Vince Young: 'Yeah, I'm that dumb'

INDIANAPOLIS -- Texas quarterback Vince Young is rumored to have scored a six on his Wonderlic test, which is well below the average.

But reports have surfaced that Young is not phased that he did poorly on the intelligence test.

"I fucked that thing right up," said Young, who's thought to be a top-five pick. "It don't matter how smart I am, as long as I can play."

While sending a poor message to the youth of America, Young has a point.

Last year's top overall pick, Alex Smith, scored a 40 out of a possible 50 points on his test.

"Alex be real smart," said Young, illiterate. "But look at him. He suck. Suck shit. I whoop 'is ass."

USC's Matt Leinart, also a projected top-five pick, scored a 35 on his exam.

"There were no ballroom dancing questions," said Leinart.

(Laughter).

"But still, I'm a smart guy. And fucking great looking."

"He ain't smart," responded Young. "He's a dumb cracker-ass bitch."

Reporters were not sure what a "cracker-ass bitch" was, but Young said that it is not served with soup at the local diner.

In other news: Kevin Garnett has been fined $5,000 for throwing his soft drink on Ron Artest.

White Sox GM: 'He's an idiot'

TUCSON, Ariz. -- Former Chicago White Sox slugger, Frank Thomas, and White Sox GM, Kenny Williams, are having an elementary-school fight.

"He's an idiot. He's selfish. That's why we don't miss him," Williams told the Associated Press.

Despite signing with the Oakland Athletics last month, Thomas has made it clear that he didn't appreciate the way his 16-year run with the White Sox ended.

"He's a dickhead," said Thomas of his former GM. "I mean, here I am, the 'big fucking hurt.' And this guy just shoves me aside like he doesn't know I've won two MVPs."

Williams is unhappy that Thomas is still talking about his former team.

"He just needs to move on," said Williams. "He can't keep living in the past. Sure he was great -- he was a true star in this league -- but shit, when was the last time he did anything productive?"

Thomas hit .219 with 12 homers in 105 at-bats last season and was hampered by a bad foot and ankle.

"I'm healthy now," said Thomas. "Real healthy. Just ask any cute girl in the Bay (Area) if I'm healthy. They'll say, "ya, he healthy all right.'"

They don't call him the "Big Hurt" for nothing.

In other news: Sources say that those scoring Vince Young's Wonderlic test are from the state of Florida.

The future of the University of Washington

This kid is our hero. Go Dawgs!

Nolan: 'It's like winning the lottery'

SAN FRANCISCO -- It won't show up in the standings, but give the 49ers a "victory."

By virtue of identical 4-12 records and the same opponents' winning percentage (.539), the Raiders and 49ers tied for sixth and seventh in draft order. The tie was broken Friday with the coin flip, as San Francisco vice president of player personnel Scot McCloughan won with a call of "tails."

"This is huge," said an ecstatic Mike Nolan. "I mean, we're going to fucking stink next year, but now we'll stink a bit less."

The 49ers drafted first overall in last year's draft and took quarterback Young Alex Smith.

"It puts us one slot ahead of where we might have been and we can take a player we have our eye on," McCloughan told ESPN's Len Pasquarelli.

The 49ers are eyeing Virginia tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk, and Maryland tight end Vernon Davis.

Added Nolan: "And that player has gotta be D'Brick. C'mon, his fucking name is D'Brickashaw! I'm not letting the front office fuck up the draft again and pull an Alex Smith Part Two. I just won't have any of it."

San Francisco was in position to have the first overall pick in April's draft for the second straight year with two games to play, but then the 49ers won two in a row, sliding down to sixth.

"I look back on those two wins at the end of the season and I know we shot ourselves in the foot," said Nolan. But I've never won the lottery and now I know the feeling. Going from seventh to sixth is the closest thing to winning I've ever felt. I don't give a shit about those two wins now. This just feels incredible."

Norv Turner update: The 49ers have moved up to the sixth selection and Norv Turner will be right there to help blow the pick.

Rainman scores 20 points, babes

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kobe Bryant plays QB at Navy

Not really, of course, but this story screams Kobe and Eagle County, Colorado.

According to the hardworking folks at the Associated Press, Lamar Owens, quarterback of Navy's 2005 football squad, has been charged with raping a female midshipmen last month in her dorm room.

Now this isn't just another case of an athlete breaking the law. Because this little mishap went down on what they're calling "academy grounds," Owens was charged under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and the investigation is being handled by the Naval Criminal Investigation Service (NCIS) -- you know, like the TV show.

It's not clear what the punishment will be, but, if convicted, maybe he'll be like deported or something.

The more we think about this, the more we think that this is

1. Terrible and
2. Who would be hot enough to nail at the Naval Academy? G.I. Jane hanging out there now?

This post was financed by Kobe Bryant and his PR group.

The best student sections

Our former employers at SI On Campus have come out with a list of the top-10 student sections in college basketball.

Normally we wouldn't give a shit about this, but our very own Washington Huskies clock in at #8 in the country. Also, the douche bag who wrote about the Huskies' Dawg Pack is this guy we kind of know and is mind-blowingly handsome.

We won't publish the list, because that's, well, probably illegal, but check out the link above.

Looking at the compilation, we had some gripes with it, aside from UW not being #1, of course. For instance, Rutgers is #7 on the list. Until now, we didn't know that Rutgers actually had a basketball team.

Florida comes in at #5. Why? Not too sure here. But we do know that their court looks like something the fucking Harlem Globetrotters would play on.

Naturally Duke and the "Cameron Crazies" were the top student section and pretty much for good reason. A great student section, but it's Duke after all, so screw 'em.

In other news: New York Knicks' GM Isiah Thomas admitted that he traded for Steve Francis because it was the closest thing to actually murdering Larry Brown.

Mother beats the shit out of polar bear

IVUJIVIK, Quebec — Lydia Angyiou, a woman, mother and Canadien, just kicked the shit out of a polar bear.

Apparently some polar bear was "sizing up" her son (like to eat him, not mate with him) when Angyiou decided to take matters into her own hands and go all Bruce Lee on this poor polar bear.

According to the terribly written story, Angyiou told the children who were playing hockey in the street to run for the hills, and then raced around to get between the bear and her son. Then she started kicking and punching the animal.

