Hang in there Buck!

Bad news over on ESPN.com today, where we find out that Negro Leagues legend Buck O'Neil is in the hospital. A few of us Big Picture contributors had the pleasure of seeing Buck speak a few years back when he was traveling with a touring exhibit from the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum. He later got the ultimate shaft by falling one vote short of being elected to the Hall of Fame. He also recently played in a minor league all-star game at age 94. What a guy! Here's hoping Buck makes a speedy recovery.

-Jameson Costello

No in-season firings. Boo.

What the hell? It seems every year -- some years more than others, of course -- that MLB managers will have a terrible team/attitude/case of the shits and get fired in the middle of the year.

Well baseball fans, that can't be said this season. Remarkably there were no in-season coaching changes in the bigs. (We think. Please correct us if we're wrong).

Though maybe there should have been. The Royals' Buddy Bell, for example, is leading a 100-loss campaign.

Jim Tracy is doing a real bang up job in Pittsburgh, driving the Pirates into the ground.

Eric Wedge wins "Underachiever of the Year."

There was speculation that Dusty Baker would get fired in Chicago. Well, he hasn't yet and the Cubs are still fucking terrible.

It's kind of refreshing not to have coaches getting canned. It's bad for the clubhouse, bad for the fans and probably kind of shitty for the coach who got the axe. Changing the coach mid-year won't likely help a team too much either; a bad team is still going to be bad.

Surely some coaches won't be back next season, but not too much shakeup this year. Strange.

And while we're on the topic...

Norv Turner Update: Still in as the 49ers offensive coordinator. But we did find this cool picture.

In other baseball news: The Mets' Pedro Martinez will miss the entire postseason after breaking his hand while attempting suicide.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a rant

Mike Valenti of the Sports Inferno on Detroit's 1270 XYT provides you with your Thursday afternoon laugh attack. The radio host provides one of the most outrageous on air rants we've ever heard. There's melting down after a bad loss and then there's this, which we'll refer to has as fucking losing it. (You can hear it here).

Valenti is a big Michigan State fan, and, well, he doesn't take the Spartans loss to Notre Dame well.

Our favorite line Valenti says: "You're asking Drew Stanton to run the option in Hurricane Katrina!"

What?! Not only does Valenti lose it, he makes no fucking sense while doing it.

Fantastic stuff!

As for Valenti, "I got nothing left. I got nothing left."

After laughing as hard as we just did, we don't have anything left either.

A huge hat tip to The House Rock Built via the Wiz.

Jenn Sterger knows it all

We all know by now that SI.com's Jenn Steger (painful to say, by the way) has got all the answers. And we mean all the answers.

But the real question is who the hell are the guys writing to her? These guys are either:

a.) Desperate for sex
b.) half-retarded
c.) all of the above

We'll go with "C." These guys are morons among fucking morons. Jenn Sterger knows one thing, take that back, two things. And that is how to gain attention in the Florida State bleachers, and a good doctor to enhance her tits.

We've touched on Jenn and her ignorance plenty. Though we've never ridiculed her fans and emailers, which, really, is remarkable.

We're not out to haunt Jenn and beat her to shit, but really, if these guys are writing in to her mailbag, they might as well find her at a bar, say, "Do you come here often?" and leave with their dignity below their morality.

Yeah, pretty pathetic. But hey, Jenn's all about the Subway Series. So, yeah, go New York.

Apparently money can buy you happiness

At least that's what TO's publicist seems to think. In the aftermath of the Terrell Owens "yes he did, no he didn't" attempted-suicide incident, Kim Etheredge, TO's publicist, said "Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive." The 25 million she's talking about are, of course, the 25 million bucks the Dallas Cowboys agreed to pay Owens to break his hand and try to kill himself catch touchdowns and lead them to a Super Bowl.

Now the last we checked even rich people could be depressed. But heck, if money really does buy happiness, point me to the nearest Lotto dealer.

