Tuesday, May 16, 2006

If MLB players were Street Fighter II characters...

Albert Pujols:

Sagat, a boss character, could end you in a heartbeat. Just one of his signature uppercuts could take half of your energy. Pujols can do the same thing: fuck you up in a split second. Some may remember Prince Albert hitting three homers, including a walk-off, on April 16 as the Cardinals beat the Reds 8-7. Cincinnati got Sagated.

Adam Dunn:

Zangief was a character players rarely chose to be, and when playing at his level, you'd usually beat him without a sweat. But on the rare occasion, he could do some major, major damage because he was so powerful. Enter Reds outfielder Adam Dunn. Most of the time Dunn will do something you don't want him to do — like strike out. He k's about 200 times a year and has never hit above .270. But he has clocked 40+ homeruns two years in a row. Like, Zangief, he's powerful and shows signs of life, but most of the time he doesn't do much that's good.


Get over the whole Asian thing; it has nothing to do with that. (Anyway, Ichiro is Japanese and Chun-Li is Chinese). This is about finesse. Ichiro plays the outfield gracefully and Chun-Li beats her larger, stronger opponents with speed and quickness. Neither were given the naturally ability to succeed at their respective professions (Ichiro: baseball; Chun-Li: ass kicking), but both use the skills they have to be good at what they do. (And we can also visualize Ichiro doing that lightning kick that Chun-Li perfected).

Derek Jeter:

While we hate to admit it, Derek Jeter is smooth...much like Ken. Jeter is the captain of the Yankees, lives in the Big Apple and has ladies chasing him. Ken, hands down, pulls more pussy than any other Street Fighter character. He's good-looking, suave, and could whoop your ass. The guy has game and your girlfriend will seriously consider leaving you for this fictional video game character. Jeter has that same pull on women.

Barry Bonds:
1990: Dhalsim
2006: E. Honda

Dhalsim should try the Cream and the Clear. E. Honda may want to find a treadmill.

Carlos Beltran:

Vega is the second boss you come to as you progress through the game. The natural reaction by a player when they reach Vega is, "Oh fuck. Time to bring the A game." But then you beat this Spaniard on the first try, making him seem pretty over-hyped. Hmm, Carlos Beltran over-hyped? Nah. The Mets outfielder only got $13.5 million last year to hit .266 with 16 HRs and 78 RBIs. He should be getting A-Rod money for those kind of numbers.

Richie Sexson:

A striking resemblence...minus the army fatigues, of course.

George Steinbrenner:
M. Bison

Bison is the boss of bosses in Street Fighter II. Steinbrenner is just The Boss. Both are strong motherfuckers who are determined to get their way. Both know how to kick ass in their own way and like to make it clear who's the boss.

If we left any out, or you disagree, let's hear it people...we bet NFL Adam would compare himself to Ryu though we really know he's more like Dhalsim.

(Check out the Mighty MJD's comparison of NBA Playoff teams to 80s sitcoms.)


THN said...

I looked like Ryu during my college days.

Anonymous said...

Great post Zach. Very clever.

Anonymous said...

You forgot David Ortiz as Blanca... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blanka

Diesel said...

Dude, Miguel Cabrera is SO Ryu.

Hot list.

Anonymous said...

Manny Ramirez is definitely Blanka.

Anonymous said...

What about Ryu as Carl Crawford. Ryu was all around the most complete player in Street Fighter. Carl Crawford is quiet, a stud and is a 5-tool (complete) player.

I'd have to agree that David Ortiz or Manny Ramirez qualify as Blanka. More David Ortiz cause he's as fat as Blanka.

The Big Picture said...

great call with either manny or Papi as Blanka. don't know how that one slipped through.

ryu seems a bit trickier...depends your interpretation of that fighter. i saw him as a quiet, yet complete ass-whooper. so diesel's comparison of Cabrera and anonymous #3 as carl crawford are both good comparisons. and maybe a Bobby Abreu sneaks in under that arguement too.

Johnny Cakes but not gay said...

Great post!

Balrog (the Mike Tyson clone) = Jose Guillen cause they're both professional boxers masquerading as street fighters/baseball players.

The latter day Bonds is definitely E Honda like you said. Much like E Honda's blurry jab, Bonds cheats to win with an illegal move.

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