(Somewhat relevant aside: we're not sure if the writer of this story, Paul Waldie, is half-retarded or just Canadian, but we'll figure that it's a combination of both. Read the story and drop off a comment telling us your thoughts on the author's troubled background).

The woman apparently took some licks from the bear, but she somehow persevered and made it out in one piece. It's not certain whether or not either the bear or woman lost control of their respective bowels and shat all over themselves -- a la Grizzly Man -- but to lighten the mood, let's just assume they did.

This is fucking savage on far too many levels to possibly elaborate. Guess this is the kind of stuff that goes down when you live in rural Canada. The name of the city, by the way, is not a typo.

We're not exactly sure what makes this a sports story, but ESPN.com picked it up, so we thought, "why the hell not?"

Eventually some of the town folk shot and killed the bear, so we think bears everywhere, including those in Chicago, are out for revenge. Watch out Ivujivik, Quebec.

This post was brought to you by Paul Waldie: coming up with horribly written stories one polar bear at a time.

Cohen wins short program, joins Team Germany

U.S. figure skater Sasha Cohen is having an identity crisis.

Tuesday night in Torino (which was probably sometime yesterday between when you were pondering suicide in your board meeting and checking out provocative pictures of Jenn Sterger) Cohen slipped past world champion Irina Slutskaya of Russia by a slim margin of .03 points in women's figure skating.

Cohen is from America, claims she's American and looks American. But for some reason she just likes Germany. Perhaps she was a fan of the Third Reich or something, which seems a bit bizarre seeing as her last name is Cohen and all.

"I just believed in myself," Cohen said. "I am going to believe in myself and expect the best."

She just may choose to believe that she was born to German people who ate nothing but bratwurst and drank hefeweizen.

Sources in Torino say that Hitler wasn't in the audience rooting on Cohen because, he's, ugh, dead. But beyond the grave, Hitler gave Cohen his full support, and she gave him, and the rest of the German nation, a cheerful salute.

Editor's note: We here at The Big Picture are Jewish and find this to be humerous and certainly do not intend for it to be offensive. But if you, the reader, finds this any bit offensive, please let us know and we'll see about taking this post down.

In other news: UConn avoided a big upset from Notre Dame after Huskies' coach Jim Calhoun ate Charlie Weis.

America's role models? Ugh, sorta, kinda

Last week was not a good one for the role models of America, known in some A.A. meetings as athletes.

Taking it from the top, former MLB slugger Albert Belle was arrested last Thursday for stalking his ex-girlfriend. We’re not exactly sure why a rich, famous, former star athlete would have to resort to stalking women to get laid, but perhaps his bat wasn’t corked, if you know what we mean. Ironically, Belle was busted for corking his bat in 1994 while with the Cleveland Indians. After he retired in 2000, Prince Albert moved to Arizona where he added a DUI to his résumé in 2002.

Belle was never exactly the fan-favorite and the best guy for the Indians’ marketing team to, ugh, market, but still…stalking an old girlfriend? Even we think that’s pretty fucked up.

Then on Sunday, there were two big events in the crazy, psychopathic and hazy world that we’ve come to know as sports. (And we’re certainly not talking about the NBA All-Star game, which, by the way, we have a hard time calling anything but “recess”).

First, NFL running back and star of the film Cheech and Chong: kites are high, then there’s us, Ricky Williams, violated the NFL’s substance abuse policy by testing positive for an illegal substance according to the fine folks at the Miami Herald. Because this is Williams’ fourth violation, he may be suspended for the entire 2006 season. (The previous three instances were marijuana-related, so we’ll go out on a limb and say this fourth violation was also for pot. Just a hunch).

Williams has been spending time in Northern California and India doing some yoga training, which, in itself, screams, "What the fuck?!". But despite the numerous publications and websites reporting this whole yoga thing, we just don’t buy it. We think Williams is somewhere in the Himalayas, shooting for his new movie, 7 years in Tibet and 18 bong rips later..., and shooting the breeze with some monks.

Also on Sunday, everybody’s favorite steroid pumping, homerun hitting, soap opera star Barry Bonds, made the news. This time, he told USA Today that he was going to retire after the 2006 season. Then Giants’ PR people whispered in Barry’s ear that he shouldn’t have said that and if he retracts the statement, they’d give him an extra Oreo at snack time. Because he’s so fond of Oreo cookies, Bonds then told MLB.com a few hours later that he may play in 2007 if his body holds up.

No one ever seems to know what is going on in Barry’s mind – and now he may not even know. He told MLB.com,

“I’m playing psychological games with myself right now. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment if things don’t work out this season. So I go back and forth. Back and forth every day. These are the things that are going through my mind. This is what I’m struggling with.”

We’ll admit that we’re very biased towards the Giants and really like when Barry hits homeruns. But quotes like this are just disturbing. It’s never clear what is going on in that large head of his, but if we could peek inside, we’d bet that Cirque du Soleil would be performing while unicorns and other fictitious animals, like a Minotaur, perhaps, looked on.

Children everywhere are rumored to view athletes as role models. But the way these chumps have been acting, maybe they should find some new idols – their parents would be a good place to start. Sure, there are many athletes who do good things for the community, donate to charity and sign an occasional autograph, but all these athletes really do is play sports. It’s not like they save the world or anything...but hey, with Belle chasing women, Williams taking hits on and off the field and Bonds’ mental games, maybe they think they can, in fact, save the world.

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news:The U.S. women's hockey team won the bronze medal after beating Emilio Estevez and the Mighty Ducks, 4-0.

Different jersey, same results

Nate Robinson is the biggest little guy playing in the NBA. The 5-9 guard (who is more like 5-7) straight outta the revered University of Washington has made history by beating the shit out of three other NBA players who are nearly a full foot taller than him.

Nate was, well, great. He had a good bounce pass to himself to start the festivities and then, for the grande finale, he didn't jump over a thoroughbred like we suggested earlier this month, but he did jump over Spud Webb, who, like Nate, is hung like a thoroughbred.

Now we're not big fans of the NBA. We could list off many reasons why we think the NBA is comparable to orthodonture, but we'll save you the time, energy and anger. But our boy Nate (who, on a dark and gloomy day two years back offered us some popcorn while we interviewed him) is really the only reason we know that the Knicks are having a tough year and, frankly, the only reason we know what the fuck a Knickerbocker is.

