Monday, September 15, 2008
It's the SEC, Big 12, USC and everybody else
Fucking love college football, even when it bends you over a guardrail and shoves a garden hoe in your ass.
We spent about 12 hours Saturday on the couch, watching multiple games, penis in hand (literally, at times) and screaming at the TV how our Pac-10 fantasy team is fucking terrible. (Stanford's Tavita Pritchard is our QB. What the fuck were we thinking?)
While Saturday's results were unkind to our rooting interest, the nation learned a lot:
USC could beat the Miami Dolphins
Jesus Christ! We knew Ohio State was a joke, but Beanie Wells plays, the outcome is the same. USC beat the shit out of what most people thought was a top-five program -- and what will be a BCS bowl team -- and did so with America watching.
College football now knows that the only team that can beat USC is USC.
The rest of the Pac-10 is not good
Mountain West > Pac-10.
Sad, but true.
Thanks to SI's Stewart Mandel, one of the country's best college football writers, we know that the MWC and Pac-10 went heads up in four games Saturday and the Mountain West won all of them.
Way for the Pac to flex its muscle. Shit. UCLA was embarrassed more than a second-grader who shit himself in class, ASU got caught looking ahead to Georgia, New Mexico surprised Arizona and TCU beat Stanford and Tavita Pritchard who is a fuck-cunt.
Oregon, the lone bright spot Saturday besides USC, somehow left West Lafayette, IN. with a win, but looked anything but impressive. Where'd the offense go against a middle-of-the-road Big 10 team?
It took Cal three quarters to show up against a Maryland team that had struggled with Delaware and lost to Middle Tennessee. But it was too late and the Bears lost...to fucking Maryland!
A Bears team that beat Washington State 66-3 the previous week. The Cougs, meanwhile, got blown out by Baylor, which isn't good at anything.
Washington State might be the worst team in the country. We're not kidding.
And the Huskies. Boy, the Huskies...
Here's how our conversation with our brother went when debating to go to the UW-Oklahoma game:
Him: Wanna go to the Dawgs game?
Us: Maybe. How much?
Him: Should I get them or not?
Us: Well, OU is going to go up 7-0. Then we're gonna to say, "Hey, only down a touchdown. Still in it."
Us: Then the Sooners are going to score again and we're gonna be like, "Just 14. If we score on this possession..."
Us: Then they're going to go up by three scores and we're gonna be like, "Fuck."
The Sooners were leading 20-0 with 9:45 left in the second quarter. Call us bad fans, but we would have spent $50 to enjoy the game long enough for two quick pulls from the flask; not going was the best decision we made all weekend.
Aside from the SEC, the Big 12 is the only legit conference
It's been established that the Big East is no longer a real conference (West Virginia goes whoops, South Florida is South Florida and Rutgers...Rutgers. WTF?)
It's been established that the ACC is no longer a real conference (Week 1: Clemson goes whoops, Virginia Tech goes whoops; Week 2: Miami shows it can't compete with Florida. Week 3: Maryland (and Wake, we suppose) emerge as the teams to beat. Daunting.)
The Big 10 is bad and terrible and we hate it. Michigan, Ohio State, Purdue all lose big games and Wisconsin escapes in what was an entertaining game with Fresno State.
Perhaps the Mountain West should be getting an automatic BCS bowl berth. Just sayin'.