Don't-hate-me-for-writing-this-post disclaimer: Suicide, attempted or otherwise, is a very serious matter and not something to joke about. I believe TO when he says the incident was not a suicide attempt and I thought the quote from his publicist was funny. Maybe not so much funny as sad that she would think that just because the guy is getting 25 million that it would cure any problems he might have.

-Jameson Costello

St. Louis, we have a problem...

...And that problem is trying to hold off the resilient baseball team from Houston.

The Cardinals, who were swept over the weekend by the Astros, haven't won for about six weeks, and the Astros seem to be winning every day (each streak is at seven, by the way).

What was a seven-game NL Central lead a week ago is now down to a game and a half. The Cardinals are just 80-76, and claim they don't play in the NL West.

What this collapse has led to is chaos in baseball's best city.

"I'm going to go home, pour myself a double scotch neat, and put my grandpa's old revolver on the kitchen table," a St. Louis diehard, who wished to remain anonymous, said after yesterday's 7-5 loss to San Diego. "I don't know what's going to happen. Just tell my wife I love her."

Hold on, "anonymous." You are still winning the division. It probably doesn't feel that way, but spare your family for at least a few more days. Save the suicide for Sunday if the Cards do indeed complete the meltdown.

But scotch, gun, kitchen table? How cliché.

No members of the Astros were available to comment on what effect this late-season surge could have on midwestern families in the coming days.

But we believe Roger Clemens would have this to say to any Cards fans of Asian decent.

Should be a lively crowd at Busch today. Anthony Reyes (5-7, 4.92 ERA) on the hill for the Red Birds against San Diego's Chris Young (within two outs of no-hitter last outing).

On second thought, having the gun out isn't such a bad idea.

In other news: Arizona coach Dennis Green is sticking with Kurt Warner as his quarterback after Matt Leinart refused to give him Paris Hilton's phone number in exchange for a start.

Last we checked, it's called Monday Night Football

They came for football and got an extravagana!

Naturally we tuned in to the Saints/Falcons game last night. It was the beginning of a long week, we had a case of the "Mondays," and fuck, we just wanted to watch some sports.

Well, tuning into MNF, we got a bit more than that. We're not talking about all the emotion of the players, fans, and city. No, that's cool. New Orleans has been through more devastation than Joan Rivers has cosmetic surgery. It's fine that there was plenty of discussion about sports and the Saints helping rebuild New Orleans.

But the pregame/halftime events! You're fucking kidding! We don't need U2. We don't need Green Day. If this is the Super Bowl, well, at least we know not to turn on the TV until kickoff.

But frankly, we tuned in early trying to here Tony Kornheiser tell a joke or two and instead we got U2's The Edge practically shoving his guitar up Billy Joe's backdoor.

The Mighty MJD, blogging over at the AOL Fanhouse, had a great line regarding more pregame festivities.

"Oh, good, Ashton Kutcher. I was wondering what he thought about all of this."

Bang up job in "Dude, Where's my Car?"

Dead on, MJD. We don't care about Kutcher's acting, we don't care how often he cries after he makes love to Demi Moore, and we could give two shits what he thinks about football.

Also on hand was George Bush, Sr. Hmm. Seems like a strange guy to flip the coin. Insomniac beats us all to the joke when he says, "Atlanta calls tails. It is tails. George H. Bush does not care about the New Orleans Saints!"

Really, out of all the people they could have flip the coin they chose the father of the guy who was waiting until the next Olympic Games to send help to New Orleans?

Strange, indeed.

Talk about a bittersweet win

So apparently there's this college called North Carolina Central, which, we're guessing, is located in central North Carolina. We hadn't heard about it until yesterday and we're guessing you're hearing about it for the first time now.

The school itself we could give half a shit about. Like we already said, it's probably in the center of North Carolina. But this little school played a little football game Saturday against Southern University (who you better have heard of because of its annual meeting with Grambling which airs on NBC for some odd reason) and they beat 'em 27-20.

But some clever scoundrels from Baton Rouge (where the game was played) robbed the visiting locker room during the game. Yeah, bandits!

