Spygate sounds like the name of a fucking Dakota Fanning movie

From an email last week:

"can i be the first to say that this business of adding "-gate" to denote that something is scandalous, is maybe the stupidest thing i have ever heard of? i hate it."

Couldn't agree more. Watergate happened over 30 years ago and referred to a building called...get ready for this...WATERGATE!!

When the Patriots were illegally taping shit, they were not using Spygate-brand cameras or spying through an electric gate. No, a gate, or Watergate, or anything remotely connected had to do with that or any other recent scandal.

Lazy journalism. Slap on the wrist. Bad bad bad. (Though, if they wanted to call it the Illegal Taping Contra Scandal, then we'd be talking).

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Elsewhere in relevant news, Richard Nixon is no longer the president.

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Dakota Fanning apparently makes $3 million a movie. For three million dollars, you could probably find some one to cut her tongue out or staple her lips shut.

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Our boss just made a "lives in the basement with his mother joke."

Not about bloggers. About an overweight security guard. Bloggers and overweight security guards: one in the same.

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Why are there no NBA Draft analysts? If Kiper can do seven rounds for the NFL, two for the NBA would be cake.

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If you could switch bodies with a celebrity for one day who would it be?

Our answer is two-fold:

a. Carmen Electra. We would play with ourself all day long.

b. Tony Romo. This sounds pretty fun. Not the losing. The other shit. Fifteen grand to SHOW UP at a club. Awesome.

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If you're on the Facebook, you could probably base a masturbation session off of those ads to the left.

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If you could fire a team, they should fire the Denver Nuggets. That was the sorriest excuse for a playoff series we can remember. The Nuggs have just as much talent as the Lakers, were only seven games worse and had the star power to win a series.

But Kornheiser made a good point on PTI saying that Denver is like a fantasy team in that it is loaded with stars, but has no chemistry.

It shouldn't be George Karl's job that's in jeopardy. It should be every player on his team's.

Fuck. There are some good college players who went undrafted. Adarius Bowman? He was the shit. Yvenson Bernanrd couldn't spell, but he was solid, too.

We're always surprised this time of year about some of the big-name college players who get drafted late on Day 2 of the NFL Draft -- or those players who don't get drafted at all.

There's gotta be something said for a guy who starred in college, despite his mediocre speed, average size or lack of upside not translating well to the NFL. We've always thought that was bullshit. Look at Tom Brady. College star. Joe Flacco? Bust bust bust.

Rivals.com neatly compiled an all-undrafted team, which you can find here. If you're too lazy to click the link (hey, we've all been there), here are some of the notable players that are now free agents.

Sam Keller - The Sun Devil turned Husker QB has one of the hottest lady friends of all the rookies, but either is too small, too slow or simply can't throw the football very well.

Davone Bess - He caught like eight hundred thousand touchdowns at Hawaii. But is said to be a "system receiver," though could probably flourish in one of 32 "systems."

Adarius Bowman - A stud in '06 at Oklahoma State, he was a disappointment in '07 posting only mediocre numbers after being considered one of the top returning wide receivers. Apparently is slow.

Vince Hall - Member of a solid linebacking corps at Va. Tech that also included Xavier Adibi. Wore No. 9 which we think is beyond badass for a linebacker. Too small and not fast enough were reasons for not being drafted. NFL team would likely make him change number.

Anthony Morelli - Every NFL team gets an A for passing on the former Penn State QB. Man, we kept saying the day we saw Morelli make three good passes in a row we'd give up masturbation for six hours. Thankfully he didn't.

Yvenson Bernard - The Oregon State back rushed for over 1,200 yards every year as a starter and finished second on the school's all-time rushing list. But is too small, doesn't have breakaway speed and NFL teams don't understand the spelling of his name.

Alexi Serna - Sticking with OSU, the Beavers' place kicker won the 2005 Lou Groza Award as the nation's best placekicker. Also holds the Oregon State record for consecutive successful extra points at 144. Though will be remembered for missing three PATs in his first collegiate game in a 22-21 OT loss to defending National Champion LSU. That he even had a collegiate career after that is nothing short of a miracle.

Moving Zito to the bullpen is the wrong move...

...because the Giants should send him back to the minors. But that's not the case, unfortunately.

The Giants have a $126 million long reliever. Barry Zito is heading to the bullpen.

Zito was told the news before Monday's game, one day after he surrendered eight earned runs in three innings to the Reds and fell to 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA.

"Barry is all for doing whatever he can to help the club," Bochy said. "This is the best for Barry and the ball club right now."

No. No it's not. If Giants brass could swallow their egos and accept that they spent nearly twice Kiribati's GDP on a player good for an average of seven and a half runs per game, they'd send Zito to Fresno.

In Triple-A, Zito would be able to (presumably) work out his kinks at no expense of the Giants. He could keep his same routine -- seven runs every five days -- against minor-league talent and not fuck up the Giants' record even more than it already is.

In long relief, Zito could turn a 5-0 deficit into a 10-0 hole in an inning. He also won't get the consistency of pitching once a week in the bullpen. And yes, he'll fuck up the game. He's already done that six times. And at 0-6, he's made approximately $3 million per loss, which is significantly less than what he's making per win.

???

If you can name this man, you are smarter than we are.

Worst Blogs

Lozo's Suckiest Blog Tourney was an eye-opener. There are some well-respected blogs that did well (bad?), FanHouse got slammed and our pal Dan Shanoff won the freakin' thing!

These aren't your average, one-post-per-week blogs that actually do suck. These were some big-name blogs with good street cred getting hammered by the voters into suckiness history.

So maybe we're out of the loop on what actually sucks.

