Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So about the dentist
One of the worst ways to spend a day off? Go to the dentist.
There's a reason why dentists have a higher-than-normal suicide rate: they spend an entire day in someone's mouth and NOBODY FUCKING LIKES THEM.
Dentists are much like Meter Maids or Auditors -- they're always the fucking bad guy. Have you ever met someone who's like, "Ooh, I get to go to the dentist today! I'm going to bring them some peanut brittle and holiday wishes."
My dentist and dental hygienist are fine people. Nice, kind-spirited and great at small talk. But all my dentist and hygienist does is cause me pain.
Hygienist: I'm getting some bleeding.
Me: Really? Maybe it's because YOU'RE POKING ME WITH A SHARP FUCKING OBJECT!
I swallowed so much blood yesterday, I got a little weak. But when they give you that air tube to suck on, I fucking go after it the way a pornstar -- like the one above -- goes after a cock. Air has never been so satisfying. And when they swish a little water in there, I fucking lose it.
Of course they charge you an arm and leg for a trip, too. I coughed up nearly $300 dollars to get my gums violated with a dangerous weapon. And then the dentist looked at me for like 30 seconds:
Dentist: Are you taking any medication?
Dentist: Are you experiencing any pain?
Me: Aside from my gums feeling like they just went through a blender, no.
Dentist: All right, you're good to go.
That interaction cost 58 dollars.
The next thing you know, you're gonna have to start tipping. That'll be the day.
On the bright side, I got a new toothbrush. It's blue.