Thursday, July 09, 2009

The Good, the Bad and the Wicked Awful


The following is written by David Kamoe, a life-long sports fan whose sister is a close friend. David is an avid A's fan, wen to to high school with Drew Gooden and can't believe that Giants commentator Mike Krukow used to refer to the right-centerfield expanse at Pac Bell Park as "Finley Alley," referring to Steve Finley who remarkably wore a Giants uniform for a season. David will likely be stopping by these parts a few times a month, so treat him right. And no sister jokes.

Note: The title of this blurb should be read using a semi-decent Bostonian accent a la the movie, "Beautiful Girls.".

On the Sixth day of the Seventh month of the year 2009, the Oakland Athletics prepared to play the Boston Red Sox. The pitching match-up featured A’s youngster Brett Anderson against life-long Atlanta Brave John Smoltz, now of the Red Sox. The subplot to the story was the return of two former Red Sox who happened to have been traded for each other five years prior.

First to the bat was Orlando Cabrera who received a nice cheer from “Red Sox Nation.” They cheered because he was a part of what Kevin Millar dubbed “the Idiots” who won it all in 2004 after 86 years of “almost.” The next ovation went beyond my general dislike of both the East Coast complex of “We’re #1!” and the leitmotif of Boston fans for feeling as though the world’s owed them. When Nomar Garciaparra was announced over the Fenway public address system, “Red Sox Nation” rose up in a lengthy amount of applause. I am not sure that “Red Sox Nation” wanted to see “Nomah” hit a homer as I did, but that he grounded out in his first AB was probably just fine with them.

What was not fine -- or should not have been fine -- was a beach ball in the crowd. This is something I count on seeing at Dodger Stadium or Angels Stadium. Certainly not at Fenway Park with its 97 years of history. Yet there were A's broadcasters Ray Fosse and Glen Kuiper noting a beach ball on the field at Fenway.

This would have been bad enough if it wasn’t for something else that cameras could not shield. As I watched the A’s feed of the game, I saw the crowd at Fenway Park doing the wave. Had I been drinking water, I would have done a Danny Thomas spit take. (Ask your parents. Better yet, Google it.) There can be only one even slightly plausible explanation for this: the Oakland A’s aren’t the same draw they used to be and those that filled Fenway on this Monday evening were members of the extended “Red Sox Nation” and not Bostonians. Were they, however, actual residents of Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, or Maine: what is wrong with you? “Red Sox Nation” is considered a “hardcore fan” with extensive knowledge of all things Sox. See Bill Simmons, Ben Affleck, Steven King, et al.

I would offer the story of the late Bill King, legendary broadcaster of Raiders, Warriors, and A’s games and his general dislike of the wave. I could point out the wave is subject to a variety of origins. Instead, I would simply note that the wave is a device used by fans who are bored. If you’re bored, why are you there? People always offer that baseball is too slow. Go watch a football game live and watch the game be completely controlled by a man wearing orange gloves to the elbow.

We're busy with work and other stuff and...you don't care...BOOBS!


Not much to write about and not much time to do it. But enjoy Rachel's eyes. And her hands. Nice fingers. And her hair is nice. And totally awesome tits.

Full jerk material here.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

"Good game, fellas. Nice win today...OWWWW, FUCK!"

You're Ryan Dempster, mediocre-to-good pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. It's been a tough season for you and the team. Your 5-5 record and 4.09 ERA is disappointing after an impressive 17-6 mark in 2008, and the team, expected to run away with the NL Central before the season began, is hovering around .500 due to injuries and Milton Bradley.

But things are starting to look up: Aramis Ramirez is healthy and you've just taken three of four from rival Milwaukee. So you begin to celebrate Sunday's series-finale win like you always do: by hopping over the dugout railing to go congratulate the team in the middle of the field.

Except you trip over the railing, fall hard on your foot and break a toe. Now you're out for about a month.

Yeah, major bummer, dude. Cute babe, though.

Twittering during NFL games may be logistically challenging

Pumped Chad Ochocinco plans to Twitter during games this upcoming season. That's sweeeeeeet! Stupid name, Chad 85, but cool you want to Tweet. You can tell us how you just got bumped off a slant route by Samari Rolle and continue to be a disappointing player in fantasy leagues despite being a top-ten receiver selected.

But how, exactly, does Johnson (we're calling him Chad JOHNSON, dammit) plan to use a Twitter-accessible mobile device while on the field? If you recall, Joe OchoSiete Horn got busted when he had one hidden in the goalpost in 2003. He may be able to keep it on the bench, but getting that past the coaching staff and the league won't be easy.

Expect an official ruling on this soon. But if he's able to pull it off, get ready for the fun:

"Just catched bad pass from Carson The Fucker last drive. 8 yards. FIRST DOWN!!!! 3 catches 28 yards. 3rd quarter. 24-6 Baltimore but I KILLIN' TODAY!!!!"

Feel free to fuck around with potential Chad 85 Tweets, kiddos.