Let's have some anonymous fun today. Let us know what your least favorite blogs are. And, like Lozo's deal, let's keep them to the bigger blogs that are updated daily and are actually relevant. Let's not make enemies, so please comment anonymously. Or don't. Pick your own fights.

Spill your hate, folks.

How Passover will affect your NFL Draft

Passover is our least favorite holiday, outside of the Fourth of July (fireworks scare us).

We live on carbs like pasta and rice and beer and certainly not matzah, but for one whole week, we basically can only eat potatoes and animals. Really kind of ironic about Passover, actually. You could, in theory, eat a bacon ham and cheese melt on some matzah and technically it'd be Kosher for Passover. Go figure.

We don't observe that closely, but there are many who do. And for those strict-observers, Draft Day parties are going to be a bitch. No beer, no fucking corn syrup (mixers, candy, anything else that tastes good) and defintely no pizza.

Your best options:

-chicken wings. Most come un-breaded, so tear those motherfuckers apart.
-cocktail weenies with dipping sauce
-potato chips and dip (everthing on Draft Day should come with dip).
-veggies and dip
-Bloody Mary's (make sure it's potato vodka and your Bloody Mary mix is straight).
-Wine. Manishevitz will do the trick, but whatever floats your boat in the afternoon.

Some fun new additions to the Draft Day drinking game:

-Talk of Chad Johnson trade rumors, take four drinks.
-If any player who is actually in attendance falls out of the first half of Round 1 and has to sit waiting in the green room, drink one full beer for every hour he waits after the start of the draft.
-Any use of the term "spygate" finish your drink.
-If Mel Kiper's hair moves, drink the blood of cobra.
-If Berman mentions Passover, pound your drink.

Happy Draft, folks! May your team not completely fuck up its future.

Craig Sager is giving sport coats a bad name

No, no, no! You have it all wrong, Craig Sager. Purple does not go with the brown shoes. Nope. All wrong.

Then again, "all wrong," is a pretty accurate way to describe Sager's fashion sense and overall demeanor. The man is embarrassing himself and the sport-coat-and-slacks look for men in general. You know it, we know it and Kevin Garnett knows it.

The best word to describe Sager: gimmicky. We fucking hate gimmicks and Sager switching up his blazer like Mr. Rogers and his fucking sweaters has no place in sports.

You can see a wide variety of Sager's gimmicks here and cringe at every one. It's not that Sager is even that bad at what he does, which we think is something made only for attractive women. But when he pulls that shit with his wardrobe, he's begging not to be taken seriously. His shenanigans make him appear more like a circus clown than a reporter.

But maybe in another life Sager was a clown. Or perhaps Ronald McDonald could provide the TNT and TBS audiences with occasional sideline updates.

Sparing you from seeing another terrible movie

We hate bad movies and we suspect you do too, so we're going to do you a public service today and tell you exactly what "What Happens in Vegas..." will be about to save you $10 and two hours of your life.

*Disclaimer: Cameron Diaz looks super-duper hot in this movie. If you see it strictly for that, you're not entirely stupid and impressionable. If you see it because that's the only way your girlfriend will give you a little suckie-suckie, you're not entirely stupid and impressionable.



OK, the detailed plot outline:

-Two attractive people go to Vegas
-Get drunk
-Inevitably, each main character has hackneyed sidekick
-Cameron Diaz, looking waaay hot, does not take off clothes
-Two attractive people get married in drunken stupor
-Regret it in morning
-End up gambling, because -- hey! -- it's Vegas and that's what people do there
-Win big
-Diaz still clothed
-Argue over who money belongs to
-Try to separate and hate each other along the way, with trite romantic-comedy gimmicks along the way
-Sad part of movie where they are unsure whether or not problems will be resolved.
-End up falling in love (resolving problems), keeping money together (or donating) and living happily ever after
-Diaz still no frontal

And now you have seen "What Happens in Vegas..."

You're welcome.

Tom Brady shops at Whole Foods

Being Tom Brady isn't all fun and games. The Boston Herald investigates:

Being Tom Brady isn’t all fun and games.

See? Not fun.

One minute, the two-time Super Bowl MVP is golfing with Teddy Forstmann, the head of powerhouse Hollywood talent agency IMG -- the next he’s buying recycled toilet paper at Whole Foods.

Brady's shit probably smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls and every time he's on the pot he pumps out a one-wipe masterpiece.

But he does it. Even Tom Brady needs to make stew from time to time. He's like us. Yes, Tom Brady is like you and I.

(Hand-pound: Ben Maller).

SHARKS!

We're officially on the bandwagon. Who's with us?

Blogger Interviews: Christmas Ape

We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.

Up today is Michael Tunison, known in the blogging daisy chain as Christmas Ape. Ape is one of the founding fathers of Kissing Suzy Kolber but also shows his face at Deadspin and SportsbyBrooks. A former Washington Post employee, Tunison was recently dismissed after revealing his true identity. So, yeah, don't be too hard on him...

1. The rundown:

Name: Michael Tunison

Age: 25
Location: Alexandria, Va.
Occupation: Blogger (oxymoron?)
Favorite team: Pittsburgh Steelers
Favorite posts:

Fearest No, Milady. 'Tis Norval the Dragonslayer
High Risk Insurance/The Time is Right
Citing Executive Privilege, Bill Belichick Says, "Eat a Dick."
Marmalard's Moment of Douche

Time spent per day blogging/reading blogs: 2-3 hours

2. Your stepping out of the shadows of anonymity led to a rapid chain reaction of shitiness. First, we guess, why reveal your true identity now?

