Monday, September 24, 2007
Teams we can all root against
So we put together a list -- organized by sport -- of some teams that we think we can all root against together.
Call us out in the comments if we're way off. And, of course, leave your thoughts on the teams you personally hate (think: geographical reasons). Our list of teams we hate will lead things off.
Let the hate begin...
MLB:
Red Sox - Most obnoxious fans, evah. Fack you, ya facking queers.
Yankees - Like we need a reason.
NFL:
Patriots - See Red Sox comment. And Brady's a cockweasel.
Cowboys - You just know the owner of America's Team was once a card-carrying member of the KKK.
NBA:
Lakers - Yeah, ugh, Kobe raped somebody.
College football:
Notre Dame - Who's on your side now, bitch?
Alabama - Really it's just Nick Saban people hate. He's a cunt.
College basketball:
Duke - A few reasons: Laettner. Hurley. Battier. Redick. Coach K.
North Carolina - Powder blue is a fucking girl's color.
All right, folks. Spew your hate in the comments...
Charlie Weis is on MySpace
Go. Right now. Don't wait. Get on your horse and get moving, partna.
It will hands down be the funniest thing you read today. Unless, of course, you go re-read The Big Picture archives.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Blogger Interviews: Brian Cook
We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.
On the hot seat today is Brian Cook from the outstanding Michigan blog, MGoBlog. He also shares his college football wisdom at The FanHouse. We imagine he's been on a bit of a an emotional roller coaster of late, seeing as his beloved Wolverines are toying with their fans' heads. So go easy on him in the comments. But not too easy...
1. The rundown:
Name: Brian Cook
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
Occupation: Blogger (seriously!)
Favorite team: University of Michigan anything
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)
Quod Erat Demonstrandum
Eleven Swans
Zen And The Science Of Third Down Conversions
And, while no UFR (Upon Further Review) is a treasure trove of bon mots, it has become something of a signature offering. A typical example:
Upon Further Review: Offense vs Notre Dame (2006)
During football season: lots and lots, unless we lose to Appalachian State or something. (Like that would ever happen.) I would peg it at eight to twelve. During the offseason much less.
1. Wake up. If I have something prepared for the early part of the day, post it and enjoy a leisurely perusal of bloglines. If not, frantically scramble for something to put up.
2. Either way, I'm reading bloglines constantly for FanHouse items or MGoBlog stuff.
So how do you fix that? Making things not facile necessarily means putting some numbers behind them, or at least reviewing thing systematically to see where the points of failure and success are. It means doing something other than parroting conventional wisdom. Conveniently, I appear well suited for this task. I've always been good with numbers. This is where I note the engineering degrees: computer, two of them. I often joke about "not using" these degrees and how this distresses my parents, but that's not actually true. I use both the skills and the viewpoint the degree imparted to me, and these are both very useful. While the analytical features of the site were not specifically designed to make the blog stand out from other Michigan blogs, they do so because there aren't many engineers -- and I remain one of those at heart -- who ditch the whole well-paid nine-to-five for this adventure.
4. One of the things that impresses us most about MGoBlog is that it's a narrow focus, blogging solely about Michigan. Isn't it hard -- especially during the dreadfully long off-season -- to come up with enough material to keep readers entertained? Any secrets you have to finding content on painfully slow news days?
7. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?
I think we're heading towards a sort of free agent punditry. Occasionally I will follow my blog's referrers, and of late I've noticed something interesting: people are referring to me by my full name. I don't even use my full name except on the FanHouse -- on MGoBlog it's just Brian. But certain people are catching on that I am this person and I write things here and also there and that makes me an Entity. I occasionally get into conversations with people and the conversation veers to these things and I end up saying things like "please don't throw me into a wood chipper, but I am a brand. MGoBlog is a brand, I am a brand, and given traffic vectors and suchlike and so forth this could end up being something major." Orson is a brand, too, as is SMQB. And as these brands grow to a stature where they are not dwarfed by what I often uncharitably refer to as "lolmsm" you're beginning to see credibility attach to them. As this happens and more people start finding blogs they like, the stigma of pajamas-wearing basement dwellers fades, and all we're left with is the content. And, frankly, the best content on blogs slaughters most tepid MSM offerings. It has to to get attention.
