[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]
I fucking love Halloween. It's hands down the best holiday in the history of anything.
I don't celebrate Christmas, but fuck presents. You get presents in the form of mini-skirts, cleavage and lace on Halloween.
Thanksgiving is like cool for the first 10 minutes when you start gorging yourself and manage to get a sample of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, biscuits, salad, veggies, beer, wine and gravy all in one bite and it tastes in-fucking-credible. But after about 10 minutes, you regret the fourths on stuffing and you proceed to set fire to your host's toilet.
Hanukkah. Solid holiday. Fire. Chocolate gelt. Gifts. But I don't get my masturbation material for the next two months like I do on Halloween.
Why Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores, I don't know. But it's a fantastic excuse. If girls dressed like whores everyday, I'd have a much brighter outlook on the world.
My girlfriend was asking me what to be for Halloween. I told her I didn't give a fuck as long as she wore a tiny skirt, showed some tit and went wild with the eye shadow. Call yourself "Dracula" or a "Witch" if that makes you feel better about dressing like a prostitute.
I still try to go trick 'r treating. I don't care that I'm in my mid-20s. I fucking love free shit and I fucking love candy, so when all I have to do is knock on some doors to get some free candy, you bet your ass I'm gonna try.
In the areas I've done my Halloweening, they usually give out the same types of stuff:
-Fun-size candy bars
I love it when you come to a house that switches it up. Full-size bars, unique treats (see below) or the people who just leave a bowl of candy outside when they're not home.
Wife: Baby, let's just turn off the lights so people skip the house.
Husband: Then they'll egg it.
Wife: What if we leave a bowl of candy outside?
Husband: The first group of kids will take it all.
Wife: No they won't. The Honor System, honey.
The Honor System. Hah! That candy's going all to the first group of kids! But your house will only be egged by the second group of kids and the following groups who see the lights off and an empty bowl.
The moral of the story: Stay at home and give out fucking candy. Or get guard dogs.
As far as my trick 'r treating goes, I'm a candy snob. Here's how to make me a friend and not an egger:
1. Specialty candy: Payday, 5th Avenue, Milky Way Midnight, Chocolate Skittles, Mint 3 Musketeers, Caramello, Reese's Fastbreak, etc.
2. Full-size bars.
3. Solid fun-size bars: Snickers, Reese's, Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, Starburst.
I used to trick 'r treat in an area that gave out apple juice. You would be going around swiftly, sometimes running in those hot costumes, and you would be previewing your pillowcase of goodness. You get fucking thirsty.
If you go to the juice house first, that's bad. They'll be cleaning up the egg, toilet paper and shaving cream the next morning. But go there later in the night, they're your fucking life saver...ooh, Life Savers!
5. Life Savers.
6. Smarties. You say "chalk," I say, "yummy chalk."
7. Hershey's Miniatures. Mr. Goodbar, Krackel, Special Dark. You know 'em. I think they suck cock.
8. Hard candies. Like the kind your grandparents have in their sitting room. (Who the fuck still has a sitting room?)
9. Raisins. Raisins are not candy. You. Fucking. Asshole.
10. Pennies. I've gotten pennies on Halloween. Just cuz I'm dressed like a whore does not mean you owe me money.
Halloween has nothing to do with college football. Don't be hungover if you've got a home game you're attending Saturday. Home games are important. There. Relevant for the college kids.
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Winners are made on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
No. 8 Florida vs. No. 6 Georgia at Jacksonville, 3:30 p.m., CBS:
The World's Largest Outdoor Cockfest
The World's Largest Outdoor AA Meeting
The World's Largest Outdoor Meth Orgy
The word "cocktail," I think, has been banned or something.
I would imagine this a fun game to go to. Like really fun. Probably tons of hot southern poon drinking too much and making bad decisions...the reason more men aren't virgins.
I don't know why this game is played at a "neutral" site. It'd be better if it weren't.
Ole Miss is the only school in the nation that won't say Florida is the best team in the country. Yeah. Florida is the best team in the country. Sorry Texas, Penn State and 'Bama. Florida 34, Georgia 17.
No. 1 Texas at No. 7 Texas Tech, 8 p.m., ABC: All right Texas Tech, time to prove that your wins over Eastern Washington, Nevada, SMU, UMass, Kansas State, Nebraska, Texas A&M and Kansas actually mean something. Texas 48, Texas Tech 30.
By the way, both of these games are being viewed as "elimination" games. So yeah, they're pretty important.
Tennessee at South Carolina, 7 p.m., ESPN 2: I like SEC night games and coaches on the hot seat. This one hits on both. South Carolina 17, Tennessee 9.
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame, 2:30 p.m., NBC: It's always fun to root against Notre Dame. Notre Dame 21, Pitt 17.
West Fuckin Virginia at No. 25 UConn, noon, ESPN 360.
Wisconsin at No. 21 Michigan State, noon, ESPN.
No. 18 Tulsa at Arkansas, 2 p.m., ESPN 360.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
In the spirit of the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, I just made up a new drink.
2 oz. Maker's
2 oz. dark rum
2 oz. cheap vodka
2 oz. gin
2 oz. tequila blanco
2 oz. light rum
2 oz. tequila oro
2 oz. Vanilla Twist Smirnoff
2 oz. Triple Sec
.5 oz. Tabasco
.5 oz. maple syrup
4 oz. PBR
Shake Maker's, both rums, vodka, gin, both tequilas, Vanilla Twist Smirnoff, Tabasco, syrup, and Triple Sec with ice. Strain into a keg cup. Top with PBR.
I call this the "Train Wreck" because after one, people will try not to stare at you, but just won't be able to look away. Good luck making it into the stadium!
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"P|d*Xi,&k@z" (Blitz, blitz, blitz.)
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Washington State at Stanford (-30). Stanford is wildly inconsistent (beat Oregon State and Arizona, lost to UCLA), and has only scored over 30 points twice.
But this is Washington State, which brings embarrassment to a brand new level. Even with a pathetic quarterback, Stanford should be good to cover.
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 4-0. (All picks against WSU).
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Kerry Taylor, WR, Arizona State
I drafted Kerry (girl's name, especially when spelled that way) Taylor as my second wide receiver in my Pac-10 league.
He was fucking awesome for me in his first two games, racking up over 90 yards and scoring a TD in each game.
Since? Eight catches, 95 yards, no touchdowns in four games.
Get it the fuck back, Kerry.
Playboy Babe of the Week:
Maybe she's drinking a "Train Wreck."
You can view a huge safe-for-work gallery of this Playboy U babe here. If you Google "kristen deluca nude," you'll find some NSFW galleries and notice that she has her hood pierced. Whoa!
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, football fans.