Ever since KSK started, a significant amount of our content has involved assailing other writers who cover that NFL, whether that be Bill Simmons, Peter King, Mike Lupica, Tony Kornheiser or whomever. A lot of the blowback we'd receive from these criticisms was that we were cowardly to level insults at these writers while hiding behind assumed blogging names. I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong to do that, but with KSK getting a paid deal and having built up a pretty large audience, it seemed like the responsible thing to do.

3. Take us through the series of events of The Post getting hold of this. Your manager call you into his office and let you know that he didn't appreciate a Post employee making dick jokes on his own time? Was there a certain post or topic that really pissed them off? Was there a discussion or did they not even care what you had to say?

I put the "outing" post up on Monday and didn't hear a peep. Tuesday, I took the day off to drive my parents to the airport in the middle of the day. Meanwhile, MediaBistro threw up this post about me, which I can safely assume is how my editors became aware of the blog. Later that afternoon, I got a call from the Metro section's top editor, Bob McCartney, who demanded to know why I would do such a thing. I gave him the same explanation I detailed above and he told me he had spoken with Post managing editor Phil Bennett and some other personnel people and that they would discuss further but there was a good chance I could be let go for my actions. The next day, I went into the office, went about the usual business and got a call in the afternoon to come downtown to meet with McCartney (I worked in one of the suburban bureaus). There, McCartney told me I had violated Post standards and discredited the paper for the identifying myself as a Post writer in a blog post that contained obscenities and profanity. He gave me the option of resigning with severance or being let go outright. I choose the former. i was then led out of the building by security, lest I try liveblogging my dismissal or something.

4. What now?

My income from the three blogs I write for, KSK, Deadspin and SportsbyBrooks, is about on par with what I made with The Post. And the members of KSK got a considerable signing bonus upon entering into our contract. So my financial situation is okay. There have been some offers, full-time positions and freelance opportunities, that have come out of this fiasco. Hopefully those will help to fill the gap.

5. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?

There are far too many great blogs out there to list, but the ones have have influenced me the most for what I do at KSK are Wizznutzz, The Dugout and MJD's various works across the great tubescape.

6. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?

Lack of censorship, interaction with your readership and instant feedback. I get to know right away what works and what doesn't. When I first started the Hines Ward posts, I had concerns about how they would go over, considering that they send up racial stereotypes and just invoking them is usually enough to bother people, but I was shocked how little criticism there was about it. It was almost nonexistent.

7. Dream job? Go.

Kind of reevaluating what my dream job would be right now. When I got into journalism, it's because I wanted something that would let me experience a lot of different things, interact with all sorts of people, do a lot of traveling and generally not get stuck doing mindless busywork. Of course, my actual experience in journalism was the exact opposite of that. I'm not saying some reporters don't get to do those things, but it's not worth what it takes to get to that point. I still have an interest in doing some long-form writing -- be it magazine, features, books and screenplays. Being able to do a combination of those on subjects of my choosing is probably as close to a dream job as I have.

8. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?

The goal of KSK is basically to write the funniest, most biting and timely dick jokes about the NFL. Once it makes Sean Mahan retire and Neil O'Donnell commit suicide, then my work is done.

9. KSK, from the get-go, seemed to get tons of traffic and comments. A piece of advice to some smaller sites how to get a prolific, interactive readership?

KSK had some help starting in the Deadspin comments. Will Leitch has been supportive from jump street. Being involved with established blogs is always a good start, whether it means being a figure in comments or bugging the writers about contributing.

10. Finding content for a general sports blog can be challenging on a slow day. How do you guys do it during the dreadfully long off-season? Isn't it tough to come up with enough material to keep readers entertained? Any secrets you have to finding content on painfully slow news days?

It can be tough with the vortex of suck that is the NFL off-season, but KSK's focus is so free form that it's not that difficult to fill space. Our readers don't mind if we go off-topic so long as we remain entertaining.

11. You're on a deserted island with a dead president, celebrity and hot chick. Who are they and why?

I'll go with Richard Nixon, Scarlett Johansson and Lucy Pinder. When I'm not banging Scarlett and Lucy, I'll talk shit about The Washington Post with Tricky Dick.

(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals; Orson Swindle; Big Daddy Drew; Brian Cook; Awful Announcing; JoeSportsFan; Matt Mosley; Chris Mottram; Dave Lozo).

Watch out for that right quad

Hi. I'm your right quadricep. Don't fuck with me.

I will take you down faster than a Vietnamese prostitute. I'm your motherfucking worst nightmare. Want to spend some time on the DL? Don't mess with me. This shit will linger, man. You think you'll be day-to-day but if you rush this back, you'll feel the pain all season. I'll make sure of it. It's a bitch. I'm a bitch. And I'm gonna fuck you you like a bitch.

I just did it to two stars Sunday. Chipper and A-Rod strained me and now I'm pissed. They think they can just walk it off or "rest." Right quads don't fucking rest. Their leg is inflamed like a fucking shrimp on the barbie.

All you got to do is treat me well. Stretch me out a little bit. I love that shit. It's like my way of jerking off. Even do some exercises to strengthen me. Squats are good. Leg press is good. If you do lunges I'll fucking lose it.

But beware. Don't neglect me. You treat me like chop liver and I'll bite you in the ass and keep you on the shelf for a month. I'm like a good woman. Just show me some attention, care for me and I'll love you back. It's that simple, really.

Happy 4:20, from Ricky Williams

Happy 4:20, from Nate Newton

He are 213 reasons why 4:20 is the best!

Happy 4:20, from Bill Clinton

I never inhaled...but maybe I should have!

Happy 4:20, from Michael Irvin

Just weed today? Pfft.

Happy 4:20, from Aqib Talib

My draft stock is only getting...wait for it...HIGHER!

Happy 4:20, from Michael Vick

What else Miguel Tejada isn't telling you

ESPN's E:60 (game show?) is making Miguel Tejada out to be a villain. He lied about his age, took steroids and tortured small animals as a child.