But Jones started. Then rumors started spreading on Notre Dame message boards that Jones was transferring. FanHouse's Brian Stouffer was the first person to report on this, and SMQB was the first person to note Jones' registration information popping up in the NIU online phonebook after industrious messageboarders dug it up. It was on ESPN hours later without accreditation. The Internet is becoming a source of information; it's always been one but now all the best information trickles out onto message boards before it hits newspapers. Every major school has Scout/Rivals/indie message boards populated by sources close to players and coaches and these days I know 75% of the actual news before it hits the papers. Knowing the dimly lit alleys of the Internet and knowing who is reliable and who is not is now just as valuable as being an actual journalist, and at some schools even more so.
The start of the season has been the most disappointing two weeks in the history of college football fandom. This is probably not true, but you can't prove otherwise so I'm sticking by it. I call this "The Stewart Mandel Method". We'll know more about whether to care or not after this weekend: beat Penn State and the sucky Big Ten appears ripe for the taking. It would be a comedown after all the expectations heaped upon the program, but 10-3 with wins over Ohio State and in a BCS game would still be a satisfactory season. Lose to PSU and Michigan fans will be hoping for a New Year's Day bowl but mostly focused on one question: Tedford, Schiano, Rodriguez, or Miles?
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Byron Leftwich is a Falcon
Leftwich: Hey, I'm Byron.
Harrington: I know.
Leftwich: Yeah, we're gonna turn things around here.
Harrington: Who the fuck is "we?"
Leftwich: Ya know, like the team.
Harrington: I know why they brought you in.
Blogger Reach-Arounds
We're sure we're in the minority, but fantasy football is starting to piss us off. We end up watching the games, screaming at our guys to score, and when they don't, we make a smug comment like, "Steven Jackson can throw himself into on-coming traffic." We're usually pissed off on Sundays, more pissed off on Mondays...wouldn't things be more sunshiny if we just gave up fantasy football? Who's with us?!?! (Then again, we should probably just put better squads together).
We're juiced for tomorrow's Blogger Interview, but then again, when aren't we? And Friday, oh shit, Friday's gonna be huge. Make sure to stop by.
So what that Heather Locklear's like 100 years old? We'd run through her like a turnstile. A very sexy, blonde turnstile. With fuck-me eyes. And a killer body. And fucking great hair.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Big Picture Categories: brands of vodka
Vodka is like the spectrum of hard alcohol. On one end you have the shit that tastes like rubbing alcohol. And on the other it's the stuff that makes for a perfect Martini. And just about everyone makes vodka. Fuck, if ESPN brands some vodka in the next year, we wouldn't be the least surprised.
So today's category is coming up with all of those brands of vodkas. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. If you don't abide by the "every five comments" rule, we'll shove your hand down the fucking garbage disposal. First person to blow it has to play beer pong with cheap vodka as a substitute for beer.
We'll kick this shindig off with a college favorite: Three-Star Vodka. (Yes, it's as absolutely terrible as it sounds).
All right, folks. Get crunk in the comments.
Jerk it, motherfucker! Jerk it like you've never jerked it before!
But there's nothing funny about this video.We're not posting it to get a cheap laugh. We don't want you to even smile. No jokes. There's nothing funny about masturbation. Nothing funny at all.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Quinn: 'I can wait'
Hey, it's cool. Derek and I are friends. I'm happy for him. Five touchdowns is good. It's fucking great. I like to be on the sidelines to high-five him and shit too. I'll fucking jerk him off if he wants. It's all about Team. Yeah, that's Team with a capital T, bitch. And we won. We're winners. I'm a winner.
I can wait another few weeks to get my first start. Cincinnati's defense is a fucking joke. Notre Dame coulda scored on that secondary. It's only a matter of time before Derek starts getting picked three times a day.
Derek's a good guy and all. Loves pussy. Fucking loves it. But he's not a very good quarterback. When we go to those family fun centers with arcades and shit and we play that football one with the two holes to throw the ball through, he always goes for the bigger one. He's a bitch like that. Fucking great guy though.
I'm used to waiting. Patience is my fucking middle name. Brady Patience Quinn. I waited 'til number 22 on Draft Day. I've waited 23-plus years to come out. I once waited two and a half hours in the car while Samardzija banged his girlfriend in the movie theater. I didn't really want to go in. They went to see one of those Borne movies. Action flicks are for bitches. I'll take Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant over Stallone any day.
My time will come. I know it. I'll save the Cleveland Browns faster than Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Dr. Quinn gives me a bad name. Dr. Quinn can fucking suck it. Her husband might be better though.
