Wednesday, March 11, 2009

5 Ways to Skip Work for the Opening Round of March Madness

We dare you to name two more entertaining days of sports than the first two days of the Dance. Tons of games throughout the day, Cinderellas and CBS' fantastic broadcasters.

Call it an injustice to the 9-5er that the bulk of the Opening Round is during the work day. Watching the tourney becomes a challenge for the common worker to outsmart the boss and get the day off. All the more reason to go for that promotion: when you're your own boss, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

So, the top five legit ways to get off work during the First Round of the NCAA Tournament:

5. Get a Vasectomy

Totally legit if you're willing to go through with it. Much talk around the blogosphere yesterday about how an Oregon institute is encouraging men to get a vasectomy this week so they can spend next Thursday and Friday "recovering" (with frozen peas, beer and brackets!) on the couch.

Downside: You just got a fucking vasectomy!

4. Call in Sick

You have the sick days, so might as well use them.

But even if next Wednesday you're puking, have a temperature of 103 and are covered in a nasty rash, people will still know you're full of shit when you're out Thursday.

Downside: Everyone knows you're a filthy liar.

3. Car Trouble

The phone call:

You (on your couch): Hi, I'm on the freeway and my radiator just went. There's steam everywhere and I think I smell gas. If the car doesn't blow up it'd be nothing short of a miracle. The tow truck is on its way, but I think I'm stuck today. And I have a feeling the same thing will happen tomorrow.
Boss: Why don't you take the bus?
You: I don't want to catch Syphilis.

Feel free to add legitimacy to this fake call by turning the volume up on a YouTube video of a NASCAR race to simulate the car sounds on the "freeway."

Downside: Probably only good for one day of the Dance. You'll have to take public transportation the next day or get a "rental" (your roommate's car) to really sell your excuse.

2. Schedule a Vacation in Advance

Planning ahead is brilliant! You know the dates of the Opening Round months before the games. So, in September give them notice that you're taking a family trip sometime in late March. They'll never know what him 'em.

Downside: Might lose some vacation days. Seems like a small price to pay...

1. Family Emergency

Call in Thursday morning saying there's been an emergency in the family. That's all you'll have to say.

If you have a boss that questions that, you need a new job. Most asshole bosses are sympathetic enough not to give you flack about something that is clearly important.

Got a nosy secretary? Your boss ask questions? Feel free to come up with a cover story when you're back on Monday. Whatever it is, not only will you have watched every single game of the tourney, you'll now have the office's sympathy, too.

Downside: Karma?

Ideas, suggestions, stories all welcome in the comments. We're all in this together, folks. Let the madness begin!


Bazooka Jones said...

Get a job in an athletic department.

In my office there are TVs everywhere that are always on ESPN or whatever other channel has sports on.

GM said...

Wow. I actually posted a similar thing over at last night.

I actually scheduled to have my wisdom teeth removed the Wednesday before the tourney a couple years ago. It worked...I couldn't eat much...but I got to see all the games.

Anonymous said...

or just watch it all online and steal time from the company that way.

GMoney said...

I used #2 and I have done so for the past 5 years. So what? It's not like I go on vacations anyway.

Bokolis said...

You don't have to tell me shit. I haven't worked on those two days since 1999.

I delayed taking new jobs in 2000 and '01 specifically to be home for those days. The latter was a night job, giving me days free. From 2006, I've had to burn vacation days.

The rub is that I moonlight at a sports-related job. On Thursday, I'm going to burn a vacation day to go hang out there (while getting paid, of course, boss sanctioned) and watch the games.

Anonymous said...

I do video editing and have multiple Monitors, one of which will always have a game on. Most offices have an old computer tucked away somewhere or bring in a laptop. God Bless TV for free online

Anonymous said...

Hard to pull off any of those when you run the office pool. Family emergency is a possibility, but only if your team ain't dancing. Otherwise they're getting Cinderella-ed on.