The Houston Astros shortstop told the Oakland Athletics when he was signed out of the Dominican Republic in 1993 that he was 17. But he was actually 19, meaning he is now 33, two years older than his listed age in the Astros' media guide and other baseball records. The shortstop made his admission after being approached Tuesday by ESPN.

Now that that's out of the closet, Tejada came clean with these gems, too, which will surely lead to more TV exclusives:

-Middle name is actually Walter

-Once played hooky from school

-Sang choir at age 10 12.

-Likes the color pink

-Once ate a family of ants

-Enjoyed it

-Sings Barbra Streisand songs in the shower

-Sucker for Meg Ryan movies.

-Allergic to bees

-Occasionally pats teammates' asses in the clubhouse

-Considered using cork

-Persuaded by a female companion to dress up as a member of the Black Hole.

-Dyes his hair

Now 33, Tejada is ancient by sports standars. If he suddenly goes on the DL for some bullshit reason, we'll now know why.

Blog Talk

We've been curious for a while about this: if you're reading this site, what other finely edited sites are you reading?

If you've been following Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog's Suckiest Sports Blog Tournament, you'll notice that some big-name sports blogs aren't highly thought of and others, that we didn't know much about, are well-regarded.

If you read this site often, you know which blogs we like. If you can pick up on subtleties, you know which ones we don't. But we won't focus on those.

If you will please, in the comments give us your top five sports blogs (excluding this site...you all know this is your favorite. If it's not, you're lying. And if you're not lying, maybe you're penis-less). If you want to pick some fights, feel free to leave your five least favorite sports blogs. Including a most-overrated and most-underrated blog would be good, too.

It'll be fun for all. We think. Probably. Maybe not. It just might be humbling. Fuck. This could backfire. Play nice.

Barbara Bush gettin' it ON

This could be interesting.

Has a New York Ranger captured first daughter Barbara Bush's heart?

Fans spotted Bush "dancing, drinking beers and cheering on" the team at Madison Square Garden Sunday night - in addition to sporting "two gold rings on her left ring finger." We're told Bush "recently became a die-hard Rangers fan and befriended a few of
the players." We don't know if her bling was a gift from a player or if her on-again, off-again beau Jay Blount is back in the picture, but a rep for Bush assured us "she is not engaged."

We didn't know President B had a daughter, let alone twins. We get the impression they're mischievauous, do blow and one of them has had an abortion. Wouldn't that be ironic.

Oh, and let's call it three Long Islands. In this picture though, make it six.

As for the player, your guess is as good as ours. But we think it'd be funny if it were Jaromir Jagr. We can't believe he's still playing.

(Reach-around to Big Ben).

Joe Borowski sidelined with a hanging curve

This seems to keep happening: a team's closer goes out, gives up what seems like a hundred runs, blows the game, and goes on the DL the next day. It happened with J.J. Putz and now with Joe Borowski.

Borowski's blowup Monday was maddening, not only because we prefer the collective Boston Red Sox team to all get flat tires and then robbed by a pack of wolves while waiting for AAA, but because he was so close to picking up a save for our fantasy squad, but instead chalked up an ERA around 40.

Is Borowski hurt or just bad? Here's what the AP article has to say:

On his walk from the bullpen to the mound, Joe Borowski already knew he was in serious trouble. With Cleveland clinging to a one-run lead, the maligned closer was about to face the Boston Red Sox without his best stuff.

Yeah, he only had a one-run lead, his fastball isn't fast enough, his curveball is flat and he's probably tipping his pitches. But something else was on his mind.

"It was like I went out there with an unloaded gun," he said.

He says the same thing in the bedroom. ZING!

No, really though, he does that pretty much every night of his career. His ERA hasn't been below 3.75 since 2003, he's highly susceptible to the long ball and he averages less than a strikeout per inning. But yeah, unloaded gun.

Borowski, who has dodged so many ninth-inning jams since joining the Indians, couldn't escape a trip to the disabled list. He was placed on the 15-day DL on Tuesday, a day after blowing a save and giving up a two-run homer in the ninth inning to Boston's Manny Ramirez.

Elsewhere, if you get hurt you go to the doctor. If you want to learn, you go to school. If you leave an 83-MPH breaking ball over the plate to a future Hall of Famer, he's going to hit it 800 feet. If the team doesn't want you messing up in clutch situations, they put you in the one place where you can't possibly fuck up: the disabled list.

Borowski, who led the AL with 45 saves last season, has a strained triceps - an injury he first felt in spring training and one the Indians have kept a secret for weeks.

If he has strained triceps, we have Carpal Tunnel from typing this post. He went out, did his job badly, and now the team is telling him to rest because if he pitches again the entire city of Cleveland might burn down.

He had been puzzled by a significant loss in his velocity before being examined by doctors, who recommended he stop pitching for a while.

He is also puzzled when he can't find new Sopranos episodes. That light next to the gas gauge thoroughly confuses him. And he just discovered that hot air rises.

Naturally, an anti-Borowski blog has popped up which will pretty much make Borowski never want to pitch again. Then again, maybe a strained triceps will require six surgeries and years of rehab. And if his arm is simply tired, well, that might be an obstacle he'll never be able to overcome.

Bracketology! In April!

Our pal Mike over at Steady Burn alerts us that Joe Lunardi's mock-bracket is out -- for next year!!

We could've told you that UNC Asheville will be your team from the Big South and naturally pull No. 2 Notre Dame in the South Region, but Joe had to predict the entire thing, oh, 11 months ahead of time.

Some highlights:

-Your top seeds: Texas, Pitt, UNC, Duke

-Other 2008 Final Four teams: UCLA (No. 7), Kansas (No. 2), Memphis (No. 3).