Picture this: You're a N.C. Central player, you just beat a pretty solid squad, you're slapping teammates' asses and giving reach-arounds walking back to the locker room, and then, shit, you're stuff isn't there. Just vanished. You figure a janitor has moved your shoes, DVD player, jewelry and double-headed dildoes to the side or something.

But then you don't find it anywhere. Then you discover that someone was murdered outside this same stadium at Southern's last game. Then you hear that fans at the game all had to pass through a metal-detector just to get in. Then you realize some Louisiana bandits probably ripped you off.

At least N.C. Central won the game.

Tigers? Playoffs? Really!!!??

Way back in April, some guy probably got wasted on free 7-and-7s at a Harrah's in Nevada and put $10 on Detroit to make the playoffs. That guy is probably drowning in Johnny Walker Blue and making sexual advances at his boss' wife right about now.

Yeah, the Tigers -- the Detroit fucking Tigers! -- are going to the playoffs for the first time since the Cold War. They beat Kansas City 11-4 yesterday to assure themselves a place in the postseason. Hard not to forget this is the same team that lost 457 games three years ago.

Jim Leyland should probably be your AL Manager of the Year. And he's probably gonna smoke a carton of cigarettes today. Hell, he's taking Detroit to the playoffs. Why not smoke two?

Monday Morning Bloggerback

Thoughts from a mildly entertaining Week 3 of the NFL...

- Sucks to be Chris Simms. Lose the game (26-24 to Carolina) then lose your spleen. And who says quarterbacks are over-protected in the NFL. Wait a tick, we do! The irony is that there was no personal foul call on the play that likely cost him his organ.

- Simms is likely done for the year. What a break for Tampa (0-3).

- Chicago's 3-0 and Rex Grossman's the quarterback. Thank you, Robbie Gould.

- The Colts beat the Jaguars. Why again did people think this would turn out otherwise?

- Bill Cowher must've popped some blood vessels in his head yesterday. Pittsburgh coughed up the ball and then the game. Big win for Cincy in the Steel City.

- Seattle (again) is the team to beat in the NFC. New York (down 42-3 after three quarters) looked more like the Little Giants.

- And Jeremy Shockey acted like one. "We got outplayed and outcoached," Shockey, who mistook Tom Coughlin for Rick Moranis, told the Associated Press. "Write that down." We just did, dipshit.

- Being in the Northwest market, we were stuck with Seahawks coverage until the clock reached 0:00. B-O-R-I-N-G. Take us around the league, dammit. But FOX is way too smart to think of that. We missed a pretty exciting ending in Arizona.

- Mark Brunell: 22 straight completions against Houston. And Mario Williams was the pick? Reggie Bush probably could've broken up at least one pass.

- Denver officially has New England's number. And Jake Plummer is no longer Mountain-Man Jake. New look. Very chic.

- Brett Favre throws TD No. 400. Still spells name funny.

- Sunday's "add injury to insult" performance: Philly's Mike Patterson returns a goal-line fumble 98 yards for an Eagle touchdown. San Francisco's Frank Gore (strained abdomen) and Vernon Davis (cracked bone in leg) injured on the play.

Baltimore + protests = savage town

We had no idea baseball fans could be this savage.

Baltimore Orioles fans, who seem to think owner Peter Angelos is this guy, protested the state of the team yesterday, staging a "Free the Birds" protest in the middle of the game against Detroit.

What is a "Free the Birds" protest, you ask? Well, it was planned by a rockin' southern country band that died in a plane crash.

It really involved nearly 1,000 pissed-off Orioles fans who wore black T-shirts that said "Free the Birds." The demonstration was aimed at the beloved Baltimore owner who apparently isn't pleasing his customers all that much (Baltimore hasn't had a winning record since Ray Lewis and Tony Siragusa played for them back in 1997 -- and have won fewer games this season than the Ravens).