When Webb was asked about what it meant for Nate to win the dunk contest, he said, "He doesn't know what he did tonight. He made history. One day he can tell his kids about this."


Thing is Mr. Webb, Nate probably did tell his kid about it. Being the stallion he is, Nate has a 16-month-old son, named Nahmier. We don't have it on paper, but sources say that Nahmier is bigger UW Huskies' fan than Knicks' fan.

Smart kid.

Nate was awarded $35,000 for his victory. He plans to save some of the money and spend the rest on brand new Husky gear for Nahmier.

In other news: U.S. skier Bode Miller missed another chance to win a medal in the super-G after he failed to make a proper turn and instead headed for the nearest bar.

Trees drink more than water

It's been a tough couple of months for Stanford University.

Not only does the men's basketball team suck this year, but the esteemed school was recently busted for taking football recruits to a gentlemen's club (code word for sleazy titty-bar), and now the Stanford mascot, the famed Tree, has been caught, fired, and tarred and feathered for being toe-up-drunk at a Stanford basketball game last week against Cal.

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, fifth-year senior Erin Lashnits, who dresses as a tree for the university's irreverent band, was stripped of her duties last week after her blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.157.

Wow! In California, legally drunk is .08 and this broad blew nearly twice that. (We think...math isn't exactly our strong point). This gal hit the bottle early and often and late and often. We're surprised she didn't actually try to start playing in the game or, at the very least, blow chunks in the costume. That would've made for a lovely clean-up.

Often articles in a major paper like The Chronicle are accurate, but we just have this gut feeling that Eddie Sutton somehow made his way to the Bay Area last week and put on that silly suit.

Read more about The Tree going to town on the bottle here, and a funnier version here.

In other, more ironic news: BetUS.com has put down 6-1 odds that Rick Tocchet will be convicted on charges of promoting gambling and conspiracy to run a sports gambling operation.

(Thanks to the all-powerful Mighty MJD for that).

Eddie Sutton takes medical leave, drugs

Oklahoma State basketball coach Eddie Sutton is no longer the Oklahoma State basketball coach.

After a car accident last week, where he was cited for driving under the influence (influence of whiskey is our guess), Sutton, 69, has decided to take a medical leave and enter a treatment facility for alcohol-related issues. His son, Sean, will take over for the Cowboys.

The Mighty MJD, in addition to running a sports blog, appears be diving into fortune telling as well. He saw this coming a few days ago.

It's sad to see a legend in college hoops go out like this. He's coached for 36 years, is the fifth winningest coach in D-I history, and went to two Final Fours with OK State. But, based on his admitted drinking problem, we're not so sure he remembers too many of those 36 years anyway.

Just looking at the picture of Sutton, it appears that the man probably drinks about a bottle of Jack Daniel's a day. And, on game days, he likely takes a few bong rips during warm ups too. You know, for his chronic back pain that was "making it very difficult to coach."

You never want to see someone go out like this, but the Cowboys (3-8 Big-12, 13-12 overall) suck this year. Their best player is JamesOn Curry who carries the nickname "James On Drugs" in opposing arenas. Apparently opposing fans could have created a similar nickname for the coach. But taking a leave will give Sutton more time in his day to relax and to perhaps start fucking around with some hard drugs.

In other news: The Trail Blazers fined guard Sebastian Telfair on Wednesday after a loaded gun was found on the team's private jet. Telfair says that he planned to use the gun to "hunt quail."

What to read while the SI Swimsuit Issue is making your penis disappear

There are many, many blogs out there. Sometimes it's overwhelming to sort through them all and find the real good stuff, but we've compiled quite a nice list of sites for you to check out (after you first read the latest work of genius here, of course). So while you're biding your time before the next meeting (or hey, during the meeting) check out these fun reads...


*The Hater Nation - NFL Adam and the Hater Gang aren't really into the NHL, but dammit, they're sure trying.

*The Sports Pulse - Your #1 source for coverage of the Winter Games. Not really, but it's more entertaining than all that other shit.

*Deadspin - Will and the crew over in NYC were really into penises yesterday. We're not sure why.

*Sports Blah - They think the Olympics are boring. So do we.

*The Mighty MJD - He's strong, he's powerful, he's mighty...he's soft for Peter King?

*Insomniac's Lounge - More solid Olympics' coverage here, but with pretty pictures.

SI Swimsuit Issue causes boys everywhere to go gay

In the spirit of Valentine's Day or something, Sports Illustrated came out with their annual swimsuit issue yesterday.

Ours came right on schedule and we took a quick peek and were not particularly entertained. The women opted to leave their tops at home this year and went with their hands and flowers as coverage instead. That was kinda cool, we suppose.

But the SI Swimsuit Issue just isn't the same anymore. It's not so much that the quality has gone down, but the competition has gone way up. Magazines like Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Cheri, Barely Legal, Hot Asian Bitches, Bimbos doing Broncos, I Can't Believe They're Allowed To Publish This Crap, and Backdoor Blondes have nearly rendered the swimsuit issue useless.

It's still a thrill for young boys whose parents subscribe to SI. It's not like it's easy for an 8-year-old to get porn, but for the other folks out there, seeing Molly Sims in a $30 million bikini isn't all that worth while when you can hop on your computer and see chicks being naughty with animals.

Hell, you could always go look at Jenn Sterger and Friends for free.

Norv Turner Update: It's late on Valentine's Day and our main hombre, Norv Turner, still has a job with the 49ers.

Hating Fox Sports, Part 5: NASCAR

Take your Ford Taurus, pull it out of the driveway, take it around the corner, and speed -- say 45 MPH in a 25 MPH-zone -- and you have NASCAR in a nutshell.

It's one thing that NASCAR is boring as hell. C'mon, cars spend a couple of hours driving in a fucking circle while backwoods hicks look on and pass the time by flirting with their sister. NASCAR is one of those things that cater to the type of people who own guns and bang their siblings. Just gross.

And Fox, out of all stations, broadcasts this event. (NASCAR is by no means a sport). The races are seldom exciting and the stars, such as Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., are nearly as hick-like as the folks who are watching them go in circles. Apparently the commentators of this monstrosity are none too good either. Monkey Outta Nowhere had this to say about Fox's coverage:

"They were full of hick sayings, bad metaphors, and just plain poor coverage."

