Friday, May 02, 2008

Because I'm a total jackass

So last night I got all spiffed up to go out to some swanky bar. Having "what-to-drink-indecision" I thought I would try to win over the bartender with my charm.

I went up to the bar, and in my sexiest voice said, "Disaronno...on the rocks." The bartender looked at me like I was fucking mental. Embarrassed, I looked away. Then I made love to an ice cube in the bathroom.


A while back, I had another fun bar moment that didn't involve going home with a cross-dressing hooker. I was out with some buddies...let's call them Superman, Batman and Spider-Man. Batman brought along a buddy who the rest of us didn't know...let's call him Robin.

So we go out to some trendy bar where every guy is over 6-3 and every girl looks the same in that "I'd fuck her, but probably not tell other people about it" kind of way.

We go up and order drinks. I go with a Disaronno vodka tonic, Superman gets a scotch and water, Spider-Man goes with a Jack and Coke and Batman gets a Hef on tap.

Robin, not sure what to get, asks for some advice. I say, "You want something sweet?" He's like, "Yeah. Sweet sounds good." So I say, "Might as well go with a rum and coke. Hard to fuck that up."

So Robin walks up the bartender (who I might add is a chick you would fuck and definitely tell people about), puffs out his chest, flashes a smile and asks for a Cuba Libre.

I nearly spat out my drink. You fucking scum fuck. A Cuba Libre?!

What's a Cuba Libre? A rum and coke with a lime wedge. He ordered a Cuba Libre instead of ordering a rum and coke and asking for a lime wedge.

Robin hasn't been out with us since.


This seems like an appropriate time to quote a passage from a post written a while back, because I don't think I can re-tell this story any better than I already did.

Once I was at a trendy Irish bar that sucked my cock. I fucking hate this bar, yet often end up there. I ordered a shitty bottle of beer and it was like $4.50. Even though all the bartender did was twist off the cap, I still tipped him, even though it fucking grinded my gears. I respect etiquette, even when it assrapes me.

But I gave him a five, he gave me back 50 cents and I left the two quarters on the counter. He looked at me, gave me fuck-you eyes, and then splashed the coins back in my direction.

That really fucking grinded my gears. Asshole was expecting a buck for twisting off a cap. That's bullshit. Work for your tip. I'm gonna fucking end that guy. He was a total cock-weasel who has an inverted penis.


The comments would be a good place to leave your best bar stories. Go to town.


WufPirate said...

Some asswipe bartender grabbed my Heineken off the bar and threw it away when there were a couple of sips left.

"Hey, I still had some beer in there."
"Dude, there was hardly anything in there"
"Um, hello. You don't take a person's beer."

I then proceeded to have my friend who had an ulcer/chronic vomiting problem puke on said bartender towards the end of the night.

Always comes in handy to have a friend that can blow chunks on command.

JMC said...

cuba libre is the worst!

hey wait a minute, am I batman? who was the jackass? this story sounds so familiar.... how drunk was I?

GMoney said...

A few months ago, the bar that I frequent on campus was busy and they needed another hand so I volunteered to run the door. No problem, right. Well, some shithead starts picking fights with everyone around him so he needed to be escorted out by myself. Who was this deviant, you ask? None other than the asshole that you see every Fall Saturday in the Brutus Buckeye suit. I've never been that happy in my life.

rstiles said...

Brutus the Buckeye is a dickhead!!!...

Gonzo said...

"Do you know who I am? I'm the fuckin BUCKEYE! You can't throw me out you little twerp. I'll have you making change at the gay nudie bar when I'm done with you!"


Ray said...

So when I went to school at Dayton, there was this shithole bar called Tim's that people just ended up at every night. You didn't know how it happened, you'd swear it off, then you'd spin around three times and find yourself right back at fucking Tim's. I'm sure most every campus has a bar like this.

Anyway, we started hating the staff there so much for being inconsiderate cockbags that I decided to start putting negative tips on my credit card receipts.

Bill: $30.00
Tip: ($3.00)
Total: $27.00

Not exactly getting back at the man because they'd still charge you the $30 and treat you like an even bigger pile of shit the next time you came in, but I enjoyed watching the confused faces while trying to figure out what I wrote. I showed them by making their heads hurt for five seconds and coming back the next night to drop another $30!

Kasey Loessberg said...

I'm having a slow day at work, thanks Zach and the commenters for giving me a good laugh. I swear Zach, sometimes I feel like I should visit your site more than my usual once every two months visit. Seeing how google didn't appreciate some post I did about Wal-Mart, and my page rank and google rank have now gone down the toilet, I think I'm going to start visiting other blogs more.

JMC said...

"I'm sure most every campus has a bar like this."

At UW in Seattle, that place is called Earl's.

Bokolis said...

As soon as the bartender decides that you're not a scuzzbag, she'll give you the opportunity to impress her.

Two observations: 1} That marketing campaign notwithstanding, I've never heard anyone call DiSaronno anything but "Amaretto." 2} WTF, it's 56-proof.

I get tons of broads coming up to me to tell me that my Goose and tonic is a fag drink. Hey, it's an icebreaker...and the veiled message is that they want to be proven wrong (about you). I may have looked tougher with a Jack and Coke, but that crap is chic* repellent.

*chic, in this case, meaning 20-something professional, which, I assume, is your target demographic. Next time Stokke comes to town, have the Tequila Rose (or similar) ready.

Disclaimer, so that I'm not party to anything illegal: Take her up north and let her drive.

The beer equivalent of a vodka tonic??? get an orange wheel with every purchase. Even better, if a chic will drink HoeGaarden with you, there is an excellent chance that she'll become a fuckbuddy.

NFL Adam said...

When I tended bar, if a person order a rum and coke with a twist of lime, I would say, "It's called a Cuba Libre, dipshit. I know how to make drinks."

Then I would turn to his friend and say, "Here is your barley, hoops and water in a bottle."

And don't get me started on douche bags who ordered vodka martinis with onions instead of olives. I kicked a guy out of the bar for that, instead of just ordering a vodka gibson.

As for the tip, I always say, "If you can't fold it, hold it." But I hate bars that charge like $2.75 or $3.25 for a beer. They are just hurting the bar tenders. Still, I hate guys bitching about tipping, sorry Zach. You could likely buy a six-pack for $5, so why is the $1 going to hurt you?