Here's the best part: In the middle of the fourth inning at 5:08 p.m. (5 for Brooks Robinson and 8 for Cal Ripken -- just adorable, aren't they?), the mob up and split from Camden Yards. Yeah, at 5:08 p.m. they just left the game. We figure if they were eating hot dogs they just put them down or passed them to a neighbor.

This does seem to be the whole notion of a protest, you know, getting up and making a big point. But leaving the game? Didn't they pay for a ticket? Didn't they want to see Nick Markakis hit?

Now the bestest (what the fuck?) part: The rally was run by a radio station owner named Nestor Aparicio, a Baltimorean, we presume. But our pal Nestor isn't just any man. He's the nephew of Luis Aparicio, the former Oriole shortstop who picked it with the best of them.

This city continues to amaze us with its savagery. Good work, Baltimore.

(The irony here, of course, is that Baltimore won the game, 4-3.)

Fuck you, Joe Buck. Fuck you

We've had enough. Enough we tell ya. Joe Buck is on our TV set for far too long each Sunday and we're sick and tired of it and him.

The Fox pregame show is a disgusting effort and Buck is 110% why. The guy should really just step in front of a fucking truck.

The boys over at Kissing Suzy Kolber had a nice piece on Buck Tuesday. Pulled some commentary from around the media and the consensus was that Buck sucks worse than a BJ from this chick.

We don't like to rant. We really don't. But Joe Buck just makes us so angry. And we know we've mentioned our distaste for him before, but we had to bring our hate of this man to your attention again. We're by no means violent people, but Buck just makes us want to do mean stuff to him like either this or this (see no. 3).

Buck is so bad, we think he should shoulder the blame for everything that is wrong with this world. War. Blame Buck. Poverty. All his fault. Famine. Guess who? The world would just be a better place without Daddy's Boy.

And just look at this man. He looks like a fucking ventriloquist doll. Something about him...huge head, combed hair, wide smile that says,"I'm better than you, you fucking asshole."

Well guess what, Joe? You're not better than us. Though your pompous-ass should probably be named like Charles Wellington or something fancy sounding like that. Buck is so proper, so arrogant and is happy to tell you that you are inferior to him.

The thought of Buck making money for what he does just boggles the mind. If we were you, Joe, we would look into a witness relocation program. Now.

Yay! It's NFL talk shit week!

Usually NFL bickering doesn't start this early. Just two weeks into the season and already two heart-warming stories about players talking shit about their coaches and vice versa. Ahh, fun stuff coming from guys who are paid to hit people, not talk.

The stories...

First we have some displeasure in the Dawg Pound. Turns out in Cleveland it's (gasp!) Romeo Crennel (the coach) "calling the shots." It seems our motor-cycle-riding pal Kellen Winslow thought he was the coach.

Winslow, who has played four games in his distinguished NFL career, believes his presence on the field is the key to winning football games. Needless to say, the Browns aren't winning games, so Winslow thought he'd bitch about his coaches. Hell, wouldn't you!?

The situation in Tennessee (also 0-2) is even livlier. Coach Jeff Fisher (who isn't one to get in intra-team scuffles) is ripping into recently traded QB Billy Volek – something about throwing the organization and some teammates under a bus.

Maybe we're ignorant on this subject, but an organization seems bigger than a bus, making it hard to throw it under one. Also -- and we could be wrong -- but an ogranization isn't usually something tangible. It's an idea. A concept.

And shouldn't there be a criminal investigation if people are getting tossed under a bus? This Duquense thing is nothing compared to players tossing other players under moving vehicles. We're guessing, by the way, that they were speaking of the team bus. That, or they were speaking metaphorically.

According to Fisher, a lie was involved, but the report doesn't say as to what the lie was. It probably wasn't that Volek told teammates about Fisher's use of Just For Men hair products. Probably regarded the state of the Titans and his role with the club. Regardless, a bitter breakup is going on in the Music City.

So, good stuff out of the NFL in this the early goings of the 2006 season. And it didn't even invlove T.O., Randy Moss, Chad Johnson or any other receiver for that matter. Wow, so much to look forward to!