NASCAR is an unsophisticated, unintelligent, gun-bearing social gathering. And Fox is right there to bring it to your living room. http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Don't get too dizzy.


Read more about how Fox Sports sucks here, here, here and here.


In other news: American skier Bode Miller was disqualified from the Alpine combined Tuesday for straddling Michelle Kwan.

81 points apparently gets you endorsements

Sticking with the theme of being untimely, here's another story from last week that we have just discovered. Well, it's more like something we've just finally seen.

The all powerful Mighty MJD brought this to our attention while he was fading Sea Breezes and popping Vicodin like M&M's while being the weekend guy over at Deadspin. Kobe Bryant, the man who scored 81 points, and didn't even get laid the same night (so we think), is back doing TV ads.

His latest is a commercial for Nike where we think he's trying to sell his image opposed to, say, a shoe. Here's what Kobe actually says on the commercial:

"Love me or hate me, it’s one or the other. Always has been. Hate my game, my swagger. Hate my fadeaway, my hunger. Hate that I’m a veteran. A champion. Hate that. Hate it with all your heart. And hate that I’m loved, for the exact same reasons."

We here at The Big Picture do hate Kobe because, yes, he's successful, rich and plays for the Lakers. But it seems like he's missing a key reason why people hate him.

Perhaps his feud with Shaq? Nah.

His lack of a college education? Sorta, but not really.

His unethical behavior in Eagle, Colorado? Oh yeah. That's it.

We suppose it would be bad advertising and all, but the commercial would've been more accurate if it said something like, "Hate me because I fucking raped a woman and didn't go to jail."

Yeah, probably not the best way to market a player.

In other news: Oklahoma State basketball coach Eddie Sutton was injured in a car accident last weekend after going on a drunken joy ride with LeBron James' mother.

Monday Night Football has new, balder look

This story is now nearly a week old. and thus untimely, but that’s how The Big Picture rolls: a week late and few hundred bucks short.

For those of you who don’t keep up with the rumors and gossip of the broadcast world, Monday Night Football is moving from ABC to ESPN next season and will have a new look. Al Michaels, the face (better yet, the voice) of MNF for the past couple of decades is out, and in comes Screamin’ Mike Tirico to call the play-by-play. Joining Screamin’ Mike will be Joe Theismann (who has been calling ESPN’s Sunday Night game for several years) and Washington Post columnist and Pardon the Interruption host, Tony Kornheiser.

Let’s do some analyzing of the analysts, shall we?

First off, we’re sad -- in fact we’re devastated -- that Mike Patrick, who was the play-by-play announcer for Sunday Night Football, will no longer be calling NFL games for ESPN. We love Patrick and think that he could make the most boring plays exciting. He will be missed greatly.

But Screamin’ Mike isn’t bad. He’s no Patrick, but he’s not bad. Screamin’ Mike can make a dull game pretty exciting because, when listening to Tirico, every play sounds like a big play. For example, on first and ten, Shaun Alexander could run an off-tackle for three yards and Screamin’ Mike would, well, scream so loud that you’d be worried that he was about to have a heart attack. (The false excitement is a good thing, by the way). In our minds, energy equals entertainment and it’s not like we’re watching football for educational purposes.

As for Theismann, he’s been on ESPN for a while and we don’t really have any problems with him. He occasionally will have some good insight and rarely will give you a comment like, “The team who scores more points will win.” That’s for the dickheads over at Fox to do.

Then we get to Kornheiser who’s the oddball, curve ball, eight ball, magic eight ball, black eight ball (holla!), screwball and black sheep of the group.

Kornheiser, bald, is a sports writer who took his wit, humor and smooth head to ESPN a few years back and buddied up with fellow Post sports columnist Michael Wilbon to do a sports talk show, Pardon the Interruption. His success has apparently led to bigger and better things – like calling football games. We’re not exactly sure what Kornheiser, serving as an analyst, will bring to MNF. He’ll probably be a mix between Dennis Miller and Theismann, in that he’s funny and witty, and kind of knows football.

We’re a bit skeptical about Kornheiser because he’s, you know, a writer opposed to an ex-football player. He likely doesn’t know the game as well as a former player and doesn’t have the same experience playing on the field and showering naked with teammates in the locker room. But we think Kornheiser’s funny, smart and a bit offbeat, and we like that kind of stuff. We think he’ll make for an interesting analyst.

As for Al Michaels, he had to get out of his contract with ABC to head over to NBC with partner John Madden. They’ll have the call on the new Sunday Night game on that network next season.

But this is the best part: in order to get released from his contract with ABC (which is owned by Disney) Michaels was traded to NBC for rights to broadcast Friday coverage of the next four Ryder Cups, “increased usage of Olympic highlights,” and the rights to this cartoon character called Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, who starred (starred?) in silent Disney cartoons back in the days before the invention of hearing. (Lucky Rabbit, not affiliated with Trix cereal, was an early version of Mickey Mouse or something).

We think this is one of the funniest, most fucked up things to ever happen and we swear we’re not making it up. Yes, Al Michaels, as in “Do you believe in miracles” was traded for a cartoon.

Priceless.

Sorry for the tangent, but some things are too good to leave out. Anyways, I’m out of space, time and luck. Check out Screamin’ Mike, Joe T. and Tony Kornhole next year on Monday Night Football and see for yourself how the trio turns out. (Oh, and seeing Kornheiser’s bald head won’t actually make you go bald. We don’t think, anyway).

This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.

In other news: Vice President Dick Cheney accidently shot a man while hunting yesterday at a Virginia McDonald's.

SI.com gives out columns like Halloween Candy

Everyone's favorite Florida State fan, Jenn Sterger, has a new gig.

Aside from posing for upcoming spreads in Maxim and Playboy, the FSU "Cowgirl" now has a weekly column on SI.com. (Okay, it's SI On Campus, but still...). Coincidentally, we used to do some work for the nice fellows over at SIOC.

For those of you not yet familiar with Jenn, she's just a regular college student at Florida State. Well, sort of. Since she was spotted on TV at the FSU vs. Miami game wearing a ripped up Seminoles T-shirt that made her look more like a stripper than a, you know, fan, she's taken her 15 minutes of fame to a new level. She's all over the college website The Facebook, has done interviews with other bloggers and now this SI.com thing.