Romeo and I are dawgs though. Yeah, I call my coach dawg. With a fucking AWG. Dogs are fucking animals. Dawgs are fucking homies. And Romeo's my bitch. He'll have me starting by Week 5 at New England. The Pats will be tough. It's all right. After Baltimore butt fucks Derek in Week 4, I can go 10-31 for 78 yards, no TDs and five picks and be called the fucking savior.
And saviors can wait. I'm Brady Patience Quinn. Only bitches can't wait. And I'm not a bitch, Bitch.
Friday, September 14, 2007
The Aristocrats
Since our big plans for today fell through, we had to come up with a makeshift post. So we're gonna have an aristocrats contest. In the comments, give us your best version of the joke. Winner gets a shoutout or link or handjob sometime next week. Bonus points if you make it sports related.
Here's what we could come up with:
Bill Belichick walks into a talent agency. He says, "Boy, do I have the act for you." The agent says, "OK. I'll take a look."
Bill is sitting in the corner and starts jerking off. Enters his ex-wife Debby and two sons, Stephen and Bryan. Bryan starts fucking his mom in the ass and Stephen starts sucking up Bill.For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?" And Belichick says, "The Aristocrats!"
In comes daughter Amanda who starts tossing Stephen's salad. Bill's done with his hummer, and comes around Amanda and starts fucking her in the ass. Amanda, an ass virgin, loses control of her bowels and starts shitting everywhere.
In comes Grandpa who starts banging Debby, who, conveniently, is on her period. There's still shit everywhere and Bill gets pissed at daughter Amanda and cuts off her arm with a samurai sword.
Bill then makes Stephen start fucking the hole where Amanda's arm used to be. Everyone's masturbating.
Bryan can't go anymore and starts cumming everywhere. In comes Spot and he starts fucking Grandma. Grandpa gets pissed and starts fucking the dog in the ass while the pup's giving it to Grandma.
There's blood! There's shit! There's cum!
At this point, Amanda's losing blood, everybody's cumming and in comes Barbaro. Barbaro starts fucking Bill with his monster horse cock. Bill loses control of his bowels and he starts shitting everywhere. Debby pees on Barbaro and Barbaro releases a volcano of horse jiz all over the place.
Tom Brady, jealous of all of this, comes in and shoots everybody dead, except for Belichick. There's more blood then both can handle and they start fucking the dead corpses. Even Barbaro gets plowed, and he's now twice over dead.
Brady finishes his fucking and blows his load all over the shit- and blood-covered area. Belichick nuts again, all over Tom. They both hug, kiss and take a bow.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Blogger Interviews: Big Daddy Drew
We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.
Joining us today is Big Daddy Drew, one of the jiz-mopping geniuses behind Kissing Suzy Kolber. Drew recently signed up to do a weekly NFL column for Deadspin -- which, conveniently, runs today -- titled Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo. With the NFL season just a week old, this seemed like the right time to talk to one of the Web's biggest pro football fans. Let's kick this thing off right. Let him have it in the comments.
1. The rundown:
Name: Drew (Sorry, the last name costs you extra)
Age: 30
Location: DC area
Occupation: Advertising
Favorite team: Vikings
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written (3-5).
Tuesday Morning Pretentious Douchebaggery
If Super Bowl XLI Were An Episode Of House
KSK Clip Show: The Best of Big Daddy Drew
Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: It depends on my workday, and my work and my Internet perusing are tied together. Either way, I’m at the computer roughly 8 hours a day, doing whatever.
2. You juggle work, blogging and taking care of your family. That's a shit ton of responsibility. How do you balance it all? And take us through a typical day of blogging.
There’s more time in a day than most people realize. 24 hours is plenty of time to get shit done. KSK posts don’t take much time to write, and my job involves lots of waiting for approvals, so those can get done during the day. There’s no set routine to it. If I have an open window to do something during the day, and I have a good idea behind it, then I do it and post it. When I’m home, I’m usually away from the computer unless my kid is asleep.
3. One of the many things that impresses us about KSK is that it's a narrow focus, blogging solely about the NFL. Isn't it hard -- especially during the dreadfully long off-season -- to come up with enough material to keep readers entertained? Any secrets you have to finding content on painfully slow news days?