In other news: The New York Yankees clinched the AL East Wednesday despite the team having a group therapy session during the third inning.

Reignman must be making more kids

Shawn Kemp -- notorious for letting his dick loose -- had a planned workout with the Chicago Bulls Monday.

And surprise, surprise he didn't make it. He likely won't get a second chance.

Now what was the Reignman doing instead?

Well, take a walk today. Get some fresh air. And while you're doing it, take a glance at a woman you see -- any woman, really -- age 12-57. If you see one, the chance that she has carried one of Kemp's babies is really pretty good.

The man has fathered more babies than total points he's scored. Really, the guy's a mess. He also gained some weight and smoked/sniffed/possibly injected some drugs.

So we suppose it's sad to see Kemp not show up at his workout. Getting him back in the league would really be just great for all parties. And it's probably cheap of us to constantly use the same old jokes with him and his kids -- a few of our readers (and perhaps one of our writers, JMC) may be loosely related to Kemp, in fact.

From now on it's nothing but support for Kemp. Maybe he'll come back and play for Isiah and the Knicks. That'd be fun.

In other news: The New Orleans Saints sold out their season after it was revealed that Drew Brees' birth-mark has monetary value.

Monday Morning Bloggerback

Thoughts on NFL week two (and maybe even some college football as well):

- What a comeback by the Giants against the Eagles. Guess there's more to Eli Manning than just the name.

- Roy Williams sure made himself look smart this week. After guaranteeing a victory over the Bears, his Lions put up a whopping 7 points in a drubbing by Chicago. Apparently he also said that in their first game it was stupid how close they came to scoring 40. Maybe Roy wasn't a math major, 'cause 40 is pretty damn far from 6 on the number line. Looks like he should have waited until this week to make any guarentees, seeing as how he'll be facing the Packers next Sunday.

- Two words about two highly regarded football teams: OVER-RATED!

- A familiar sight in San Francisco on Sunday, as a wide receiver wearing number 81 threw a temper tantrum, then made the opposing defense look silly. Definitely a good week to be a Niners fan.

- Looks like T.O. will be going back to spinning class.

- Nice game by Louisville on Saturday. And no, www.firecoker.com is not up yet, but this is!

- In most cities, kids play a fun playground game called SPUD. We hear that in San Diego they call it STUD.

- Let's see, Mario Williams: 2 tackles, 0 sacks, Houston at 0-2. Reggie Bush: 68 receiving yards and the Saints are 2-0.

And finally:

- We hear that the line in Vegas now has the over-under for Raiders wins this season at 1. We're taking the under.

-Jameson Costello

Mr. Bush (no, not George) may have taken some money that wasn't his

So remember a while back when there was all that fuss about Reggie Bush's family taking a house they didn't pay for or something like that? Yeah, well Reggie and his family may be in a tad bit more trouble.

Yahoo! Sports reports Bush and his family appear to have accepted gifts, money and peep shows worth nearly $100,000 from marketing agents. You can find the details here.

And one of the agents' names is Michael Michaels. No, he's not a pornstar. Yes, his parents are fucking cruel.

Because of this, there's a chance that USC could get stripped of its National Championship and Bush his Heisman Trophy.

We think this is really just pretty weak. Enough is enough. Let Reggie play some football already. Sure, he may have taken some money. He may also have butt-fucked a donkey, but you don't hear the media going ape shit over that.

Let the athletes play and leave the scandals for the politicians. Like the other Bush.

In other news: The Arizona Diamondbacks and OF Luis Gonzalez will part ways after the season because Gonzo pissed off Big Bird.

Anything to get a leg up

It seems that the world just keeps getting weirder. Northern Colorado bacup punter Mitch Cozad is accused of stabbing the starting punter in the leg. This is almost too good. I mean, did the guy really think he could get away with this? Like, he'd just walk into practice the next day and try to act surprised that all of a sudden he had the job? Now we know that football players aren't exactly known for their brains, and Northern Colorado isn't exactly Ivy League, but can Mitch really be that dumb?

