We're 65, Bitch

We've never bought that saying, "We're 65!" for a motherfucking second.

The NIT winner could probably beat over half of the NCAA Tournament field and Wisconsin on a yearly basis. So when West Fuckin Virgina puts the hammer down and prevents a team from the Confederate Flag-flying state of South Carolina from winning its third-straight NIT championship (South Carolina had won two straight titles), we don't want to here, "We're 65!"

Instead, the NIT reveals something much greater. The winner is one of very few teams to win its last game of the season. You have the NCAA champ, the NIT champ, and maybe a few teams so bad they didn't make their conference tourney, but somehow won their last regular-season game.

So this brings up an interesting question: What would you rather have your favorite team (let's say the Washington Huskies, because really, who's favorite team isn't the Huskies?) do: win the NIT or go out in, say, the second round of the Dance?

We'd probably go with NIT champ, in all honesty. Winning a game in the Tourney is great, but winning the last game of the season is a unique feeling that not too many teams can experience. And getting to hang a championship banner ain't half bad either.

So West Fuckin Virginia, we're envious. Cherish being the NIT champs. Because you're a whole lot better than No. 65, no matter what those douchebags at UVA tell you.

And for five credits you can bang a disease-free prostitute

News coming out of South Florida in the last 24 hours is not about the Florida basketball team. (Though we're not sure Gainesville is in South Florida anyway, and frankly we don't give a fuck; Florida is one, big, happy, hot-ass babe, sunshine-y state as far as we're concerned).

Lynn University, in Boca Raton, is giving students in its Sports Management program three credits to go to the Final Four, a Georgia Tech baseball game and a Thrashers hockey game.

They also have to do actual work that consists of whatever it is that they do for work at Lynn U, which we can't imagine is much.

We'd also like to think that a few of the kids will get laid from that slutty girl who sits in the back row in the five-star hotel they're probably staying in, and that the Emilio Estevez character will take a few lines of pure, uncut cocaine.

Still. Pretty cool. We once dropped a deuce in a pretty dirty bathroom at U-Dub. The brevity aside, we thought it was at least worth a credit.

Now they're just out to get Chris Henry

By now you've surely heard that -- gasp! -- Chris Henry is in more legal trouble. But this time, it's not pre-meditated murder, armed robbery or grand larceny. Rather, it's minor traffic violations.

Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chris Henry, already facing possible NFL punishment for problems with the law, has been cited by Cincinnati police on three traffic charges including driving with a suspended license. Henry, 23, also was ticketed for an alleged improper turn and seat belt violation.

Oh geez. An alleged improper turn. Call in fucking S.W.A.T.

Driving on a suspended license probably was enough to make Henry's PR people drink a bit harder than usual, and MJD, always good for a laugh, has a nice take over at The 'House.

Still. Not wearing a seat belt?! A bit extreme, no? Guess that's what happens when you have the reputation of a felon.

These days Michael Jackson could give a 10-year-old boy a high five and the parents would still call for the motherfucking guillotine. Same deal with Henry. Once you've messed up, people will remember.

Now that's what you call an ass-kicking

Local news for you today. Last week in a high school softball game between Woodinville (Wash.) High School and Franklin High of Seattle, Woodinville won 64-0. Softball. 64-0. Whoa!

The Wednesday KingCo 4A Conference game ended after five innings under the state's "mercy rule" that stops games if one team is ahead at that point by 10 runs. Woodinville got its runs in four innings and didn't bat in the fifth because it was the home team.

The score wasn't reported by either team and neither coach could be reached Saturday. However, word of the romp was spreading fast because an account of the game was on the Woodinville fastpitch Web site, which is connected with the school site.

The story was headlined "Falcons cause a 'hitquake' and said Woodinville amassed 60 hits in the drubbing. It included other facts such as the leadoff hitter going 8 for 10, scoring eight runs and knocking in eight runs.

The leadoff hitter was just 8-10? She got out twice?! Loser.

Anyway, kind of a bad situation for both teams. Losing 64-0 is no way to go out. And winning by that margin isn't too warm and fuzzy either. The coach is taking serious heat for it.