Sometimes it’s a bitch, but then stuff like Michael Vick happens and it makes everything easier. Since our focus is really on humor and NOT the NFL, it means we don’t have to necessarily depend on shit happening for us to write. I wrote about pooping on my towel once. It had nothing to do with football, but I found it funny, so up it went. And, frankly, when something DOES happen, the rest of the blogosphere is already on it in a nanosecond. Much better to just think up shit out of left field. That said, the off-season does fucking suck. That’s why we had to come up with shit like commenter drafts and kill kill kill. They were clearly fillers, but they were fun to do and I still think people enjoyed them.
4. Columns seem like the new trend with blogs, as MJD's The Debriefing, Ufford's The Prelude at FanHouse and your Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo at Deadspin are getting notice. What's up with this new movement towards longer, more thought-out (sometimes) posts? Is this where blogs are going? What's the future of blogging hold?
I said yes to the Deadspin column because A.) I was offered money, which I never turn down, and 2.) I’d be an idiot not to write for that bigger audience. I think it’s a natural progression. It sort of gives you a tentpole to build an audience around. But otherwise, I think the future of blogging is simply that it will grow, and grow very fucking fast.
5. Dream job? Go.
Head writer and bit player for Conan O’Brien or Stephen Colbert. Though I must say I’m quite happy with my life as is right now.
6. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?
I usually stick to the big blogs like Deadspin, With Leather and The Big Lead. If one of them links to something interesting, I go. Otherwise, the only other sports blog I frequent is Nation of Islam Sports. Someone recommended Cajun Boy in the City, and that’s pretty cool.
7. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?
Rewarding: instant reader response. Frustrating: formatting. I fucking hate formatting.
8. Your first-person narratives and 10 yards of awkwardness are unbeatable. Fuck. The Sex Cannon shit. Precious. How do you come up with this crap? Are you ever stuck when you go to write these, or do the ideas just come to you?
I don’t know if anyone likes 10 yards of awkwardness anymore. I think I may have milked that teat dry. Same with the Grossman shit. I really beat that into the ground. If I’m ever stuck writing something, I usually just stop and dump it. But usually a post is fully formed in my head before I write it down. Usually, the idea just pops up in my brain and grows from there. I try not to think too hard about it, as you can plainly tell.
9. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?
Get paid lots of money. My life goal is to own a jet ski.
10. KSK, from the get-go, seemed to get tons of traffic and comments. A piece of advice to some smaller sites how to get a prolific, interactive readership?
I honestly have no idea. Sucking up to Leitch helps. But eventually, your site has to stand on its own. We’ve had the good fortune of being able to write shit people have enjoyed reading. I just try and write stuff I’d like to read. Lots of swearing helps.
11. You're on a deserted island. You have three people with you. Who are they? Your family doesn't count.
I swear this question was on five of the six college applications I filled out. The real answer is I’d probably take my two best friends, plus someone who knows how to build a boat out of driftwood. Apparently, that person is NOT Bear Grylls.
(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals; Orson Swindle).
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Don't wear Texas gear in Sooner country
-All light beer tastes like shit.
-The sky is blue.
-Carmen Electra is dying to bang us.
-Two girls are better than one.
-Wearing a Texas Longhorns t-shirt in to an Oklahoma bar is going to lead to possible castration.
Looks like Brian Christopher Thomas didn't find that last one as obvious as we did.
According to police, 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt and quickly became the focus of football "trash talk" from another regular, 53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett.
Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.
"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."
Hang on. Let us put some emphasis on that last part. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts."
Whoops. Here: "He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body."
What. The. Fuck? There's fucked up shit and then there's nearly tearing off another man's balls.
Blogger Reach-Arounds
We're real juiced for our weekend. We have tickets to the UW-Ohio State game, which, knock on wood, could actually be a good game. And we'll likely be pants partying before hand. If you're in Seattle, come on out. We look even sexier in person.
Sorry to keep bringing up our fantasy squad, but Matt Leinart made us real nervous Monday. Who knew STDs affected your accuracy?
We have another fun Blogger Interview coming tomorrow, and Friday, well, Friday depends on us getting a particular email. But be sure to stop by Friday -- things could be big. If not Friday, soon after...
1.) All on the Field has some analysis on Washington's early-season success. But beware of that schedule, dammit.
5.) The top 10 replacements for Jenn Sterger...an intriguing list brought to you by Armchair GM.
6.) Introducing Liston tells us how you -- yeah you, fuckhead -- can be an NBA players.