-The Big East leads the way with nine bids, with the ACC, Big 12 and SEC getting six apiece.

-Washington is among the last four out -- but we're mentioned!!

-A possible Kansas-Memphis rematch in the Sweet 16 in Indianapolis

-Arizona could get back to the Final Four with the No. 2 seed in the West with top-seeded Duke...and the West Regional is in Arizona. They'll be a trendy pick. 'Cats, baby!

Yeah, it's April. Eleven long months before this is relevant again. But hey, Kansas fans while still feeling the joy of a winning a championship, can be knocked back down to Earth: their Bracketology stock is going down.

Knicks try to win over fans with free food

If we're a sucker for any one thing, it's free shit. That sounds like a lot of things, but it's not. "Free shit" is one entity. And we love it.

So if we were being appreciated as Knicks fans yesterday, we would've felt, well, appreciated.

All fans who attend the game will be welcomed to enjoy free food and beverages from MSG's concession stands throughout the building starting at 6:30 p.m., when doors open to the public. In addition, servers will walk around the arena to distribute food and drink items, including hot dogs, pretzels, soda and water, among other choices. This marks the first time MSG has provided food and non-alcoholic drinks at no cost to fans.

There will also be a major merchandise discount of 30 percent off everything.

We would've eaten like 11 hotdogs, taken plenty of "other choices" and drank tons of water. Hydration is important. And "other choices" is much like choosing what's in the mystery box. It could be anything!

Of course Knicks fans would prefer a few other things on Fan Appreciation Day, like:

1. A few more wins
2. Isiah Thomas getting fired or deported
3. Spitzer's hooker
4. No taxes (hey, it's Tax Day! Score two for a relevant, yet unfunny joke).
5. Gateway drugs

The booze was not free, of course, so we imagine that MSG still pulled in five figures on beer sales as the Knicks lost for the 58th time this season.

ESPN.com mocks Giants' offense

We know it's going to be a long season, but we didn't know runs would be this hard to come by.

You should see the other guy

Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy is a father who playfully wrestles with his son while looking like Ron Jeremy but took a shot to the eye in the process, making him look like Ron Jeremy with a black eye.

From the Orlando Sentinel via Ben Maller (who else?):

Magic Coach Stan Van Gundy looked like a prize fighter as he popped out of the visiting team's dressing room before the game Sunday against the Chicago Bulls at United Center.

He was sporting a black left eye, a souvenir from a playful wrestling match Saturday with his son, Mike Van Gundy, seventh-grader.

Why Van Gundy didn't say he fell down the stairs or ran into a wall is well beyond us.

Doing the math on Barry Zito

Just about the only thing more painful than watching Barry Zito give up eight hits and four runs a start is knowing how much money he's making doing it.

It's one of the strangest thing in sports: the highly paid starting pitcher. If healthy, he plays once every five days, and while incredibly valuable in the postseason, the best of the best help their team once a week. And rarely more than seven innings of the game.

And then there's Barry Zito who doesn't exactly "help" once per week and seems to do it in about five-inning stints. His $126 million, seven-year contract is both unfathomable and brilliant, of course depending from which perspective you look at it.

So let's breakdown Zito's salary, based on an average of 35 starts per season, six innings per start and 11 wins.

The numbers are humbling.

-$18 million per year
-About $515,000 per start
-Nearly $86,000 per inning
-About $1.6 million per win
-Almost $29,000 per out

That last number is the most upsetting. Zito makes more money per out than many people make per year.

He better not be getting that $600 tax rebate.

Murray State quarterback is dumb, $20 richer

Murray State quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt will see your prank and raise it.

Murray State quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt was charged with pushing a campus police officer and taking his ticket book. The athletic director called this "a prank gone bad."

Ehrhardt, a 20-year-old sophomore, was arrested Wednesday and charged with second-degree robbery. He surrendered to the campus public safety office and returned the ticket book after a witness identified him.

The charge carries a potential prison term of up to 10 years.

According to the police report, Ehrhardt said he was bet $20 he wouldn't take such action against the officer.

Pranks have changed a lot since we've been in college. We used to bet kids they couldn't run through the quad naked singing Barry Manilow or try to trick a Washington State student into thinking they were smart.

Now it's robbing cops at gunpoint dressed up as ex-presidents.

What? He just took his ticket book? And it was a campus cop? Up to 10 years in the clink? It's a good thing he's a superstar quarterback at a D-1 powerhouse.

Oh. Right.

Big Picture Categories: Keanu Reeves movies

King's Cup might be the best drinking game out there. Everyone has their own version, there's ample drinking and sometimes -- on a few lucky occasions -- hot chicks end up naked. One of the best "games" in King's Cup is Categories, which often is represented by the Jack card. In Categories, the person who draws the card says a category (fast food joints, baseball stadiums, etc.) and everyone must go around the circle naming one until somebody stumbles. When that person fucks up, they drink. Make sense? Good.

Today is the release of the new Keanu Reeves flick Street Kings, which may or may not be horrible. It stars Common and The Game, so how could it go wrong? It got us thinking though, since Keanu is without doubt the best actor in the history of acting, we thought we'd brainstorm some of his movies by bringing back Big Picture Categories.

We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. One -- one! -- answer per comment, assbags. If you cheat and look up his IMDB page, we'll know. And the guilt will cause your penis to fall off.

We'll start with his best: Point Break.

If you've never seen Point Break, well, you should. It's once of the most acclaimed movies of all time, having won Best Picture awards in multiple years, which we're told is unprecedented if not impossible. It also won awards for best Foreign Film, best Animated Short and best Documentary, despite not being foreign, animated or true. (Keanu won Best Actor, too, but you already knew that).