But what's a coach to do? Tell his players to intentionally get out? Maybe. At a point like that, the losing coach probably should have just taken a bat and beat the hell out of the other team. Though if the Franklin coach is anything like his girls, he probably couldn't hit them too hard.

Fuck a bracket: Ohio State can suck it

This time of year -- time of year being a.) Spring, b.) March, c.) March fucking Madness, d.) when all the sorority girls come out of the fucking woods wearing outfits that beg you to ask, "How much" -- people tend to have skewed rooting interests.

For example, we have money, pride and a night with our girl wrapped up in theOhio State. So naturally we were rooting for them. But should we have?

C'mon. The Buckeyes fucking stole those two games. Xavier had 'em. Tennessee really had 'em.

Said Vols coach Bruce Pearl after the game, "THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!!"

Fuck are the Bears, Bruce?

It's not that we dislike OSU -- Oden is a gigantic G and Ron Lewis' G status is rapidly ascending -- but the Buckeyes probably didn't deserve to win either of those games. Seems the other teams more lost them than Ohio State won them. Either way, doesn't really matter.

But today when rooting for your team(s), just think for a second who your team really is. The one you have money on or the one you'd ordinarily want to win? With that, go Butler!

Oh, and Bruce Pearl probably ate his team in the locker room after the game. Brutal loss. Just brutal.

So that's what happens when cops seize tickets

Get right the fuck outta town.

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

About 10 city police officers are being investigated by internal affairs for allegedly using World Series tickets that had been seized from scalpers, Chief Joe Mokwa confirmed Sunday.

Really. Used them?! Monsters.

We weren't at the scene of the crime, but we had a feeling this is how things played out once the dirty cops confiscated the tickets:

Officer A: Hey guys, what should we do with these tickets?
Officer B: Turn them in as evidence, of course.
Officer C: Pussy.
Officer B: You have a better idea, C?
Officer C: Yeah, we sell them.
Officer A: And do what with the money?
Officer B: Buy our wives something nice?
Officer C: B, throw yourself off a fucking bridge.
Officer A: We could buy some nice stuff -- these tickets are worth a lot.
Officer C: My vote is for hookers. Or blow.
Officer A: I second that.
Officer B: I know how you guys like your drugs and women, but what if we give the tickets to our friends and family and all go the game?
Officer C: All those things I said, B...yeah, forget it. Great idea!

Don't know if the officers will do time in a minimum-security resort for this, but regardless the punishment, it'll be a small price to pay for seeing a World Series game. And for your home team winning it.

COLLEGE BASKETBALL!!!! CBS SPORTS!!! THIS IS MARCH MADNESS!!!!!!!

You were watching the Madness Saturday, right? For 10 hours? Forming a definte ass groove? Good. So were we.

And how could those eight games -- perhaps the best all-around day of NCAA Tourney action in a while -- gotten even better? Only if Gus Johnson called all eight of them! (He called the Ohio State/Xavier thriller with video below, and the solid game between A&M and The 'Ville).

We've always found that a good broadcaster can make a dull game exciting and a bad play-by-play guy can ruin the greatest of games.

Johnson made good games that much better Saturday.

One of the open threads over at Deadspin Saturday became the Gus Johnson thread. Some of the better comments:

-From Phony Gwnn: "WOW. Gus Johnson is going to spontaneously combust."
-From Carmen McFanzone: "Gus is now at Defcon 5."

You get the point. Johnson gets waaay excited and puts an exclamation point after pretty much everything he says. IT'S SATURDAY!!! I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM!!!!!!! I'LL HAVE THE TUNA MELT!!!11!!!1!!

Brilliant.

Simultaneously, NFL pregame host James Brown has gotten out of the studio and has been calling college basketball games for the first time in about 10 years. And as The Big Lead points out, yeah, perhaps Brown would be better off in the studio.

"And plus there’s no Gus Johnson, so that stinks. On the plus side, we won’t have to suffer through the awfulness that is James Brown. He’s great in the studio when NFL is your sport; he may be the worst play-by-play guy in college hoops."

Indeed.

Turns out though, that CBS brass has about zero idea what people actually want, and Johnson's duties will be "curtailed," as Brown will take over Johnson's duties calling the Regional Semis and Finals.