It seems that he can be. If you read more you'll discover that Mitch made his getaway in his own car, and stopped to take the tape off the license plate right outside a liquor store. Most likely he also dropped his wallet in the parking lot where he did the deed and left a lock of his hair in case they need to do some DNA analysis. He probably also bought the knife on campus and left the receipt in his clubhouse locker.

The starter, Rafeal Mendoza, is unsure of when he'll be able to return. Who will punt for the Bears in the meantime remains a mystery. Probably some walk-on will come in, or they'll let the placekicker have a shot at it. Either choice sounds entertaining at least. Maybe they can bring in a girl from the soccer team and it will inspire a cheesy sports movie.

The moral of the story? Don't injure your teammates. Of course we thought that lesson was learned already. Oh well, anything to get a leg up.

-Jameson Costello

Karl Malone has been doing some strange shit

A man that strong could really do some damage to an elk
Karl Malone, the former basketball player for that Utah team, well, he's back in the news for some weird stuff he did a while back.

Aside from the polygamy that he likely got into while playing for the Jazz, he has been accused of offering a bribe.

And why is he bribing somebody? To take the blame for an illegal elk hunting trip.

Get right the fuck outta town. Elk hunting, huh? Karl Malone? Um, ok.

Pretty strange for a guy like Malone to go elk hunting. And frankly, why is it illegal? We believe all hunting should be against the law, but what set elk aside from birds? Hell, if Malone wanted to do some illegal hunting and pay some dude to cover it up, just put a fucking bullet in Barbaro. That'd shut some people up.

We don't exactly see Malone in retirement just going out elk hunting all the time. We imagine he's more the type to frequent a bordello. But whatever. It's his time, not ours.

In other news: The New York Islanders signed goalie Rick DiPietro to an NHL-record 15-year contract when it was discovered that DiPietro was only 14-years old.

Idiot Coach Goes on Trial

How did we miss this? HOW DID WE MISS THIS? Wait, maybe we wrote about this before... checks The Big Picture archive... How in the WORLD did we miss this?!?!?

Well, it seems as if this story slipped past The Big Picture sensors. On second thought, this story first popped up before The Big Picture existed. Maybe that's why we missed it. Maybe you didn't miss it, but if you did, get ready to be disgusted:

Mark Downs, idiot, is going on trial, and guess what he's accused of? Bribing an 8 year old T-Ball player to bean his autistic teammate. Seriously. We wish that this was one we made up. Actually, we'd be pretty frightened of ourselves if we came up with this one. Real or imaginary, this is bad news.

The worst part is that this dude wasn't just some idiot overzealous parent, he was the coach. THE COACH! Why would a coach want one of his own players to get hurt? So he wouldn't be able to play of course. See in little league there's this pesky mandatory play rule. Get the kid hurt and you won't have to stick him in right field for 2 innings. It's strange to imagine how the conversation went...

-Hey Keith?
-Yeah coach?
-Do me a favor.
-Uhm, ok.
-Warm up with Harry over there, and uh, bean him in the head.
-What? No!
-C'mon kid, we gotta win today and Harry sucks. Plus he's retarded.
-But that's mean.
-There's 25 bucks in it for you.
-Okie dokie.

Can't say much to defend the kid either, but at least he's come to his senses and agreed to testify against the coach.

Now we know that there are a lot of crazy, stupid, alcoholic parents living vicariously through their children who take little league way too seriously. But this has got to be the lowest of the low. Parents fighting eachother, parents fighting the umpires, parents fighting the coach - that's pretty bad. The coach paying an 8 year old 25 bucks to hit his teammate? Terrible. Here's hoping this jackass goes to prison. Preferably a Turkish one. And part of his sentence should be that he has to watch the video of J-Mac once a day.

In other news: The refs in the Monday Night Chargers-Raiders game just gave Randy Moss the most ridiculous taunting penalty of all time.

-Jameson Costello

Monday Morning Bloggerback.