Some memorable quotes from Point Break:

Australian cop at the end of the movie: We'll get him when he comes back in!

Johnny Utah: He's not coming back.

Roach: Hey man, I'm cold. Really cold.
Johnny Utah: You're cold because all of the blood is running out of your body Roach. You're gonna be dead soon.

Johnny Utah: You're blowing it, man! You're breaking your own rules...

We know you all love Keanu, so time to slang that knowledge in the comments. (Quotes welcomed!)

Torch Run is the best thing ever created

A Friday challenge:

Go play Torch Run. It'll kill about two hours of productivity today and get you to your weekend that much earlier.

We've been playing for three days. We fucking scrape at Torch Run.

If you think you have what it takes, and are prepared to lose, try to beat the score of 115. If you do, pull a screengrab of it, email it to zachls5@gmail.com and you can either have:

1. A guest post to write whatever you like

2. Links to three wonderful porn sites

3. A free subscription to this site

Game on, bitches!

It'd sure suck to have diabeetus, but thankfully, Wilford Brimley is here to help

This is hands down the best commercial on TV.



Brimley, whose mispronunciation of the word "diabetes" is far more priceless and comical than it probably should be, has been mocked plenty. We were going to do a funny bit about it, but realized Family Guy beat us to the punch and did it far better than we ever could.

The Harlem Globetrotters don't got shit on this guy

Once famous, this man should be surrounded by Supermodels, mountains of cash and probably some blow. It'll only be fair.

An interview with Fox Sports' Ben Maller

Ben Maller does your dirty work. As a blogger desperate for a good story, his Fox Sports site is the one we constantly turn to. He compiles some of the juiciest rumors and best under-the-radar items beneath one roof, making it easy to find blog-worthy material. While not putting together the site, he's a radio host. You can hear him on "The Third Shift on Fox" here. And he's on MySpace, too! Go say hi.

1. The rundown:

Name: Ben Maller
Age: Early 30's
Location: Los Angeles
Occupation: Radio Talk Jock and Web Sports Gossip God
Favorite team: Dodgers

2. First off, we're awfully curious how you parlayed BenMaller.com (unpaid) in to a job with FOX Sports (paid)? You approach them? They come to you? Meet in the middle over some drinks and overpriced appetizers?

I had been blogging away on my own for years (unpaid) when I was contacted by an executive at FoxSports.com. He said they where big fans of my work and wanted to pay me lots of Rupert Murdock's money to have it under the FOX brand. I had actually drawn interest from other
major sports websites, but felt more comfortable with FOX because of my radio work.

3. Your résumé must be loaded to have the radio gig as well as the .com job with FOX Sports. Take us through your career path, starting with your schooling, internships, first jobs, etc.

I could say go to school kids and study hard. That would be a big fat lie. I had a big plan to do the university thing and learn my craft. Things didn't work out that way. Had an internship at a major West Coast sports talker in San Diego (XTRA 690am - 77,000 watt border blaster via Mexico). Around the time it was ending they offered me a coffee boy job. I worked my way up from running the board on San Diego State basketball, to covering high school football games. Instead of acquiring thousands of dollars in student loans, I was a jock sniffer who made no money but had the time of my life. As they say in Toledo: the rest is history.

4. Take us through a typical day of work for you, if such a thing exists. And give us some insight to how Ben Maller's rumors are put together. Do you get emailed tips? Scour the depths of the Internet looking for the best content? How does putting together the rumors factor in with your time on the air?

Wake up mid afternoon. Surf a few of the major sports sites to see what big stories happened while I was hibernating. Exploring possible topics for my radio show. This all takes about an hour. Then head out to grab a combo lunch/dinner. Get back into my office 5ish. Start
writing radio show notes. Meet with my producer Greg Bergman about that night's show, write my monologue. Then begin work on the next day's rumor page for FoxSports.com. At 10pm its off to the Auto Zone studios of Fox Sports Radio for that night's show (11pm pacific time). Meet again with my producer after the show about how terrible things went. (Sometimes it's good!) Then drive 95 MPH back to my office near Dodger Stadium (no LA traffic at 3am) to continue building the rumor page. Work till 8am putting it all together. Spend about an hour winding down and head to bed.

I've been contacted by scouts and executives from a handful of teams. Many of the "Insiders" for broadcast companies have become great sources of info. I interviewed Dodgers GM Ned Colletti last year on my old radio show, he commented (unrequested) on the air about how he
reads the rumor page. I scan give or take 180 newspapers a night and probably another 20 to 30 sites for NASCAR and sports gossip news. Get an average of 10 items a day from tips via e mail.

5. Dream job? Go.

I'm living my dream.

6. Read any blogs? Which ones?

Well of course this one, since you are interviewing me. I really don't have much time to check them out. Some of the old blogs I would read have become major sites. Heck many newspapers these days have a bunch of guys pretending to be bloggers. Guess I don't know what a regular independent blog is these days.

7. Where you are at FOX Sports with the radio show and Web portion, at your age and with your experience, what's the next logical career step?

You never wanna stand still, but I'd like to keep building my name brand by doing these gigs for a long time. I love late night radio, the callers are better, the vibe is more fun. Most radio during the day is too stiff for my tastes.

8. We've dabbled with the idea of getting in to sports radio because, frankly, we can't think of a job that's more fun: you get to talk about sports all day (or night). Is it as dreamy as we think or are there the pet peeves and downsides that come with any job?

It's the best. I always have an excuse. Sorry can't do something, (i.e. shopping with girlfriend, house work) have to watch that NFL game for WORK.

As for hosting the show, its not just about doing sports; anyone can do that. It's about doing a good radio show. That's what separates the bad hosts from the guys who make it big in this business.