8.) Scott Van Pelt Style interviews its namesake.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Big Picture Categories: NFL players from Florida universities
It seems just about every player in the NFL (or at least every player on the Baltimore Ravens) played college football in the fucking state of Florida. The U, FSU, UF...fuck, even Central Florida's turned out some folks.
So today's category is naming those NFL players who spent time at any Florida university. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. There are fucking thousands of these! Let's try to break commenting records! First person to fuck up has to take a body shot off of an alligator. Or a crocodile. What the fuck is the difference, anyway?
We'll keep it local: Ken Dorsey - The U. (We're actually not sure if Dorsey's still in the league (Cleveland?), but we went to high school with him, caught a pass from him, and stole his girlfriend*).
All right, folks. Brag about your alma-mater-knowledge in the comments.
*Statement might be made up. Might.
Monday, September 10, 2007
CFB coverage > NFL coverage
9:01 PST: Wake up. With wood.
9:05: Get out of bed.
9:07: Get in shower.
9:31: Start watching Nebraska vs. Wake Forest.
9:32: Realize Bill Callahan is probably a bigot.
9:32 and 27 seconds: Switch channel to Miami vs. Oklahoma.
9:33: Decide that The U is more successful when undisciplined.
9:35: Morning wood starting to go away.
9:36: Switch to Marshall vs. West Fuckin Virgina. Enjoy a close game. (For a while, anyway).
10:05: Eat some french toast. With fucking cinnamon and nutmeg in the batter. French toast batter without cinnamon and nutmeg is like getting head with a fucking rubber on.
11:01: Leave for UW pre-game (or pre-funk, pre-party, pre-fiesta, pre-dag-nasty).
11:04: Ask if someone had taken a piss in our Bud Light can. (They said no, "But we have Coors instead." We held back a smug comment).
11:06: Continue watching multiple football games.
12:03: Get to Husky Stadium. Watch Huskies beat Boise State.
4:06: Leave Husky Stadium, go to work.
5:01: Arrive one minute late to work.
5:01 and 10 seconds: Turn on Penn State vs. Notre Dame.
5:03: Realize that Notre Dame is bad, Jimmy Clausen will soon be the butt of herpes jokes, and Charlie Weis would be fucking raw at sumo wrestling.
5:05: Change to Georgia vs. South Carolina. Watch for a while. Enjoy good, SEC football.
5:25: Check in on Texas vs. TCU. Blow out. Too much "Don't mess with Texas" bullshit.
5:26: Do some work...complain about it.
6:01: Tune in to beginning of LSU vs. VA Tech. Avoid making tasteless joke.
6:15: Start watching Auburn vs. South Florida.
7:31: Oh, Arizona State vs. Colorado is on FSN?! Fuck yeah.
7:33: What the fuck is Versus? Didn't that used to be OLN? Whatever. This Versus shit is showing Wisconsin vs. UNLV. Booyah!
7:41: In unison with coworker, blogger and college football homie, say, "College football is fucking awesome!"
11:14: Leave work late. (Don't ask). Arizona State game is still on. Blowout, but who fucking cares at this point? College football was on for over 12 hours!
11:21: Get home from work. Take care of late-night wood.
Sunday:
10:01 PST: Wake up.
10:03: Start watching Green Bay vs. Philly.
10:04: Realize that watching an NFC game is like watching paint dry or water boil or something else that's incredibly fucking boring.
10:05: Change channel to Denver vs. Buffalo. Root on Marshawn Lynch like a motherfucker. (He's our fantasy stud).
10:20: Look for third TV game. No luck.
10:22: Turn on our Slingbox -- fucking awesome invention! -- which tunes in to our Bay Area TV.
10:23: Notice the Bay Area is seeing the same two games.
10:24: Say fuck.
11:06: Start jumping up and down like a little kid on Christmas when Lynch scores.
12:55: With roommate, try to decide if Shannon Sharpe sounds like he has a ball gag in his mouth or just has an abnormally large tongue. Decide on ball gag.
1:10: Afternoon games begin.
1:11: FOX has local coverage. Seahawks vs. Tampa. See 10:04 comment.
1:15: Check CBS. Tennis. Fuck.
1:16: Check Slingbox. Oh good, Raiders vs. Lions.
1:17: Start tying noose.
