[Editor's note: This will be a regular Friday feature at PlayboyU. It's molded after BDD's Jamboroo.]
The end is coming: Saturday is the last relatively-full slate of games for the season. Fuck. That.
We are nearing that time when Saturday's are barren of watchable TV. Come January, we'll be relegated to a few decent college basketball games and some NBA action that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a soup spoon. That fucking sucks my left nut.
I love sitting on the couch from 9 a.m.-9 p.m. in my California apartment, doing nothing but watching college football and playing with my junk. I can't think of a much better way to spend a Saturday. It's really great, and college football season is the only time I have a weekend full of doing, well, nothing.
Call me devoid of hobbies, but I'm like Peter from Office Space. When asked what he'd do with a million dollars, he says, "Nothing. I would relax...I would sit on my ass all day...I would do nothing."
That's me. I would also buy a strip club and make all the women felate me before being hired. But I would probably buy a strip club and then watch college football in the back all day (while being felated by possible new hires). And maybe peek in to the main stage area during halftime.
I just fucking love sitting on the couch watching college football. I really, really do. And now Winter is taking that away from me. Fuck you, Winter. Think you're cool cuz you got Christmas and New Year's and snow. Well fuck you. And fuck Daylight Savings. It shouldn't be dark at 4:30!
So this Saturday, your last day with a decent college football schedule, sit on the couch all day and do...nothing. You've earned it!
Games broken down on a one-to-four-bunny scale:
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it."
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games."
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
Champions are crowned on Saturdays. All times Eastern.
SEC Championship, No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 4 Florida at Atlanta, 4 p.m., CBS:
National Semifinal. Verne, Gary and the Wolf.
Um, five words come to mind: Game of the motherfucking Year. Not too many ways to sum this up in a non-Xs-and-Os kind of way.
If you skip this game to go shopping, do three things when you get home:
1. Go to the kitchen.
2. Get a serrated knife.
3. Cut off your nutsack.
Florida 24, Alabama 17.
Big 12 Championship, No. 2 Oklahoma vs. No. 20 Missouri at Kansas City, 8 p.m., ABC: By this point you've heard the news: Texas Longhorns fans are drinking more than usual (because they're sad) and Oklahoma Sooners fans are drinking more than usual (because they're happy). Booze is a helluva drug.
Oklahoma leaped past Texas in the latest BCS standings and is a Big 12 Championship game win over Missouri from playing in the BCS Championship game against the SEC winner. Meanwhile, Texas will be relegated to (likely) the Fiesta Bowl.
Texas beat Oklahoma 45-35 on a "neutral" (Cotton bowl in Dallas) field on Oct. 11.
After Oklahoma clobbered Texas Tech 65-21 on Nov. 22, the three-way tie in the Big 12 South between OU, Texas and Texas Tech really became the two-way race between Texas vs. Oklahoma.
So, how do you solve a tie-breaker? Head-to-head match up, right?
Texas beat Oklahoma.
But not so fast. Oklahoma has put up 60+ points in four-straight games, beat a good TCU squad and is the hot, trendy team, whatever that means.
Texas has been playing fine, but not flashy and has a decent win against Mizzou.
As far as shared opponents go, Oklahoma has clearly been the more impressive team, perhaps because Bob Stoops likes to run up the score more than Mack Brown.
But Texas beat Oklahoma!
If I had a vote (and I'm glad I don't), I probably would've gone with Oklahoma. Totally contradictory of this column, right? Shows how flip-floppy I am on this topic. The Sooners beat the shit out of teams and, objectively, I think they are a better team than Texas; if they play five games, OU wins three of them.
But Texas beat Oklahoma!
The only thing that's easy about this argument is that it wouldn't be an argument if the BCS wasn't so flawed and horrible and awful and responsible for the world's famine and disease.
So this year, Texas, you're on the short side of the BCS's proverbial stick. Don't be too upset. It'll happen to some one else next year. You can count on that. Oklahoma 49, Missouri 38.
ACC Championship, No. 17 Boston College vs. No. 25 Virginia Tech at Tampa, 1 p.m., ABC: After all the up-and-down in the ACC this year -- a conference that was constantly called bad but was really just balanced -- this is the game we get? This is about as attractive as an Indiana vs. Western Michigan contest in September. But someone's playing for a BCS bid. That's worth something. Boston College, 21, Virginia Tech 10.
No. 23 Pitt at UConn, noon, ESPN: Shouldn't there be a Big East championship game? If this was it, I would probably skip it. But for a morning game? I'll tune it to the second half. Pitt 20, UConn 14.
South Florida at West Virginia, 8 p.m., ESPN2.
Arizona at Arizona St., 8 pm, ESPN. This game is called the Duel in the Desert, but I don't think anyone actually calls it that. I'd prefer the "Cactus Bowl" or the "Copper State Brawl."
Arizona State is trying to become bowl eligible, by the way. The Sun Devils scored 34 points in their last game, exactly six of those coming on offense. Rudy Carpenter can eat a dick. Arizona 38, Arizona State. 19.
East Carolina at Tulsa, noon, ESPN2. This game would've meant something three games into the season. Too bad it's not. Tulsa 66, East Carolina 42.
No. 13 Cincinnati at Hawaii, 11:30 p.m., ESPN2.
Tailgate Beverage of the Week:
Irish Car Bomb (tits not included)
3/4 pint Guinness stout
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish cream
1/2 shot Jameson Irish whiskey
Add the Bailey's and Jameson to a shot glass, layering the Bailey's on the bottom. Pour the Guinness into a pint glass or beer mug 3/4 of the way full and let settle. Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and chug. If you don't drink it fast enough it will curdle and increasingly taste worse.
1. This drink is fucking awesome. And fun. And will fuck you like a Portuguese sex slave.
2. Take the last sentence of the directions seriously. When that shit curdles, you'll want to vomit in your mouth.
3. I'm told if you go to an Irish bar and order an "Irish Car Bomb" the bartender will look at you like you just took his 18-year-old sister's virginity. At an Irish bar, just ask for a "Car Bomb."
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote:
"i/mapaAqac*2a!3mxkho" (Go out there and play smash-mouth football.)
Bet It Hard:
The game you should bet your paycheck on.
Boston College over Virginia Tech (pick). No points on the board, so I'm following my gut and taking the Eagles to go BCSing. (Note: not a lot of attractive picks this week. Don't bet too much on any one game.)
2008 Bet It Hard Record: 6-2.
Pac-10 Player That I Want to Hang With a Fucking Jump Rope:
Tavita Pritchard (Stanford QB), Nic Grigsby (Arizona RB), Jeremiah Johnson (Oregon RB), Kerry Taylor (Arizona State WR), Vidal Hazelton (USC WR), Jamere Holland (Oregon WR), David Seawright/Giorgio Tavecchio (Cal PK), USC defense.
That's my entire Pac-10 fantasy team. A team that's gonna finish in fifth of 10 teams. You can all go choke on a double-headed dildo.
Playboy Babe of the Week:
When her parents named her, I'm pretty sure they knew she would turn into a triple-D, platinum blonde Internet model. How else do you explain Tawny? (If she was a pornstar, her name would be Tawny Foxxx.)
Google her for Jergens and Kleenex material.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games -- for the last time on one big, TV-filled day -- college football fans.