9. Has being a FOX Sports employee led to access to any noteworthy sporting events, parties with Playmates or run-ins with celebs?

I hung out with Jay Mohr (he's a fan of the website) at a Clippers game and have spent many nights at Dodger Stadium talking baseball with David Lander (aka Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley) does that count as celebrity run ins? Kind of pathetic if you ask me. What happened
to the Playmates and models?

10. You're having dinner with a dead president, professional athlete and female celebrity. Who are they and why?

William Howard Taft, Babe Ruth and Marilyn Monroe. Taft is the last fat president, I'm guessing he knows a good meal and loved baseball. Babe can eat and he has to tell me how many of those stories are true. I need to see Marilyn to know if she was as beautiful as the legend goes and also hear some of those crazy stories.

Make us suck less

Our pal Lozo at the wonderful Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog is cleverly trying to figure out which of the top 64 blogs is the shittiest. It's conveniently set up in a bracket, of course.

We're a No. 9 seed which seems like we kind of suck and kind of don't suck. We're paired against Armchair GM which we don't think is actually a blog. But we want to get smoked by it. We think.

So go vote for Armchair GM. NOT US. Unless you think we suck. In that case vote for us. And thanks for reading anyway. Then fuck yourself.

Celtics Continue to Slump

The Chicago Bulls are first in the Eastern Conference and the Boston Celtics are second. Those who follow NBA basketball picks found at BetUS after their meeting on Thursday night, it is blatantly clear that these two teams are heading in opposite directions.

The Bulls handled the Celtics a 97-81 loss, which sent a stern message loud and clear: we are for real.

The Bulls have climbed to the top of the Eastern Conference and are closing in on securing home court advantage throughout the East playoffs, which many experts feel they might need to level the playing field with the Celtics, Orlando Magic and Miami Heat.

But the way the Bulls are playing, it may be the other teams that have plenty to prove. The Bulls have won nine of 10 and are moving towards the playoffs with plenty of momentum. Meanwhile, the Celtics couldn’t be colder right now.

Boston is just 7-7 in their last 14 and they have been very pedestrian since the bizarre trade of Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson.

They have had a gaping hole in their frontcourt without Perkins as Jermaine O’Neal has been out with injuries, although he’s back now, and Shaquille O’Neal has also spent much of his time on the sidelines. The Celtics went from what appeared to be a deep rotation in the frontcourt to a very thin lineup that is readily being exposed.

There is no question that this is an experienced, veteran team that could still repeat as East champs if they put the pedal to the metal but right now, they are out of sync.

Throw in the fact that they watched their defensive guru from last year, coach Tom Thibodeau, create the Bulls into a monster, and the Celtics are definitely showing a few chinks in the armor. The playoffs are rapidly approaching and the Celtics better iron out the kinks or their journey won’t be a long one.

What Chris Douglas-Roberts' tattoo says

Once upon a time there was a boy with the initials CDR. It stood for my name, but is now more recognizable with recordable discs. You know who recorded a disc? Jay-Z. Yeah. And he married Beyoncé. Like what the fuck? She's fucking fine man. I would make sweet love to her all night long. I wonder if she likes basketball players. It's my mission in life to play in the NBA and make sweet sweet love to Beyoncé. Jay-Z would probably have me whacked, but I don't care. That ass is worth the risk. I wonder if Mike Myers and her really kissed in that Austin Powers movie. That would be weird because she's hot and he's Canadian. She was holding out for me anyway. And I'm tall and I'm going to the NBA so I totally have a chance. And I'm not Canadian. I don't think so anyway. If the Nets draft me things then might get a little fucked up. I probably shouldn't let Jay-Z read this essay on my arm. That might cause domestic problems. Detroit would also be cool. That's my home town. But Memphis would be cool too. I also fucking love nachos.

Coaches with the most distinct appearance

What was Roy Williams thinking Saturday? That tie! That fucking tie!

It looks he's wearing a kilt around his neck. That tie could be turned into a flannel shirt that Eddie Vedder wore 15 years ago when Pearl Jam was good. If Roy Williams has more clothing with that same pattern, he'd be better off making instructional videos how to hunt deer than coach basketball.

While Williams is often well dressed, his neck-wear Saturday got us thinking about some of the most distinct looks coaches have.

On the following list, all are either basketball or football coaches since baseball coaches wear uniforms and nobody watches hockey.

Why only eight? Because eight is a lucky number in Chinese culture, asshole. (And because we couldn't think of 10).

As always with lists, we surely left some out, so help us out in the comments. Here's what we came up with:

8. Red Auerbach, Boston Celtics:


Auerbach's signature cigar would never be allowed these days, because smoking is bad for you and the NBA isn't any fun. But Auerbach, a coaching legend, often had his cigar which makes him stand out in any coaching circles. He probably would have been higher on the list, but few who read this blog can remember the 50s and 60s.

7. Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings:


Those fucking mock turtlenecks! So out of style, yet so in style when worn by the former Vikes coach. As a kid he would've gotten beat up. As a huge man, he brought the cool back to the mock turtleneck. Well, no he didn't. Not at all. The fucking Fonz couldn't make a mock turtleneck cool.

6. John Chaney, Temple:


Disheveled, pissed off and a little drunk looking summarize the appearance of former Temple legend John Chaney pretty well. His tie was always loosened, his sleeves rolled up and he always seemed ready for that post-game Scotch.

5. Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors:


It's a good look for that mid-20s something trying to look hip on a night out: the sport coat with a t-shirt underneath. Hey, it looks classy...until you have a gut. Nellie's beer belly is on full display when his coat is unbuttoned showing off his body-hugging t-shirt. But for a guy who drinks a lot and coaches our hometown Warriors, he can wear whatever he likes.