1:18: Consider sending an email to FOX saying, "There are three afternoon games. Through the wonders of technology, we are watching two of them. We are not seeing Chicago vs. San Diego. Will you please consider throwing yourself in to the middle of the freeway? Thanks! Sincerely, The Big Picture.
1:21: Say fuck again.
4:02: Masturbate thinking about NFL Sunday Ticket.
4:15-midnight: Do some other shit that's none of your motherfucking business.
This would make Donald Duck hard
(An editor of our at The Seattle Times sent us the video, but Larry Brown Sports, With Leather, Deadpsin, and pretty much anyone else with a computer or two functioning eyes gets credit too).
Friday, September 07, 2007
Blogger Interviews: Orson Swindle
We're running a segment here at The Big Picture where we'll interview some of the biggest names in the sports blogosphere. What's the point? Well, these guys spend countless, thankless hours writing, so a little recognition from time to time is well warranted. Think of this as the blogger's version of a reach-around or something.
Up today is the man behind the brilliant Every Day Should Be Saturday and Das Fanhaus, Orson Swindle. EDSBS is perhaps the pinnacle of all things college football, so with the season fresh in our minds, Orson is the perfect guy to be talking to. Think of the comments as the goalpoasts at Appalachian State's Kidd Brewer Stadium: tear those motherfuckers down.
1. The rundown:
Name: Orson Swindle. That's not our real name of course. We were never in Vietnam, or a member of the Federal Trade Commission. Then again, the real Orson Swindle never interviewed Phil Steele.
Age: 31
Location: Atlanta, GA
Occupation: Never. We bow to no one, not even the dastardly Spaniards. Oh, you mean a job? Now that's nothing anyone wants to hear about, is it? Work? You might as well ask about my bowel movements...which if you're wondering, dwarf yours 24/7, of course.
Favorite team: Florida Gators.
Links to your favorite all-time posts you've written. (3-5)
We're fond of this one. And this one. Few other people are, sure -- but we like them.
Time per day spent blogging and perusing the blogosphere: a Shit-ton, a metric unit equal to somewhere between two hours and twenty of the day.
2. With EDSBS, EDSBS Live and the newly launched Das FanHaus, you must be a busy man. Take us through a typical day of blogging.
I wake up around six and spend around an hour dredging up everything I think might be relevant, usually missing somewhere around 40 percent of the things I should be writing about while inevitably picking on some poor copy editor's headline gaffe, digging up fart jokes, or making cheap double-entendres involving football and sodomy.
If something gets written that's halfway decent, it's likely that it was written between 6 a.m. and 9 a.m. Then I go to work, squeeze in other stuff during the day, and tharr you go, sailor. The garbage scow makes its way around the cape once again.
3. One of the things that impresses us most about EDSBS is that it's a narrow focus, blogging solely about college football. Isn't it hard -- especially during the dreadfully long off-season -- to come up with enough material to keep readers entertained? Any secrets you have to finding content on painfully slow news days?
Not particularly. With 117 teams, it presents a very daunting task to pay attention to everything. In fact, you could spend most of the offseason simply recapping every team's year, previewing the coming year, and paying attention to spring practice.
As far as a narrow focus, constraints can force you to be very, very creative. The hard thing is creating a sports blog without a particular focus, which is nigh impossible. It's counterintuitive, but most successful sports blogs focus on a single sport. (Deadspin: large, large exception.)
That would be boring, but it could be done. We prefer to just take tangents until they snap, especially on the smallest details of a piece. That will go a long way in the offseason. Having an extremely messy and immature brain seems to help, too, in the content creation department.
On slow news days, just troll message boards. There's enough insanity out there to keep everyone occupied for years.
4. You just roll out of bed one morning in February, 2005 and realized that starting a CFB blog was the quickest way to get some panties to drop? Or was the creation of EDSBS a more thought-out process?
It was the creation of being extremely depressed, underemployed, and starved for football. Absolutely no thought went into its creation, and little thought has gone into its growth. It's somewhere between a tumor and baby: it's growing, eating up resources, and not paying it portion of the rent while macking all the peanut butter from the fridge. And yet...you hand it the keys and give it gas money, either out of love or fear it will leave you.
5. EDSBS gets a great readership now. The content speaks for itself, but it needs to get out there somehow -- especially at first. How'd the initial promotion of the site go? Message boards? Email strings? And a piece of advice, if you will, for some smaller sites how to build a steady, interactive readership?