Lots of moving, road-tripping, and inconsistent internet access for the BP crew, so just some thoughts on the first NFL Sunday:

- Those Mannings sure can make good commercials. Did you see that one with Archie? Oh, and they played a pretty good game against eachother also.

- Speaking of Sunday Night Football, that "Rock Star" thing on NBC has got nothing on the ol' Horse Trailer.

- Domanick Davis out for the season and Reggie Bush goes for 141 total yards in the opener. Wonder how the fans in Houston feel about Mario now?

- The 49ers' Larry Allen and Jonas Jennings are both knocked out, and are questionable for next week. Is there a curse on the Niners offensive line? We can't remember the last time SF had a healthy OL. Oh wait, yes we can.

- The Patriots win on a safety? Lame?

- 3 words: Should have retired.

- This was way better than this. Why fix what ain't broke?

- Two Monday Night games? What is happening to the world?

Back with a full post tomorrow.

-Jameson Costello

Ian Johnson loves to pound beaver

Don't know who Ian Johnson is? Neither did we.

Though he will be a household name when Sportscenter is through with him. He's a sophomore running back for Boise State and a had a career game Thursday against Oregon State.

Johnson blasted the Beaver for 240 yards and five TDs. Holy fuck!
Put that in a fantasy football league and we have a 42-point affair. That's really a helluva game. And he did it all against a team nicknamed the Beavers.

Sometimes it's too easy to make the obvious reference to, you know, that female body part. But it's just really kind of fun, and while immature yes, it still can generate a laugh or two.

To say that Johnson pounded the Spartans or Bears for 240 and five scores really just sounds like something you'd read in the morning paper or hear on TV. But you don't get shit like, Johnson fucks the Beavers. It's really just a great timing that Johnson had his coming out game against a team nicknamed the Beavers.

Yeah, timing is everything.

The man in the picture, by the way, is named Ian Johnson. He isn't the one who ran for many yards last night. Though you knew that anyway -- the v-neck sweater was a dead giveaway, huh?

In other news: Pittsburgh beat Miami 28-17 Thursday after a Bill Cowher scowl caused Daunte Culpepper to throw both of his INTs.

Now this isn't your typical DUI

It must be drunk driving week or something.

Yesterday we talked about the San Jose Sharks' Mark Bell who had a felony hit-and-run the other day. Now today comes a story of Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen and his drunken escapades.

Cullen was arrested twice in the past two weeks -- one on suspicion of drunk driving, the other...wait for it...for driving nude!

This is your cue to say, "What the Fuck?" Really, what the fuck?!

Driving nude? We can only imagine what he was doing. Their isn't much explanation for why Cullen was nude, but the Lions say that alcohol was involved.

No shit. It's not like Cullen was sober and listening to Bonnie Raitt and felt inclined to take off his clothes.

Though even if he was loaded, what could possibly provoke a grown man from taking off his clothes and driving with it all hanging out? He was apparently alone in the car, so maybe he was like, "Aw hell, there's nothing on the radio..."

Was he coming on to the officer? Likely not, though that would sure make for a funny story.

We've talked about some strange, offbeat stories on this little website, but this one may take the cake.

Cullen, of course, apologized to his family, friends and the organization -- not like Matt Millen has never driven naked. But what is his family thinking? Just imagine his kids hearing how their father is a fucking oddball. Really, just bizarre.

Apparently Cullen had some alcohol-related problems last year which got him fired from Ole Miss. If he gets fired by the Lions, his next job will surely be in the Adult Film Industry.

In other news: Anibal Sanchez threw the first no-hitter in Major League Baseball since Billy Chapel's for the Tigers.

Bay Area sports figures need to lay off the bottle

Remember Esteban Loaiza? We're sure you do. But on the slim chance you don't, we'll remind you that he is a pitcher for the Oakland A's. Oh, and about two and a half months ago, he was pulled over for doing 120 MPH and was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving.

Smart, no? Hey, at least he didn't hit anybody.