Remember how we said above that a bad announcer can dull even the best of games? Yeah, Brown might just do that when it really matters. At least Gus went out on a high note.

Oh, and CUBDUMB has a great post with some of Johnson's greatest hits. A must read/watch.

THIS IS MARCH MADNESS!!!!!!!

[Update: The Hog Blogger has nice best of Gus, and my boy Mr. Irrelevant has a nice take on this too.]

Our Book of Scrap

We're filling in over at Our Book of Scrap today who is busy either:

a. Saving the world
b. Having unprotected sex with disease-free hookers
c. Having protected sex with disease-free hookers
d. Making out (but not having sex) with disease-carrying hookers
e. Something that doesn't involve hookers or STDs.

An interview with Jenn Sterger. Really.

Since we first set eyes on Jenn Sterger, we've been quick to ridicule. Once she got an SI.com column, then all hell broke loose. We've ripped Jenn plenty here over the last 15 months or so and even at other sites. Sure we've laughed hard, but really, what's the point?

Rather than continue to tear into Jenn, we thought we'd, ya know, actually talk to her. Via Roger, the guy who works administration for Jennsterger.com (Roger's a true homie and a fan of the site, by the way), we were able to interact with Jenn and get an actual interview with her. No mocking. No satire. Just straight truth. (And a plea -- sorta -- to meet fellow Cowgirl Chrystal).

Fasten your seatbelts.

For the record:

Name: Jennifer Lynnette Sterger
Age: 23
Occupation: Student at Florida State University; SI columnist; Model
Location: Lutz, Florida

Jenn, you've turned 15 minutes of fame -- thanks Brent Musburger! --into an SI column, a Maxim spread (sorta safe for work), an appearance in Playboy (safe for work), etc. What's this ride been like for you?

If this journey has taught me anything, it’s that life can be completely unpredictable. Events, people, and opportunity can take you by surprise, but ultimately, it’s what you choose to make of them that define who you are. I had a small window of opportunity, and faced a lot of criticism but in the end have parlayed what could have just been a fifteen second screen shot into a career of sorts. It’s about striking while the iron’s hot, and making the decisions you think will benefit you the most in the future. Life can be full of regrets and missed opportunities, but I think I have handled them as well as any other girl that falls down a rabbit hole into an unexpected, crazy adventure. It hasn’t changed who I am, but it has changed my outlook on life. Maybe made me a little stronger, a little wiser. It has definitely more than proved who my true friends are… and without my family and their support.. I dunno what I would do.

I feel my experience has really given my life a sense of direction and has filled a lot of voids many kids exiting college experience: The questions of who they are, and where they want to go next. I’ve expected the unexpected, and just rolled with it.

Tell us about the SI gig. How'd it'd come into play (you contact them? They contact you?) Also, what's the process like there? Do they edit you a lot or let you write freely? Do you have a contract with a required amount of columns or is it more the write-when-I-can deal?

Sports Illustrated was interested in doing a human interest story for their On Campus section last February. Arash Markazi contacted me, and after speaking with me, thought that the column would work better if it was written in my own words. The editors were a bit surprised with my writing abilities, as I suspect they were surprised I could write in complete sentences and original thoughts. They came up with the idea of the advice column. At first I was a little hesitant to say yes, after all I barely know how to handle situations in my own life. However, I realized it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I figured I would at least take a crack at it.

My writing is pretty uncensored and the main ideas and thoughts are usually still intact. Sometimes an editor with lack of knowledge in pop culture or relationship experience altogether might get in and take out some of my one liners, but the gist still remains the same. My blog is a little less censored and a little more “Jenn” but for the sake of word count, I would say my articles are pretty accurate in their depiction of my writing.

I write a column every Wednesday, whether it be for Scorecard (the traditional advice column), or On Campus. The videos of course come out every Wednesday, and so far have been pretty successful.

Dream job? Go.

I’m living it. Honestly, I don’t care what I end up doing for a living as long as it is something I am passionate about. The minute going to work becomes just a “job” is when I know I have exhausted that avenue. I think people change and evolve through their experiences in life, so who is to say your career shouldn’t as well?...I just want to be happy and successful in whatever I do. And I have the drive, determination, and support to do just that.