Fuck You, Bee


Fuck You, Penguin
is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

So this is how you decide to spice up a Padres game, Bee? You and all your friends couldn't just sit back and let the fans enjoy a nice day at the park. LEAVE THE FUCKING USHER ALONE!

Bees get a bad rap. They really do. Some people use fists, some use coercion and others use humor as defense mechanisms. You, Bee, don't have these options. It's just a tiny little stinger for you. And honey tastes good. So thanks.

Nevertheless, Bee, you sting people and that shit hurts. And some people are allergic and die. That's wrong. You are responsible for killing Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. How can you live with that weight on your shoulders?

Stick to your regional parks and stay the fuck away from our picnics and baseball games, Bee. Or, hell, keep stinging us all you like. The joke's on you, pal.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

No, no, no, yes, no, maybe two Long Islands, no, no, yes, three LIs, maybe but probably not


That's your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team on a beach surrounded by palm trees; so either they aren't in Seattle or they are in front of a green screen. Probably not in Seattle.

Uncoached dug up some pictures of your National Champion Washington Huskies and showed them in and out of their softball uniforms.

I used to have some classes with some of the softball players and they were pretty cute. They also needed assistance in Geology 100 and, boy, was I happy to help.

Her: What is this we're looking at?
Me: A rock.
Her: Is that why they call this Rocks for Jocks?
Me: That may be part of the reason, yeah.

I don't have much else to write. Here's another picture.


Your National Champion Washington Huskies softball team looks better in this picture. One girl is like totally licking that other girl's ear. And the one in the back right wants to do me. I think I know that guy. He was probably a Pike. If you flip your fucking bill up you were probably a Pike. The girl in the back left is saving herself for marriage but boy are guys going to test that.

Here's another picture.


Here is your National Champion Washington Huskies wearing party clothes. That's a nice apartment. Well furnished. Clean carpet. Good light. That poster is a cliché at this point but it doesn't erase the fact that this is a nice place to live.

The Washington Huskies won the National Championship in softball. I went to Washington.

(There are more pictures here. Hot Clicks was the only reason I knew about this post).

Know the name Rodney Purvis

He's 15, is in eighth grade and is already being compared to Kentucky recruit John Wall who is thought to be the No. 1 pick in the 2010 NBA Draft. Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up...he's 15 and in eighth grade? Did he stay back? That's fucking old. There was a guy in our middle school who had a beard and nobody really talked to him much because he was in middle school and had a MOTHERFUCKING BEARD.

Rodney Purvis, 15, does not have a beard but he does have game. Only in eighth grade, he draws comparisons to Wall because he's a 6-3 point guard from Raleigh.

Purvis will be a freshman in college in 2013. But now you know his name. You will remember this blog post when he's the top recruit going to North Carolina. Don't say we never gave you anything.

[Charlotte Observer]

Morning Headlines: Philadelphia hammers Cincinnati


Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

Monday's winner: HM of Hoops and Other Pop Culture with this from Wimbledon: Roddick breaks serve twice to Federer's once.

[Phillies-Reds box score].

-Fisher throws two scoreless in relief

-Big fourth gives Phils breathing room

-Hamels evens record with seven strong

Your blowout headlines in the comments.

Monday, July 06, 2009

A .240 average, 6 home runs, a stint on the DL and a kicked coke probem will make you an All-Star starter

Josh Hamilton, folks. You're an overwhelming talent, get caught up in a world of addiction, kick the habit and have a strong season in your new home: now a perennial All-Star.

Not that there's anything wrong with a good comeback. Everyone likes a heart-warming, feel-good story; Kevin Costner has made a career exploiting that fact.

The All-Star game, meanwhile, isn't important; it's more about who actually makes the team rather than the game itself.

Nonetheless, Josh Hamilton hasn't played in over a month, has terrible numbers and stole a roster spot from teammate Nelson Cruz who has 20 homers. Love the fan voting. They nail it every time.

Hey, Tara Reid has a drug problem, too. Let's just hand her a fucking Oscar.

Morning Headlines: Federer wins Wimbeldon

Most mornings, we'll lead off the day with some AM headlines -- but not your traditional ones. Rather we'll focus on one game or story and write headlines that are completely inconsequential and insignificant to the outcome of the game. We'll give a few examples and then you'll play in the comments. Best headline (read: the one that makes us laugh the hardest) will get a shoutout in this space the next day. We'll provide the box score for the game as that can lend itself to plenty of content. Let's have some fun. The more insignificant, the better!

[Federer wins Wimbledon].

-Federer records key win on grass court

-Sampras a "non-factor" at Wimbledon

-Roddick: 'The jet lag was difficult to overcome'

Friday, July 03, 2009

An interview with Ricky Rubio


Ricky Rubio, recently drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves, will reportedly remain in Spain to play for his DKV Joventut basketball team for the remaining two years of his contract rather than try to move to the NBA this season. It has nothing to do with Minnesota being cold and the T-Wolves drafting 18 point guards.

The Big Picture: Thanks for joining us, Ricky.
Rubio: You are welcome.

TBP: Ricky's not your real name, right? That's like your "American" name. Kinda how the waiter at my Chinese restaurant is named John.
Rubio: No, my name is Ricky.