We got an RSS reader and subscribed to other people's blogs -- participating in that seemed to push things. (Can't remember if we did the "Hey, got this other awesome thing over at my blog" shit in comments, either. If we did, we apologize, because that shit is annoying with a capital "asshole.")
Other than that, we just posted every day and kept posting without really thinking too much about what we were doing, which should be obvious to anyone who's caught our thousand misnomers for players, factual errors, or bad formatting. The best answer is to socialize with other bloggers and fans without "networking" consciously. Networkers come off as lizards in peoplesuits. People can see the zippers.
6. Dream job? Go.
EDSBS, we suppose. Other possibilities would include demolitions engineer, 40s pinup photographer, and to be the keeper of Urban Meyer's magical motivational taser.
7. There are all sorts of wonderful blogs out there. A few you'd recommend?
The best college football blogger is Matt Hinton, a.k.a. Sunday Morning Quarterback. Brian from MGoBlog's Upon Further Review makes detail-oriented seem like a vague phrase -- we shudder to think of the cold, well-swept cubicles in his vast, powerful mind. The Wizard of Odds is the speed demon among college football bloggers -- the bastard posts at like 2 a.m. and beats everyone else off the wires with his encyclopedic news blog. His is an indispensable blog. Fanblogs and College Football Resource are other big, link-heavy news buffets. Blue Gray Sky has a staff of surgeons working on the ever-recovering patient that is Notre Dame football.
Other ones are less data-driven, but just contain awe-inspiring creativity and writing. BearMeat is the greatest blog devoted to an abysmal team. Rocky Top Talk is, despite being about the team we hate with the fire of six-hundred hell-hot hellholes the Tennessee Volunteers, boundlessly creative and erudite. Peter stomps Texas football flat at Burnt Orange Nation. Michael at Braves and Birds is relentlessly skeptical about not just football, but also about baseball and other sports that don't matter like basketball and any sport not named "football." Fire Mark May and House Rock Built though not daily still make the EDSBS bunker ring with laughter and its natural cohort, random gunfire.
8. Most rewarding parts of blogging? Most frustrating?
The interaction with readers. The fact that you can't sit at your desk and do it all day long.
9. You guys have had some fun with certain people and topics. Ed Orgeron, Houston Nutt, Dennis Erickson, and the Illinois football program all come to mind. Any specific story or person that you just can't resist blogging about? And are there any reoccurring stories that you'd deem your favorite?
This begins and ends with Ed Orgeron. The reason you can mock him is the fact that beneath the baby-eating, pit-fighting, Cajun monsterman myth is a shred of truth. He's one of the few guys who trumps any story you can concoct about him with something that actually happened. The day he leaves the SEC we will weep gusty tears of sadness. And then, he will hunt us down and turn us into boudin.
10. What's the ultimate goal of your site/your writing?
The same as masturbation, of course: to keep doing it every day without chafing.
11. This might be a loaded question, but, in your opinion, what's the future of sports blogs? Enlighten us.
I have no idea.
12. College football is here! Our Huskies aren't gonna go winless! We don't like predictions, so we won't ask for them. Rather, the BCS treated your Gators well last season, but often creates more heartache than happiness. What are your thoughts on the system? While it's controversial, it always gets people talking, and that's good, right? If you were calling the shots, what would the CFB postseason look like?
The system's terrible, but it's better than it was, which takes it up to "merely shitty." We'd probably just keep it like it is now: a tense medium between the popularity contests of the 70s and the soulless vacuum of a playoff. The soulless vacuum is coming, of course -- but in the meantime, there's controversy, something that does produce a lot of excitement. Then again, so do earthquakes, outbreaks of the Marburg virus, and car bombings.
(Past interviews; also found on right sidebar: Dawizofodds; Matt Ufford; The Mighty MJD; Jamie Mottram; The Big Lead; The Cavalier; Will Leitch; Dan Shanoff; Dan Steinberg; Brooks; Unsilent Majority; J.E. Skeets; Henry Abbott; The Dugout; NFL Adam; Bethlehem Shoals).
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Rick Ankiel, your 2007 NL MVP
No, we did not put cocaine on our French toast instead of powdered sugar.
No, we're not drunk.
Yes, we're pretty hung over.
No, the brunette chickened out and left, but the blonde, all alone, was still freak-a-licious.
Yes, we're sorta nuts. Just sorta though.