Jenn claims to know lots about sports and is just like every college kid by wearing PJs to class and watching Sportscenter. Sure. Ok. We're with ya, Jenn.

The column, cleverly titled "Dear Cowgirl" will not only talk about herself, but will also take questions from SI.com readers about sports, relationships and life with fake tits. We haven't seen any of the questions yet, but the clever minds of The Big Picture can always speculate:

Dear Jenn,

So, um, go 'Noles. Hey love the column, but quick question: What exactly are your credentials?

-Wide Right
Jacksonville, Fla.


Dear Jenn,

Great to see ya writing. Love the funbags! So I was talking with my girlfriend who is upset after I told her that I think of you while we make love. Now she tells me that she too thinks of you while we make love. Do you make housecalls?

-Three's a party
Miami

Dear Jenn,

I've noticed that you are quite attractive, but do you know a fucking thing about sports?

-Skeptical
Madison, Wisc.

Dear Jenn,

Great column. Really good writing. Nearly Pulitzer quality. I was wondering which nights you work at Deja Vu Centerfolds?

-Creepy older guy who still goes to strip clubs looking for companionship
Gainsville, Fla.

Dear Jenn,

This may be classless of me, but who exactly did you sleep with to get this column?

-Not your boss
New York


Rick Reilly, beware!

This post was brought to you by Myspace.com: keeping college kids busy at work all day long.

You, yeah you. You're fired!

Quin Snyder is out as the coach of the Missouri men's basketball team. Snyder, 14, is the youngest coach ever to lead a Division-I team.

Snyder was a thought of as a prodigy as an assistant to Coach Kdkjhfdjkdwljdzki at Duke and was successful in some of his seven seasons at Missouri. The Tigers went to the Elite Eight in 2002, but certainly are not headed there this year.

Mizzou is 10-11 overall, 3-7 in the Big 12 and now they don't have a head coach. Uh oh. It's not quite clear why the Tigers have slipped this season, but perhaps players have finally realized that their coach's name was Quin.

In other news: TV analysts have confirmed that Bode Miller lit the Olympic Torch with a lighter and bottle of Jim Beam.

Who's the next Raiders' coach? Someone? Anyone?

ESPN has learned that the Oakland Raiders still do not have a head coach.

Al Davis and the rest of the Evil Empire offered Louisville coach Bobby Petrino a lucrative deal worth lots of cash, but he declined, opting to stay in Kentucky where he can continue to make inbred children.

Now sources around Raiders' camp are suggesting that former coach Art Shell has emerged as the front-runner for the job.

Shell coached the Raiders from 1989-1994 and made the playoffs three times. We have no idea what Shell has been doing since then, but we imagine he's had a couple bites to eat.

With all the rejections the Raiders are getting, perhaps they should've stayed with our pal Norv Turner.

Speaking of which...

Norv Turner Update: Yes, he's still employed as the offensive coordinator of the 49ers.

In other news: Investigative reporters have learned that Rick Neuheisel was fired from the University of Washington for betting in an illegal gambling ring.

Sosa may take Nationals' offer, steroids

The Washington Nationals, formerly some shitty team from Montreal, have extended a one-year contract to former baseball player Sammy Sosa.

Sosa has been in the league the last 46 years -- spending the past season in Baltimore -- but we're not so sure if he exactly knows how to, you know, play anymore.

The Nats aren't offering Sosa much in terms of money, but even if he gets less than $2 million, he could still easily afford some performance enhancing drugs.

Let's not forget that the whole steroid fiasco isn't the only thing haunting Sosa's past. He also does some funky kissing routine before heading to the plate. Weird. (Oh, and he corked his bat once).

Sosa is expected to take some time making his decision and retirement is certainly an option for the former slugger. If he decides to retire, perhaps he could start a political career or follow in his pal Mark McGwire's footsteps and do...ugh...

This column was brought to you by Balco: giving Major League Baseball players major back-acne since 1998.

It's a head-scratcher: Erickson to coach at Idaho

MOSCOW, Idaho -- Dennis Erickson is heading back to Idaho. The school that gave him his first head coaching job is employing him again as head coach.

"I'm so excited," Erickson told sources. "I'm a fuckin' Vandal!"

The Vandals, who are entering their second year in the Western Athletic Conference, went 2-9 last season.

Losing records are nothing new for Erickson. He previously was the coach of the San Francisco 49ers and went 9-23 in two seasons at the helm.

Asked what he thought of the turnaround process at Idaho, Erickson said,

"2-9? They were 2-9 last year? Shit, we're fucked."

Erickson signed a five-year contract worth around $1.5 million. Critics have suggested that a five-year deal is a long one for Erickson to sign, but the new coach reassured reporters.

"It's not like I'm going to leave for another program," said Erickson, 58. "Who the hell would hire me?"

The move to coach Idaho comes as a surprise to many. Erickson's name was also linked to higher profile programs that were in more glamorous places than Idaho.

"It's nice up here (in Idaho)," Erickson said. "It's like the witness relocation program. Nobody in their right mind would look for me here."

Asked by an AP reporter why he is returning to a college conference that is not in the Bowl Championship Series, Erickson, scratching his head, said,

"I'm stumped."

In other news: Mike Martz finally agreed to become the offensive coordinator of the Detroit Lions after his agent arranged for fans to create Fire Martz! T-shirts.

Hockey coach buddies up with Tony Saprano

Not exactly, but Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet has been caught for financing a gambling ring.

Sometimes this site writes itself.

(Deadspin's joke, not ours, but very applicable).

This is almost admirable of Tocchet. With all of the players who hit their wives, pull guns on teenagers and smoke, sniff and inject drugs, some good, old fashioned gambling is the least of our worries.

This gambling ring had some big names attached. Wayne Gretzky's wife, Janet Jones, who is more famous for being Gretzky's bitch than for her acting career, placed some bets as did some NHL players. There was no betting on hockey, just baseball and football. Like anyone would bet on hockey regardless of who was running the gambling ring. It's just that dull.

It's not certain whether or not Tocchet has mob ties, but the over under is set at 30% and we're going with the over. Perhaps we could call up Tocchet to place the bet.