I’ve never really failed at anything I have put my heart into, and I am not about to start now.

You seem to be juggling a lot: school, the SI column and current road trip, modeling and we imagine you try to socialize from time to time. How do you do it all?

It’s all about time management and prioritizing. I used to have a huge issue with this back in high school, and was the queen of procrastination. Now, I have had to really take time out of my day to make a game plan for what I have to get accomplished. My mom taught me the beauty of making a to-do list at the end of the day. Once I list all the things I need to get done the next day, and put them in the most logical order… its gravy from there. I always make sure to make time for my family and friends though, especially if I am in a relationship with someone. It’s all about balancing business with pleasure, and if you really honestly care about someone…you can always make time.

A lot of blogs/websites -- this one included -- have taken cheap shots at you and give you an unfair amount of shit for really no reason. Does this stuff get to you at all?

When you put yourself in the public eye, you have to be able to handle the attention and criticism that comes with it. A lot of the people that attack me have never met me, nor will they…so I feel it’s unfair of people to pass judgment on someone they don’t even know. At first I took a lot of the things I read on the Internet and message boards very personally. It took a lot of adjustment and support from friends and family to show me that the good far outweighed the bad. In the end, I realized that the only opinions that should really matter to me are those of the people I care about.

What's it like going out -- in Tallahassee, on the road, etc. -- and essentially being a celebrity? Are you just swarmed? Ever give some of these guys the time of day? Probably don't have to pay for a drink though!

Don’t get me wrong, I have done my fair share of partying. After all, I did go to college at a Top Ten Party School. However, things started getting a little too crazy for my liking last spring. I couldn’t go to class in my pajamas anymore without getting comments and it just became too crazy to deal with once my Playboy hit the stands. I left Tallahassee and headed for the one place I could clear my head and get out of all the craziness…Lutz, FL (home). I’m finishing up my credits online, and living at home with my cat. Sure, it may sound a little boring, but I really do enjoy being away from the party scene.

I go out occasionally, but I have given up drinking. I did it as a New Year’s Resolution, but I am actually enjoying it. I don’t hate my life in the morning, and I don’t have to bust my butt in the gym quite as hard to work off the empty calories.

As far as dating goes, it’s tough. It’s really difficult sometimes to judge people’s motives for wanting to get to know you. I try to give everyone the benefit of a doubt, but most of the time I just have to go with my gut feeling. My friends joke with me, saying I have “ESP (N)…or something” when it comes to seeing people’s true character, especially guys. I’m sure I’ll find Mr. Right someday, but until then.. don’t expect me to be the girl that settles for Mr. Right Now just because he is available. I’d honestly rather be alone, than be with a second-rate significant other who lies and cheats on me. At least then, I know I am with someone who is honest.

The other Cowgirls haven't gotten the publicity that you have. (We're in love with Chrystal, by the way. Tell her hi for us). Why have you gotten this attention and them not so much? Does it bother them at all?

I think it all comes down to our individual goals we had. Chrystal really wasn’t interested in pursuing modeling after college, as she wanted to attend architecture school. Fabi was interested in acting and modeling, so she moved to South Florida after graduation where she is bartending and going on casting calls.

The new breed of cowgirls that hung with me when the others graduated have had their own accomplishments. CJ and Allison have both been in numerous publications. Allison had been both a coed of the week and month for Playboy. CJ is a dance major at Florida State, but she has also been in music videos and performed with various artists.

And me?...I have a full time gig with Sports Illustrated. I know, it’s a tough job...but someone’s gotta do it. The main reason I’m still out there is because people feel like they know me. College kids can relate to my experiences. Anyone that meets me can get a real sense for who I am, and what I am about because I really believe in being myself and being genuine with the people I meet. I’ve never been the type to pretend I am something I am not. Am I the hottest girl on FSU’s campus?...HA!..Hardly. My campus boasts thousands of gorgeous women, so just to be picked out of a crowd amongst them is an honor in itself. I just think I was smart enough to make the most out of the opportunities I was presented with. Sure, I could have sat back, laughed at the fact I was on tv, and moved on. But once I gave the “girl in the hat” a voice, people really took an interest in my story. Fate and luck took care of the rest. That’s what makes me different from the others.