No, we're still not high.
Now that that's out of the way, let us present to you the logical reason why Rick Ankiel would be our choice for NL MVP if certain things broke right.
What would need to "break right?" Well, the Cards would need to win the Central. If they don't, our argument is history. Like that brunette.
OK, say the Cards somehow win the Central. At 68-68, St. Louis is only two back with a few weeks left in the season, so it's entirely possible they jump both the Cubs and Brewers.
Now enter Ankiel. Through Wednesday, he's hitting .338 with 7 home runs and 22 RBIs. Most importantly, the Cards are 16-9 since he's been up and have gained ground on both Chicago and Milwaukee.
Secondly importantly (ya know, like what comes after "most importantly") is that the NL MVP race is a joke.
Arizona doesn't have a good enough hitter. Eric Byrnes? Fuck no. San Diego? Same problem. The Mets have both Reyes and Wright, but they might steal votes from each other, and frankly, neither have overwhelming enough numbers. (We suppose Ankiel doesn't either, but fuck you). If Milwaukee wins the Central, Prince Fielder could be your boy, but remember, we're figuring that St. Louis wins the Central. So fuck you again.
Yeah, Rick Ankiel for President. Errr...MVP. MVP. Rick Ankiel is going to win the MVP.
The Mariners are a sinking ship
Is it tasteless to make fun of the Titanic? No, not the movie. We might be the only people on Earth that haven't seen it. But we're sure it's fucking terrible. And Kate Winslet's tits probably don't look that good anyway.
We're referring more to the actual ship that sunk. And like helluv people died. That sucks. But regardless, the Seattle Mariners are a sinking ship.
They've lost 11 of 12 -- the latest a 10-2 loss to the Yankees after surrendering eight runs in the seventh inning -- and the mid-season question of "how the hell are the M's this good?" is becoming realizations of, "yep, that's more like it."
The folks at Lookout Landing have pretty much thrown in the towel and Geoff Baker, on his Seattle Times blog, says, "A team just can't collapse the way Seattle did two nights in a row and expect to make the playoffs."
Oh, and the bullpen. That's what carried this team for about four months and is now shooting it in the foot.
Yeah. The playoffs probably aren't gonna happen for the M's this season. Whatever. We just can't get over the fact that Jeff Weaver is still in the starting rotation.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Big Picture Categories: beers
We're so stoked about the start of both college and pro football that the only thing we can think about -- aside from the games, we suppose -- is how to get loaded while watching them.
Today's category is brands of beers. Brands, motherfucker. Bud Light and Budweiser are the same fucking brand. That would get your ass kicked in this game. We'll start and you guys continue in the comments. You can go again after every five comments. If it's an uncommon beer or microbrew, provide a link if possible. First person who can't name a beer has to do a Power Hour in 20 minutes, which, now that we think of it, may defeat the purpose of a Power Hour.
We'll start with a favorite of ours: Newcastle.
Slang your beer-drinking knowledge in the comments.
Blogger Reach-Arounds
NFL action begins tomorrow! We've had our fantasy draft(s) and we think we've come out pretty well. Wait, wait, wait on QB. We got the guys we wanted late.
We made the move back to Seattle from a summer in the Bay Area Monday. Our sparratic posting the last two months should disappear. We're back to our regular schedule and things should be normal around here yet again.
We're bringing back Blogger Interviews tomorrow after about a three-month break and we're really excited about our guest.
If you think Pam Anderson's not what she used to be, well, you might want to question your sexual preferences. Check out these photos that What Would Tyler Durden Do dug up. Springs you up in a heartbeat.
1.) The Serious Tip has an interview with a Playboy model, who may or may not be an angel. And she says, if she weren't in a relationship, she'd give bloggers a shot!
2.) Awful Announcing is giving away an iPhone! You just need to win an NFL pick 'em contest, which is probably harder than scrounging up $600.
3.) East Coast Bias provides a list of why your favorite NFL team is going to suck.
4.) The Nosebleeds NFL Blog gets you ready for Steelers-Browns week, still perhaps the best rivalry in football.
5.) Whoopi Goldberg said some fucked up shit about Mike Vick on her debut of The View. Our Book of Scrap with the details...
6.) Stiles Points gets some answers about LSU football, via an interview with a writer for TheBaton Rouge Advocate .
7.) The Sports Hernia has key footage of the George Mitchell steroid investigation.