Fuck You, Bee

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

So this is how you decide to spice up a Padres game, Bee? You and all your friends couldn't just sit back and let the fans enjoy a nice day at the park. LEAVE THE FUCKING USHER ALONE!

Bees get a bad rap. They really do. Some people use fists, some use coercion and others use humor as defense mechanisms. You, Bee, don't have these options. It's just a tiny little stinger for you. And honey tastes good. So thanks.

Nevertheless, Bee, you sting people and that shit hurts. And some people are allergic and die. That's wrong. You are responsible for killing Macaulay Culkin in My Girl. How can you live with that weight on your shoulders?

Stick to your regional parks and stay the fuck away from our picnics and baseball games, Bee. Or, hell, keep stinging us all you like. The joke's on you, pal.

Fuck You, Seagull

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Oh don't get me started, Seagull. Wrigley Field is not the motherfucking beach. There is no sand here. There is no water here. There are no women frolicking in bikinis begging to be ravaged by any species of males.

This is a baseball stadium, Seagull. Reed Johnson does not want you all up in his shit. Speaking of shit, do not shit on Reed Johnson. He only likes that when he's been drinking.

The thing is, Seagull, you can't come alone. Can't leave home without your friends, can you? It's all about strength in numbers for you birds. You need your entire entourage to validate that you're an asshole.

But the game's up, Seagull. You're down by six with two outs in the ninth. There's a high fly to center and BAM! You lose, Seagull.

(Photo: The Cubdom)

Fuck You, Pig

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Well this is new, Pig.

What? The days of rolling in mud and smelling like rotten asshole are over? Is this the 21st Century pig? It's now white-sand beaches, crystal-clear water and fucking wave runners?

Don't bring Andrei Kirilenko into this, Pig. He didn't do anything to you. He's just trying to enjoy his vacation and then you came along to rain on the parade. If you're trying to sneak into the paparazzi shot, you think you could have at least put on some make-up or gotten your fat ass out of the FUCKING WAY.

Get off my beach, Pig, and go crawling back to Old McDonald. If you think the Big Bad Wolf was bad you haven't seen shit yet.

(Photo: Deadspin)

Fuck You, Deer

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Comfy? So you think you can just turn the 18th into your fucking nap zone, do ya, Deer? Well golf may be slow but it sure isn't reason to sit down and relax.

Maybe you're just an obstacle. Sand trap, pond, BIG FUCKING DEER ANTLERS. But it's not your job to play spoiler, Deer. You're meant for eating people's gardens, causing car accidents and starring in motherfucking cartoons. Leave the golf to the professionals, Deer, or Bambi might have an unfortunate "accident."

Fuck You, Squirrel

What? You thought you'd get away with it, Squirrel?

You may be cute. Fans may think your act is adorable. But I know who you are, Squirrel. You're trouble with a capital FUCK YOU! Think you can do an army crawl into left field and not be detected. "Oooh, there's Shin-Soo Choo, better go into camouflage mode." You may be able to outrun the police and baseball players, but you won't get by me, you sneaky bastard.

It's all fun and games for you isn't, Squirrel? You eat your acorns, dance on telephone wires and interrupt baseball games. But life isn't always like that, you naïve fuck. There are real-life worries out there that you seem to have no regard for. Get back to me when you're balancing 60-hour work weeks, soccer practice and a mortgage.

Fuck You, Bird

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Take a fucking hint, Bird. We don't like you and you don't like us. People don't go get all up in your shit by sitting on telephone wires and FLYING THROUGH THE FUCKING AIR. So when you enter our space, we'll hit you with a MOTHERFUCKING BASEBALL and make you explode like fireworks.

Oh yeah, that was on purpose, Bird. Consider it a message from man to bird. We're watching you. You may be watching us from the sky, plotting to take over the world one public park at a time. But you're doomed. Stay the fuck up in the air where you belong, Bird, because hitting you with baseballs is just the start.

Fuck You, Phanatic

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Oh, you think you can pull off the, "I dunno, I'm just a silly mascot," look, Phanatic? WRONG, FUCKER.

That bewildered look, the sideways cap, the big belly might play nice with the fans but you don't fool me for a damn second. There's a word for a normal person who has those same qualities: FUCKING RETARDED!

You are like a big, green, dumb mascot who rode the short bus when you were younger. It's nice that you try to brush off your kind demeanor and general wackiness to an adoring fan base, but I can see right through you, Phanatic, and I don't like what I see.

Fuck You, Marlin

Fuck You, Penguin is officially the funniest site in the history of humor. So we're going to copy it as much as possible -- but in a sports way. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you don't think this is funny, well, you suck and once let your dog lick peanut butter off your penis.

Don't point at me, Marlin. I am not your friend. I will never be your friend. You don't have any real friends, YOU FUCKING PHONY.

You think you're so cool because of your googly eyes, gaping smile and baseball glove. But I'm on to, Marlin. Don't think I don't know that real marlins don't wear baseball gloves. And your whole two legs thing isn't fooling anyone.

Even your name is bullshit. Billy the Marlin. That's just inaccurate. Real marlins aren't called Billy or John or Frank. They have names like, "The Short One That Just Got Hooked By That Fucking Fisherman," "The One With Stripes," and "The Slow One With The Blue Tail That's Going To Get Eaten By The Great White Any Motherfucking Day."

So don't test me you two-legged asshole. I know who you are and what you stand for, Marlin, and I don't like it one bit.