4. Al Groh, Virginia:


The crew-neck sweatshirt was made for him...and nobody else.

3. Bob Knight, Indiana/Texas Tech:


The sweaters. Boy does he like sweaters. Maybe he fondles his sweaters.

2. John Thompson, Georgetown:


Towels are not for bathing or for drying the dishes, dammit! Thompson was perhaps the best walking advertisement the towel industry will ever have. (If such a thing as the "towel industry" exists). We might start slinging a towel over our shoulder when we blog.

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots:


The hooded-sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off and hood up. You could recognize him from a distance, making him the coach with the most distinct style, even though that style makes him look better suited to stand in an unemployment line or be the leader of the Dark Side than coach a football team.

The Final Four!

And then there were four...

Cavs Amanda, Suns Amanda, Meghan Vasconcellos and Jaclyn. The WYD tourney is mimicking the real Dance with the top four seeds reaching the semifinals.

We'll have both showdowns tomorrow, with the WYD championship coming Monday, just in time for that other championship.

Iona coach wrongfully fired?

Some fun facts about Iona College:

Location: New Rochelle, NY.
Mascot: Gaels
Motto: Fight the good fight.
Enrollment: Approx. 4,800.
Type: Private and Catholic
Notable Alumni: Don McLean, the man behind "American Pie."
Skeletons in Closet: Looks down upon Social Sciences, no quad, Dean of Students roots for Fordham, Gael looks like a leprechaun, athletic officials might be racist.

If there's any validity in this story, perhaps Iona officials didn't get the memo about Civil Rights.

Nearly four years after he filed a lawsuit against Iona College alleging wrongful termination based on his marriage to a black woman, former men's basketball assistant coach Craig Holcomb has been granted the opportunity to state his case in front of a jury.

A three-judge panel decided Holcomb was entitled to prove an interracial marriage did motivate Iona to fire him, noting it was the first time it had concluded an employer could potentially violate the Civil Rights Act by dismissing an employee based on association with a person of another race.

Holcomb contends his 2001 marriage to Pamela Gauthier was viewed within the college as a detriment to fundraising, and says it played a role in the school ultimately firing him.

Iona maintains there were a number of problems on and off the court, that prompted the firing.

Holcomb had helped coach the Gaels to a winning record in all but one of his seasons and guided the team to three NCAA Tournament appearances. Yes. Problems on the court.

Holcomb says Iona former AD Rich Petriccione verbalized a racial bias on numerous occasions. Witnesses testified Petriccione used the "n" word and other slurs in reference to members of the basketball team and staff members at the college.

Holcomb testified Petriccione offered an offensive remark in February 2000 when asked whether a wedding invitation had been received. According to court documents, Petriccione responded by asking if Holcomb was, "really going to marry that Aunt Jemima?"

Like he was going to marry a bottle of syrup. Pffft.

Baseball's most exciting, young team

Just face it. Your team's gonna suck this year. Or it's going to disappoint. Our blow a late division lead and make you swear off baseball for eternity. But it'll probably just suck.

We know all of you root for the Giants because that's really the only team you should ever root for (and because we said so). And we all know that they'll probably score about 26 runs all season and go a record 0-161. (There will surely be a rainout that won't need to be made up).

While we all seem to root for teams that make us want to claw out our eyes, perhaps you'd be better off rooting for a team that has built for the future through great draft picks and is more exciting than a night as Matt Leinart's wing man.

Of all the young and up-and-coming teams out there, none should be as exciting, surprising and successful (and as quickly) as the Cincinnati Reds.

SI's baseball preview (still one of the best issues all year) has most of the info you need here. But with 26-year-old second baseman Brandon Phillips (30 HR, 94 RBI, 32 SB in '07) and 22-year-old right-hander Johnny Cueto already in the bigs, Reds fans will get a taste of the future now.

And the huge minor-league prospects aren't far behind. You've heard the names: Homer Bailey (21), Joey Votto (24) and Jay Bruce (21, tomorrow. Happy birthday!). Bailey dominated triple-A last season before being unimpressive when called up; Votto hit .321 in 24 games in a Reds jersey and Jay Bruce has the name of a guy who will win an MVP. Expect to see all called up this summer.

So stop rooting for your team and adopt the Cincinnati Reds. This year might be a wash, but if you start rooting now, you won't fully be a bandwagoner when they start contending on a yearly basis.

Your Wednesday bestiality fix

So this dropped in our inbox from a friend yesterday. We highly suggest you read it out loud with a coworker, but definitely not your animal-loving boss.

the other day i saw part of a documentary about that guy up in the seattle area who died a few years ago of internal injuries suffered when he let a stallion fuck him up the ass. you remember that? this guy was part of a group of people who liked to fuck horses. what i couldn't figure out was whether taking it in the ass from the horse was their standard operating procedure if it was beyond what they normally did, and thus resulted in death. it would be hard to imagine somebody getting sodomized by a horse and NOT dying of internal injuries, no? i thought the movie would be funny but as it turned out it was just weird and disturbing and not very good. also totally disgusting.

don't get me wrong. it isn't that "zoo" was without its charms. there were some touching scenes, such as the one where a group of people sits around watching one of the videos confiscated from the ranch, in which a man fucks a horse. you don't see much of the video, except for a horse on its hind quarters as though to mount a man. mostly you just see the people's faces and hear a guy groaning. sorta groaning in the way you'd expect a guy to groan if he was getting fucked up the ass by a horse. sorta like that. also there is a part where an animal rescue worker is talking about when she came to the ranch to take away the stallion and she says "then a little pony ran up under him and started giving the stallion a blow job. it was very strange."