Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The NFL sucks, hot chicks at the gym and disappearing acts

I've harped on this plenty before, but the NFL's TV schedule is unbelievably bad. We're talking as few as three games televised on a Sunday. Fuck. That.

Sunday, I got the Eagles-Giants in the morning, then the Niners-Jets in the afternoon. There was the night game on NBC and that was my Sunday viewing schedule. There's something very wrong with that.

It's a rule that when your local team is at home, there can't a rival game televised. Stupid fucking rule, but a rule's a rule. OK, fine. No other afternoon game.

But for fuck's sake, why didn't I get a CBS game in the morning? When you can explain that to me and give me three good reasons why I shouldn't take out your knees with a lead pipe, I'll be remotely satisfied.

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Was at a bar Saturday and posed the question to some buddies: If you could bang a 40+-year-old celebrity, who would it be?

The question isn't all that tough right now because you have chicks like Halle Berry and Jennifer Aniston who are right around that 40 mark.

But, nonetheless, some good answers ensued:

-Diane Lane
-Catherine Zeta-Jones
-Suzanne Somers
-Jamie Lee Curtis

A few things:

1. I'm not sure why I posed that question.
2. I don't think Zeta-Jones is 40.
3. I said Suzanne Somers. I remembered her from Step by Step where she was totally a fox. I think she's had some work done since.
4. Jamie Lee Curtis once had male organs. Like balls. Or a huge, dangling cock. But she was way hot in True Lies. I wonder if Arnold saw her dong.

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Great day at the gym Sunday.

There's this blonde chick, maybe early 20s and looking like a total boner-popper. She was wearing those stretchy black pants that are major camel-toe magnets.

She also had a pretty good rack. And here's the catch. I think they were fakies, but I couldn't tell. AND I CAN ALWAYS FUCKING TELL!! I don't know why I couldn't tell, but they weren't huge, but made good cleavage in her tight black tank top and they didn't flop much.

This girl was playing right into my gym fantasies, too.

She couldn't stop jump roping! Loved it. She'd do a set on a machine, and then jump rope. Do some bicep curls, and then jump rope. And she has these magical tits and she keeps bouncing up and down. AWESOME!

And then she was doing squats. Basically was begging for me to stare at her ass. I kept looking for an underwear line, but with these ass-huggers, I don't know what type of underwear you could get under those.

Yeah. Great workout.

(If you need to walk away from your desk for five minutes and take care of some business, make sure to come back for the rest of this post).

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We can all agree that Tony Siragusa is wasted space, right? He's loud, obnoxious and brings nothing to the FOX telecast. Why he's there is still a mystery.

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I'm going to end Antonio Bryant's life with spatula. Un-fucking-believable.

I enter a key fantasy matchup -- with first place on the line -- up 25 points. I'm done, my buddy Josh at The Beautiful Game's got Bryant left. Scoring is a point for every 10 yards rushing or receiving and six for a TD.

Of course Bryant has the best night of his life (while making one of the prettiest catches we've seen in a while) and prevents me from the top spot as we enter the playoffs. I'm up 25 fucking points! He's got a guy left who didn't even play last year! FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK!

When you think you've got a sure win...

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The SEC Championship game. Clean, solid game, but not particularly exciting. Anyone with me?

There weren't a ton of big, game-changing plays and there wasn't a memorable comeback or anything like that.

It was like a fine, crisp game, but not that entertaining. I found myself turning to the USC-UCLA game instead, only to remind myself that I was turning away from a National Semifinal.

But for how good that game was supposed to be -- and for how good some analysts and talking heads are making it sound like -- it wasn't all that good.

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If you could make two people disappear in a non-violent way, who would it be?

I'd go with Joe Buck and Terry Bradshaw. Those two make me want to put my ears in a garbage disposal.

73 comments:

rstiles said...

I agree about Jamie Lee Curtis...back in the 1980s she was WAY hot...she was a babe...she used to show her rack...

Now she is all dyke-like with that damn butch haircut...

She is clearly a dyke...

Anonymous said...

Over 40....Paula Abdul

Demi Moore

and after wedding crashers...who doesn't want to motor boat Jane Seymore's titties.

Anonymous said...

Not sure what the rules are for NFL broadcasts, but in the NYC market on Sunday I got the Giants - Eagles early and both Jets - 49ers AND Dallas - Pittsburgh for the 4:00 slot.

Anonymous said...

Who needs to walk away from their desk? I can rub one out under my desk at will. Only been walked in on once, but she didn't mind.

JMC said...

the reason for that single early game is that for some reason (I have NO idea why) only one of the two networks gets to air a double header each week. At least I think that's the rule. So on Sunday, Fox was showing the double header, so we got the Fox game (PHI-NYG) in the morning, and then the afternoon game was blacked out because of the local game being on the other channel.

What was interesting, and I don't remember seeing before, is that after the Niner game ended, Fox showed the end of the DAL-PIT game which went a lot later than the Niner game.

Anyway, the rule is dumb, both networks should show a double header every Sunday, so even if one game gets blacked out, you always get two morning games, or whatever.

GMoney said...

I would bone Suzanne Somers three years after she dies. How many times do you think Patrick Duffy nailed that shit?

I was down in my playoffs last night and enjoyed Antonio Bryant's awesome performance. He is the best!

JMC said...

if it does nothing else, this post will confirm that Zach's girlfriend does not read this blog

The Big Picture said...

no she doesn't, but apparently my mother does. i got a lashing!

adam said...

ummm, HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Fox! She was on some horribly awful made-for-TV movie last night called "Flirting with Forty" and was banging some 20-something guy. That guy could've been me. If only I was a Maui surf instructor. Damn.

Bokolis said...

I would hope that there were no broads in the bar because, if you dudes are going on about which 40 year olds you'd bang in a bar full of birds, there's a problem.

Clue us in on your creep staring techniques...straight on, off the mirror, off TWO mirrors?

I used to run a gym way back. The broads would constantly complain about catching dudes creep staring. Strangely, they didn't mind when I would have this discussion with their breasts. Apparently, they didn't mind that guys looked. They just hated to catch dudes staring off the mirror.

Not that I could blame the muthafuckas. We had a (90-degree) inverted leg press machine...good sight lines and all and you'd get a free glance on the negative. Forget camel toe; you'd get a strip club-quality view of the whole mound. And, when some of them got a little dewy down there, you could tell how long it had been since they last shaved.

Bazooka Jones said...

I almost did have to walk it off a lil... assholes.

I'd off Peter Angelos for sure and probably then Dick Vitale.

GM said...

personally I would get rid of John Madden and Al Michaels.

The Big Picture said...

wow, bokolis, that's some great shit!

i usually just am blatant. sometimes, like when their backs are turned, i just really get up close...and do the casual walk by to go to the drinking fountain/masturbate.

Mr. Cheekz said...

No Salma Hayek or Jennifer Tilly? Just more for me, thanks.

Mberenis said...

I'd like to be that workout bench. :)


Great blog! Check out mine sometime ;-)

http://nfl-merchandise.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Vanna White

Salma Hayek

Any of the Desperate Housewives, expecially Marcia Cross...I love Red Heads...and I know she is a natural redhead.

The Beautiful Game said...

antonio bryant mothersucker!

Anonymous said...

SALMA HAYEK ON THE SINBAD SHOW WAS CRAZY. ALL DAT ASS

The Big Picture said...

Salma is especially fine.

Halle Berry, believe it or not, is 42.

Courtney Cox is 44.

I'm sure there are more

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