TBP: What's up with tapas? Those fucking suck. Why would I have a small plate when I could have a big one?
Rubio: I don't know.

TBP: Why do you think (T-Wolves GM) David Kahn picked so many guards. That's like really fucking stupid right? He realizes that this isn't fantasy basketball. You can't play 3 PG, 2 SG, 2 C, 1 SF, 1 PF and 1 F/G on an NBA team. I mean, that's even a big fantasy team. But you can't play 10 players at once. That's just against the rules.
Rubio: I'm not sure.

TBP: Do you openly hate Jonny Flynn?
Rubio: No.
TBP: Is it because he's black?
Rubio: No.

TBP: What's your beef with Minnesota? Didn't you see Fargo? That movie was cool and brought out Minnesota in a positive light.
Rubio: I don't think Fargo is in Minnesota.
TBP: No, it is. You're from Spain. You wouldn't know these things.
Rubio: OK.
TBP: That part where they put the body in the wood chipper...JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN EVERYTHING!
Rubio: OK.

TBP: Oh, dontcha know.
Rubio: What?
TBP: I was doing my Minnesota accent.

TBP: Have you been to that mall? That place is apparently amazing. Like you could probably lead a full, meaningful life if you lived in that place.
Rubio: I haven't seen it.

TBP: Don't you think going back to Spain is a bad financial decision? That just seems irresponsible. What if you tear up your knee? What if Jonny Flynn tries to kick your ass?
Rubio: I want to be close to home.

TBP: Why'd you call Kevin Love gay?
Rubio: I never did that.

TBP: You look pretty feminine. Did you ever dress up as a girl when you were a kid?
Rubio: No.

TBP: Pau Gasol is also a Spanish basketball player. Have you seen that guy?! Whoa! Do you think he reflects poorly on the country?
Rubio: No.

TBP: For real, what's your name?
Rubio: Ricky.

TBP: Hey, thanks for joining us.
Rubio: Alright.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Mark Sanchez autographs cocktailer's arm, no sex exchanged

A cocktail waitress at New York club, Marquee, sees Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez sitting at the bar, gets flush with excitement as she recognizes the city's hottest new celebrity and decides to savor the moment forever.

So she does what any cocktail waitress at a swanky New York City club would do: She asks for his signature on her arm. Not on the pad of paper she was presumably holding. Not on a menu. Not on a napkin. Not on her rack.

On her arm. On her fucking arm. What the fuck is this woman going to do with Mark Sanchez's scribbled signature on her goddamn arm? Frame a photo of it and put it on her bedside table and kiss it before turning out the light? Show off the autographed arm to customers throughout the evening?

Waitress: "Hey!!!!! Mark Sanchez just wrote on my arm!!!!!!
Customer: "Tom Collins, please. Easy on the lemon juice."

If she wanted to soak in the moment, why not just bang him? That'd be much more memorable than an AUTOGRAPH ON YOUR FUCKING SKIN! We don't know what this gal looks like, but based on photos of the club we'd imagine the cocktailers working there are pretty attractive. And Sanchez is single. And he was drinking. With Nick Mangold (who was not asked for an arm autograph).

Guess she wasn't brunette.

And this is why we really hate the Red Sox

We showed you what happened to Boston on Tuesday. That never happens to Boston. Boston does that to other teams.

That was the type of loss that derails a series, a week, maybe even a season. That's brutal. Just brutal.

So yesterday's 5-1 ninth-inning deficit could hardly have come as a surprise. Boston had come out flat and tossed out a dud of a game in the wake of Tuesday's meltdown.

But these are the Red Sox, and they don't fold. They score four runs in the ninth to push the game into extra innings and then win in the 11th.

AGGGHHHH!!!! Fucking Boston! We hate Boston! Fuck.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Hahahaha fuck you, Boston!!! LMFAO!!! Nice game!!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! ========)) LOL!!!!

Strong relief effort, bullpen!!!!!!! Way to go, Hideki Okajima!!!!!!!!! Solid effort, Jonathan Papelbon!!!!!!!!!!

LMAO!!! LIMT!!!

The Red Sox blew a 10-1 seventh-inning lead!!!!!!!!! I would commit Seppuku with a garden scythe if that happened to the Giants!!!!!!!!!

LMBO!!!!! Hehehehehehehehe!!!!!!!!

(!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Keep talking about your lucky underwear and they aren't going to be so lucky anymore

Atlanta's Jeff Francoeur has a pair of lucky underwear. They have turkeys on them. They were a gift from his wife for Thanksgiving. The Braves are 7-0 when Francoeur wears said briefs.

You can read all about the outfielder's undergarments here.

For fuck's sake, Jeff, DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR LUCKY UNDERWEAR TO THE PUBLIC! We are firm believers in superstitions, and have the utmost respect for players who have them. But the way to make your lucky underwear unlucky in a hurry is to discuss it. Keep your superstitions quiet, people. Your team will thank you for it.

And we don't want to hear about your turkey boxers. Gross.