Here's the thing about the SEC: it's such a fucking good conference, that you have a showdown of two top-10 teams like every other week.
I've been to Louisiana and once saw an LSU game in Baton Rouge. Fucking different breed down there. It was a 7 p.m. game against Houston in like 2001. LSU was lousy that year and you saw all sorts of signs trying to fire the current coach. The best sign: DiNardo must Geaux.
Despite the Tigers being lame and it being a non-conference game with a lamer Cougars squad, the tailgate was crazy. All day, homemade gumbo, more booze than a fucking alcohol warehouse...it was a great experience.
I've seen typical tailgating on the University of Washington campus and it's fine and people can drink with the best of them up here, but, man, the South is different.
Most games down there are starting at 3:30 p.m. or later and people are up at 7 a.m. going to town on Bloody Mary's and bourbon. Love it!
Which brings us to Saturday's games.
I'll break down some of the day's games on a one-to-four bunny scale of watch-ability.
Four bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not have sex. Do not watch House re-runs. Turn the fucking channel to this game and watch it.
Three bunnies means: "Do not go out. Do not watch House re-runs. If sex is an option, absolutely do not turn it down. Do it twice. But unless you're knockin' boots, watch these games.
Two bunnies means: Eh, if it's pissing rain and your girlfriend is shopping, it's not a bad option.
One bunny means: You've never touched a girl. You're allergic to the sun. Porn doesn't do it for you. You wanna prove that you can, in fact, sit on your ass and watch college football for 12 hours.
So here we go. All times Eastern.
No. 6 LSU at No. 10 Auburn, 7:45 p.m., ESPN: Like I've said now seven times, I fucking love the SEC and get a mild hard-on for night games down south. This one features two stellar defenses and two offenses that will make you want to tear out your pubes one at a time. It is very realistic that the winning team could score six points, much like when LSU beat Auburn 6-3 a few years back. Same deal. Atrocious offense, great defense. Defense wins championships, right? LSU 10, Auburn 6.
No. 3 Georgia at Arizona St., 8 p.m., ABC: The forecast in Tempe calls for 97 degrees. Fucking hell! That's kind of what Tempe's like. It's like a hot, devil-free hell. Will Matthew Stafford be able to throw the ball in 97-degree heat? Can Knowshon Moreno get 150+ yards and a score? I think yes. And I also think Dennis Erickson's face might fall off. Like the dude from Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.
The Sun Devils' loss last week was no good -- and probably a sign of things to come. It'll be an electric crowd, but I like the SEC over the Pac-10 any day. Georgia 28, Arizona State 17.
No. 18 Wake Forest at No. 24 Florida State, 7 p.m., ESPN 2: On a weekend with few marquee match ups, two ranked teams playing might get four-bunny status. But shit, I just can't get excited about the ACC. Either of the teams could win the league and be a bottom-tier team in the SEC. The Deacon's Riley Skinner has been in college for like nine years, but nevertheless, he's a pretty decent quarterback. Florida State, meanwhile, hasn't had a decent passer since Chris Weinke, who appears to be approaching his mid-50s. Wake Forest 21, Florida State 17.
No. 4 Florida at Tennessee, 3:30 p.m., CBS: I fucking love the SEC on CBS because I get to listen to Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson and see the lovely Tracy Wolfson. Great crew.
I honestly think that Florida, on its best day, is the country's top team. But Percy Harvin's been banged up and Tim Tebow hasn't quite been at his 2007 Heisman form. Neyland Stadium will be rockin' and trying to chomp on some Gator...but can the Vols get their QB situation in order? Florida 35, Tennessee 20.
Notre Dame at Michigan State, 3:30, ABC: Already touched on this one, but I have a two-word reminder for you: Javon Ringer. (And Charlie Weis' knee has been through a fucking meat grinder. That won't have any impact on the game, though). Michigan State 21, Notre Dame 13.
Boise State at No. 17 Oregon, 3:30 p.m., FSN?: One of the better games on the West Coast, the Duckies are down to their third-string QB but still have a solid offense. At home, against a worse-than-normal Broncos team, gotta go with the Pac-10 in this one. Oregon 34, Boise State 24.
No. 20 Utah at Airforce, 4:00 p.m., TV?
No. 9 Alabama at Arkansas, 12:30 p.m., Gameplan.
Arizona at UCLA, 3 p.m., FSN?: The Wildcats lost to New Mexico. UCLA lost 59-0. 59-0!
Miami at Texas A&M, 3:30 p.m., ABC
Tailgate Beverage of the Week
Long Island Iced Teas. No reason to fuck around on game day.
1 part vodka
1 part tequila
1 part rum
1 part gin
1 part triple sec
1 1/2 parts sweet and sour mix
1 splash Coca-Cola®
Ladies, feel free to substitute Ocean Spray Cranberry for the Coke and make a Long Beach Iced Tea.
Lou Holtz Pep-Talk Quote
"dkjljplkz&ooipqpx@*al,mzii_`mxkoi" (Run first, pass second).
Playboy Babe of the Week:
Ohio State's Jamie Graham. A PBU member and Girl of the Big 10.
College football and Playboy. What could be better? Enjoy the games, knuckleheads.