Duke plays basketball good

Don't know why we're mentioning this, but after the NFL comes to an end, we'll look for anything noteworthy in the world of sports.

Duke beat North Carolina in Chapel Hill, N.C. last night 87-83 in a helluva game. Duke was up big, Carolina made a big run (and ran through J.J. Redick's sister at halftime), but Duke and Coach Kzych$!k/@#e*&ski^ prevailed in the end.

Good rivalry. Great game. Terrible post. Sorry.

This post was brought to you by Ritalin: keeping us far too focused and not very funny.

Big Ben shaves, drinks and comes clean

Benjamin Roethlisberger has finally shaved. After appearing on The Late Show with our homeboy Dave Letterman, Big Ben had his hippie, frat boy beard shaved off with a pair of hedge clippers and Gillette's new Fusion razor.

We're not sure which is more fucked up: Benjamin getting shaved on national TV or Homeboy Dave shaving another man. Either way...

Mr. Roethlisberger also came clean with some information that he wouldn't tell someone who would care -- like an actual reporter -- but instead he tells a late-night TV host that, "I don't think I got in. But we were getting ready to go for it on fourth down anyway, and I would have run it again. So we would have found a way to get in."

(For those of you who don't often read between the lines, he was talking about his controversial TD run.)

Not sure it really matters if he got in or not at this point, but we're sure that all of that thinking gave Big Ben a headache. So did all of his drinking.

In other news: Jake Plummer still has a beard and is working on an endorsement deal with the Green River Killer.

Perfect Buckeyes Can Win Ugly Too

The Ohio State Buckeyes are 24-0 and are the No. 1 ranked team in the nation. Anyone who has been doing NCAA Basketball Betting at BetUs knows that to earn 24 wins in a row, it’s not always going to look pretty.

The Buckeyes have mostly done the damage on the defensive end as they allow the fifth-fewest points in the country (57.8). That average also ranks them second in the Big Ten.

Speaking of conference play, the Buckeyes have won 11 in a row to start in league play for just the fourth time in school history and the first time since 1961-62. But as mentioned, not all of those wins were pretty.

After escaping Northwestern with a one-point win on January 29th, the nation notice just how close of a call the Buckeyes had but fans who follow the team regularly knew that it was nothing new.

The Buckeyes had a three-point home win over Minnesota on January 9th, which was followed by a four-point win at Michigan and a three-point home win versus Penn State. Five of their last nine games have been decided by five points or less.

Needless to say, there have been plenty of close calls.

But Ohio State should be thankful for these tight results – especially since they have been on the winning end of all of them – because this type of experience is going to pay off once the month of March hits. We all know that March Madness is a long, winding tournament and while every team would like to be play at their best in each and every round, the truth is that it’s also important to be able to win even when a team has a subpar night. Clearly, Ohio State has had some off night but they’ve still managed to come away with wins. That’s a great sing.

The Buckeyes only have three more road games remaining, which means we can start having the conversation about them finishing with a perfect season. Don’t be surprised if it happens as the versatile Buckeyes have already shown they can win close, dog fights when necessary.

Now that the Super Bowl's over...

This is going to be a very, very tough week for Seattle sports fans.

Not only will folks be hanging their heads over the Super Bowl loss, but when reality sinks in, people will have to face the fact that we are entering the worst period of the sports year.

The time between the end of the NFL season and the start of the Major League Baseball season (or maybe March Madness and Spring Training, which coincide in March) is perhaps the bleakest time to be a sports fan. Times become so tough that they almost encourage us to take up another hobby – like collecting or reading something.
But we’re not here to put you down, so instead, here are six things to be excited about in the sports world over the next few months. Why six and not like, say, 10? Well, we wanted to do a top-10 list like our homeboy David Letterman, but our aching heads only thought of six. We’ll try harder next time. So instead we have six.

Put on your seatbelt, the ride is about to begin…

6. Pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training

Two weeks away and Spring Training officially gets going. We’re not exactly sure what the pitchers and catchers will be doing in Arizona and Florida this early, but it’s baseball after all and we wouldn’t want a player to pull a muscle or anything.

5. World Baseball Classic

Speaking of baseball, there will be more than stretching going on here. The timing of this worldwide event (hence “World” Baseball Classic) couldn’t be much worse. It’s right before Spring Training really gets warmed up so many players are dropping out while some, namely Mr. Alex Rodriguez, is having identity issues trying to pick his nationality. Good luck with that, Alex. You’ll need it.

4. Arena Football

Who said the football season was over? You didn’t hear it here (except it was most definitely implied above, but scratch that thought). The AFL, the 50-yard indoor field where you can return field goals off a net (how awesome is that?!), is the best thing you would never consider watching. How do we know? Cause we watch it. A lot.

And it’s even packed with celebrities. John Elway owns a team, as does Bon Jovi. What does Bon Jovi know about football? Well, probably nothing. But hey, he’s rich, handsome and owns the Philadelphia Soul. Now when he hits on some “24-year old” (who is more like 16 with lots of eye makeup on) backstage at his next concert, he’ll likely use the line, “Hey babe, I got soul.”

Strange thing is he’d actually mean it.

3. College hoops

It’s been tough being a Dawgs’ fan these last couple of weeks. The UW men’s hoopsters (hoopsters? someone hit me) have had gut-wrenching loss followed by rip-your-heart-out defeat. But still, March is just around the corner (what corner? No idea) and that means gambling and brackets. Arguable the best waste of money all year is on the NCAA Tournament, which, to some, is the best sporting event there is. You won’t hear much disagreement here.

2. The NHL and NBA

Whoops, our bad. We’re trying to provide entertainment, not agony.

1. The Winter Olympics

The Winter Games start this Friday taped-delayed from Torino, Italy for your viewing pleasure. There are all sorts of story lines that sports media are using to hype you, the viewer.

Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno is from our neck of the woods and is trying to win another gold medal to show off to the same chick that Bon Jovi’s trying to nail.

We also have a hockey team and the Olympics are the one time every four years where it is socially acceptable to watch hockey. Will the U.S. beat the Russians? Disney, Al Michaels and Kurt Russell would like to think so, but Sports Illustrated is picking the Russians fourth while they only think the U.S. will be quarterfinalists. No miracle this year, America.