You're about to graduate and seem to have many avenues you can go down -- writing, modeling, perhaps sportscasting even. What do you see yourself doing this time next year?

Honestly, I take each day as it comes at me. I don’t know what I will be doing five minutes from now, let alone a year from now. I really do enjoy writing for SI, and doing my online video segments for them, but that’s not to say I have to limit myself strictly to that. Modeling is fun from time to time, but it really isn’t my focus anymore. Your looks can only get you so far in life, and they only last for so long. I realize to keep my job and stay ahead of the game, I have to evolve. Sports, however, are my passion. Maybe its because I was never coordinated enough to play any of them (unlike my mother), or because my dad raised me like a son (taking me to Miami Hurricane games since I was old enough to walk and know how to insult a Gator)...I dunno. Regardless, the excitement and adrenaline of sports is just something I truly enjoy, so as long as I am involved with them…I think I’ll be happy regardless of what I do.

Your home for March Madness...

...Is certainly not here.

But we'll tell you where to go.

*Our homeboys at WBRS Sports Blog will be live-blogging the shit out of the Tourney today.

*Same goes for Awful Announcing. Always doing stellar work, AA will be assisted by Run up the Score, Extrapolater and One More Dying Quail tomorrow over at Awful Annoucning. Stop on by.

*Oh. Deadspin too. Our boy Dan Shanoff will be live-blogging there, as well as the omnipresent Mighty MJD.

Between those three sites (if there are others, email us or drop a comment and we'll update the post) you practically won't have to watch the games. But you're skipping work, right? Right?

Blogger locked us out

Here's the secret behind how TBP posts are created:

Usually we create in the evening or late at night. Our schedule allows us to stay up late (on the West Coast, remember) and wake up late too. Because we don't get on the computer until about Noon Pacific, we post right before we go to bed (around 2 a.m.) so there's new material up first thing in the morning as an alternative to suicide for people who work at a desk eight hours a day.

Anyway, we had a post we were really excited about planned for today. It was done and good to go, and as we go to post...BLOGGER ERROR! We were virtually locked out of the site.

Holy cock fuck. We were so up in arms, we searched for the Google/Blogger CEO's contact info to tell him that he fucked our editorial plans and that his wife really knows how to work the tongue.

Since this blog falls just behind family and trim in the metaphorical priority line, we considered getting up around 4 a.m. Pacific (just as the East Coasters are starting to show up at work) to see if we could post what we planned on running today. But we thought better of it, and Jamie, our generously-hung stallion, came through for us and kept material flowing. He has two strippers, a hooker, and Barbaro's sister in the mail.

Thanks for sticking with us. If more technical problems happen, well, they better not. For Blogger's sake...

Oh, and two things:

1. That picture is of a hot chick. Consider it an apology.
2. The Would You Do...Tournament will continue Friday.

Anyone seen Zach?

Where are ya buddy?

My Boys are Getting Hated On

As a Virginia Alum I'm always intrigued when a major sports media outlet features my team, seeing as we're not exactly a major sports powerhouse. So naturally I was interested in this article by Doug Gottlieb over on ESPN.com. Now you can only read the whole thing if you're an Insider (thanks ESPN) so I'll sum it up for you. It says the Wahoos have no business being a 4 seed considering they played a pretty easy schedule (except ya know, the ACC season), and only won one meaningful game on the road (at Maryland). It also compares UVA to Texas, also a 4 seed, and a team that looks to be quite a bit stronger. His beef isn't so much that we got the 4 seed, it's that there shouldn't be such a discrepancy in the quality of the equal seeds in different regions.

Now it's no surprise that UVA didn't win away from the brand spankin' new John Paul Jones arena, because our football and basketball teams have NEVER won anything away from home (road or neutral) since I've been a Virginia fan. Now our soccer and lacrosse teams, that's a different story. The one thing I think he misses is that we came one win away from winning the ACC regular season title, and instead shared it with UNC. This is from a team picked to finish 8th in the conference. That's a big accomplishment and I like that it was rewarded with a good seed.

