Wednesday, May 13, 2009

5 Fantasy Baseball players you want to bludgeon with, well, a baseball bat

Two fantasy posts in one week? What are we? Baseball Prospectus? Oh, heavens, no. We have far less credibility, money and stale writing. But yes, two fantasy posts in one week. That's what happens in May when you refuse to touch the NBA Playoffs.

Clearly our fantasy team sucks more dick than a pornstar, so one of these guys is naturally on our team; surprisingly not more. The top five guys who are ruining your fantasy team (stats through Monday):

5. Lance Berkman, OF, Houston, Average Pick 20.4:

Berkman fell to you in the third round and despite taking Grady Sizemore in the first round, you had to take a second outfielder because you went with the best player available. Instead, you have a .184 average, seven homers, and 16 RBI. But cool catch, dude.

4. Josh Hamilton, OF, Texas, Average Pick 9.9:

No alcohol or cocaine jokes here. The .242 average, two homers and 10 RBI are funny enough. More of a laughing matter: Hamilton missed the last two weeks with strained rib cage. (He'll be back any day now).

3. B.J. Upton, OF, Tampa Bay, Average Pick 17.1:

We could easily go the B.J. ain't getting any BJs with a .167 average, no homeruns and three RBI route, but instead we'll suggest he needs the extra BP and maybe a new set of batting gloves.

2. Mark Teixeira, 1B, New York Yankees, Average Pick 12.5:

New contract, new ballpark, new struggles. $180 million now buys a .198 average, seven homers and 17 RBI.

1. Jimmy Rollins, SS, Philadelphia, Average Pick 13.4:

If the umpire had Rollins on his fantasy team like we do, he'd call that pitch a strike. A .195 average, one homer and only one stolen base make Rollins the top bust of the early 2009 season. We spent a first-round pick on him; others did too. And now we want to beat him with a rosin bag.

Your praise, hate-filled disagreement and fantasy angst in the comments, please.


Bokolis said...

It's resin, ye cunt.

Oh, you mean hate-filled about the fantasy.

Ummmmm, Manny, in a roto league. Not as big an issue in h2h.

I kind of saw Rollins' decline coming, but I'm pretty sure he's always been a slow starter.

We'll see what Teixeira does now that he's got his juicing partner in the lineup.

GMoney said...

Even before scrolling down, I was going to be pissed if Rollins wasn't #1. I don't know why people think that he's so good. He sucks faggot cock.

ROTU said...

I have three Cleveland Indians on my roster. I would submit Eric Wedge for consideration. I would love to crack some pine (or ash) over his head.

Anonymous said...

Bokolis, rosin is right. Consult the Columbia Guide to Standard American English.

Anonymous said...

David Ortiz might never hit a home run again.

Simon said...

I have Berkman, Hamilton and Rollins. FUCK!!!

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