Then there’s the ice dancing. Yeah, dancing. Olympics = sports and dancing = unsports. A root canal is more entertaining than an evening with Michelle Kwan.


Finally, we have the U.S. ski team. (Well, there are many other events – 84 to be exact – but for the sake of space, time and dignity, we’ll just mention the ski team and not curling). There has been much attention – mainly negative – surrounding American skier Bode Miller. Miller came out publicly and said that he skied “wasted,” which we think is fucking awesome. He also told national media that Lance Armstrong and Barry Bonds take steroids. Because Miller’s the perfect angel. No matter what, the ski events should be fun to watch and look for Miller to say something controversial.

If these six suggestions won’t help you fill the empty void of sports over the next few months, you could also grab a handle of tequila and head for the ski slopes.


This column was published in the University of Washington's The Daily.


In other news: Sources say that the Super Bowl referees were none other than Jerome Bettis' extended family.

Big Ben's drunk!

A 14-point swing makes it 14-10 Pittsburgh. The Seahawks have the momentum and the ball, while we're still looking for more booze.

Super Bowl Xtra Large: 1st Half

We nearly defecated when Al Michaels referred to the Steelers' second quarter drive as their "deepest penetration." C'mon, we don't think Big Ben was trying to fuck Lofa Tatupa, but, as you know, Benjamin likes to drink and likely screw as well.

-Big Ben scored a touchdown on a questionable call by the officials, but we liked the play call -- reminiscent of the QB option in the college level kind of. Not quite but close. By the way Roethlisberger's throwing the ball, we're convinced he may be drunk...but the TD run was a deterrant in our theory. The second half may give conclusive evidence.

-The 'Hawks defense looks strong, despite trailing at half. Nothing flashy, but multiple 3-and-outs by Pittsburgh makes us consider why the Steelers are running to set up the pass when they've been passing to set up the run all throughout the playoffs.

-Jay Mohr has been in many commercials and is engaged to Nikki Cox of "Las Vegas" fame. She's hot and he's doing Pepsi commercials. We assume that the marriage will last for about 26 minutes.

-As for the Seattle offense, where are the downfield throws? Our boy from theeeee University of Washington, Jerramy Stevens dropped a good ball by Baldy McBaldy Hasselhoff, but aside from that, many incompletions down field with a lot of three-step drops leading to completions. Conservative perhaps?

-We're eating cheese whiz, pizza and nachos here and we think that Mike Holmgren slyly winked at us -- like he's trying to get into some of that cheese whiz or something.

-But at the end of the first half, Pittsburgh leads 7-3 and we have far too many mixers here and not enough booze or horse tranquilizers.

-The Rolling Stones are up for the halftime show! Whoopeee!! If Mick Jager were to ever step down as the lead-man, we think Joe Paterno would make a great rockstar.

Stay tuned football fans...

It's time for the Super Bowl (finally)!

After two weeks of stories of Jerome Bettis being from Detroit and Joey Porter tasting blood or something, it's time to forget all the nonsense that occurs during the downtime before the Super Bowl and just play the frickin' game already.

It's been so long since we last saw an NFL game (I have been watching the Arena League damn near religiously though) that I forgot what my playoff record was. But the fine gentlemen over at The Hater Nation reminded me that I've been gloating, meaning that my record must be good. So pretty much for all you bettors out there, check here before you place your bets and your get-rich-quick scheme may just pay off.

Here it goes.

Super Bowl XL, Seattle vs. Pittsburgh:

I've considered breaking this game down position by position, but with my attention span rivaling that of a fucking two-year old, I thought better of it.


We know that one quarterback (that big guy from Pittsburgh) has a hideously shaggy beard and enjoys getting fucked up like the frat boy he never was.

On the other side we have a quarterback who secretly begs for hair before each game and hasn't partied since his brother's bachelor party.

One running back is apparently from Detroit, while the Seahawks' main man won an MVP, which may provide him with that necessary bonus money he needs to go seek a good orthodontist.

Both coaches have mustaches (yay!) and each team has a Samoan linebacker who played at USC and will now whoop your ass on the field.

Pittsburgh fans have these dish towels and Seahawks' fans are busy fighting a lawsuit against Texas A&M.

All in all, the teams seem pretty even, Ford Field is supposedly neutral (there will likely be far more Steelers' fans in the house) and neither team has much Super Bowl experience. (Pittsburgh of course has been before, but not with these players, despite ESPN thinking that experience will somehow be a factor).

I have this gut feeling though that it's gonna be Pittsburgh. Couldn't really tell you why, but I think the Steelers just have some intangibles working in their favor. It's just a hunch, but all the games I've picked thus far have been more or less a hunch and I'm unstoppable with my picks!

Feel free to check in with us here at The Big Picture on Super Bowl Sunday to get some live updates -- but no guarantees. Rather than blogging, I may be joining the rest of the world and indulging in artery-clogging food and cheap, piss beer. You'll just have to visit us on gameday to find out.

The Big Picture pick: Pittsburgh 27, Seattle 21


In other news: Mike Martz has broken off contract talks with the Detroit Lions to become their next offensive coordinator because he doesn't like Matt Millen's moustache.

Racially-insensitive? Nah

What in the name of Carmen San Diego is going on with PR people in the Bay Area?

Yesterday, Golden State Warriors' media-relations dude Eric Govan was fired after he mistakenly forwarded an email entitled "Ghetto prom" to newspapers, radio stations and TV networks. The email contained 17 pictures of African Americans dressed in outfits ranging from skimpy to slutty to prostitute.

Govan said that the email was only supposed to go to his wife and he sent out an apology email approximately 20 minutes after "Ghetto prom" hit the corner. (The fact that he intended to send the email to his wife brings up all sorts of other issues, which will be a campfire story later down the road).

This latest mishap comes in the wake of Kirk Reynolds, the former PR/porn director of the San Francisco 49ers, being fired last summer for making an in-house tape that made fun of asians, mocked the mayor and rivaled any good, old fashioned porno tape. (The tape is so provocative -- yeah, provacative, that's it -- that the San Francisco Chronicle makes you swear you're 18 before you watch it).

We're not sure what it is about the Bay Area and racist emails and naked videos, but perhaps it has something to do with the governor of California being the fucking terminator. Just a thought.

