rope, don't tell the police. K?]

Fantasy Throwdown Update

I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath to find out who won the Fantasy Throwdown we described to you a few weeks ago. The flood of emails demanding to know the results has been overwhelming, so here you go, the results.

Sadly, Yahoo! won't let us look at the actual matchup results from week 1, so all you get is the score. JMC "Daddy's got a Zikpah" won 82.74 - 51.38 over Zach "The Pink Tacos." Willie Parker's 24.90 points might have had something to do with the lopsided score. So there you go. JMC won. Zach owes him a beer. By the way, Zach, loser buys the winner a beer. We made that bet. You might not remember it, but it happened. Trust me.

Oh and for those with inquiring minds, Zach is now 0-2 and in last place. Loser.

[Editorial note:] Derek Anderson can eat the inside of my asshole, thanks.

Fantasy Throwdown!

As you all know, the NFL season kicks off this week, and that means fantasy football. In what's probably not a surprise to anyone, the writers of this blog are in a fantasy league together with a bunch of other schmucks. Lo and behold, two of us are matched up in week 1. Zach (The Pink Tacos), and JMC (Daddy's got a Zikpah) will face off this Sunday. Here are the lineups -- it's projected to be a close game, who do YOU think will win?

Click the picture for a larger size!

Yahoo's 'projected' fantasy points are bullshit

In the land of projections, hypotheticals and unicorns, we are 6-5, hung like Ron Jeremy and have the looks of both Brad Pitt and Denzel.

And our fantasy football team, clearly, wins all the time.

But we don't live in that magical world. Rather we live in an "actual" world, where Willie Parker doesn't score touchdowns and Jeff Reed takes pictures of his penis instead of kicking field goals.

Fantasy Football has pissed us off all season; we see it as a sure-fire way to be in a pissed off mood on Sundays.

But our team is raw. C'mon, look at that team. Indestructible.

Naturally, we were "projected" to win our playoff game because Reggie Wayne was "projected" to go for about 80 yards and a score and Willis McGahee and the hapless Ravens were "projected" to be a professional football team.

We went down in the playoffs; bitterness followed. We were "projected" to win. "Projected" to take home the hot chick with big cans in the halter top from the bar. "Projected" to fall in to piles of money like those kids from Cruel Intentions.

But life isn't about projections. It's about actuality. And our team can go "actually" fuck themselves.

A letter to Willie Parker

Dear Mr. Parker,

Fuck you, asshole. If you run for over 100 yards again and fail to get in the endzone, we'll kill your fucking dog. Don't get to the century mark and fail to score? First born, bitch. (OK, not really. Just your dog.)

You are making Najeh Davenport look like a first-round fantasy back. That's bullshit, Willie. You're a first-round fantasy back and you're more useless to our teams than Steven Hawking.

Take some initiative, Willie. We don't give a fuck if you're tired or if Mike Tomlin hates fantasy football owners, but if the Steelers are inside the 10, you need to put the football in the motherfucking endzone.

We don't care how you do it. If you need to turn Davenport into Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable, so be it. You do what you need to do to win. And to help us win. And nothing less.

So we'll give you one more week. Yeah, that's an ultimatum. After your bye week, go for 100. Score. Fuck it. Score twice. And pretend, for just one game, that you're a legitimate first round pick. If you don't? You're fucking toast.

Sincerely,
All of your Fantasy Football owners