Friday, October 03, 2008

Pre-gaming: College GameDay Signs

Photo courtesy of Football Jesus Las Vegas

[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]

I've never been to a game where ESPN's College GameDay has been. The nature of being on the West Coast, probably, in that the Pac-10 gets maybe one game a year with Fowler, Corso and the gang. Washington has not been involved in that game since I've been in Seattle. Probably a good reason for that, like not winning.

Perhaps watching College GameDay on TV is better because you can then see some of the signs more clearly. And while most of the inappropriate signs get taken down by ESPN staffers, a few of the gems sneak their way through and live temporarily on-air and forever on the Internet.

The "inappropriate" signs can be categorized three ways.

1. Those making fun of ESPN talent.

If it's poking fun at Lou Holtz or blatantly calling Lee Corso a penis, these signs make it clear that certain people shouldn't be on TV.

Photo courtesy of Deadspin

2. Those making fun of an opposing team's player.

Some of these signs can be PG: "Chase Daniel Eats Boogers." Or they can be more R-rated and subtle: "Tebow ♥'s Coach Urban Meyer."

Photo courtesy of CollegeGameBalls

3. Those making fun of the opposing school or region.

These can be highly creative and fun. Kinda like, "Washington State students bag my groceries." These are often humorous, yet can be tasteless. But fuck it, they're just signs. Go to town!

Photo courtesy of CollegeGameBalls

What signs will we see when GameDay is at Vanderbilt for the Vandy-Auburn game Saturday?

Speaking of games...what should you be watching Saturday? I'll break it down for ya on a one-to-four bunny scale of watch-ability.

Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it.

Three bunnies means:
"Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games.

Two bunnies means:
Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.

One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.

Here we go. All times Eastern.

No. 14 Ohio State at No. 18 Wisconsin, 8 p.m., ABC:
It's one of those weeks lacking serious marquee games. When I lead off the four-bunny games with some Big 10 action, you have to know that if there's any Saturday to embrace the Farmer's Market, go see a foreign film or have a fucking picnic, this is the one.

Ohio State still has a lot to play for, whether you want to accept that or not. The Buckeyes have demonstrated the past three years that they can't beat any good teams, but they can sure beat the OK ones; and the Big 10 is filled with OK teams. If the Buckeyes run the table; USC loses again; Texas, Oklahoma and Mizzou all lose twice; and the SEC doesn't have two one-loss teams, theOhio State could get back to the National Championship. After writing that, Ohio State making the BCS title game seems as likely as Jessica Alba and I procreating. Ohio State 20, Wisconsin 13.

No. 13 Auburn at No. 19 Vanderbilt, 6 p.m., ESPN: It's another game between two ranked SEC teams (expect that sentence every week), but as far as prime SEC games go, this is not the brightest star. Auburn's D is among the best in the conference, but the Tigers' offense is about as effective as trying to masturbate with an oven mitt on your hand.

Vandy's looked good. VANDY! Fucking Vanderbilt is ranked! But how long can it last? I just can't take the Vanderbilt Commodores seriously. I want to. I do. Really. But I just can't. Auburn 9, Vandy 3.

No. 23 Oregon at No. 9 USC, 8 p.m., ABC: I'm not really in the mood to look this up, but I can't remember the last time USC lost back-to-back games. For how lousy the Pac-10 has been this year, Oregon is a bad game against Boise State from being in the top 15. USC, at home, is the clincher for me, but even if this was Autzen Stadium in Eugene, I'd be hard-pressed to pick against the Trojans coming off a loss. USC 38, Oregon 30.

No. 4 Missouri at Nebraska, 9 p.m., ESPN: A casual fan sees this game on paper and will expect another Mizzou rout. The way that the Tigers have played, it'd be hard to argue. But I talked to a knowledgeable coworker who's a Missouri alum and he's genuinely concerned about this game. For good reason, too. Mizzou hasn't won in Lincoln in nearly 30 years, according to him. It's a hard place to play and Bo Pelini has that Husker defense playing better. It'll be closer than expected. Missouri 27, Nebraska 21.

No. 5 Texas at Colorado, 7:10 p.m., FSN?
Arizona State at Cal, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Florida State at Miami, 3:30 p.m., ABC:
This game would've been relevant in 1999. Now, one-bunny status. How quickly some teams can fall. (I cut and pasted that sentence from last week's Virginia Tech-Nebraska game. One-part laziness, two parts making a point.) Florida State 23, Miami 14.

No. 24 UConn at North Carolina, 7 p.m., ESPN 2.
Illinois at Michigan, 3:30 p.m., ABC.

Tailgate Beverage of the Week:

Bloody Mary

1 1/2 oz vodka
3 oz tomato juice
1 dash lemon juice
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2 - 3 drops Tabasco® sauce
1 lime wedge

The perfect drink for that early-morning tailgate. Fucking great first thing in the morning with your eggs and bacon. I also love Bloody Mary's when you get the celery, green bean, olives, onion and lime wedge in there. You might think I'm a pussy, but I fucking love getting plowed while eating a salad. My mother would be proud of me for eating my vegetables.

Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:

"Io8ti(x$v?risxz%Dmp" (Keep the chains moving).

Bet It Hard:

The game you should bet your paycheck on.

Washington State at UCLA (-17). Last week I went with Oregon over the Cougs as the Bet It Hard of the week and the Ducks put up over 60 points. Until Washington State proves it belongs in Division I, I'm picking against them. Take the Bruins.

Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:

Last week I ragged on Tavita Pritchard and then he went out and had a three-touchdown game. I no longer want to hang him with a jump rope. Maybe just knock a few teeth out.

This week's Pac-10 player that I want to hang with a fucking jump rope is Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount.

First off, what kind of fucking backwards name is LeGarrette? If he's calling himself that, I'm going to start calling myself TheZach.

Also, I have Jeremiah Johnson on my Pac-10 fantasy team. Johnson was my first pick and has been fine, but fucking TheGarrette has been stealing carries from Jeremiah. I don't like that. I spend a first-round pick on a running back and that motherfucker better be getting the bulk of the carries. If Blount doesn't pull a hamstring, I'm gonna be pissed. I might have to then, ya know, roll a blunt.

Playboy Babe of the Week:

Heidi Rae.

Heidi looks like she's ready for school. (She's probably ready for something else, too...)

More not-safe-for-work photos here.

College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, friends.


rstiles said...

I love the Lou Holtz quote!!!

GMoney said...

I've seen that look before (Heidi's). It's the same look I get when I walk into a Girl Scout meeting without any pants on.

JMC said...

playboy pick of the week: blond with fake tits and a vacant expression... why am I not surprised? Zach, sometimes you're so predictable.

JMC said...

"After writing that, Ohio State making the BCS title game seems as likely as Jessica Alba and I procreating."

Don't sell yourself short buddy! said...

How did really losing to Florida State in the title game work out for ya'll?

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