Tuesday, December 23, 2008

So about the dentist


One of the worst ways to spend a day off? Go to the dentist.

There's a reason why dentists have a higher-than-normal suicide rate: they spend an entire day in someone's mouth and NOBODY FUCKING LIKES THEM.

Dentists are much like Meter Maids or Auditors -- they're always the fucking bad guy. Have you ever met someone who's like, "Ooh, I get to go to the dentist today! I'm going to bring them some peanut brittle and holiday wishes."

My dentist and dental hygienist are fine people. Nice, kind-spirited and great at small talk. But all my dentist and hygienist does is cause me pain.

Hygienist: I'm getting some bleeding.
Me: Really? Maybe it's because YOU'RE POKING ME WITH A SHARP FUCKING OBJECT!

I swallowed so much blood yesterday, I got a little weak. But when they give you that air tube to suck on, I fucking go after it the way a pornstar -- like the one above -- goes after a cock. Air has never been so satisfying. And when they swish a little water in there, I fucking lose it.

Of course they charge you an arm and leg for a trip, too. I coughed up nearly $300 dollars to get my gums violated with a dangerous weapon. And then the dentist looked at me for like 30 seconds:

Dentist: Are you taking any medication?
Me: No.
Dentist: Are you experiencing any pain?
Me: Aside from my gums feeling like they just went through a blender, no.
Dentist: All right, you're good to go.

That interaction cost 58 dollars.

The next thing you know, you're gonna have to start tipping. That'll be the day.

On the bright side, I got a new toothbrush. It's blue.

4 comments:

GMoney said...

But the toothbrush that they give you was made in 1956. You pay them a thousand dollars for a teeth cleaning and they give you a 12 cent stick with bristles on it. I'm an anti-dentite.

Anonymous said...

Next time, try the dentists down by your grandparents. One of them had a hygenist that looked like Heather Locklear. She was fun to sit in a chair for. Then of course you would always try to look down her blouse as she bent over...

rstiles said...

To me, it seems like younger women like going to the dentist...

There were a couple of chicks that I knew who were all hot about the dentist because he was some young dude...

I hate when my dentist is looking in my mouth, and I could see a booger in his nose...

tabbycatso said...

Younger women or not....my dentist is a nice old man. Very clear on his intent and lets me know why the fuck I was in so much pain (and paid for it). I do look forward the dentist and appreciate him. -But I was excited to get braces- I take confidence in going there because I know that when all that pain and procaine wears off i'm going to have hot looking teeth. And teeth are one of those first things I look at in a guy. If he has nice teeth it tells me something about how he feels about health and taking care of his body. I care much more about that then the car he's got out back that leaving him in debt up to his ears.