Oh, and apparently there are some steroid issues still floating around in the Bay too. Great place to raise children. Sex, drugs and scantily-clad prom dates. What a wonderful world.

In other news: Ephiphanny Prince scored 113 points in a high school basketball game Wednesday and subsequently slept with 20,000 women.

No cheerleaders? Now that's news

The word of the day is that the Steelers don't have cheerleaders or a dance squad. Our response: why the fuck not?

Cheerleaders are perhaps the best thing about sitting close at a football game. While you get a close-up of the players' fat asses, you also get a pretty darn good look at these fine ladies as well.

Apparently the Steelers aren't alone. A handful of other NFL squads, including the Bears, Giants and Packers, don't have hot babes serving multiple functions on the sidelines. (The Cowboys do have cheerleaders -- evident by the constant sellouts at Texas Stadium. It's not to see the Cowboys.)

We think it may have something to do with it being cold in Pittsburgh and those other NFL cities, but on second thought, there may just not be any hot women in Pittsburgh. C'mon, it's the Steel City after all.

So the question now becomes, who will be lurking on the sidelines Sunday? I imagine the Sea Gals will be there, scantily clad as always. But any others? The Detroit Lions don't have cheerleaders either, though Matt Millen may have something to do with that. (No wonder they want to fire him. Hire some babes, win back respect, Matthew.)

Instead of cheerleaders maybe we'll get some Janet Jackson action on the field. Or perhaps some strippers from Canada. Just to, um, keep things interesting.

This column was brought to you by hard liquor: helping John Clayton get laid since 1978.

Stevens talks smack, Porter becomes vampire

DETROIT -- Fireworks went off at Ford Field Wednesday when Pittsburgh's Joey Porter responded to comments made by Seattle's Jerramy Stevens.

Stevens, from the University of Washington, guaranteed victory at Tuesday's Media Day saying about Jerome Bettis, "It's a heartwarming story and all that, but it will be a sad day when he leaves without that trophy."

Porter responded to the guarantee by saying, "I've been asleep all week but now I got woke up. I've got my first taste of blood and now I'm thirsty for more."

Sources say that Porter spent his first few days in Detroit resting in his coffin in the hotel's basement. Undisclosed hotel personnel saw Porter sucking the blood from Steven's neck late Tuesday night.

"Yeah, I was sucking his neck," said Porter. "And it's not the only thing I was sucking."

The two are not thought to be involved.

Stevens tried to explain Wednesday that his comments were interpreted the wrong way, but when asked about the two bite marks on the side of his neck, he said, "I like it rough. Oh, and Joey's a fucking vampire."

A B-list celebrity holding a microphone was able to interview the vampire Wednesday and Porter said, "You got something against vampires? I'll fuck you up man."

The camera man was subsequently knocked down, stripped of his clothing and had his neck bitten.

"Being naked just makes the blood taste better," said Porter.

Yeah. Blood. Ok.

In other news: In contract negotiations to become the offensive coordinator of the Detroit Lions, Mike Martz has asked for a multi-year deal and a Fire Millen t-shirt.

To pass the time when you're trying to pass your kidney stones

There are some really, really great blogs out there. And they don't get enough press unfortunately (well except for Deadspin, those media sluts). While you've been reading Pulitzer Prize-winning posts here at The Big Picture, there are some other wonderful sites out there that will make you laugh, cry and may even tempt you to strangle someone -- like Sean Locklear's girlfriend perhaps.

Here are some awesome sites I've been reading. If you like 'em great. If you don't, you're evil. But if you like their stuff more than mine, well, we may then have a bit of a problem.

Joking. Just joking.

The Hater Nation - featuring NFL Adam and the rest of the cast of The OC.
Deadspin - led by commander in chief, Will Leitch, who has been prostituting himself to prestige media lately.
The Mighty MJD - what exactly is mighty about MJD is unclear to us.
Insomniac's Lounge - now he has his own domain. Wow! Big time.
The Sports Pulse - all encompassing -- kinda like a heart beat or something.


This post was brought to you by Viagra: gettingJoe Paterno laid at the ripe age of 126.

Bull attacks Pistons' fans

Well, not quite. But in a move that was very reminiscent of Ron Artest going into the stands at the Palace of Auburn Hills, a bull entered the crowd during a bullfight in Mexico City Monday. An associate of mine suggested that the bull, "probably was planning that for years." Perhaps "Little Birdy" was.

While no one was killed, many were hurt, and frankly, they probably deserved it. They are supporting a sport (sport?) that doesn't give the bull a fighting chance. Little Birdy was pissed and did everything in its power to fuck up the crowd.

Sadly, it was the bull that was fucked up in the end. After a 30-minute delay to attend to those targeted by the bull, the fight continued and one of the bullfighters stabbed and killed Little Birdy.

But matadors everywhere beware, the bulls are smart and they're plotting against you.

Thanks to NFL Adam and the Hatin' Homeboys over at The Hater Nation for the video link.

Nate Robinson to be in dunk contest

That's right folks. Our boy Nate "The Great" Robinson, straight outta thee University of Washington, is going to beat the shit out of dudes a full foot taller than him in the NBA dunk contest Feb. 18 in Houston.

Robinson, who is listed as 5-9, is perhaps 5-9 with a nice pair of pumps on. He is more like 5-7 and change. On a rare day some years back, I was actually doing some real life reporting, (reporting? what the...?) and I spoke with Nate. Being a daunting 5-10, I was able to actually look down on him...literally, not figuratively, of course.

So our boy really isn't very tall, but he plays big, acts big and probably is hung like a fucking thoroughbred.

Robinson will compete against defending champ Josh Smith, Andre Iguodala, and fellow rookie Hakim Warrick. He will likely destroy them all because his heart is the size of his, well, whatever's hiding under those shorts.

The payout will probably allow Nate to buy some new high heels too. The winner of the contest gets $35,000 while a participant could pull a Chris Andersen -- go high as hell to the event and miss the entire fucking basket -- and still get $16,000+.

For his first dunk, I want to see Nate get fed an alley-oop by former Husky Curtis Allen (see photo above) and for the grande finale, I want to see him jump over a thoroughbred en route to a reverse jam.

Yeah, go basketball and go Nate!

In other news: Last night's State of the Union address was given by none other than Reggie Bush.