Fuck it. Right to the good stuff this week.
Games broken down on a one-to-four bunny scale of watch-ability.
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it.
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games.
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Here we go. All times Eastern.
No. 5 Texas vs. No. 1 Oklahoma at Cotton Bowl, 12 p.m., ABC: This is pretty much the East Coast's version of sticking a hockey stick in the West Coast's collective ass. After a late night of partying Friday, us West Coasters are supposed to be up by 9 a.m. to see kickoff? Fuck. That. Primetime was meant for a fucking reason and this was one of them. You have two top teams, with the winner being a front-runner for the BCS title game and I have to set an alarm? Not fun.
As far as the game goes, well, it should be good. So good I might set my fucking alarm on a Saturday morning to see this. Fuck the schedulers! Ridiculous. FYI, this is a "home game" for Oklahoma despite it being played in Dallas. We'll see how that works out. Oklahoma 30, Texas 24.
No. 4 LSU at No. 11 Florida, 8 p.m., CBS: Love the SEC! Love it! Jeez, I think if I could stick my penis into the SEC, I would probably consider it after three Long Islands.
Another blockbuster -- this one in Primetime; take a fucking hint, Big 12 -- and while Florida is sitting right outside of the top 10, I'm still convinced the Gators are a top-five team.
LSU will start Jarrett Lee at quarteback, but Andrew Hatch, who still isn't quite sure where he is after getting a concussion a few weeks back against Auburn, will get in the game within a few offensive series according to coach Les Miles.
No QB issues for the Gators as reigning Heisman winner Tim Tebow will guide Florida. The man is a good football player. For some reason I root against him. It's probably because he could fuck anything that walks. That's where he and I differ. But I think he's probably capable of beating a solid Tigers defense all by himself. The home crowd won't hurt either. Florida 14, LSU 13.
No. 17 Oklahoma State at No. 3 Missouri, 8 p.m., ESPN 2: Oklahoma is one of those ranked teams which I imagine that most college football fans can't name a player. I can name two pretty good ones on Mizzou: QB Chase Daniel and WR/KR/STUD Jeremy Maclin. Those two are enough, at home, to make this one a laugher. Missouri 45, Oklahoma State 20.
No. 6 Penn State at Wisconsin, 8 p.m., ESPN: Back-to-back tough losses for Wisconsin who has gotta be one of those unranked teams that could probably beat anyone ranked from 10-25 on a given day.
Penn State, meanwhile, is the only reason I still take the Big 10 remotely seriously. The Nittany Lions are playing awfully well with that new spread offense, showing some remarkable athleticism from the QB spot which hasn't been present since Michael Robinson
Wisconsin could put a good scare into PSU, but how can you pick against Joe Pa? Penn State 24, Wisconsin 21.
No. 23 Michigan State vs. Northwestern, 3:30 p.m., ESPN 2: Michigan State hasn't lost since Week 1. Northwestern -- Northwestern! -- hasn't lost at all. 5-0, bitches!
But the Wildcats have played Syracuse, Duke, Southern Illinois, Ohio and Iowa. Those teams are not real football teams. Michigan State is. Michigan State 38, Northwestern 20.
Arizona State at No. 8 USC, 12:30 p.m., ABC
Tennesse at No. 10 Georgia, 12:30 p.m., CBS: Much like a trainwreck, I might be drawn to this just to see how bad the Vols look. If they lose ugly, is that it for Phillip Fulmer? Georiga 21 Tennesee 9.
Colorado at No. 16 Kansas, 12:30 p.m., ESPN.
Notre Dame at No. 22 North Carolina, 12:30 p.m., ABC.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
The wide-mouth, non-40 version of Mickeys basically says, "I'm gonna puke later and I don't give a fuck who knows about it."
Perfect drink for the fan who doesn't mind being in the toilet by halftime or who needs liquid-help to watch his miserable team.
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"PizUop*ax#L+wkp" (Don't stop until you hear the whistle).
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Washington State at Oregon State (-30). Back-t0-back weeks I've gone against Wazzu and I've nailed it twice. No reason to switch things up, even with the 2-3 Beavers more than a four-TD favorite. Washington State is miserable and Oregon State, well, no need to praise OSU. Washington State is dreadful.
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
USC wideout Vidal Hazelton is on my shit list this week. Originally the high-flying Trojans' No. 2 receiver, Hazelton caught five passes for 33 yards in USC's opener against Virginia and hasn't played since. He hurt his ankle and is being a little pussy about it.
Get the fuck back in there, man. You're one of my top wideouts. I need your help, bro!
Playboy Babe of the Week:
See. I don't just like blonds with fake cans.
Relatively, but not really...well, sorta, kinda safe-for-work photos here.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, friends.