My point is, I'm happy to see my boys in the tournament for the first time since, what 2001? 2002? I'm too lazy to find out. My sophomore year of college - does that work for you? That being said, I pretty much agree with ol' Doug and I think we bow out early. I have us going down to the creamsicle boys (that would be Tennessee) in the 2nd round, while I have Texas making the Final Four. So the guy is right, we shouldn't be a 4 seed. Or Texas shouldn't. Or both. What do I know? There's a reason Zach writes this blog full time and I only chip in now and then.

GO WAHOOS!!

-Jameson Costello

Without sports...

A while back, the geniuses at one of our favorite college football blogs, The M Zone, had this picture up with a caption contest. We were feeling extra creative that day and made a funny in the comments section.

Anyway, the brilliant minds behind The M Zone -- Yost and Benny -- turned that photo and caption into a short film that may or may not appear at Sundance next year.

Remember that ESPN commercial with an Ohio State/Michigan couple making out on the couch?

Yeah. So do we...

Fuck the NIT. And fuck you. (Sorry, we didn't mean that)

Those of you who have been playing here at our little site for a while know that we're big Washington Huskies fans. It's been a tough year in Huskyville, but hey, it was a young team and a rebuilding year.

The Dawgs went 19-13, 8-10 in the Pac-10 and had some good wins. U-Dub beat UCLA, Oregon and USC. They were feel-good wins in a lost season.

Sure, we knew UW wasn't going dancing this season, but we were anticipating an NIT game in a very strong NIT field. Maybe even at home.

What's that? Washington didn't make the NIT? Really? Oh, well fuck you very much then.

Strange. We've been ripping the Stanford Cardinal pretty good over at The 'House, who, after tossing the Selection Committee's collective salad, are dancing.

A little comparison, if you will.

Stanford:

Record: 18-12, 10-8 Pac-10
RPI: 65
Big Wins: Washington State, UCLA, at Virginia, Texas Tech.
Notable Loss: At home against Air Force. By 34. Thirty fucking four.

Washington:

Record: 19-13, 8-10 Pac-10
RPI: 81
Big Wins: UCLA, Oregon, USC, Stanford.
Notable Loss: Oregon State.

Those resumés aren't all that different. And the NIT committee -- may they rot in hell -- thinks that UW is 32 teams worse than the Cardinal?

We're confused. Then again Arkansas got an at-large bid and Drexel got an NIT three-seed. Is Josh Heytvelt dealing now? Gotta be.

Here's a list of the eight-person selection committee. In case you want to get a hold of them for any particular reason.

Hey, it's a good source of protein

(Source: DeepSouthSports.net via The Wiz).

Blind Resumé

Two disclaimers:

1. The "Would you do..." Tournament will continue tomorrow.
2. It's March. It's fucking March! You know what that means?! March Madness! Do you have it? We do! (FYI, the beginning of this post is overly punctuated with exclamation points. Sorry. But hey, we're excited!)

Anyway, this time of year we get very wrapped up in both the bubble watch and also the small conference tourneys. The NCAA Tournament is hands down the most exciting sporting event of the year, so any opportunity to talk, think or read about it, we jump on. So today, we're going to play a little game, that you might or might not be familiar with.

We'll present two bubble teams' resumés. Your job is simple. In the comments, say which team deserves to get in and which one doesn't. (If you think both are in -- or out -- suggest who you view as the better team). Also, throw out your best idea of who these resumés belong to.

Since this is one of those blind item things -- sorta like they do over at the wonderful site The Big Lead from time to time -- we won't tell you who the teams are. Check back at 5 p.m. Pacific for an update revealing the teams.

OK, folks. Let's play...BLIND RESUMÉ!

Team A:

Record: 19-11 (7-9 conference)
RPI: 46
Strength of schedule: 22
Against RPI Top 50: 4-11
Last 10: 5-5

Team B:

Record: 24-8 (15-3 conference)
RPI: 33
Strength of schedule: 91
Against RPI Top 50: 3-2
Last 10: 9-1

*Computer numbers as of late Sunday.

Who dances?

[Update: Sorry, 5 p.m. turned into 6:04. Our bad. You generously-endowed devils are good! Team A is Florida State. Team B is Old Dominion. Will ODU get the at-large? Will the Seminoles get one if they don't win the ACC Tourney? We'll find out in less than a week!]