Well, the same can't be said for San Jose Sharks forward Mark Bell. Bell, who, based on the picture to the side, is a bit, ugh, aggressive, was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving and felony hit-and-run after an accident this past weekend.

Great. Just great. Really, what's up with these athletes in The Bay? We can understand drinking; they're young athletes who like to indulge in an occasional one of these. But what's up with the drunk driving? C'mon, fellas, you know better than that. Well, maybe Loaiza doesn't. But we'll let that go.

But back to our hockey friend, Mark Bell. The AP story describes the scene of the accident and it appears that Bell crashed into a Datsun pickup. But Bell didn't exactly crash into him with his Hummer of Porsche. He hit the truck with a 2003 Toyota sedan.

You've got to be kidding? Bell just inked a $6.5 million deal with the Sharks and he's driving a fucking Camry? We suppose he could have been borrowing the car, but frankly, that'd just be worse. Drunk driving and a hit-and-run with somebody else's car isn't really a good thing.

Though, if there was an accomplice to the crime, it surely would be a Bay Area athlete. We're thinking Young Alex Smith. Yeah, that'd work.

In other news: The University of Texas climbed to No. 2 in the AP Poll Tuesday and will face No. 1 Ohio State next Saturday for the National Championship.

Jeff George and Marcus Vick, we hardly knew you

There are some reoccurring favorites here at TBP. We will talk about the S.S. Love Boat whenever, wherever possible; We like to think we're somewhat mature, but we can't help but discuss what female sports personalities we would do; And there's Barbaro. Ah, that fucking horse.

We also really like Jeff George and Marcus Vick. They're just the butt of endless jokes. And now, with the most recent NFL roster moves, we're like kids on Christmas morning: we can talk about George and Lil' Mexico in the same post!

Both were released Saturday -- George by the Raiders, Vick by the Dolphins -- and will now look for new homes. This is really too good to be true. Perhaps they'll wind up on the same team. Now that'd be something.

Though we'd rather them start some organized crime ring. We know that organized crime isn't exactly Lil' Mexico's thing, but shit, it's never too late to start.

George doesn't exactly strike us as someone who has the brains to pull off an intricate crime, but again, it's never too late to start.

We would just love to see these guys be partners in crime -- literally -- and then they'll make a movie. That'd be wonderful. Really, just wonderful.

Or they'll play in the CFL, which would also be appropriate. George looks half-Canadian anyway, and apparently drugs are easy to come by up there, which would make Vick a happy, happy man.

In other news: The Phillies' Ryan Howard hit three homers Sunday and will now appear before Congress to discuss his involvement with illegal substances.

Note: We'll be away until Tuesday or Wednesday morning on a little road trip, so this is your Labor Day post, a bit early. Ironically, it's about two people who are now unemployed. Funny how things work out.

It's College Football; ass-grooves get ready

College Football is in the air. That means tailgates, male cheerleaders and, oh, football.

The season kicked off last night with a few games, headlined by an SEC affair between Mississippi State and South Carolina. Two high profile coaches were on the sidelines -- South Carolina's Ol' Ball Coach and MSU's Sylvester Croom, who some in Starkville, Miss. may dislike because he's bla...err...he was a subpar 3-8 last season.

Not only do we now have an extra sport to keep us busy, but the ESPN personalities that have been in hibernation for six months are back in a big, bold way. Mark May still has a goatee, Trev Alberts still is stupid as a brick wall, and Lee Corso -- "not so fast my friend!" -- is still delusional. (He's picking Cal to win the National Championship, by the way. Hey, he coulda picked Washington).

Saturday will feature a full slate of games for your ass-groove forming pleasure. We plan to break in a new part of the sofa as we're molding the shape of our rock-hard butt while watching college football from 9-9. (Pacific Standard Time, as always).

It's a great time to be a football fan. And with so much up in the air this year, your team (even if you go to Temple) may have a shot at something big. As for our team, well, their shot at something big may be double-digit losses.

In other news: David Wells was traded from Boston to San Diego Thursday because Red Sox personnel claimed Wells was too heavy for the team plane.